The next morning Shawn found herself alone. She sat up, looking around for Rai'uk, but he was nowhere to be seen. She wondered briefly if she was offended, then shrugged. If it meant anything at all, it was probably just that he was being considerate by not waking her. She got up and went in search of Ninat and Syulang, hoping that she could find them in time to go swimming before the clan started moving for the day. It might be a bit of a crunch, but she was still feeling uncomfortably fragile after her emotional experience the night before and felt she deserved some time with her friends.
"Ninat!" she called, catching sight of the singer. "Good morning, sister. Where is Syulang?"
"Around," Ninat said vaguely. "I think she went hunting with some others. Why?"
"I wish to swim, and to talk," Shawn replied. "Will you come?"
"Do you think we have time?" Ninat asked, surprised.
"If we hurry," Shawn said eagerly. "I know where there is water. I saw yesterday with Rai'uk."
"Really," Ninat said interestedly. "Lead on, then, little sister."
Shawn and Ninat enjoyed a quick dip and some girl talk and caught up with the clan before they had gone far. If Rai'uk disapproved, he kept it to himself. Mo'at, however, chastised her gently for forgetting to report on her lesson the day before. Shawn's tail swished guiltily. While the delay had originally been Rai'uk's fault, she had meant to do it first thing in the morning. Mo'at laughed and patted her cheek and forgave her young charge completely once she found that Shawn's report was both thorough and energetic.
Shawn's immersion therapy of the cultural variety continued through the morning, though Mo'at assured her that she could go into the forest with Iley again in the afternoon. As Shawn helped Iley gather the children however, everyone's plans and progress were interrupted by the harsh sound of a chopper approaching overhead. Shawn stared along with everyone else, wondering what was going on. Two ikran riders seemed to be keeping pace with it, although they soon dove and disappeared into the trees. It didn't take long for the riders to appear.
"Peyral!" Shawn cried, and hurried over to her friend. "Why are you here? Is Neytiri with you?"
"No," Peyral replied apologetically. "She had to stay with the clan. Toruk Makto has come to see you."
"Hey, squirt," Jake said with a grin, joining them.
"Greetings, Toruk Makto," Rai'uk said, approaching quickly. "Is all well with the Omaticaya? Why do Sky People fly with you?"
"I apologize for this intrusion, brother," Jake said formally. "I have thought long before allowing them to come. They wish to speak with Sha'ni, and I do not think it right to deny them."
"Who wishes to speak with her?" Rai'uk asked, frowning.
"Norm Spellman and Joanne Teague, a toktor from the base," Jake answered, flicking a sympathetic glance at Shawn. "They are friends, and concerned. You or I would feel the same if one of our clan members disappeared with no warning and no explanation."
Rai'uk's mouth tightened but he nodded grudgingly. "I understand. Sha'ni? Do you wish to speak to these people?"
"No," she said vehemently, swallowing. How could she possibly face them?
"No?" Rai'uk repeated, surprised.
"Don't be a brat, Shawny," Jake said sternly in English. "They're your friends, and they've been worried out of their minds. Yeah, it's going to be awkward with Norm, but they need to know that you're alright. They've been buzzing my transmitter non-stop for two weeks."
"You could have told them anything they need to know," Shawn muttered.
"They deserve to hear it from you," he said firmly. "Come on, squirt."
"Come," Rai'uk agreed. "You must do this, Sha'ni."
"You are...very calm," Shawn commented in Na'vi, annoyed that he was taking Jake's side. "You have seen Norm in tsaheylu. This does not displease you?"
Rai'uk shrugged. "You are my mate."
The implication being that there's nothing Norm Spellman can do about it, Shawn thought grimly. Well, it was true. Rai'uk could afford to be gracious. Shawn followed Jake with Rai'uk and Peyral on either side of her. She was glad Rai'uk was tactful enough not to hold her hand. This was going to be awkward enough as it was. Peyral put an arm around her comfortingly and walked with her in silence.
Norm and Joanne were waiting by the chopper, surrounded by curious but wary Na'vi. Shawn noticed that Norm's avatar had healed successfully, though he seemed a little unsteady. Norm's eyes widened when he saw her and took a hesitant step forward. Shawn sighed and cast a reproachful look at her mate before stepping out to meet him. This was not a conversation she wanted to have in front of an audience. Evidently Norm felt the same.
