Chapter 26
Hotch watched Kahlan sleeping. Swimming really took it out of you, huh? A scheming grin spread across his face and he slid out from under her. He got up as quietly as he could and then stood there and made sure he hadn't woken her up. Once he was sure, he pulled the ropes out from under the mattress where he had hid them. He had to fight back a chuckle as he lightly put a loop around one of her ankles. When she didn't react, he moved her other leg gently to get it closer to the bed post. He bit his lip and waited to see if see was going to wake up, but she didn't. He fastened the other end of the rope around the bed and left enough slack in it so that once she was positioned correctly, he could tighten it up.
Next, he gently moved her arm and slipped a loop around her wrist. As soon as he cinched it up on her and it pulled her arm into position, her eyes snapped opened. "What the hell?" she asked before she even realized what he was doing. He jumped on the bed and straddled her to hold her down. "Aaron!" she yelled as he tightened up the loose one on her leg.
"You thought I couldn't do it," he bragged as he tried to get her other arm.
She held her free arm tightly to her body as he pulled on it, and she gave him a look of defiance. "Don't! You'll hurt me!" she told him as she tried to wiggle out from under him.
He gave up trying to pull on her because she was right, and he didn't want to rip one of her muscles. He smiled deviously and leaned down and ran his scruffy chin down the side of her neck.
She giggled and squirmed. "Don't! That's not fair!"
He lifted her shirt and ran the side of his face against her stomach as she laughed even harder. "Relax your arm, Kahlan."
"No!" she cried out in between giggles.
He attacked her neck and throat again.
"Please, Hun!" she begged as she tried to get away from him but with one arm and her legs being already tied up, she couldn't get far enough away.
"Relax your arm," he told her as he rubbed his chin up beside her ear.
"Ok!" she yelled as she couldn't take it anymore.
He laughed as he positioned her arm and tied up her wrist. His face beamed in triumph.
"And now what are you going to do? I still have my clothes on," she told him with a cocky grin.
"Not for long," he told her as he ripped her shirt down the middle.
She flinched and he scooted down and took her shorts in his hands. "Aaron," she said softly.
"Just relax, Babe. I'm going to try to show you just as good as a time as you showed me," he told her and ripped her shorts.
"Aaron, stop," she cried out quietly, but he didn't hear her as he focused on the task of removing her clothes.
He felt her tense. "Relax, Babe," he told her as he removed her panties and threw them and her shorts onto the floor. When his focus went back to her, he realized her whole body was stiff. "Babe?" he asked as he looked at her. Her eyes were squeezed shut and she was breathing in rapid, shallow breaths. "Kahlan?" he asked desperately as he scooted up closer to her face.
As soon as his hand touched her, she flinched and a whimper escaped her as her eyes snapped open. The terror he saw on her face broke his heart. "Oh my God!" he exclaimed as he jumped up and went for the ropes. "I am so sorry! I am so sorry!" he exclaimed over and over again as he untied her. His hands were shaking as he fumbled with the ropes that had tightened, but he got her undone.
She didn't move, though, and he didn't think she even realized she was free. "Kahlan?" he asked quietly as he reached out for her, but his outstretched hand pulled back as it shook. He didn't touch her because he wasn't sure how she would react. "Kahlan!" he called out a little louder. She flinched again and when she realized she was untied, she sat up and folded in on herself. His heart broke a little more as he watched her hugging herself as she cried.
"Tell me what to do, Babe," he pleaded as he moved closer to her.
She shook her head.
He tried to swallow the massive lump that had formed in his throat, but it wouldn't go down. He looked around desperately and then grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around her careful not to touch her. "Do you want me to leave?" he asked as tears fell down his cheeks.
She pulled the blanket around her tighter and shook her head.
"I am so sorry, Kahlan."
"It's not your fault," she told him weakly. "You didn't know," she told him through tears.
"What do you want me to do?"
She sucked in air and then looked at him. "Hold me until I feel safe again," she pleaded.
He went to her quickly, sat on the bed, wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her to him. She buried her face into his chest and he held her tightly as she cried. He cried right along with her. Oh my God, what have I done?
After she calmed down some, he started stroking her hair and whispering to her; telling her he loved her, that she was safe, anything that he thought might help. Eventually, she fell asleep, so he maneuvered them and laid down with her, never letting her go.
As he laid there hating himself, he eventually drifted off to sleep, too.
XXX
When Hotch woke up the next morning, Kahlan wasn't in his arms. She was on the other side of the bed curled up in a ball. Another tear escaped him as he looked at her. I am so sorry, Babe! He reached and gently laid a hand on her back. She flinched and he pulled it away quickly. No! God, please!
