Big Time Löve Queue, a parody of Big Time Love Song
"Wot time is it?" Kendall said, facing his three vocal group mates.
"It's tea time!" His friends answered in various European accents before gathering around a free table in the Sherwood Forest Apartment's tea area.
The tea area was a popular hang out spot for teens, especially if they wanted a spot of tea. There were many varieties of teas available – Yorkshire, Typhoo, Tetly, and other brand names that I found on the internet since I know nothing about tea whatsoever.
The greatest part of the tea area however were the queues. Sometimes it took three hours just to get one jam-filled scone from a vendor, and the waiting was the funnest part of all.
The boys had been up since nine A.M waiting in queues for their tea, and were getting ready to nosh down on some lovely crumpets when Carlos spotted three bellezas walking towards the direction of the band.
"Hold on mis compadres, I see three beautiful chicas who should be dying to go on a date with me."
"I respectfully disagree with that!" James said, "They'll sooner date me instead of you."
Hortense glanced at the girls who were walking towards them. "Le Jennifers? Zey only date ze most polite peoples around!" He exclaimed, "Jou have no chance."
"Oh, but I do." Carlos smoothly said, taking out a red rose as The Jennifers walked by him. He offered it to the girls. "I see you ladies at this bar de ligar every day. Let us skip tea time and go have some fun time on our own, hmm?"
The Jennifers were offended by that statement.
"I say! Skip tea time?" The blonde Jennifer spoke in a haughty accent, "How preposterous!"
"How rude!" The brunette Jennifer agreed, "Suggesting to skip tea time is perhaps the most un-polite thing one could possibly do!"
"Tea time is the second most important thing of the day. The first is waiting in queues for the tea!" The final Jennifer stated.
The blonde Jennifer looked over the rejected Carlos's shoulder and saw a vendor selling crumpets. "Come on ladies, I see a two hour-long queue ahead of us. Good day to you, Carlos." She said politely as her and her friends left the scene.
Carlos sat back down in his chair, undeterred. "There are more 'fish in the sea' as you Englishmen say, of course."
"I don't say that." Kendall said, "But I do say that your lollygagging with The Jennifers has cost us our tea time! Look here – everything is cold." He motioned to the chilled cups of tea that were forgotten by the four boys when The Jennifers walked by.
"But Kendall, this means we get to wait in queues some more! I'll get to wear my 'standing in queue' scarf." James said excitedly.
"I guess..."
"Oh, how I wish for a girl who loved standing in queue as much as I do."
"I want ze foreign girl. Jou Englishmen are le annoying." Hortense said rather rudely, but then again, he's a Frenchman.
"I do not care what a girl is like, as long as she's one spicy bombón." Carlos said, then suddenly pointed to the door that led into the Sherwood lobby, "My friends - I see a beautiful young chica that I've never had pleasure viewing before. And let me tell you all that I have viewed every lovely lady that lives here."
By the doorway was a blonde girl with blue eyes who held a stern expression on her face. "Vhy eez everyone standing in ze long lines? Zere should be more vendors if zere are zis many people!" She spoke in a German accent as she pushed her way through the teens who were standing in line. "Ze first zing I'll do vhen I take over ze Sherwoods eez getting rid of all zeese lines!"
Kendall, disgusted by this new girl's behaviour, spoke to her when she attempted to pass by. "Take over the Sherwood Forest Apartments?" He repeated in a disbelieving tone, "And what makes you so sure you'll have that ability?"
"Because I am pureblood, und ze rest of you eez uncultured filth!"
"Pureblood? Hah!" Kendall laughed, "I'm Sir Kendall Knight, descended from the very first knights in existence. And who might you be?"
"Johann Taylöch, from Germany. Ze greatest country un ze planet!"
"Johann is ze boy's name." Hortense commented while eating a frog.
This made the girl slightly blush, "Vell, yes, but sie may call me Jo."
"Jo is still ze boy's name." Hortense said, now eating a plate of snails.
"Eet doesn't matter! I vell take over ze Sherwoods und no one can shtop me!"
