Chapter 18 – Hitting the Bottom

I had no idea how long I stood there in front of the Cullen house, just lost in the deafening loud silence of my new reality, but eventually Edward must have gotten tired of it.

"Bella, get in the truck," he demanded.

When I didn't move he grabbed my arm and guided me into the passenger side, and even put my seatbelt on for me. We were half way to my house before I snapped out of it long enough to realize what was happening.

"You're driving," I said robotically.

"I do have a license," he replied emotionlessly.

"But…you never drive."

"Yeah well, I'm certainly not going to let you drive right now. You're fucking out of it, and you'd just end up wrapping your truck around a fucking tree."

"You said you hate me."

"I do," he said unapologetically. "But that doesn't mean I want you to kill yourself."

The next thing I knew he was pulling into my driveway, and I honestly couldn't remember the ten minute trip there. "How do you know where I live?" I asked vacantly.

"I think we've already established that I know a hell of a lot more than you thought I did. A little word of advice, if you ever try tricking someone into thinking you're their friend again, invite them over to your fucking house every once in a while. That was one of the first things that got me suspicious. We were always at my place, and you never once asked me to come here."

"I…I couldn't have you here," I whispered.

Suddenly there was a banging on his window making us both jump.

"Shit," he hissed under his breath.

It was Charlie, and he looked absolutely pissed. He gestured for us to get out of the truck, so we both grudgingly complied.

"What the hell are you doing away from school?" Charlie shouted at us. "I just got a call from Harry Clearwater, and he told me you were down at his police station submitting false evidence in your mom's crash. Bella, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"I can explain that, Chief Swan," Edward spoke up unexpectedly. "You see, you raised Bella to take matters into her own hands, and she thought she was getting justice, but what she was really doing was fucking over herself."

"Watch your mouth, son!" Charlie snapped at him. "Do you think I don't know who you are? I know exactly who you are. You're just like all the other punks your age who thinks they can do whatever the hell they want without any consequences. But let me assure you, you will get what's coming to you! One way or another, you will get what's coming to you."

Edward smirked. "I hope so, sir."

My stomach twisted one last time as I watched Edward turn and walk towards a car waiting nearby, and then the pain disappeared just as he did. There was no more pain, no more happiness, no more nothing.

Charlie continued to berate me with questions, but I wasn't listening, and a few minutes into it I just left him there mid-sentence, and went into the house and locked myself inside my room. I didn't care that he was "disappointed" in me or how upset he was, I didn't care about anything anymore.

I expected myself to break down and cry like I had before, but I didn't shed a single tear; I just laid in bed and stared at the wall. I had cried for my mother, and I cried for Edward; I had cried so much that I was just all cried out and I couldn't even force the tears even if I tried. But I was okay with that, it was the only way to survive it anyway.

I stayed in bed the rest of the day and the entire night, and then the next morning I got up, got dressed, and then got into my truck and went to school.

I walked through the campus in a daze, and during the class breaks I'd sit alone and do my best to ignore the intrusive stares and cruel snickering of my peers. I had sacrificed all my friends, my boyfriend, my relationship with my dad, and everything else that made me who I used to be, and I would have gladly done it all again for Edward, but now he'd walk past me in the halls with the same toxic indifference as the rest of them. I would have preferred hate filled glares over the hollow way I'd occasionally catch his eye; I only hoped that I didn't ruin his spirit the way I undoubtedly ruined mine.

It continued on like that for the next few weeks - emotionless days and empty nights, with millions of numb moments in between. There were times when I seriously considered driving my truck off a cliff or downing a bunch of my dad's sleeping pills, but those thoughts were fleeting and didn't usually last long. Mostly I did everything I was supposed to do – school, homework, and I'd even eat occasionally - but I was just going through the motions because I couldn't feel anything. But then one day I realized something that changed everything again…I was late.

A jolt of hope buzzed through me as I realized what could be happening. I checked my pill count and was slightly disheartened to see that I had only missed doses after Edward and I stopped sleeping together, but it didn't really matter, because I was still late and the pill wasn't a hundred percent affective anyway.

The idea of a teen pregnancy should have terrified me, and had it happened the month before I certainly would have been, but as my life was currently, I couldn't help but feel more excitement than I had about anything in a long time. If I was carrying Edward's baby then he'd have to forgive me, and we could work our way back to what we had. Even if he never took me back, at least being pregnant and having a baby would mean I wasn't alone anymore…

I was so eager to know for sure that I set up a doctor's appointment for the following week, and for the first time in a while I had something to look forward to. With the hope of being pregnant, I started eating right and taking better care of myself, even my father noticed the change.

