Chapter 19 – Atonement

"So then Jane was like – 'It's in my hair' – and she went running around screaming," I said while laughing so hard that it was difficult to speak.

Charlie chuckled with me. "It's good to see you smile again," he said warmly.

I bit my lower lip. "I'm glad I came here," I admitted. "I don't even want to think about what would have happened if I stayed in Forks…Sucks that I'm going to miss prom and graduation though," I said somberly.

"They'll be more dances, and when you graduate college it'll all be worth it," Dad assured me.

"I know." I took a deep breath. "I got another acceptance letter today," I said with forced excitement. "ASU."

"That's where your mom went…I didn't know you applied there."

I shrugged. "I applied just about everywhere. I wasn't sure if any school would take someone who's finishing high school by correspondence in a psych-ward."

"You're a brilliant young woman who just lost your way for a short time, these schools would only be lucky to have you."

"Thanks dad," I said with a sigh. "So how are things on the home-front? You're not working yourself into an early grave are you?"

"Me? Of course not. I take one whole day off a week."

I scowled at him disapprovingly. "And what about your cholesterol?"

He nodded. "It's up…slightly, but I'm working on eating those spinach salads you keep telling me about."

I smiled. "Okay, so what's up?"

"What's up with what?" he played stupid.

"Oh come on dad, why are you here today?"

"Can't I visit my daughter without having an ulterior motive?"

"Yes, but you've already visited me once this week, so that means you had to have taken a sick day to come here today. So I'll ask again, what's up?"

He sighed. "Alright…I didn't come alone, but I wanted to make sure you were feeling good today before I asked you if you wanted to see him."

"Him?" My heat jumped.

"Yeah, Jake has something he really wants to talk to you about."

A wave of disappointment washed over me the moment he said 'Jake', but I had been working hard on accepting the fact that Edward didn't really care about me, and I refused to let it get me down right then. "Fine…Send him in."

"Bella, I already talked to your doctor about him coming, but if you're uncomfortable, or he says anything that upsets you, or…"

"Dad, I'm not made of glass… Okay, yes, I went crazy for a bit, and I'm not completely myself yet, but if I can't handle seeing Jacob for a few minutes how the hell will I ever be able to handle college?"

"But he was a major contributor to your issues," Charlie argued.

"And if he causes me to have a setback at least I know where to find a good doctor," I joked. "It's better if it happens here than after I'm discharged."

Charlie nodded. "I already warned him to watch his mouth otherwise I wouldn't hesitate to throw his ass in a jail cell overnight."

"Dad…I'll be fine," I said as confidently as possible.

I was slightly curious why my prick of an ex wanted to see me, but mostly I was eager and nervous to see how my emotions and sanity stood up to him. I wanted to be able to trust myself again, and before I could do that I had to be tested, so I was actually grateful he was there.

"Hey Bells," Jacob said as he sat across from me at the table. It made me cringe with resentment the way he said my name so casually, but I took a deep breath and forced myself to stay calm.

"Jacob," I greeted him stiffly. "And what do I owe the pleasure of your company to?" I asked with a little more attitude than I intended. With the help of my therapist I already accepted that I could only blame myself for my actions, but at the same time I learned that anger was a perfectly acceptable emotion, and I was certainly angry by his part in everything.

"Uh…I just wanted to come see how you were doing… So how are you doing?"

"I'm peachy," I said resentfully. "What's up, Jacob? Why did you come three hours to see me when you could have just emailed or written me a letter?"

"I..." he cleared his throat. "I wanted to start off by apologizing to you. However our relationship ended, we still had so many great years and I feel horrible for the way I treated you."

I pressed my lips and raised my brows as I waited for him to continue and hopefully cut to the chase.

"My dad's in jail," he said unexpectedly. "I'll be staying with Quill until I graduate."

I bit my cheek this time. "Why's he in jail?"

"Vehicular Manslaughter and Obstruction of Justice….He finally admitted what really caused the accident…It got pretty rough there for a while."

I laughed once humorlessly. "You're telling me?"

"I know… And I really am sorry. I was just so…stupid and blinded by hate. I trusted my dad and it just…I think we all just went a little crazy."

I nodded; he was definitely right about that. "So what happened? What made him finally confess?"

Jake took a deep breath. "After the fake journal thing….I was just so mad, and I tried to come up with some other way to get Masen back…and you. I didn't realize you were going through such a hard time, but, to be honest, I'm not sure if I would have cared then either. I was so…fucked up."

"What did you do?" I asked, feeling slightly anxious.

"It doesn't really matter anymore."

"Jacob, what did you do?"

"I pulled a lot of crap that didn't work, but the worst was when I tried to steal Dr. Cullen's car and frame Masen, hoping he'd get arrested or sent to another foster home. It was fucking weird, but it was like everything I did, he was always two steps ahead of me. I was too much of a pathetic moron to realize he had a spy in my inner circle," he said with a chuckle.

