Chapter 22 – Forgiveness

In addition to meeting with my local psychologist, I also decided to put in some extra hours at the Teens in Turbulence program. The organization's director, Professor Marc Aarons, was also the head of the Department of Psychology at the university, but even more importantly, he seemed to really take the time and listen to anyone who needed some extra life guidance…

"Look, Ms. Swan, I'm not just here to help the high school kids; it's incredibly important to me that my students get the mental and emotional help that they need as well. So I want you to know that any time you need someone to talk to, day or night, I'm here," he had told me one day while placing his hand tenderly on my shoulder.

In a way, he reminded me of my dad; he created a warm aura around him that just made me feel really comfortable. It wasn't just a job to him, he truly cared and I was beyond grateful to have him as another source of sanity in my insane life.

Since Edward had appeared in my universe again, I needed all the mental help I could get, so I set up an appointment with Professor Aarons' assistant to meet him after lunch that Saturday afternoon. I was surprised she scheduled me for a weekend, but I supposed with his busy schedule I should just be thankful he could see me at all.

But since it was a weekend, his assistant had the day off so she instructed me to just go on in and wait for him inside his office, however when I opened that door, I found him already there… and he wasn't alone.

"Shit!" he hissed when he saw me.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," I said in a rush as I immediately tried to retreat. Professor Aarons was standing between the legs of a blonde cheerleader, and they looked about three seconds away from getting a whole lot more unclothed.

I was absolutely flabbergasted. It may have been a naive assumption, but I never thought he was the type of man to mess around with a student. It was none of my business, and I honestly didn't care since he was unmarried and the girl was most likely a consenting adult, but it definitely rubbed me the wrong way.

I just wanted to get out of there, but shockingly the girl begged me to wait, and even more shockingly, she called me by my first name.

"Bella, please, just let me explain this!" she called to me desperately.

"Uh?" I said baffled. I was fairly certain that I had seen her around the Teens in Turbulence organization before, but I didn't know her name and had never talked to her so I was surprised she knew me. "This is none of my business," I said awkwardly, trying to look anywhere other than at the professor as he straightened out his pants.

"That's right, it's not, so get out!" the professor shouted at me.

"No wait," the girl said in a panic. "Bella, you can't tell Eddie about this," she added, completely flooring me.

"Hold on, Ms. Swan knows your boyfriend?" the professor asked upset. "Oh, this is just…"

"No, it's going to be fine, right Bella?" she cut him off.

"I...Uh, I can honestly say that I don't know what's going on here," I told them.

"Look, I know we've never actually met, but I do know you," the cheerleader said in a rush. "Eddie has talked about you several times…and your picture is on his cell phone, so…" Her thought seemed to trail off. "Listen, please, this is just…nothing. I really need you to just...keep this between us."

Suddenly the professors' entire demeanor changed. "Oh, calm down Tanya, there is nothing to be worried about here because nothing was going on," he said with an odd, almost dark, forced casualness, before he turned to me. "We were just…talking, just as I'm sure you must have come here for."

I actually took a step back from the unexpected intensity of his glare. "Y-Your assistant said to just c-c-come in here," I stuttered nervously.

"That's ridiculous, I never hold meetings on Saturdays," he said strongly. "Ms. Swan, are you having a mental breakdown again?" he asked, taking me aback. "Because it would make sense that you would confuse what my assistant said, and then come here and mistake what you saw happening."

"Um…" My nerves abruptly disappeared, and I became defensive. "I didn't say that I saw anything. And your assistant did tell me to come," I said confidently. I had no idea what the hell he was trying to pull with his ridiculous intimidation ploy, but I wasn't going to fall for it.

"That just doesn't make sense," he said in an offensive belittling tone. "She would never do that, and no one even knew I was going to have this…counseling meeting here today with Ms. Eleazar. I think perhaps you should speak to your therapist about changing your medication. It's obvious that you're confused, sweetheart, and I'm starting to become a little concerned."

He was right about one thing, I was confused, but I wasn't weak enough to let him manipulate me either. I just didn't understand why he was trying to screw with me in the first place, but when I glanced over at the cheerleader, her expression only confused me that much more. She didn't look worried that she had been caught in a compromising position, she looked almost…sympathetic, or even apologetic in a way. What the hell was going on?