"You and what army?" Kendall asked.
"I vill makend ze army!" Jo responded, "But verst I need un less pretty und less intelligent accomplice to do vhatever I zey. You! Vhat's your shtory?" She said, pointing to Camille who was nearby and currently waiting in a line to go somewhere.
"Oh, me?" Camille answered, "I'm simply waiting in the queue to get into queue to wait in queue for some water!"
"Zat's very dumb. You are perfect to be mein henchman. Let's depart!" Jo said, grabbing Camille's arm and pulling her out of line.
Camille gasped. "Oh no, but I have been waiting in that queue for three days!" She complained as Jo dragged her away.
"I like her." James said, pulling out a small blue bag and rummaging through it. "I'm going to find my flirting scarf and ask her out."
"How do jou fit all ze scarfs in that tiny bag?" Hortense wondered as he scarfed down a baguette.
"It's larger on the inside. And come on Hortense, you shouldn't be eating quite so much. You'll get fat."
"Me, fat? Oh, non non non! Only Americans can get fat!"
Kendall rolled his eyes, "If you wish to make fun of the Americans, then go to the 'Anti-American' stand my mother is running in the Sherwood Fun Fair. Right now we have a fake pureblood to take care of."
"How do you know that she's a fake?" James asked while pulling one scarf after another out of his bag.
"She seems pretty real to me." Carlos said, leaning on the table in a magazine-ready pose while his red rose moved slightly in the wind. "Oh, yes, she's pretty real. A pretty real pretty who shall agree to date me by the day's end."
"I disagree your statement!" James bellowed while holding a mountain of scarves in his arms, "I respectfully and politely disagree!"
"Oh? But how can you ask her out if you must go to the doctor's today?"
"The doctors?" Kendall echoed.
"I have a dental appointment today. But my teeth are perfect - see?" James opened his mouth to show off his yellow, cracked teeth.
"How ace!" Kendall exclaimed, "You still have all of your teeth?"
"My mother paid for the highest dentistry, and it shows." James said, "I'll just skip my dentist appointment."
"Oh no you won't." Came Miss Kelly's voice, who just arrived on the scene and had overheard the conversation. "A part of your contract is appearing at your doctor's appointments on time - you need to be healthy while singing on stage. You mustn't blow them off just to chase some girl."
She looked at Carlos and Kendall. "Gustavo wants you two at the studio. And you" She looked at Hortense, "go take James to the dentistry."
"Ve've been vaiting een line fer hours! How long does eet take fer someone to buy a couple of guns?" Jo complained, looking at the long line of people in front of her.
"I don't know, but I'm having fun!" Camille said. When the queue moved up a step, she hopped forward in glee. "Woohoo! That's three steps in the past fifteen minutes! I say we are moving much quicker than last hour."
The line moved again, and hopped forward once more. "Woohoo!"
The gentleman in front of the two girls stared daggers at Camille. "Are ye gonnae do that every time we move?"
"Yep!" Camille said brightly, "Waiting in queue is my absolute most favorite thing to do."
The line didn't move any quicker, but two more "Woohoo!"'s and exclamatory shouts from Camille made a couple of people leave in annoyance.
"Vell, I guess zat's one vey to move to zee top of zee line." Jo remarked as Camille's loud exclaims got more and more people to leave.
Gustavo gave the disinterested teens sheet music to a new song.
Kendall scanned quickly scanned it, raising an eyebrow at its contents. "A love song?"
"Not jus' any love song, ya know." Gustavo said, "It's a love song about me homeland, Scotland!"
Carlos dramatically flung the sheet music to the ground, punctuating his next sentence. "This is horrible! Terribles escritura - the worst thing I've ever read!"
"Stop it with ye Spanish talk, ya know no one understands ye."
"Al menos yo no soy francés." Carlos said.
"QUIET!" Gustavo yelled, "Nae one's leavin' this spot until ye all learn this new song."
"If I may ask, who would stop us if we tried to leave, then?" Kendall questioned.
