Let the lulz begin in the second chapter. This also marks the first appearance of my snarking buddy, Chrom.
AN - VINCENT or watever ur name is thanx 4 the LAME reviw. u totall D*** (Chrom: I think he did a great job calling her out.) (I agree.) no one is MAKIN u reed this fic if you dont like it then leave.
Clestal zodiac and brittany j - thanx for the advice on my character but shes not a marysue, she's not "perfect" look she has anger problems and she looks the way she does 4 a reason i will explain it as the story goes on. (Chrom: And yet, her looks are Mary Sueish.) (Not even goth girls dress like that.)
Edward
The anger faded form my sapphire eyes (Chrom: Her eyes form sapphires?) (Quick, we must get the jewels to sell on the market!)
"whatevah" i said sweatily "I didnt mean to yell and to be ride" (Chrom: How does Edward make her say something sweatily?) (I don't think Edward makes girls sweat.)
"thou are too beuatiful for that" he said, and for once I didnt feel like cockdroppingthe guy for paying me a compilement, instead I just smiled. (Chrom: Edward is Shakespeare. Wonderful.) (And you don't make any sense when you say 'cockdropping.' What does that even mean?)
"I'm Ewdard Cullen" he mermered "who are thee?" (Chrom: He's a mermaid?) (Yay! Edward's a merman who speaks like Shakespeare.)
"Altatntiana Loren but you can call me Tiana or mabye Tiaa" i said feeling shy at the way he was looking at me. I had seen THAT look in so many male eyes but never quite as intense or sexy! His eyes burned like hot gold velvet in the midday sun like peonix feathers and rainbows, so gold and magical. (Chrom: Make the purple prose stop.) (I hate how she uses purple prose.)
"thou reminds me of bygone times" he said, carefully retching out a shaking hand and brushing my cheek "thy face is like an old painting, thou is exceptional" (Chrom: Edward does not talk like that.) (And he throws up his hand.)
"your not so shanky yourself but i couldn't help noticing you have a fricking GF, you ass! I saw u with her in the cafeteria!" I notched his hand hard with my long black nails. (Chrom: Gods, does she have long nails?) (Yes, since she's apparently Wolverine.)
"thee DID notice me then?" he purred with a sly grin. I was up against the wall with his face right close to me now. (Chrom: Call the police! A strange guy is raping her!) (I don't think anyone saw them out in the hallway.) He wanted to sex me I could tell, and suddenly he was kissing me! I felt like my slim legs would break in half and my heart expanded like a big balloon. I fell his hand sliding softly down my neck an underneath my top. He stoked my breasts for a few minutes and his man-carrotstanding in action and hard as a rock against my legs. (Chrom: Stroking breasts sounds weird.) (Haha. The man carrot part always makes me laugh.) And then he ripped my top and pulled it of me and doped it on the floor. We made out for 10 minutes and then he tried to take of my bra but I pushed him away suddenly thinking WTF Tiaa are you just gonna let this total stranger take your cloths off in school where anyone could see you? I'd never let a guy kiss me before or touch me and suddenly I was letting this cheating sicko with a FRICKIN GF grope me just cause he was uber hawt with sexoy hair and cold as death! I was acting like a biatch and a slut and I was suddenly very ashamed of my actions. (Chrom: You just let a guy almost rape you.) (And you didn't even call for help.)
-BASTARD! Never touch me again!" i gapsed (Chrom: Edward is out of character. He abstains from sex in the books and movies.) (I think he's been changed to suit the Mary Sue's needs.)
"If thou thinks thou can keep thou hands of me!" he answered all smug, and I couldn't believe how he made me feel so angry and so aroosed at the same time. (Chrom: You can't be angry and aroused at the same time.) (And how can you even be in love with him even though you literally just met him?) At that moment I'd never HATED anyboy more in my whole life and the worst part of it was he was SO FREAKIN HAWT I was totally creaming my pantiesand he NEW it, this was horible! I felt disguised with myself and turned to leave. (Chrom: Creaming yourself is not normal.) (Ew, you need to get yourself to a doctor, stat.)
"Wait! I need to speck to thee! I no your secret tiaa"he said in a quiet voce gassing into my eyes"your one of my kind. who made thee ?are you part of a coven or on thou own? (Chrom: She's on her own.) (What secret are you talking about?)
"what-is said sharply -dude your insane! And you freakin SMELL! (he didnt really smell but I didnt no what else to say!) (Chrom: And yet, you insulted him.) (I'm starting to think maybe she's not really a good insulter.)
"thy a CAMPIRE tia! a VAMPIRE! BUT WHY CAN'T I READ THOU MIND? I THOUGHT BELLA WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT HERE THOU ARE! WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEAN!" (Chrom: She got one part right. He's a mind reader.) (And his ability is mentioned only one time.)
He punched the wall with his buckly fist and shouted suddenly furious and his eyes flickered red. I schleppedhim hard across the face and tried to leave but he caught my wasteand as I struggled and tried to hit him again he caught my hand in mid air and hammed me against the wall where his hand had already made a huge dint in the wall. (Chrom: What does 'schlepped' mean?) (It means to haul or carry. Obviously, she got the word wrong.) His face was blunt and right heavy in mine. My knee came up hard against his massive throbbing gigglestickbetween his legs and he drubbed over in pan. I broke free and goaded my booksand started rugging away to math, but edward hand finished with me. (Chrom: I'm creeped out by the weird penis euphemisms.) (And the weirdness is only just beginning.)
"TIAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO!" he screamedafter me tearing his shrit of himself in fury and throwing it over my eyes.I lost my sight and was behind me breathing into my ears. (Chrom: I don't think 'shrit' is a word.) (It's funny because she meant shirt.)
"i'm sorry tiaa" he wimpered sadly picking me up off the floor and gazing mutely into my eyes "i didnt mean to rut thee! I'm so contemptuos! I APOLOGIZE! THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD!" (Chrom: Finally, he speaks normally after speaking like Shakespeare for no reason.) (And how does one gaze mutely?)
"YOUR so frickin weird you mean!" I snaped whitely as he lay on the floor so hawt and crying with his shirt off with his pippling body. (Chrom: How does your body pipple?) (I think she meant rippling.) I wanted to forgive him for calling me a vampire (VAMPIRE! I'd heard that one before from preppy losers asking if I sleep in a coffin and suck blood like LETSAT just cause I like eyeliner and listen to Linken Park) (Chrom: I don't know what she's talking about. Is it a douche?) (No. It's poor Lestat that got a mention. I feel sorry for the guy.) and making fun of me and trying to force me against the wall and maybe plunder my crevisesbut i didnt. I left him crying on the floor and went to find my class. As I entered math class i suddenly droped my bocks again as a flashing pain burned in my left hand as my brithmark glinted gold for a second (NO JOKE!) then I fell over. The pain was suddenly gone and some weirdo blond freak called Eric was helping me up and staring at me like a pervo rapist. (Chrom: I don't think all guys are perverted.) (Women can be perverted, too.) I kicked him in the sholder (kung fu babie!) (Chrom: How can your legs reach there?) (And how does she learn kung-fu?) as he gazed longingly after his frickin dreams. I sat down at the back of the class unable to think about anythin but my weird enconter with edward cullen, wondering what it all could mean. (Chrom: It means you're probably just some common whore.) (And I thought Bella was with Edward.)
This chapter was hilarious due to the man carrot part. Please review and tell me what you think of this snark. I just love to snark a good badfic.