Chapter 23 – Familiar

I honestly didn't know if Edward would be in my future, because the truth was despite still loving him, I wasn't sure if I ever really knew him or not. How much of what we had was real, and how much was the lie? After we talked in his dorm room, I laid awake in my bed and tried to imagine my life ten years from then, but I drew a blank. There was no predicting it; I was writing a new story and I couldn't wait to see how it turned out.

Garrett was more than a little curious about my meeting with Edward, so I told him, and I realized for the first time that I actually told Garrett absolutely everything. It was the most honest relationship that I had ever had, and since I finally made my peace with Edward, perhaps I was also finally ready to try something a little more serious with Garrett as well.

"I thought you told Edward you were willing to start over with him?" Garrett questioned me when I asked if he wanted to take the next step in our relationship.

I shrugged. "I told him 'maybe'… But who knows when or if there's even anything left between us. I certainly don't want to spend my life waiting for a 'maybe'… I'm not saying I want to marry you, or anything, but…"

"But we don't have to rush into anything either," he told me gently.

"We've been dating for a while now, I really don't see how moving forward would be rushing. But if you're fine with the way things are, or you don't want more…"

"I do want more," he cut me off. "I just…I want to make sure it's what you really want and you're not trying to prove some point to him or to yourself that you're strong enough to move past him. I don't want to be used."

I nodded understandingly. "And I don't want to use you anymore. I just…You're my best friend, and I think we owe it to ourselves to see what's really there before it's too late."

He smiled. "I agree. So…what does it mean? We date exclusively for a while…Maybe move past first base?"

"First base?" I said with a giggle. "What are we, twelve? Besides, we've gone past first base."

"Uh…no," he said with certainty. "Bella, we haven't even really kissed."

"Yes, we have…haven't we?" I asked unsure.

"Nope. Just friendly little G rated pecks. If we're going to be more serious I'm going to want some tongue," he said playfully.

"Hmmm, well I think we should try that," I said with a nervous grin.

"We should definitely try that," he said before gently taking my chin between his this thumb and bent pointer finger, and then slowly pulling my face to his.

It was strange how comfortable kissing Garrett was. I suppose I thought it was going to be a little strange, but even when his tongue entered my mouth I stayed completely relaxed. It was almost a familiar feeling in an odd way, like as if we had been kissing for years instead of it being our first time. But suddenly he pulled away…

"What's wrong?" I asked after seeing the weird look on his face.

"Uh…Nothing…that was…nice," he said awkwardly.

"Yeah…great," I agreed in the same awkward tone. "So…why'd you stop?"

His face distorted in a strange way as he considered what he wanted to say to me. "Bella…You've kissed other guys before, right? I mean, you had a boyfriend for a really long time so I'm sure you kissed."

"Yeah, of course… Why?" I asked confused.

"Is that…Was that how it felt when you kissed him?" he asked unexpectedly.

"Um…When I kissed Jacob? Uh…Yeah, I guess. Garrett, I don't understand what you're trying to say. Was it bad? I mean, do you think I'm a gad kisser or something?" I asked anxiously.

"No, no, no, that's not what I mean. Physically it was fine, but….You don't have any siblings, do you?"

Still not understanding, I shook my head no.

He took a deep breath. "Well, it's just that…That kind of felt like kissing my sister…Do you know what I mean? It's just…I think maybe the chemistry between us is a little off."

"Well, how do we fix it?"

"I'm not sure we can. Is that really how all your other kisses felt in the past?" he asked carefully sympathetic.

I raised my shoulders as I thought about it. "Yeah, I guess...except…" Muddy hands flashed through my mind, and a sharp twang of desire ran through me. I pushed it away.

"Edward was different, right?" Garrett answered for me. He knew me far too well.

I nodded. "But…I was unwell. I thought…I thought it felt different because I was crazy and obsessed with him, so I...I figured it would have been like all my other kisses if I was normal and healthy."