Gustavo shrugged. "Well, no one. But I know that ye be too puh-lite tah actually leave."
Kendall and Carlos looked at each other contemplating going against their stereotypes for once in their lives and actually walk out on their jobs. But no, they couldn't do it. Gustavo was right; they were both too polite to leave.
Carlos picked his song back up again. "Fine - I will sing your monstrosity against music."
"Let us chivvy along, Carlos. If we finish this soon, I'll be able to go back to the Sherwood Apartments and out Jo for the fake 'pureblood' she claims to be." Kendall said as he eyed the repulsive song's lyrics.
It only took James and Hortense three hours before the queue dissipated, letting the boys talk to the receptionist behind the dentistry counter.
To their surprise, the receptionist was none other than Katie Knight.
"Katie? What are jou doing here?" Hortense asked, "Doesn't this country have child labour laws?"
"Well, yeah, but this country has no rules against a scone stand." Katie said, motioning to the sign plastered on her table that read "Bloody good scones - five pounds each!" in large print.
"That eez way too much money for one scone!" Hortense gasped, "What are we - capitalist America?"
"Yeah, I'm disgrace to the English country, whatever, I've heard it all before. Buy a scone or leave the queue." Katie demanded.
James recognised that something was amiss. "Wait a moment." He started, "We were in the queue for scones this whole time? Hortense, you were supposed to take me to the dentistry!"
"I'm not so very good with ze driving." The other boy shrugged.
"But we walked here!" James said.
Katie quickly grew bored with the conversation and spoke once more. "The Do It Yourself dentistry is in the back of the Fun Fair, right next to my mum's Anti-America stand." She said, motioning behind her where other stands were located. "If you don't go now, I'll call the secret police on you."
The boys quickly left after that warning.
It took two more hours of practise, but by golly, the boys had the song down perfectly.
The choreography, the lyrics, and the presentation - they had it down pat.
The song wasn't any good, but they sure had it down pat.
"Alright, we've learned the song." Kendall said, "May we be excused, then?"
"Nae danger, we must wait for the others."
"But it's going to take them days to get here. Especially since Hortense can't drive and so they must travel by foot to this place."
"None o' ye be leavin' until ye all learn this song. End o' discussion, lads."
Carlos grimaced, then wiped that frown off of his face when he realised how un-sexy that was. He then had an idea. "Kendall," He said in a stage whisper, "What if we...leave?"
"Leave? Blimey, how unpolite!"
"But how unpolite will it be if I let that beautiful blonde bella go to bed tonight without a boyfriend?" Carlos asked. Without waiting for an answer, he continued. "Sometimes it is best to go against stereotypes! Adios." He gave a curt bow of his head before walking out of the room.
Gustavo yelled after him, but couldn't do anything to stop the retreating teen for there were no guards stationed about the area.
Kendall grappled with his conscious. Leaving without being excused would be highly unstereotypical, and he was normally above going against stereotypes. But the Sherwood Forest Apartments had a resident claiming to be pureblood when she wasn't - and Kendall needed to put a stop to that. The Knight family were the only purebloods living in the apartment complex, and to let Jo besmirch their good status by proclaiming to be pureblood as well was highly insulting.
He called out to his friend, "Carlos - hold off! I'm coming with you!"
"Woohoo!" Camille squealed as the line moved forward another step.
The man behind her grunted. "That's it!" He said loudly, catching the attention of the quiet and orderly queue around him. "This lass has been shouting exclamatory remarks for the past four hours and I have had enough!" He stepped out of the queue and walked a few steps forward so he could face the girl. "You must stay quiet!"
"Vat's all of zis?" Jo said, popping out two earplugs and looking at the strange man before her. She glanced at Camille, "Who's he?"
"He thinks I should 'stay quiet' while standing in queue." Camille informed.
The man nodded, "Children should be seen and not heard."
"Hey - you can't tellen her vat she can or cannot do." Jo told the man, "Only I can! Git yer own henchman."
Jo then suddenly raised her voice, catching the attention of all who was around her. "Queue skipper! Queue skipper! Zis man is trying to jump in queue!"