"Um, Shawny, can we...talk privately for a few minutes?" he asked uncomfortably.
"Not really," Shawn said bluntly. "It's not appropriate...and impossible, anyway. What are you doing here, Norm?"
"You have to ask?" Norm cried. "We're here to bring you home."
Shawn blinked and stared back at him blankly. The thought had never occurred to her.
"I am home," she said. "I'm not human anymore. I don't belong there."
"Shawny, honey," Joanne said, sounding stricken. "Don't say that. You're as human as we are. Just because your human body is...gone...that doesn't change who you are."
"I'm Na'vi," she said softly. "I was called here for a reason. I have...a vocation, I guess. I'm supposed to be here."
"No, you're not," Norm insisted. "You belong with us. We're taking you home."
"Norm, it's her decision," Jake protested. "If this is what she wants..."
"She doesn't have the capacity to make that decision," Norm snapped. "She's been severely depressed for weeks, possibly even schizophrenic, and now she's been brainwashed into-"
"Excuse me?" Shawn demanded. "You think I'm schizophrenic? After all your talk about how I should listen to Eywa?"
"I didn't mean you should break into the link room and take off into semi-hostile territory in the middle of the night!" Norm said heatedly. "That kind of behavior is completely irrational and reckless—you killed your human body, Shawn. It's a miracle you're alive at all. Just come home and we'll sort everything out."
Norm grasped her arm, clearly intending to guide to the chopper, and found himself face to face with Rai'uk.
"You will not touch my mate, Normspellman," he said calmly.
"Your what?"
"His mate," Shawn said, lifting her chin defiantly and jerking her arm out of Norm's grasp. "This is Rai'uk. We're mated before Eywa."
"No," Norm breathed, looking like someone had kicked him in the gut. He quickly rallied. "It doesn't matter, Shawny. Whatever they pressured you into doing, it doesn't matter. Just come home."
"Doesn't matter?" Shawn repeated, uncomprehending.
"It's a Na'vi practice, not a human one," Norm insisted. "You don't have to stay here."
"Norm," Jake said warningly.
"Oh, back off," Joanne snapped. "From what you told us, she didn't have a choice. Well, now she does."
"Shawny, please," Norm begged. "Jake says we'll be allowed to resume our work soon. You won't be cooped up anymore—everything will go back to normal. Come home with us—with me. Please. I'm so sorry—I didn't mean what I said before, I swear. Please say you'll come."
Shawn stared, insensible of the deathly silence that had fallen over the watching crowd. Even those who did not understand English understood that something serious was happening. She considered the foreign, unsettling concept that had been presented to her: bonding as a primitive native practice that could be set aside. Or it could be considered in the more politically correct light of divorce or annulment. She glanced back at Rai'uk, whose face remained stiff and impassive, though she knew he had heard and understood every word. She saw Ninat, clutching Peyral's hand anxiously. She saw a seed of doubt take root in Jake's troubled face. With a few notable exceptions, everything the avatars said had merit...she herself had felt that she hadn't had a choice in the matter. And yet...
"Shawny," Norm pleaded, perhaps sensing her growing resolve. "I love you. Please, don't...don't do this."
"You have friends back there," Joanne urged. "You have a family."
"No," Shawn said abruptly, startling herself. "My family is here."
"Shawny..."
"I'm sorry," she said, more gently. "You've been a good friend, Joanne. I know you're worried and I appreciate your concern. But this is what I want. Norm...I'm sorry."
Shawn resolutely turned her back and went to Ninat and Peyral, who received her with open arms and meaningless but comforting noises. Shawn allowed them to usher her away, glad that she could leave it to Rai'uk and Jake to dismiss the avatars. Although a small part of her was desperately afraid at having burned the last bridge to her old life, the rest of her simply felt relief.
Ninat and Peyral took her to Mo'at, who appeared to be meditating. Shawn stood between her friends, wondering if Mo'at knew what had happened. Mo'at opened her eyes and smiled, gracefully rising to her feet. She placed a hand on each of Shawn's shoulders and squeezed gently.
"What do you feel, my child?" she asked.
"I feel many things, Tsahik," she said, eyes stinging with belated tears. "But mostly joy."
Mo'at blinked rapidly, as if fighting tears herself. "We are honored by your choice to remain, Sha'ni."
