Chapter 13 – The Benefit of Friends

The aftermath of having sex with Edward this time, was extremely different from the last. There was no panic, no regret; there wasn't even a moment of awkward discomfort…

"I thought we agreed not to do this again?" Edward said jokingly as we laid on his bed and tried to catch our breath.

I giggled. "We did…But I think we'll be able to control ourselves better next time."

"I doubt it."

I laughed again. "Yeah, probably not." I took a deep breath, and then rolled over so that I was resting my elbow on his chest and was able to look him in the face…his unfairly perfect face. "So, the way I see it, we have two options."

"Okay?"

"We can either continue to try to fight this and probably end up having sex all the time anyway, or we can just go with it and see what happens."

He pretended to think about it. "I say we go with the first option. We can fight it by pretending it doesn't happen except for when it does."

As a response to his comment, I leaned my head down and bit him.

"Ow, what was that for?"

"I didn't like your idea," I told him. "Your parents already think we're together, as does the rest of town, so why would we pretend otherwise when it's obviously what we want too."

"Is it really what we want though?" he asked unexpectedly serious.

"Obviously. We're here, aren't we?"

"This could just be attributed to overactive teen hormones," he said straight faced. "I mean, we're always together, it's bound to happen."

"You…you don't want to be with me?" I asked, suddenly feeling insecure and even more confused.

"It has nothing to do with what I want," he replied evenly.

"Wait, you think I don't want you? I'm laying here in your bed, I'm saying I think we should try a real relationship, and you think I don't want you?"

He sat up and then pulled on his underwear. "I think…that you're still hung up on Jacob Black," he said, taking me aback.

"I'm not hung up on my ex," I said with a little less conviction than I intended. "Why would you even think that?"

"Uh…maybe because you've basically said so multiple times."

"What? I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You said your break up was rough on you, that your families were close and you shared all the same friends, that you weren't ready for anything romantic, blah blah blah. Look, it's not a big deal. I get it. You were with him for a long time, your entire life revolved around him, and there's probably a big part of you that misses what you had and hopes you could get it back someday. It's natural for you to feel like that, and maybe someday, after whatever issue you had that got between you two gets resolved, maybe you can get back with him."

We stared at each other for a minute, but then I forced my eyes away. "So then what…I'm just here fucking around with you until I fix my relationship with him? That's seriously fucked up, Edward. I can't believe you think so highly of me."

He huffed. "That's not what I meant. You and me…we're friends. I'm really grateful to have you as a friend because honestly, this place sucked until you started coming around…But I'm not fucking blind or stupid enough to think you're ready, or will ever be ready, for a more serious romantic type of relationship with me. And we are hormone driven teenagers, so why the hell is it so wrong to turn to each other for that?"

"So let me get this straight, you want us to be friends with benefits?" I asked bitterly. "No commitment, no romantic dates, no jealousy or hard feelings when the other wants to date someone else?"

He laughed once humorlessly. "You make it sound like we're going to be out clubbing and taking different strangers home to fuck on a regular basis. Bella, neither of us are dating around or anything, I don't even think I could get a chick around here to sleep with me at this point, but…Look, you said it yourself, we need each other as friends more than anything else, and if this doesn't work out or you decide you still love fuckface, then I don't want us to…I don't know."

"You don't want us to hate each other," I finished for him.

"It's been a long time since I had a real friend Bella, and I don't want to fuck it up."

My stomach dropped and I honestly felt sick. "I don't want to fuck it up either," I whispered with a tear streaming down my face, and as I said the words, I honestly meant them. It was like I had split into two entirely different entities; when I was with Edward, I so desperately wished I was the person I was pretending to be, but no matter how sincere I felt about him, there was always that other part of me that absolutely loathed him for what he did to my family. It was a traumatic battle within me that was constantly raging, and for the life of me, I had no idea which side would ultimately prevail.

"Then we won't fuck it up," Edward said to me as he reached to my face and gently wiped the tear away. "We're just going to keep being friends first…no matter what. Okay?"

I nodded as even more tears fell. I placed my hand over his, which was still resting on my cheek, and then I leaned in and kissed him. It wasn't a premeditated act, but it felt so good and so natural that I had forgotten what every other kiss I had ever experienced before that felt like.

The kiss was slow and emotional, but it soon erupted into so much more. I didn't even know it was possible to have that much fire in just a kiss, but it wasn't long before his underwear came back off.

We had sex again, but unlike the two times before, it was gentle and sweet. It almost felt like what one's first time should be like, and I briefly wondered why I had never known that kind of tenderness before. In fact, I couldn't remember a time I ever really enjoyed sex before Edward, which pretty much only added to my confused state.

After that day I could feel my loyalties begin to shift. The person I was with Edward was winning the battle, but during the sane moments when I was alone with my thoughts, that fact scared the shit out of me. It wasn't about being true to Jake anymore, that aspect of myself disappeared the moment he encouraged me to sleep with Edward, but I couldn't entirely forget why I was there in the first place - Edward killed my mother, and no matter how many emotions I let myself feel for him, she deserved justice and I was the only one who could give it to her…