"Oh…funny," I said sarcastically.

"No, it's not funny…it's sick really. I should actually be checked in this place right with you…Or maybe a psychiatric prison, if I'm being honest."

"So…for all those weeks after the journal thing, you and Edward were still…"

"Yeah, I'm actually surprised he managed to keep it from you. Must have taken up all of his time; I mean, some of the shots I aimed at you were just as brutal…"

"At me?"

He looked down at his twiddling thumbs. "Yeah…I thought you were helping him with everything; I started hating you just as much as him."

"And Edward stopped you from whatever you were going to do to me too?" I asked absently as it all sunk in. Edward had protected me, even when he claimed to hate me. I wasn't stupid enough to think we could ever have a chance at being together again, but at least it gave me hope that he cared a little. "Jake…why are you telling me this?"

"I did a lot of shit that I have to atone for…It's no excuse, but I was just as lost in the entire thing as you were…At least you spent most of your time falling in love…I just fell into darkness. I absolutely hate everything I did…and I sincerely pray that one day you'll be able to forgive me."

My eyes burned and my nose tingled, but I refused to cry. "Today's not that day," I said honestly.

He smiled somberly. "No, I didn't expect it to be. I just hope that you'll have some peace of mind now that your mom is getting justice for her death. My dad has a ten year sentence…"

I inhaled deeply. "My mother has just as much blame in the accident as your dad does."

"Yeah well, she's not here anymore to take responsibility for herself," he mumbled.

"So…how did the truth come out?"

"I think when Dr. Cullen had me arrested for trespassing during my final failed attempt to frame Masen my dad realized just what a fucked up situation it was, and finally decided to 'save' me, or whatever, by coming clean."

"As if my mother's death wasn't fucked up enough," I said bitterly.

"Bella…I really am sorry. I thought…I thought Masen destroyed our family. I didn't care about anything other than revenge. I even sacrificed you," he said with unexpected tears as his voice broke at the end. "I was so…gone. I just wish we could turn back the clock and make different choices…I mean, we could have banded together and just…weathered the storm, but it just got so out of hand."

"Did you…did you ever apologize to Edward?" I asked timidly. I wasn't sure why the question made me so uncomfortable, but it did and I didn't know how to shake the feeling. I suppose it would just end up being the topic of my next therapy session.

"I tried….God, that was fucking hard… To actually have to admit you're wrong to your worst enemy…Man, that sucked, but yeah, after spending two weeks locked up for breaking and entering and harassment, I did apologize…for what it was worth."

"And what did he say?"

He shook his head. "He definitely was the wrong guy to cross. He's not a very forgiving individual, and he basically told me to rot in hell…I don't really blame him."

Suddenly Edward's voice sounded in my mind; him telling me he loved me had haunted my dreams, but as hard as it was, I knew deep down that he didn't mean it. He never called or wrote, and it was clear he never had any intentions to. Jacob was right, he wasn't a forgiving person, but regardless of knowing that fact about him, there was still a small part of me that hoped he changed...

"Did he….did he say anything about me?" I asked hesitantly.

Jake stared at me full of regret, and maybe even a little hurt, and then he shook his head. "Not really. Just that you deserved better than a boyfriend who manipulated you. I can't say I disagree…. But…."

"But what?"

"Bella, the Cullen's moved at the beginning of this month. I think someone said Dr. Cullen got a job heading up some hospital in Alaska or something."

"But Edward didn't graduate yet?" I said confused and feeling a mild case of panic.

"Nah, I think he did. I overheard Principal Skinner talking about how he had all of his credits completed so he took an exam or something to graduate early. He moved with them…which I guess is a big deal since he was just a foster kid and about to turn eighteen in a few months and all."

"So…he's really gone?" I asked quietly. Having Edward move so far away made the probability that I'd never speak to him again that much more real. It was excruciating, and had I been at home and alone during that time I probably would have retreated back into my dark hole of nothingness… But I recently realized that just because the pain seemed unbearable, that did not mean I was going to die, and it did not have the ability to ruin my life.

In the end, I was glad Jake came. I still didn't forgive him and certainly didn't intend on having any sort of relationship with him in the future, but it was almost a sense of closure. Jacob was a major part of my life for the majority of my life, and it was good to say goodbye.

I had no idea what kind of life I'd have after being discharged, but I knew there was no going back to what I had before. I needed to start over new; reinvent myself and find a way to be happy in my own skin before I could ever hope to find real honest love with someone else. As terrifying as it sounded, it was a challenge I was excited to take on.

***A/N: I realize that sounded a little like an ending, but I assure you, we still have some things left to cover. I promised an E/B HEA, and I fully plan to deliver ;)