He wasn't sure if she was awake or not, so he got up and went to the other side of the bed to see. She looked to still be asleep, so he made his way to the restroom and got dressed. When he emerged, she had turned over to face the other way. "You awake?" he asked softly not wanting to wake her if she wasn't.
"Yeah," she said weakly.
"You need anything? Is there anything I can do?" he asked as he sat down on the bed.
She shook her head. "I just need a little time."
He bit his lip and tried to fight back the tears that wanted to win. "You want me to. . ."
"I need to be alone, Aaron, please."
One mutinous tear won the battle and fell down his cheek. "Ok, Kahlan." He stood up. "I'll be back to check on you later."
She nodded, but didn't say anything.
He took one more, long look at her and then left the room as he pulled out his phone.
He texted Rossi: 'Stables, now, please!'
XXX
Rossi walked into the tack room to find Hotch sitting on one of the saddle holders with his elbows on his knees and his face buried in his hands. "What the hell, Hotch?"
Hotch slowly brought his head up to look at him, and Rossi could tell he'd been crying.
"Oh, God, what happened?" he asked quickly as he went and put a supportive hand on Hotch's shoulder.
"God, Dave, I've ruined everything!" Hotch started and fresh tears filled his eyes as he stood up.
Rossi took a deep breath. "Sit down and tell me what happened."
Hotch nodded and wiped his face as he sat back down. He bit his lip and Rossi could tell Hotch wasn't comfortable with whatever he was about to say.
"I can't help if you don't tell me, Aaron."
Hotch nodded again and took a deep breath. He ran a hand through his hair and shrugged. "Ever since Kahlan and I have been together, we've had this little, private joke kind of thing, between us about her wanting to use rope in the bedroom," Hotch told him as he cringed and looked at Rossi expecting some sort of horrible reaction to their unconventional idea.
Rossi, of course, didn't give him one. "And apparently you all have finally done it?"
Hotch huffed and nodded weakly. "A couple nights ago."
"That can't be the problem now, though," Rossi told him.
Hotch shook his head. "No. That went fine."
Rossi silently waited for him to go on.
Hotch got up and started to pace as he took a long, deep breath. "She tied me up, and then the last night. . ." he sighed heavily. "Last night I tied her up," he had to stop as he choked on a sob.
"Oh no," Rossi said quietly as he started to understand. He got up and put a hand on Hotch's back. "Just tell me."
Hotch stepped away from him believing that he didn't deserve to be comforted. "The morning after she did it to me, I teased her and told her to just wait until it was her turn." He shook his head as his eyes watered again. "She told me no, that that wasn't part of the deal, but I pushed it."
"Turnabout's fair play," Rossi offered.
"And she told me that I'd never be able to tie her up if she didn't want me to," Hotch told him as he turned to him. "And I took that as a challenge!"
"You succeeded," Rossi led him.
Another sob escaped him. "Only because she fell asleep," he told him weakly.
"She woke up, though."
Hotch nodded, and Rossi could see the self-loathing on Hotch's face. "I was reveling in my apparent victory and not really paying attention. . ."
"Something happened."
Tears streamed down Hotch's face. "I don't know where she was, but she wasn't in that bed with me."
"Oh, God."
Hotch nodded. "You should have seen the terror in her eyes."
"What did you do?" Rossi asked.
"I untied her as fast as I could, apologizing the whole time," he told him and then ran a hand down his face.
"And what did she do?" he asked softly.
"As soon as she realized she wasn't tied up anymore, she sat up and folded in on herself trying to be as small as possible." Hotch sniffed and wiped his face. "I didn't know what to do, but I put the blanket around her. She was crying, Dave!" Hotch blurted out and started crying again.
Rossi put his hand on Hotch's shoulder again. "And then what?" he asked knowing there was more to the story.
"I asked her what she wanted me to do. I asked her if she wanted me to leave. . ." He took a ragged breath. "And I apologized again!" He shook his head. "She told me it wasn't my fault because I didn't know, but. . ."
"But you still feel responsible."
Hotch nodded quickly. "Then she told me to hold her until she felt safe again," he told him as he started to shake a little.
"That's good, though, isn't it?"
Hotch shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. I held her until she cried herself to sleep and then I held her some more."
"And you fell asleep." Hotch nodded. "What happened this morning?"
"She won't even get out of bed." His hands were balled into fists and Rossi could tell he wanted to hit something out of frustration, but he also knew Hotch was frustrated with himself. "God, Dave. I've ruined everything!"