"Wow, I'm glad you're back to being yourself," he said to me one evening.

"Everything is going to be better now," I said feeling almost manic.

But my happiness was short lived, because the next morning I woke up to the worst thing I could imagine at that time…my period.

It was almost disorienting to go from the highest of highs to that extreme low, but then my distraught mind devised a plan that would surely keep me in the blissful state permanently, I just had to figure out how to make it happen.

For the next two weeks I could think of nothing else, and then the prefect day finally arrived. I had an entire speech planned out, but the moment I saw Edward across the school quad area, I lost all control. I slammed into him and immediately attached my lips to his. I had never been so desperate for anything in my life, and for a few moments it almost seemed like he felt the same way as he kissed me back just as intensely… I should have known it was too good to be true.

He gently but forcefully pushed me away. "Bella, what are you doing?"

"I need you. I've tried to respect your hate for me, but I can't anymore."

He took a step back and shook his head slowly. "It's not going to happen," he murmured.

"I know you still hate me, but that's okay. You hated me before when we had sex, right?" I tried to kiss him again, but he pulled back so I continued to try to convince him verbally. "Edward please, you have no idea how much I need this right now."

"Bella, stop," he said with quiet sternness. "People are looking."

"I don't give a shit!" I shouted before unsuccessfully trying to kiss him again. His restraint didn't detour me. "Let's go somewhere…To the bathroom, or a classroom, my truck, anywhere."

"Okay, let's go somewhere and talk about this."

"We don't have time to talk! I'm ovulating, I could get pregnant and we could be a family; or, if you don't want to be with me still it'll be okay because I'll just raise it by myself and I won't be alone anymore," I told him in a rush.

I honestly couldn't fathom that he'd possibly have an issue with my request. My mind refused to see how crazy it actually sounded, and not even his disturbed expression could detour me.

"If you just have sex with me this one last time, I'll never bother you again," I practically begged him.

He stared at me for a long moment, and if I didn't know any better I would have sworn his eyes almost looked sad, but then he nodded. "Okay."

"Okay?" I said excitedly.

He nodded again. "Okay."

"We can go to the bathroom," I said while grabbing his hand and pulling him in that direction, but he stopped me.

"No, let's go to my house…Nobody's home; we'll go to my room."

I smiled widely. "Maybe we can do it in the garage instead…We'll make our baby in the place we had our first time…where we first fell in love."

He hesitated for a moment, but then he smiled sweetly. "Okay…we can do that."

"Oh Edward, our baby is going to be so beautiful," I cooed as we headed towards the parking lot.

I thought it was weird that he was texting the entire trip to his house, but I didn't question him because the last thing I wanted to do was seem like a crazy possessive lunatic. We were together, and he was going to be inside me again; I couldn't possibly be happier…

I reached over and grabbed his hand, which seemed to surprise him for some reason, but he wove his fingers between mine and lifted our conjoined hands to kiss my knuckles. "I'm so sorry, Bella," he whispered.

I smiled at him. "I'm sorry too…but it doesn't matter anymore. You're giving me someone that will never leave me…The baby will always love me, even if you can't." My voice broke at the end, and for the first time since he left me I almost cried, but I held it in. It was a happy day, and not even knowing that I'd probably have to end up raising the baby alone could dampen it.

When we arrived at the Cullen house I immediately started kissing him, but he kept finding reasons to slow it down.

"I missed lunch," he said strangely. So we went into the kitchen and I sat at the table and watched him make a sandwich, which he then ate incredibly slowly. "You sure you're not hungry?"

I shook my head. "You know, someone may come home soon," I told him, hoping he'd hurry a little.

He cleaned up his mess and then stood there awkwardly in front of me. "Bella….we can't do this," he said, taking me back. "We're still in high school…"

"We'll graduate before the baby is born," I argued.

"We're just kids ourselves…we're in no way ready to be parents… We're not even together…and just a couple months ago you mentioned you didn't want to ever have kids. Look, I've been watching you for these past couple of months, and I get it, you're lonely, and stressed, and depressed, but having a baby is not the answer… You're deteriorating, Bella; you're making yourself sick and it can't continue."

