Coming home – Chapter 8
Author's Note: Of course, I don't own anything related to Margaret Mitchell's GWTW.
This will be my eighth chapter.
I hoped you liked the last chapter. This chapter will probably be mostly about Rhetts side of the "story". I must apologize for not updating, but due to health problems and and a lot of work lately I didn't find the time but I haven't forgotten. I hope that you, my dear readers, are still here.
PS: Let me know what you guys think about this chapter and as always, enjoy!
„We will see, we will see" were her last words. Rhett could sense that she was still deep in thought about something.
„I've always known that your faith in God is not the strongest, but this time maybe you should pray for us to get better ... Only if you want to, I mean," he added softly.
„You know Rhett.., sometimes I believe that Careen did the right thing and then I wonder if I could have sacrificed so much – to God. I've known my little sis' since was a tiny baby and yet she seemed to be the most determined of the three of us. Living in a convent, never ever marry.. No, I couldn't.."
„Yes not many people are made for that but do you think Careen is content now?"
„To be honest, I don't know but I hope so, I do! She's been devastated after her Brent died. She always let us know that he proposed to her when he had been granted a furlough all these years ago. Nobody knew then. As you know he was also my beau and somehow it also made me jealous in a childish way. She would have been happy with him I guess, but we'll never know now."
Rhett wanted to change the subject, knowing that Scarlett usually hated to talk about the war days. Somehow a memory came back, a memory he was perfectly able to push out of his mind most of the time. Every once in a while, when people talked about the war years this memory came back: The day at Rough and Ready when Atlanta fell. Rhett still wanted to hurt himself for leaving her behind this day.
„Remember my faith in God was non-existent most of my life. Mostly I hated God because he took everything away that was precious to me. My old life, you know before the buggy thing, my.. my wife- you and also almost our baby."
„God took me away? Don't be silly, Rhett."
„I think I'm not. When we married I had the feeling God welcomed me back. For once everything in the world was perfect and I was so happy and full of joy at this day. You haven't noticed, have you?"
She shook her head. No, she hadn't been aware.
„I really believed there was such a thing like God out there. Best of all, you gave me Bonnie. When I was young and someone would have told me that I could love another human – a child – that much.., I think I would've laughed and called the person stupid. But now.."
„Since when have you been so sentimental?"
„Always! I just wanted nobody to know." Maybe my own mother doesn't really know me, he thought bitterly.
„So you finally admit now that you always put a mask over your true feelings. But why?"
„Can't you think of a reason, Scarlett?"
„Oh yes, I can! Arrogant and very selfish Mister Rhett Butler didn't want anyone to know that he has true feelings too.. You tried to fool them all, including me. Although I remember times when I was sure you just tried to hide your true feelings from me and the rest of the world."
„When was that?"
„First of all, probably on our wedding day", she turned to look him in the eye, „let me think.. Oh yeah I know. I am sure you don't like to remember either but recall the day at Rough and Ready. You know I haven't forgotten. You?"
„How could I? That's funny.., becau.."
„Rhett, I don't see anything funny about it. You have left three women alone of which one almost died if it hadn't been for Tara as our safe harbor.."
„Scarlett, I see you haven't forgiven me yet. And as for the „funny" part. I didn't mean it that way but you know a few minutes ago I was just thinking about that day and if you could have probably forgiven me my cowardly action. But as I see now you haven't and I can't even blame you."
„Rhett, first I thought you were a coward. I remember that you told me there and then that you had a faible for lost causes and you wanted to make me believe that this was your real reason for leaving. I don't think your plan worked very well. You can fool everyone, but not an O'Hara, never forget that."
„I went away because… I don't know. But surely I was truly afraid.."
„But of what?"
„Three women who were extremely anxious.. what should we have done to you? The Yankees couldn't have scared you either. Otherwise you wouldn't have decided to be a „last-minute-fighter".
„I think I was afraid of myself. I was afraid of.. "
She leaned closer, waiting for a response.
„You", he said tonless.
„Me? Why me of all things?" She almost started to laugh but it wasn't a happy one.
„Can't you think the real reason?"
„For God's sake, Rhett, speak to me and don't ask me any riddles right now!"
„Scarlett, as I said, you were the reason.. , probably because you had some power over me. You probably think now that I mean you ratteling your earrings or fluttering with your beautiful lashes. That was only the beginning. You already had a greater power over me, you know. If I hadn't left you that day, I never could have."