"None of this is my business, so I'm going to leave," I told them, wondering why the heck I was still there anyway. Professor Aarons obviously wasn't the upstanding man I thought he was, and whatever kind of mind game he was trying to play proved it. It was sad that I had trusted him and he turned out to be a jerk, but I wasn't going to let it affect me. Unlike with the other people who screwed with my mind in the past, I had no emotional connection to him and it would be easy to cut him out of my life.

"Oh, Ms. Swan!" he called after me. I probably should have just kept walking, but I paused. "You will keep this between us otherwise you may have trouble navigating through the psychology department - You were thinking about becoming a child psychologist, weren't you?" he threatened me.

I didn't answer him, I just continued out the door.

I wasn't hurt emotionally, but I was pissed. I had no idea why his assistant told me to go in there at that time, but it was clear to me that it was no accident. That woman wanted me to see that, and I had no idea why.

"Bella wait!" the cheerleader called as she tried to catch up with me, but I didn't stop; I even hurried into a crowd of people to get away from her. I needed a minute to digest everything I just learned…well, maybe I needed several minutes.

From what I understood, the cheerleader -Tanya, I thought I heard her called – was not only messing around with Professor Aarons, but she was also Edward's girlfriend. I was back to feeling sick, though I wasn't exactly sure what bothered me more, the fact that Edward's girlfriend was physically perfect, or the fact that she was betraying him. As screwed up as it sounded, I think they were equally as traumatic. I hated the idea of Edward getting hurt, but selfishly it hurt me knowing his actual taste in women was the exact opposite of me which only further proved that he never really cared for me in that way. I already knew that, of course, but having it thrown in my face yet again was still painful.

But even worse than the pain, now I had a difficult decision to make – Should I mind my own business and just walk away from the situation like none of it happened, or do I take a risk and go tell Edward what happened? I had no loyalties to the girl, and I hated what she was doing, but was it my place to rat her out? Was I even ready to face Edward, only to break bad news to him? Would he get defensive and hate me even more for telling him such a thing?

I wrestled with the decision for a couple hours, and no matter how much I wanted to call some back up for a second opinion, I knew it was something I had to decide on my own. I only hoped I was strong enough to think clearly and do the right thing.

In the end, I let my heart decide...

I was terrified. I wasn't ready to see him yet, but then again, I wasn't sure if I'd ever be. I was certain it was one of those types of fears that I had to push through otherwise it would control me, and I was done taking a back seat to my emotions.

Garrett had already asked around and found out where Edward lived, so I texted him for the address and then went straight there before I had a chance to freak myself out of it. He lived on campus, so it wasn't hard to find, but as I stood outside the door I had a mini panic attack…

What the hell was I doing?

The only solace I found was the fact that it was almost time for the day's big game, and since he was dating the cheerleader he was more than likely not home. I took a breath of relief, and then lightly knocked on the door.

"Well, I tried," I said to myself. But when I turned to leave, the door suddenly opened, making me jump.

My back was to the door, so I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed it was just his roommate.

"Bella?" I heard him say, and my heart took off beating so fast that it was sure to break free from my chest and never come back.

I turned slowly, and the vision of him standing there in the door way completely took my breath away.

Stay in control Bella!

"Hi," I said as strongly as possible, though it only came out as a whisper.

"Hey…Are you okay?" he asked with a level of concern I wasn't expecting.

"Um, yeah… I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have come. I just…I wanted to tell you something, but maybe it wasn't the best idea," I said anxiously.

"No, I'm glad you're here." He oddly looked down the hall behind me, as if he was worried someone was watching us or something, and then he opened his door wider. "Will you come in?"

"Uh…sure," I said nervously. I took a deep breath and then entered his room, and was surprised that there was only one bed inside. "You don't have a roommate?"

"Huh? Oh, uh, no, I was lucky this year," he said awkwardly. "Bella, listen, I need to apologize to you for what happened earlier today. I really have no idea why they involved you in that, but it won't happen again."

I furrowed my brows. "Um…I'm not sure what you mean," I said honestly.

