Chapter 20 – Starting Over

Time moved slowly, and yet, before I knew it more than a year had passed. I decided to put off college before now to focus on getting better and trying to find a peaceful balance in my life, but as I began to unpack my suitcase in my Seattle Pacific University dorm room, I worried I had come too soon.

"Just try to relax, and take everything slowly," Charlie said encouragingly as he was saying goodbye.

"Yeah, but what if I go crazy again?" I asked in a mild panic.

"You're not going to, and if you get overwhelmed just call me."

I nodded and then hugged my dad so he could head home.

I actually was feeling strong and ready to start the next chapter of my life, but occasional bouts of doubt would taint my confidence; I was only grateful my stubbornness was more consistent.

"Oh, hi, you must be Bella?" a girl said shyly as she came into the room. "I'm Angela Webber, your roommate."

"Hey, nice to meet you," I said as I awkwardly offered her my hand. I had a sudden déjà vu of the embarrassing way I introduced myself to Edward for the first time, but I shook away that memory; it was time to concentrate on the future, not dwell in the regrets of my past.

Strangely enough, Angela just smiled and shook my hand like there was nothing odd about the formal gesture, and I immediately relaxed. I knew better than to be reckless with my relationships again, but I honestly felt like she and I were going to be really good friends.

…

For the next two months I did my best to get acclimated to my new temporary home. So far my classes had been interesting and I liked all my professors, but socially, apart from Angela and a few of her friends, I still felt timid and insecure. It was true that meeting new people was a challenge for me even before my breakdown, but my recent psychological issues left me in a constant state of anxiety. What if I relapsed? What if someone found out I was in a mental hospital? Could I even pass as "normal" anymore? It was all very nerve-racking.

But I refused to give up, and one day I came across a pamphlet for the "Teens in Turbulence" workshop, so I decided to attend. It was put on by our school's psychology department, and I went there expecting to get extra help with my own issues, but what I found was that SPU students, such as myself, were actually there to help younger teens and their families deal with mental and emotional hardships. I was uncomfortable at first, but the more I started talking to the high school aged kids, the more I realized that I actually had a lot of insight to offer them. By sharing my struggles, they were able to know that they weren't alone, and work on ways to get themselves through the rougher times. It was an incredible experience, and I knew I'd continue to work with the organization through my entire time at the school.

Helping the kids also seemed to give me that confidence boost that I so desperately needed, and before I knew it, I was going out socially, and meeting all kinds of new people. I felt strong and more secure than I could remember ever feeling before. In fact, I felt so good that I actually agreed to go on my first ever real date…

His name was Garrett; he worked with me at the T in T organization, and had asked me out three times before I finally agreed. He was funny and sweet and treated me like a woman, and even after knowing about my past struggles, he wasn't scared off from wanting to get to know me better. But I wasn't at a place in my life where I wanted to be in a committed relationship again, so I was honest with him and thankfully he understood. We continued to date occasionally, but agreed to keep it casual and date other people as well; though, he made it clear that he hoped for a more serious future for us – a thought that made me incredibly uneasy.

Every time I pictured my future, it was always a forced image of me successful in my career, and married to a guy who was good and honest. I wanted that more than anything, but for whatever reason, my daydreams of tomorrow were always invaded by memories of laughing in a garage studio and muddy hands. I hated that I still hadn't let Edward go completely, and I began to wonder if I ever truly would.

With everything I had been through, accepting a stable content existence when I had known such intense fire would be the battle of my life. I doubted I would ever feel that kind of passion again, and I struggled every day to be okay with that. In fact, the more I found myself thinking about Edward, the more I tried to drown those unwanted thoughts by spending extra time with Garrett. I felt horrible for using him in that way, but I was always honest about it, and he seemed to understand. He was probably the sweetest guy I had ever known, and I was lucky to have him in my life.

…

"You sure you want to go to this thing?" Garret asked me one evening. "We could just go to the movies or hang out with Angela and her friends for the evening instead?"

"Actually, Angela is planning to be there tonight," I told him.

"She is?" he asked surprised.

"Yeah, well she's the one who invited me. She's sort of dating the school mascot," I said amused.

"Oh…well that's…something," Garrett laughed.

We were heading to the annual beach bonfire, which really wasn't either of our scenes, but I figured I'd go to be supportive of Angela's latest romantic endeavor. I didn't know at the time, but it was a huge mistake that would end up threatening my entire mental recovery…

"Bella, what's wrong?" Angela asked me quietly as I began to completely zone out.

"What…nothing," I said absently as I tried like hell to break my stare from a certain man several yards away.

"Hey Ben, why don't you and Garrett go find us some drinks," I vaguely heard Angela say from somewhere outside my stupefied state.

"Is everything okay?" Garrett asked me concerned.

I forced out a smile - at least I think I did. "Yeah. Of course."

The guys must have left because I didn't hear them anymore, but Angela's concern only grew. "So-uh, do you know that guy, or something?"

"What guy?" I asked, still unable to break my gaze.

"The one you're drooling over," she asked unexpectedly.

I shook my head. "No…I don't know him," I said slowly, unsure if I was being honest or not. The light from the fire was dancing on the man's face making shadows in odd places, and everything below his nose was hidden under a scruffy beard. His hair was shorter than I had ever seen it before, but when he turned his head to the side exposing his profile - his perfect nose and forehead line - it was hard to deny. Even still, I wasn't absolutely positive it was him until the moment he actually looked at me.

There was a loud buzzing sound suddenly running through my head as his deep eyes burrowed into mine, and it was painfully obvious that whatever connection I had felt towards him was just as intense as it ever was. I wasn't sure how or why, but Edward Masen was breathing the same air as me again, and I didn't have a doubt that his presence had the power to change everything; I only prayed I had the strength to survive it this time…