„Is that supposed to be an apology?"
„ I see, he smirked, it is only a pitiful attempt of mine. But seriouly Scarlett.., you had a greater power over me that time than anyone ever will."
„Did you love me then?" This question came, like often, out of the blue. If I begin to talk with her about apologies or things of the past, love is always involved, Rhett thought. Yes you fool, because you loved her then.
„Oh yes, Scarlett, I did."
„That changes a lot..", she said extremely quiet.
„What, my dear?"
„Nothing, nothing."
„Scarlett, I loved you so much that sometimes I imagined you as my wife, and I desired you so much that I could have easily taken you in the street behind a tree or something. If I hadn't left, I would have forced you to be mine that day. Not very gentlemanly, but I never pretended..."
Her eyes turned wide at the declaration of lust and that he wanted to take her as his own..
„So, THAT's the reason you left? You were afraid that your temper.." She couldn't speak those words out loud. „You ran away because of love?"
„That is probably the easiest way to explain, Scarlett."
„And if you loved me so much then, did you at least think of me when you were gone?"
„Almost everytime, really. I dreamed of you, I wanted you to be near me, wanted you to think of me as much as I did, though I was sure you didn't think of me a great deal, did you?"
„Yes and no. We said we want to be honest with each other. I thought sometimes of you, mostly bitter because you left us and without Tara, we would have starved ourselves to death because the Yankees had taken so much. Everyone at Tara avoided to say your name in front of me, you know. If you'd only stayed with me.., us.."
„You know that I often thought of this.., what if would've been like. What you would've told your Pa and Mammy and the others."
„Oh easy. I would have introduced you as my husband. Isn't that smart?" A little bit of a grin returned to her face which looked still a great deal paler than usual.
„Indeed.."
„And if you would have come to me to Tara?", she said. „Old Frank wasn't fighting too but he did something for all of us and nobody blamed him. Once, we haven't had any real visitors, except for the Yankee, you know, he and his men came by on their horses. Their job was to look for something to eat. You could have easily accompanied them and nobody would've believed you were doing nothing for our great cause. Then you could have come to me. As much as I dislike Suellen, I was sort of happy for her when Frank came. They both were very. And if you would've been there, you would have seen how much we needed food, clothes.. I would have never lied to you in jail if you could have seen everything with your own eyes, as it was."
„That's a great theory but Scarlett, deserting is for cowards. Men who called themselves gentlemen before the war and then deserted could never ever name themselves gentlemen again. That has to do something with honor."
„Honor, honor.."
„It does remind you of SOMEONE, doesn't it, my dear?"
„Oh yes and you certainly know who. But since you don't want me to talk about him, I won't. I promise."
„Yes yes, but I will. I have never understood why this man occupied such a great place in your heart and seemed to stand above everything – I felt even about your own daughter – nevermind.., in this case, your Mr. Wilkes, oh excuse me, your Ashley was right. Desertion is only for people who have no pride for their fatherland, who are cowards and fools. As much as I like to say I don't give a damn about reputation, that is something which will be always excluded from that, get it?"
„I'm beginning to understand." She realised that his voice always took on a bitter tone when talking about Ashley. She decided not to comment it.
„Fine. Now my dear, as much as I like this conversation with you, I'd very much like to eat something. If you would just let me go for five seconds, I could order something for you and me. I don't even know what time it is."
„Move the curtains to the side, et voilà!"
„Oui, Madame." He winked at her like a ten-year-old school boy.
„It seems it's between night and day."
„Mr. Butler, what a well-educated man you are. I think I would've never found out without you."
„Hahaha, the old Scarlett again? Alright, if that's the way you like it.." First she thought he was angry but after looking at his face he seemed rather amused like at the beginning of heir marriage. Normally, she would have been furious by now, because of him mocking her, but right now she knew better.
„Oui, comme il me plaît, non?"
„Sûrement, Madame Butler." He even managed to speak in a french accent which made the whole thing even funnier. She started to giggle and then the „ice" seemed to be broken.
He started to laugh too. It was a very happy and very rare laugh of him she witnessed in this moment. He chortled and snorted like a little boy telling some silly jokes to his friends.
THAT was the Rhett, the husband, the man that she wanted to have forever.
Suddenly, her belly made a weird sound. She was definetely hungry and so was the baby, she thought.
When Rhett looked at her, as she was rubbing her belly, he had a very knowing smile on his face.
„I'll tell them to make it a double for you today."
„Alright!"