"Tanya and Irina. I told those fucking morons to leave you alone, but well, they're morons, and I'm truly sorry."

"Wait, you know that Tanya was…"

"Messing around with Professor Aarons? Yeah. Look, I know how this looks, and given our history it's just…inexcusable, and I would have never gone along with any of it but they basically didn't give me any other choice. I mean, I guess I was the most qualified, but I still should have tried harder to figure out a way to take care of it myself."

"Hold on, take care of what?"

"She didn't tell you anything at all, did she?" he said slightly frustrated.

I shook my head no.

"God, Bella, I'm so sorry," he said, sounding legitimately upset by whatever he was sorry for.

"Yeah, you keep apologizing but you haven't said why," I told him. I was actually surprised by how well I was handling being in such a small room with him, but then again, his confusing words were probably distracting me from my own issues.

"I'm sorry," he said again, so I gave him an irritated expression. He nodded, acknowledging my irritation, and then finally began to explain. "Last year Tanya's sister Kate was involved with Professor Aarons. He basically messed with her to the point that she…ended up dropping out of school," he said carefully. "And she wasn't the only one. We know of at least four other girls that he did this to, so Tanya and her girlfriend Irina decided to do something about it."

"Wait, 'Tanya and her girlfriend Irina'?" I asked confused.

"Yeah, they're lesbians," he said straight faced.

"Irina, the professor's assistant," I said slowly, trying to process that bit of information. "But, you and Tanya…"

"No, it's just for show. You see, Professor Aarons usually goes after girls with boyfriends…or girls struggling with emotional issues," he said slowly. "The boyfriend thing is to have something to hold over the girls' head, a way to control them and threaten them to keep quiet about the affair, or whatever."

"She…she was worried that I was going to tell you?" I said absently.

"It must have just been for show. I really have no idea why they decided to drag you in at this point, but when she called me and told me what happened I chewed her ass out. I'm really sorry."

I was quiet for a minute as I thought about everything, but I had questions that I wanted answered. "But…why do any of this? She's an adult, so how will them having an "affair" bring him down; it's not illegal?"

"Not illegal, but against the rules of the university. Plus, Marc Aarons is the kind of bastard that enjoys messing with the girl's minds. He likes controlling them, and eventually breaking him. He's a psychotic fuck, and once he's exposed the Dean will surely kill his career."

"So…what does this have to do with me?"

He sighed. "Tanya got me involved because…she said that the professor was going to go after you next."

"Me?" I asked horrified. "Why?"

"Because you must have told him what you've been through, and he must be attracted to you so he figured he could make you do what he wanted. Look, Tanya could be lying about him wanting you just so I'd help her, but either way, that bastard needs to be taken down before he can hurt anyone else."

"So…what have you been doing?"

"I haven't really done much. Tanya has been doing everything; I just have to go places with her so people believe we're together. She doesn't have a history of mental or emotional issues, so she needed a boyfriend to convince him to take her bait."

I bit my bottom lip. "I don't understand why he hasn't been fired already if Tanya can prove what he's been doing."

"She can't. As of now they haven't done anything more than kissing, and it would just be her word against his. He'd probably just say that she was making it up to get back at him for giving her a bad grade or something."

"Why didn't her sister come forward? And why would he mess around with her if he had already messed with her sister?"

"They're only half-sisters; different last names. Kate had mental problems, nobody believed she was telling the truth and none of the other girls would report him because of the threats he told them. Bella, I'm really sorry about all of this. It's like senior year all over again, and I never wanted you to be involved in any of it."

"Why didn't you come talk to me sooner?" I asked before I had a chance to chicken out of the question. "You must have known I was here before I knew you were if you were helping Tanya for my sake. Why didn't you say anything?"

He stared at me somberly for a minute, and then looked down at his feet. "Bella…I know that I hurt you…I know it was my fault you…got sick. I must have written to you a thousand times while you were in the hospital, but…I never sent any of them. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you even more than I already had. I thought…I thought it would be best to just…leave you alone."

I swallowed roughly. "I thought you went to Alaska?"

He shrugged. "I did…for a short time…and I go back for holidays and such, but…"

"But what?" I pressed.

"It was just too far away," he mumbled.