"You thought I would go?" Shawn asked, surprised.
"I could not have blamed you if you had," Mo'at sighed, then seemed to shake herself. "Peyral, you will bring our greetings to my daughter?"
"Of course, Tsahik," Peyral said. "She would have come herself, but they agreed it would be better if Zheyksuli came instead."
"I understand," Mo'at assured her.
"Tsahik...how long will you stay with the Anurai?" Peyral asked hesitantly.
"As long as Sha'ni needs me," Mo'at said simply. She smiled comfortingly at her daughter's friend. "I will visit my people as soon as the dedication ceremonies and the rites of adulthood for those who undertake them are completed. Does my daughter require my assistance?"
"No, no," Peyral hastened to assure her. "She only misses her mother."
"You will bring her my love," Mo'at said. "And tell her I will be home soon."
"I will," Peyral promised as the roar of a chopper taking off filled the air. "I think we're leaving. Zheyksuli is coming."
"I see you, Mother," Jake said, signing a greeting to Mo'at.
"I see you, my son," Mo'at replied warmly. "You did well to bring the Dreamwalkers here."
"I'm glad you think so," Jake said unhappily. "I'm beginning to have some doubts. Did you hear?"
"No, but I could guess," Mo'at said. "What other urgent matter could the Sky People have with Sha'ni?"
"The things they said, Tsahik," Ninat said mournfully, shaking her head. "I am glad you did not hear."
"They were upset," Jake protested. "Norm wasn't thinking clearly."
"He said it badly," Shawn disagreed, still upset with her former boyfriend. "But he believed all he said."
"I know, Sha'ni," Jake sighed, ears drooping. "Norm is a good man...he just..."
"His spirit is suffering," Mo'at said gently. "Do not judge too harshly, my children."
"Thank you, Mother," Jake said, smiling weakly. "We will leave you now. You still have a long way to travel."
"Eywa ngahu, ma'itan," Mo'at said, laying a hand over her son-in-law's heart. "And you, Peyral."
"Eywa ngahu, ma'Tsahik," Peyral replied. "Goodbye, sisters. Give my love to Syulang, when you see her."
"We will see you soon," Ninat said, embracing the huntress.
Shawn followed suit and the Omaticaya took their leave. Shawn sighed and rubbed her temples, feeling like the stress of the past few days was catching up with her. Ninat rubbed her back comfortingly.
"Come, child," Mo'at said. "I wish you to accompany me in the forest until we stop for the evening meal. There are many things Tsahik can use to heal both the spirit and the body. When we are done you will be able to make yourself something to calm your spirit. Ninat, will you join us?"
Mo'at's lesson and Ninat's calming presence provided a welcome distraction from anxious recollections and lingering guilt over her frigid manner with Norm. Perhaps it was for the best, but she didn't like hurting anyone that way. Shawn did her best to concentrate on her lessons and put it from her mind. After a while, entertaining guilty thoughts simply seemed like too much effort and Shawn readily gave herself over to Mo'at's instruction. The brew she prepared for herself under Mo'at's guidance helped considerably. It made her feel pleasantly drowsy and relaxed, so that she only blinked and smiled sleepily when Rai'uk joined her for the night.
"I am sorry for what happened this afternoon," he said softly, reaching out to stroke her hair. "I should not have allowed it."
"No," Shawn sighed. "It is better. Now I know I belong...this time, I choose. I choose to be Na'vi, to be Tsahik. To be with you."
"I'm glad," Rai'uk murmured and took her hand.
"Me too," Shawn said, still faintly surprised by this fact.
Shawn woke the next morning feeling refreshed both mentally and physically. She stretched and looked around, unsurprised to find herself alone again. It seemed that Rai'uk was an early riser. She got up and went to find Mo'at, ready to begin the routine that governed her days for the rest of the journey, which turned out to be blessedly uneventful. The most dramatic events—at least for Shawn—proved to be Syulang's intense disappointment over missing the encounter with the avatars and Ninat's eventual eruption in response to Syulang's continual teasing over Ateyo.
When they finally came within sight of their Kelutral, a ripple of excitement passed through the string of pilgrims. It was magnificent, Shawn thought, completely awestruck. She had only seen the massive trees in holographs; the reality was overwhelming. The scope was impossible to capture through digital images. It was bigger than anything Shawn could have imagined. With the huge waterfalls bursting out of the mountains in the distance as a backdrop, the sight was simply breathtaking.