"Maybe it would have been, but maybe not. There's nothing wrong with feeling that spark of passion, Bella, but it's how you handle the rest of your time together that counts. Maybe you just need to keep dating around until you find someone that really makes your heart race, but you can also trust and have a good time with."

I sighed. "But even when it starts like that, that doesn't mean it stays. I mean, my parents loved each other, my mom used to tell me stories about how crazy they were for each other in the beginning…It doesn't last, so maybe something calm and consistent is better. At least then there's no disappointment and no one gets hurt when the feelings change."

"Maybe…But maybe keeping that desire alive just takes work, and if both aren't willing to put in the effort then it will never survive. I honestly believe people can find passionate love and maintain that for their entire life; my parents still seem really happy after twenty five years together. Bella, I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you, but that's what I want. I want to be in love with my best friend, and you're my best friend so I thought that meant we were right for each other, but…I just don't think that's the case now."

Even though I didn't want to admit it, I knew he was right. I had convinced myself that I'd never experience the same feelings that I had with Edward again, so I planned to settle for finding just a good guy. I assumed passion was just a fabrication from delusional minds, but what if I was wrong? What if that feeling was real and normal? What if I could have it again? I still wasn't sure if reuniting with Edward would bring those emotions back to life, but if not with him, I needed to search it out and not accept a mediocre love.

I looked at Garrett and smiled. "We're not going to let this change us, right?"

He laughed. "I think this will definitely not change us, which only further proves we're all wrong for each other romantically."

I nodded and then reached my arms around him. He hugged me back and kissed the top of my head. "You're the best little sister type of friend I've ever had," he whispered playfully.

"Aww, and if I had a brother I'd want him to be just like you…Of course, if we were siblings we'd probably hate each other."

"True, my real sister is a bitch," he said which a chuckle.

Just like my talk with Edward, having that conversation with Garrett gave me a sense of relief that I didn't even know I needed. The truth was, I never really wanted to kiss Garrett, and to be honest, I never enjoyed kissing Jacob either. It was just something I thought I had to do as a girlfriend, and sex back then was even worse. Even just thinking about it made me slightly nauseous.

"Don't ever settle, Bella. You deserve to be blissfully happy, not just content," Garrett said as he pulled out of our embrace.

"Thanks… You too," I told him sincerely. Garrett deserved all the happiness in the world, and some chick was going to be seriously lucky to have him someday.

For the next couple of weeks I did my best to refocus on my education. I stayed in my psychology courses, and even continued to volunteer at the Teens in Turbulence program despite Professor Aarons' incessant glares and sour attitude whenever he spoke to me. I refused to let a jerk like him get in the way of what I wanted; I was only grateful Edward and his 'girlfriend' left me out of whatever they were trying to pull in order to take him down. I certainly didn't need that type of deception in my life again.

Occasionally I'd pass Edward on campus and we'd wave or share a brief smile, but we didn't communicate any more than that. I didn't know that Edward, and he wasn't in a position where he was ready to meet anyone new, which I understood and was actually grateful to have that time to find myself a bit more before ever hoping to reconnect with him.

I continued to date various guys casually, and even would often do the whole 'first date kiss' thing - some were more sparky than others, but I had yet to find that electric connection I was looking for, and that was okay, I was in no rush to have a real romantic relationship. My main priority was school, and I was confident everything else would come when the time was right.

Garrett and I continued our friendship as it always was. He was my shoulder to cry on, and I was his. I was lucky to have him in my life, and I was finally secure enough to believe he was lucky to have me as well.

I went to parties, hung with friends, met new people every day, and was basically having the college experience that everyone hoped for. It was pleasantly scandal free for the most part, but then one day the dean of students came into my Psychology 101 class and announced that Professor Aarons would no longer be heading up the department, or even working at the university anymore. He didn't say why, but I was pretty sure I already knew.

And a few weeks later I went to a party with Angela, and before I even stepped foot inside, I somehow knew something was going to be different about that night. Maybe it was intuition, or maybe I could actually feel the magnetic attraction from that far away, but when a familiar beautiful bronze haired man approached me, I couldn't ignore the radioactive butterflies in my chest….