Chapter 15 – White Flag
My meeting with Jacob upset me more than I let on, and I left the beach with a throbbing hand and feeling even more frazzled and lost than ever before. Jacob was right about one thing, I didn't know what I was doing anymore, and I wondered if I ever did. There was so much about the situation that I was confused about; I only wished I knew how to get it all straightened out.
I was so worked up as I drove away from La Push that I knew I'd never be able to sleep, so I decided against going home. Instead I just drove around aimlessly for a while, just letting the hum of the tires on the road calm my nerves. It didn't really work, and next thing I knew I had unintentionally driven myself to the Cullen house.
It was late, and everything was dark, but I needed to see Edward - it was an intense ach that I knew wouldn't be alleviated until I was with him - so I texted him that I was outside, and hoped he was in a position to read it. Thankfully two minutes later his bedroom light flash on, and then I saw him peek down from his window.
I inhaled deeply, and by the time I let it all the way out the front door was squeaking open.
"Bella, what are you doing here?" Edward asked sounding angry.
"I needed to see you," I said anxiously as I got out of my truck. "I couldn't sleep."
"Why…what happened?" he asked warily. His tone surprised me and made me even more anxious.
"Nothing…I just…This is the longest we've been apart since we've been…together. I just…I needed to see you."
"Why didn't you just call me? It's dark, Bella; you know I don't like it when you're out driving around after dark."
I laughed once. "Well, do you want me to drive home right now in the dark, or can I come in?"
He never really explained his fear of the dark, but I didn't really think I needed him to either, and I definitely didn't want to think about it right then.
His features softened. "Esme's going to be pissed about this in the morning," he said while wrapping his arm around me and then leading me into the house.
"I'll leave at first light," I assured him.
We tiptoed up to his bedroom and he shut us inside. He was probably planning to ask me what was going on again, but I didn't give him a chance. The moment the door was properly locked, I molded my body to his and attached our lips together wishing I could find a way to make the connection permanent. Jacob's forced kiss had left me feeling like my lips were tainted, and only Edward's could cleanse me. It was illogical, twisted, and beyond ironic, but I didn't have the strength to fight it anymore, not that I ever did a good job of fighting it in the first place.
I was pathetic and weak, and lacked all morals and dignity. I was lower than low, and I absolutely hated myself for not finding the strength to overcome my disturbing feelings for my mother's killer. What kind of person was I? It was as if I sold my soul to the devil and there wasn't a single force on earth that could help me get it back.
For the life of me, I couldn't get enough of him. Spending the afternoon apart seemed to make us insatiable, and I couldn't even keep track of how many time we had sex that night. I had all kinds of sick demented thoughts as we laid quietly in his bed together between romps, but eventually he grew still and I realized he had finally fallen asleep.
My eyes were heavy, my body was limp, but as I was about to join Edward in unconsciousness I noticed something. I wasn't a hundred percent sure, but lying on his nightstand, just a few feet away from me, was something that looked a hell of a lot like a journal.
Could all the answers to all my questions be sitting right there in arm's reach? Could I end the entire thing by just reaching out and reading the truth in his own handwriting?
I glanced up at his unfairly perfect face, and I just watched him sleep for a few minutes. I needed to make sure he was fully out before I could do anything, but as his slow and steady breath washed over me in a delicious warm breeze, I couldn't make my hand move to take the journal.
I mentally cursed myself to no end; it was my last chance at redemption, and I was failing miserably. I forced myself to remember all the better times with Jacob, I tortured myself with picturing my father's broken grief-stricken face as he told me of my mother death, but none of it helped persuade my body to move.
I didn't remember the moment I finally gave up the battle within myself, but I woke up the next morning suddenly feeling lighter than I had in a long time. Edward wasn't in bed with me, but I could hear him in the adjoining bathroom so I couldn't help but smile to myself like a fucking moron. We spent the entire night together, and not even the fact that his journal was suspiciously gone from its previous location could dampen my mood.
"Hey," I said when he emerged from the bathroom wearing nothing but a pair of boxers. His hair was wet like he had just gotten out of the shower, and it was dripping onto his bare torso; the sight of him made me quiver.
"Hey…Do you want a shower?" he asked awkwardly.
God yes I did. "I should probably get going before anyone notices my truck out front," I told him reluctantly.
He smirked. "Too late for that. I woke up to the sound of Esme tapping on the door about an hour and a half ago."
"Oh my god," I said horrified. I looked over at the clock next to where his journal used to be, and I was surprised to see it was seven AM. "What did she say?"
He shrugged. "I just told her you got into a fight with your dad and needed a place to crash. She was concerned, but you're eighteen so…" he shrugged again.
"But you're not…and she's your guardian," I said concerned.
"I really don't think it's a big deal. They love you; I bet they'd let you get away with murder," he said unexpectedly.
I nearly choked on my own spit from his words.
"Are you okay?" he asked slowly.
"Yeah…morning phlegm," I lied reflexively.
"Oh….attractive," he teased me.
I giggled despite the tense moment. "Oh shut up, you've kissed me after I hate a tuna sandwich and Doritos."
"True, but morning phlegm is different. That's a whole other level of gross."
"Well….too bad for you that I'll be using your toothbrush to wash away that morning phlegm," I said playfully, and then I rushed past him into his bathroom and locked him out.
"Hey, that's disgusting and grossly unsanitary!" he shouted at me through the door.
I snickered loudly, but he didn't respond any further so I figured he left the room or something. So I turned on the shower and curiously smelled his bottle of shampoo. I always loved the way Edward smelled, but not even a concentrated whiff of the soap that cleansed him smelled quite as good as he did; Edward's own personal natural smell made all the difference.
Just when I was about to step into the hot water, I heard a noise behind me, and suddenly the door swung open and Edward pounced me. "I will not sacrifice my toothbrush to your rancid phlegm!" he announced theatrically.
I giggled as he wrestled me into the shower, and without even intending to do so, our play-fight turned into yet another love session.
Spending the night with Edward in that way made us remarkably even closer. I couldn't imagine my life without him anymore, and I knew without a doubt that my fight against him had officially ended with my complete and utter surrender. I had no choice but to raise the white flag and offer him my undying loyalty from there on out. But my new devotion to Edward meant the beginning of a new battle…the battle to save him.
I chose to believe that the accident that caused my mother's death was just that, an accident, and making Edward waste his life in jail would be the real crime. Nothing could bring my mother back and I honestly didn't think she would wish for his arrest either. But it didn't matter what he did in the past anymore anyway, because my feelings for him were irrevocably unconditional. Now my only goal was to figure out a way to convince Jacob to leave him in peace; I didn't have a doubt that would truly be the battle of my life…
***A/N: I hope you're properly buckled in, because this ride is about to get rough…