"What do you think?" Rai'uk asked, coming to stand beside her. He crossed his arms and gazed proudly at the kelutral.
"I think we are home," Shawn replied, smiling happily.
"Good, because I have a homecoming gift for you," Rai'uk said, and held out a necklace of braided fibers woven around a shiny, iridescent rock.
Shawn took the necklace, turning over in her hands with murmurs of surprised appreciation. She fastened it around her neck and smiled up at her mate. He eyed the necklace with a pleased expression and seemed gratified by her obvious delight.
"Thank you," she said sincerely. "It is beautiful. You made this?"
"I did," he confirmed, touching the stone where it settled just below the hollow of her throat.
"I am proud to wear it," she said, reaching out shyly.
Rai'uk took her hand and pressed it briefly against his cheek, smiling. Shawn's breath hitched and she looked down so he wouldn't see her freckles shine. Without releasing her hand, Rai'uk continued on toward the kelutral with a spring in his step. Everyone's pace seemed to acquire a little bounce as they came closer and closer to home. Shawn thought with a jolt of nervousness that real life was about to begin. She wondered what her training and day-to-day activities would be like once everyone was settled in.
That evening, Shawn was surprised when Rai'uk called a halt. They were close enough that they could make it to the kelutral if they made a late night of it. Perhaps he wanted to get there the next morning so people would be able to start settling themselves? But no, there was Mo'at, approaching her with a preemptively soothing expression on her face. Which, of course, caused Shawn to become instantly wary.
"Why do we stop, Mo'at?" Shawn asked, trying to keep her voice neutral.
"Because you must be able to perform the dedication ceremony when we reach our new home," Mo'at said. "For that, you must be formally accepted by the people and take your place as Tsahik. For that, you must undergo Uniltaron."
"Oh," Shawn said, having nothing better to say.
"Come," Mo'at said. "We will meditate until it is time. Your sisters of the tsmuke'awsiteng will catch the kali'weya. When did you last eat?"
"Hours ago," Shawn replied somewhat plaintively, hoping she could use a meal to delay the inevitable.
"Good," Mo'at said briskly, and Shawn's face fell. "A full belly inhibits the trance and will make you sick. Come with me."
Shawn followed her teacher reluctantly into the forest and obeyed when Mo'at motioned for her to sit. Mo'at spent some time positioning Shawn's limbs and correcting her posture until she was satisfied. She guided Shawn in several breathing exercises and went on in a gentle voice, telling her to open her mind and her senses to the forest around her. Soon, the sense of time passing seemed to disappear completely and Shawn merely drifted, much like she had done in the darkness within the Tree of Souls.
When Mo'at gently touched her shoulder, Shawn was shocked to see that full night had fallen. She could see the bright form of Polyphemus overhead through the trees. The forest around her was lit up like Christmas. Suddenly a long-buried memory surfaced, showing her an artificial Christmas tree sparkling with tiny lights and hung with home-made ornaments. She saw her mother's face more clearly than she had in years. She remembered the feel of her father's large, rough hand clasped around her small one.
"You have begun to purify your mind," Mo'at told her, noticing Shawn's startled twitch. "It often shakes memories loose... let it happen. "
"Mm," Shawn replied, feeling oddly detached.
She followed Mo'at back to camp, where the clan was gathered around a single fire. Everyone was seated calmly and silently. Solemn faces fixed on hers as she followed Mo'at through the crowd. Rai'uk, Ninat, and Syulang were waiting for her at the center. Ninat held a small jar. Shawn quickly looked away, trying to hold on to the calm, detached feeling brought on by several hours of mediation. Rai'uk guided her to a place near the fire and pressed on her shoulders, indicating that she was to sit. Shawn obeyed, and was relieved when he knelt as well and kept his hands on her shoulders.
"O, People," Mo'at said in a voice just loud enough to carry. "We have all faced great sorrow. All of you here this night have left your clans and your loved ones, or have neither clans nor loved ones any longer. You have come to join together in your pain to create a new clan and form new bonds of love. Tonight, the flight of refugees ends and the rebirth of the Anurai clan begins.
It begins with the birth of your Tsahik. All of you are here because you recognize the great gift you have been given—the beginning of peace. Sha'ni, the Dreamer, has answered Eywa's call and tied her fate to ours. Because of this Dreamer, we will know peace with the Sky People. Tonight, we welcome her as one of our own."