The man was jumped by no less than five secret policemen at that very second - the line started to boo the accursed 'queue jumper' as he was beaten with batons and the like before being dragged away.
"Oh, good show." Camille said, "And look - we're at the front of the queue!" She then pouted. "The fun part's over."
Jo smiled. "Vinally! Now I can buy some guns to vurther aiden in mein quest in taking over zee Sherwood Forest Apartments!" She went up to the lady behind the counter. "Frau, I vould like to buy a gun, please."
"Righto - that'll be fifteen pounds." The woman said, putting an...oddly-coloured gun on the counter.
"Is zis...a water gun?" Jo stated, picking the plastic children's toy up and inspecting it. She looked at Camille. "I vanted un real gun, not cheeldruns toy!"
"Guns aren't allowed in this country." Camille said, "So I took you to the next best thing."
"How is zis 'ze next best thing'?"
"Jo! Jo!" Came two very familiar voices. The girls looked back and saw Kendall and Carlos skipping the queue and running straight towards them. The people who were in the queue were greatly displeased by what was happening, but were too polite to do anything about it.
The boys started speaking simultaneously and in a hurried jumble.
"A lovely chica like you shouldn't - "
"You are not a pureblood because - "
" - a spicy Spaniard like me and a guapa German like you - "
" - should be imprisoned for lying and attempting to overthrow - "
" - hot tamales, and for dessert we'll have whipped cream - "
" - and 'Taylöch' isn't even a real last name - "
"I don't like zese two." Jo said, not paying attention to either of the boys' frenzied speeches.
"They're okay." Camille shrugged.
Jo picked up the watergun and threw it at the boys. Kendall caught it by reflex and Carlos quieted down, looking at the watergun in slight curiosity.
Jo suddenly shouted, "Thieves! Thieves! Zese two boys jumped the queue and shtole a gun!"
Five members of the secret police showed up in a flash. "Guns are illegal in this country!" One of them shouted, "And so is stealing and jumping the queue!"
The guards then grabbed the two shocked boys and dragged them away from the scene.
"I can't believe there was no queue for the Do It Yourself dentistry." James said as he and Hortense left the Sherwood Fun Fair.
"I believe eet - half of jou people don't even have any teeth." Hortense replied.
James was about to offer a retort when five secret policemen appeared, a weird sight to see.
But what was even weirder was the fact that Kendall and Carlos were the ones being apprehended by the policemen. They watched the small, rowdy group walk by them in shock.
"Was that..." James trailed.
"Jes."
"Should we..."
"Well...jes, I suppose we should help." Hortense said, "They're our friends, I guess."
At that, the boys ran after the secret police, managing to track them down and bribe them into releasing Kendall and Carlos with some of Katie's bloody good scones that she generously donated to the police station for four pounds each.
By the time they got back to the Sherwood Forest Apartments, it was too late. Jo had already taken over the entire place. It was actually quite easy for her to do so - Mr. Bitters was a Frenchman and surrendered fairly quickly.
Tea time was still in action, but instead of crumpets and scones there was sauerkraut and bratwurst. Also, instead of serving tea, they served beer.
But the worst thing Jo did to the Sherwoods was stabilizing the vendor to buyer ratio. The queues now lasted no more than a few minutes at the most.
The Sherwoods was no longer a bright and happy place to live, and it was all thanks to Jo Taylöch.
...That is, until Kendall called the secret police on Jo and had her arrested for being rude, lying and running a dictatorship, course. After that, the Sherwood Apartments went back to normal, queues and all.
Big Time Rush still had to sing that blasted song that Gustavo wrote, however. And no one liked it, not even the Scottish.
Xx
Haha, 'löve queue' sounds like 'love you', but our great overlord Jo Taylöch clearly doesn't love anyone.
I had this in my drafts, and since the first story went by okay, I decided to post this as well.
Please review with any criticisms and the like - remember that this is just a parody but if you think I did something completely bonkers, feel free to tell me!