Rossi grabbed him by the shoulders. "No you haven't! You can get through this!"
"How can we get through this?" Hotch asked and then pulled away from him roughly. "This vacation had been so close to perfect! It has been literally the best time of my life!" He took another ragged breath. "We've had so much fun. The kids. . . you and Cindi. . . but now every time she thinks about it she's going to remember me doing that to her!"
"Aaron, just stop! You didn't know!"
"But I should have!"
"How? How could you have possibly known?"
Hotch crumpled in on himself and Rossi pushed him to the seat. "I should have known in Indiana."
Rossi sat down across from him and studied his face. "But she said she. . ."
Hotch shook his head quickly. "While I was holding her last night, every moment we have spent together played in my mind." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "In Indiana, that night in the hotel when she watched that video, that's when I should have known!"
"But she said she wasn't raped."
"It was what she said." He shook his head roughly. Rossi looked at him questioningly. Hotch choked back another sob. "She said: 'with everything that happened, they didn't rape me.'"
Rossi closed his eyes as cold realization ran over him.
"'They didn't rape me', implying that they didn't but someone else had," Hotch explained as he hit his thigh roughly and stood up. "She didn't say 'I've never been raped.' Why didn't I catch that?"
"Aaron. . ." Rossi started as he stood up.
"That's my job, damn it! I catch shit like that all the time from unsubs and victims, but I couldn't even figure it out for my own wife?!" Hotch slammed a fist into the wall. "It was probably one of the most important things she has said, and I missed it!"
"You were probably so elated at the time that it didn't register," Rossi offered. "We didn't pick up on it either."
Hotch shook his head as he bit his lip. "I should have known by the way she was acting and the things she said here these last couple days, too," he told him weakly and sat down again.
"What do you mean?"
"I didn't see it at the time, but when I mentioned tying her up, there was a flicker of something in her eyes. I realize now that was fear, but I was so bent on getting my revenge. . ."
"Aaron. . ."
"And she kept telling me 'no', but I wouldn't listen. I should have known! I should have seen that she was adamantly against it! I should have known there was a reason behind the way she was acting! I shouldn't have put myself and my want for revenge first!"
Rossi grabbed his face in his hands. "There's no turning back, so it doesn't matter what you may or may not have seen or figured out. That doesn't matter now. What matters now, is what you can do to fix this."
"How can I possibly fix this? She is never going to trust me again!" Hotch exclaimed as his eyes filled with fresh tears.
"She wouldn't have let you hold her if she didn't trust you, Aaron," Rossi told him as his thumbs wiped tears away.
Hotch's eyes darted around as he considered it. "But now what do I do?"
Rossi stood up and ran a hand over his goatee as he considered it. "You need to get her out of that bed. You need to get her mind on something else."
Hotch rubbed the back of his neck as he considered his words.
"And then when you think she is ready, you need to get her to talk about it."
Hotch huffed. "We've been together over six years, and she hasn't talked to me about it. Why would she talk to me about it now?"
"Because now you know," Rossi told him matter-of-factly.
Hotch nodded weakly.
"But get her mind off of it. Don't let her wallow in those memories; we both know how dangerous that can be," Rossi told him seriously.
Hotch took a deep breath. "I'm not sure I'll be able to, but I'll try."
"Hell, get the kids involved if you have to. I'm sure Joey could get her to do something if anything." Hotch looked at him questioningly clearly not liking getting the kids involved. "Even if she won't do something with you, she needs to do something to get her mind off of it."
Hotch nodded again a little more strongly. "Alright."
"Is there anything special she still wants to do?"
Hotch shrugged. "Other than come to this castle, everything else has been spur of the moment. She's been more worried about me and the kids being happy that she has herself."
"I'll talk to Cindi. . ."
The look of horror on Hotch's face made Rossi clarify quickly.
"Not about that! Maybe she knows something that Kahlan would like to do, maybe she's wanted to do something since she was little or something."
"Ok."
Rossi put his hand on Hotch's shoulder again. "Get yourself together and then get back in there and get her out of that bed." Hotch wiped his face and nodded. "You will get through this."
Hotch's look told him he wasn't so sure.
"You two have been through so much, and you have come out even stronger. This will be no different," Rossi told him seriously.
"God, I hope so."
"I'll go in and keep the kids occupied until I hear from you, but if you can't do it, they'll be able to."
Hotch took a deep breath. "Thanks, Dave. I don't know what I'd do without you."
Rossi smiled and pulled him into a hug. That's what fathers are for, Aaron.