Mo'at nodded to Ninat, and before Shawn could open her mouth to ask what, exactly, was supposed to happen, Ninat deftly plucked the arachnoid out of the jar and tossed it to Shawn. Shawn instinctively reached out to catch it, realizing much too late what was going to happen. The arachnoid's stinger plunged into her wrist, sending venom shooting through her veins. Shawn gasped, stunned at how quickly the poison went to work. Her head spun and her stomach lurched. Shawn heaved, but she had nothing in her stomach to bring up. Dimly she was aware of Rai'uk rubbing her shoulders as she began to hyperventilate.
"Be calm, my child," Mo'at said soothingly. "Remember your breathing. Breathe deeply...and hold...and release. Yes, that is the way, Sha'ni..."
Shawn followed Mo'at's instructions with difficulty, trying to relax and let it happen. The drumming and singing, which Shawn was fairly certain was supposed to ease—or at least, aid—the process, merely made her head and stomach throb in time. It felt an awful lot like dying to a mind scrambled by toxins. As darkness began to creep along the edges of her vision, it abruptly occurred to Shawn that, no matter how much she freaked out, it (something, anyway) was going to happen. She could keep fighting and prolong an intensely uncomfortable experience, or she could just...let go.
With a relieved sigh, Shawn stopped fighting. As soon as she did, the most extraordinary thing happened. She felt completely fine—stone cold sober. She sat up and looked at Mo'at anxiously, wondering if something had gone wrong, but she couldn't seem to catch her teacher's eye. Mo'at was staring intently at something behind Shawn. Shawn turned to see what Mo'at was looking at and yelped. It was her own body, lying prone on the ground. Syulang and Ninat each held one of her hands. Rai'uk sat near her head, looking determinedly unconcerned.
"What now?" Shawn wondered aloud, fairly sure that no one could hear her. "How am I supposed to hunt for something when I don't know what I'm hunting for? And when I don't know the first thing about hunting, anyway?"
Shawn loitered a while longer, amusing herself by passing her hand through her mate's head and hoping some flash of inspiration would strike. When even that ceased to entertain her, she sighed in frustration and shrugged. She might as well enjoy herself while she waited. She would explore the maze of rivers that surrounded the kelutral, something she had been itching to do for the past two days. With the pleasantly sneaky feeling that comes from an act for which one seeks forgiveness rather than permission, Shawn gleefully scampered into the forest.
At the first opportunity, Shawn eagerly immersed herself in the water and set off, swimming downstream. She dove to the bottom and wove her way among the glowing plants, noting unfamiliar flora and fauna with eager interest. It had always struck Shawn as ironic that, while Pandora's forests crawled with deadly creatures and a few very unpleasant characters lurked in the murky lowland lakes, Pandora's rivers were completely devoid of dangerous predators.
On Pandora, the charm of running water wasn't an old wives' tale. It truly was the safest place to be, if you knew how to swim well. Surprisingly, not many Na'vi did; especially not the old or the very traditional. This was due to some—Shawn thought—very silly superstitions about running water carrying a person's spirit away from the body. Shawn reflected that hers must be a very liberal and progressive clan, to accept a tawtute Tsahik and choose to live surrounded by running water.
Shawn let the current carry her for some time, until an odd looking creature on the bank caught her eye. It popped out from between the roots of a tree and slipped easily into the water. Shawn paddled over to take a closer look, and was pleased to find that the animal seemed to be just as curious about her. It circled her underneath the water, cocking its head quizzically and poking her with its beak-like snout. Shawn inspected it in turn, noting the long, sinuous body and six short limbs equipped with webbed feet that were rather like a duck's, but more compact. It reminded her of an otter, or perhaps a muskrat.
Shawn followed the little animal as it zoomed away to find its dinner and was surprised to find that she could keep up. It was only when she snapped up a small fish herself that she realized that her form had changed to mirror that of the river-cat. Delighted with this development, she raced after her companion and gave a lithe little twirl, reveling in her new-found agility and grace. If only she could hold onto this form, so perfectly suited to her favorite environment!