My heart jumped. "You didn't know I was going to be here," I whispered.

"No…You could have ended up anywhere, but…I hoped."

"You hoped I'd be here, but when I was you hid from me?" I questioned him.

"I'm not going to even pretend to understand it, Bella."

"You said you hated me," I murmured.

He nodded. "At the time, I did."

My chest heaved. "And, when you said that you loved me it was just because I was freaking out, right?"

He stared at me for a moment again, and then shook his head. "No, I meant that more than anything."

"How can you love someone and hate them at the same time?" I asked desperately.

"How can you, of all people, not understand that?" he said taking me aback. "You hated me. You thought I killed your mother, but that didn't stop you from caring, right? I hated you for what you did, but…it didn't really matter."

He was right, I did understand that. "If I didn't…If I didn't have that breakdown, would you have ever forgiven me?" I asked hesitantly.

He thought about it for a minute, and then he looked down again before finally meeting my eyes. "Who's to say if love or hate is stronger, but I do know that both are equally as passionate. I would have never been able to…leave you alone if you weren't sick. If I didn't know that my actions were hurting you like that, if you would have given it back to me just as viciously, there's no telling how far it would have gone. I know that sounds fucked up, but it's the most honest answer I could give you right now."

I nodded. "Do you still hate me, Edward?"

His eyes welled up. "No…of course not, but that doesn't mean that you should forgive me for it either. The truth is, I'm not like you Bella, I didn't get lost in everything…I knew exactly what I was doing, it's just who I am. I mean, look at me; I'm doing the same shit again. Hate and revenge - it's all I know how to do. Since I was a kid, since I first went into my first foster home, all I did was hide away and spend my life finding reasons to hate people. I don't trust anyone, my mother leaving the way she did cemented that trait in me, and maybe that's why I've spent my life being so angry. The one person I ever loved abandoned me, and then it was all shit until I moved to Forks and I met you, and in the beginning…I didn't hate you, which only made me hate you even more when I figured out the truth. You were just like her – I cared about you, and you…you screwed me over."

A tear spilled over his cheek, which in turn made me start crying. I hated that we had hurt each other so intensely, but the saddest part of the whole thing was that he honestly didn't think he was just as lost as I was; it was clear to me that he had been lost for a very, very long time.

"Maybe…maybe it's time to just…stop," I said while wiping the moisture from my face. "Just stop running. Maybe if we face it head on, we'll find what we need to finally make it all better."

"And how do we do that?" he asked hopelessly. "It's a fucking cycle, it will never get better."

"I believe that it will. I've gotten better…and you can too. You just need someone to keep you grounded. To fight back when you push them away."

He smiled sadly and then shook his head. "The Cullens have done that for me, but it didn't make a difference. I'm still here…I'm still just as fucking pathetic."

"But maybe you are better without even realizing it. You said you don't forgive, but look, here we are. You have someone you have hated standing in front of you, and we're talking and you're being honest with everything…That's definitely something."

He took a deep breath. "Yeah well, maybe I do love you more than I ever hated you."

I shrugged. "Maybe."

He shook his head. "It's not maybe, I did love you more, and I always will. I just wish it were enough."

"It's not?" I questioned him, unsure what he meant by that.

"How could it be?" he whispered. "We can't forget any of it happened. I can't take it back. I will always be that guy that fucked with your mind and sent you to a mental hospital."

"And I'll always be that girl that befriended you just to fuck you over," I added.

"See? It doesn't really matter how we felt or feel, there's no recovering from that."

"No," I agreed. "But maybe we can start over," I said, surprising both of us.

He smiled subtly. "Maybe we can run into each other sometime…Meet again."

I bit my bottom lip. "I have decided to start dating again…Of course, I refuse to date anyone, even casually, who has a girlfriend," I said playfully.

He nodded understandingly. "I guess I need to take care of that before I can start something new."

"I think that would be best."

He sighed. "Do you think I'd ever really have a shot with you?" he asked, sounding almost bittersweet in a way. "I mean, that Garrett is actually a really cool guy."

I giggled. "Yeah, he is…But who knows what the future holds, right?"

His face fell serious as he reached out and gently caressed my cheek. "Who knows, indeed."