I could actually feel my face fall. "What do you mean?" I asked, honestly unable to comprehend what he was saying. "Y-you brought me here. You said we could have a baby."

"Would you even listen to yourself right now? You want to have a baby with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You're eighteen; you have your whole life a head of you..."

"I have no life!" I exploded at him. "I'm alone all day every day. Everyone hates me. I have absolutely no one. No one!"

"Bella, you need help. You're having like…a nervous breakdown or something, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I made you feel like this."

"No… No, you don't get to be sorry. You said we could have a baby, you can't just change your mind…you can't. I need you. I have no one else."

Right then, seemingly out of nowhere, the front door opened and in walked Doctor and Mrs. Cullen…and Charlie.

"What are you doing here?" I asked my father.

"Bella, I've contacted Cypress Hill…They're waiting for you."

"Cypress Hill?" I asked confused.

"It's a psychiatric hospital," Doctor Cullen explained. "They're very good, and I can assure you you'll get the help you need."

"I don't need help!" I shouted at him. "Edward and I are going to have a baby and we're going to be a family and he's never going to leave me."

The doctor glanced at Edward, so I followed his line of sight and saw Edward shaking his head no.

"Alright, well, we'll be sure to get you a pregnancy test while you're there," Dr. Cullen told me gently.

"I'm not going anywhere!" I shouted at them.

"Yes, you are Bella," Charlie stepped back in. "This is my fault. I didn't get you the help you needed when your mother died….You should have seen a grief counselor or a therapist to help you cope…You still haven't taken the time to deal with the loss. And everything you've done afterwards…You need help, sweetheart."

I shook my head in denial. "You don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine. Edward and I are going to be together and everything will be fine," I said, refusing to listen to anything they were saying. "Tell them Edward. Tell them that we're going to be together. Tell them!"

He shook his head ever so slightly, and that was it, I completely lost it. I had no logic or reason, and I couldn't think one sane thought. All that was running through my mind was that everyone in that room was trying to keep me from my family…a family that didn't exist but could if they'd all just leave me the hell alone.

I had no idea what I was screaming or why I was flailing about, but I couldn't stop, and when I felt Charlie try to restrain me, I only fought harder. In my mind it was life or death, and I would not let them take me from Edward.

But then suddenly it was Edward's arms that surrounded me, and when he spoke I had no choice but to listen. "Shh, Bella, you need to take a deep breath and calm down. Everything is going to be okay."

"Everything is not going to be okay," I cried.

"Yes, it is," he cooed. "However bad things seem now, it will get better for you. I promise. You're going to get the help you need, and then you'll go off to college and leave this pathetic town and all these shitty people behind."

"No," I whimpered hopelessly. "I just want to stay with you."

"I'm sorry, but right now you can't."

"But I love you," I breathed.

Edward sighed, and then gently brushed my hair from my face. "I love you too…but you're not well, and…if we even have a shot of being together some day, you have to fix yourself first. So…I need you to let your dad take you to this hospital, okay… If you want, Carlisle can give you a shot to relax you a little…and you'll just go to sleep, and when you wake up, you're going to start feeling better."

My first tear in a long time spilled over my cheek, and suddenly I had a moment of clarity. What the hell was wrong with me? I was absolutely horrified with myself. "Edward, I'm so sorry…I don't know what I'm doing anymore."

"I know…but we're going to figure it all out."

I nodded slowly, and then I reached up and caressed his face. I wanted to cement the image of his perfect features into my mind forever, because I knew his kindness was only out of pity and that I'd never see him again after I left.

When he reached up and wiped the tears from my face, I moved my lips to his hand and kissed his palm. "I really am sorry," I murmured. "For everything."

He leaned in and kissed my forehead. "Me too," he whispered. "For everything."

"Come on, sweetheart," Charlie said while taking my elbow and gently pulling me away.

My chest throbbed more agonizingly violent than ever before, but somehow I found the strength to say goodbye and actually leave Edward behind. I didn't know what could make me better or how I'd ever really move on, but I knew I had to try. I didn't have any other choice.

My mother once told me that when someone is spiraling out of control, they have to hit rock bottom before they can climb their way back up. She died before she got the chance to redeem herself, and I was terrified that I'd end up sharing her fate. I was at my bottom; I was crazed and humiliated, but I had to believe that somehow, someway, I'd find a way out of the darkness.