Much too soon for Shawn's liking, she began to feel curiously faint. She could feel the nausea lapping at her consciousness like little wavelets. She focused on some particularly interesting weeds, hoping that the feeling would go away if she ignored it. But, she reflected sourly, when had that tactic ever worked for her? Na'vi once more, she draped herself over a protruding rock and tried to execute the breathing exercises that Mo'at had taught her. As before, they helped...very slightly. This time, Shawn did not even attempt to resist and gave herself over to the unpleasant sensations until darkness overtook her.
Shawn moaned and opened her eyes, taking deep breaths through her nose. Someone gently lifted her head and dripped some watered nectar onto her lips. Her tongue flicked out weakly but eagerly, searching for more when the drops were gone. Someone—Rai'uk-chuckled and sprinkled more into her mouth. When she had recovered somewhat, he helped her to a sitting position. Shawn leaned against him, grateful for the support, and looked around. Many faces beamed back at her, but just as many (if not more) were propped against each other or spread out on the ground, fast asleep.
"How long...?"
"Many hours," Rai'uk told her. "It's halfway to dawn."
"Oh," Shawn said, feeling vaguely guilty at having taken so long.
"This is normal," Rai'uk assured her, seeming to read her mind as he often did.
"Mm," Shawn grunted agreeably, and asked hopefully, "We can sleep now?"
"Not yet," Rai'uk said with a wry smile. "Now we will formally recognize you as one of the People and I will welcome you to the Anurai clan. This is very special, my Sha'ni. It has been a clan of one for too long."
"We are not all Anurai?" Shawn asked, confused.
"Not yet," Rai'uk said. "When we reach Hometree, you will perform a ceremony to bind us all together as one clan. Then we will all be Anurai."
"Oh," Shawn said, trying to sound enthusiastic. She was definitely not looking forward to her first official act as Tsahik, and this made her feel ashamed and even more unworthy than usual.
"Come," Rai'uk said, helping her to her feet. "Refresh yourself while I let Mo'at know that you have completed your journey safely."
Shawn nodded and made her way towards the nearest stream, where she splashed some water on her face. It helped, but only slightly. By the time she returned to Rai'uk's side, she was just as wiped out as she had been when she woke up. Mo'at smiled brilliantly and Shawn perked up, wondering what she had done to warrant such a reception.
"Welcome, sister," Mo'at said, and Shawn realized that this was the first time she had been so addressed by the elder Tsahik. "What did you find on your hunt?"
"A...I do not know its name," Shawn replied, trying to concentrate. "Small, like so...it lives in the river and had a mouth like this."
Shawn did her best to illustrate with her hands and was gratified by Mo'at's nod of understanding.
"This is unusual, but fitting, I think," Mo'at said. "The yom'payoang is a special creature. During the day it sends its spirit out on the river's current while its body lies safe in its den. No, I am not surprised."
"Rai'uk, what is your spirit animal?" Shawn asked, sleepy but curious.
"The palulukan," Rai'uk said with a wry smile. "Predictably."
"And you, Tsahik?"
"The ikranay," Mo'at replied. "Sha'ni, your spirit animal is not something to be shared with everyone. Knowledge of a person's spirit animal is a powerful charm and can be used against you."
"Then why did you tell me?" Shawn asked stupidly, and Mo'at laughed.
"Because I trust you, silly child," Mo'at said fondly. "Come now, we have one more task before you sleep."
The formal acceptance ceremony passed for the most part in a blur for Shawn. Syulang and Ninat painted swirling patterns on her body while she slipped in an out of sleep. At their urging, she took her place beside Rai'uk. She was dimly aware of Tsahik and Rai'uk making speeches of some kind and several pairs of hands touching her back and shoulders, but she felt and remembered most clearly Rai'uk's warm palm over her heart. Although Shawn was moved nearly to tears by the People's wordless promise of support and shelter, a small part of her just wanted everyone to go away so she could sleep. Eventually, after much singing and back-slapping, her small, selfish wish was granted and everyone wandered off to rest for a few hours before they made the final trek to Kelutral.
With a sigh, Shawn followed Rai'uk into the forest, although she would gladly have dropped where she stood. She lay beside him on a bed of moss and rubbed her face into the soft fibers, relieved beyond reckoning to be on the brink of sleep at last. Her last thought before sleep claimed her was of Rai'uk's hand on her heart and how nice it would be to feel it there again. Shawn tried to gather her wits, but slipped away before she could frame a request.