Emotional Escape

by Castlefan6

Authors Note AU; The beginning is loosely based on 47 Seconds, BUT Rick never Said I LOVE YOU when Kate was shot. He was serious with someone else at that time AND was never married to GINA. NOTE! Character Death early on, not to impact the storyline.

Dates have been adjusted to make this story possible.

Taking Literary License to fill in the blanks.

I don't own Castle; I only use the characters for amusement, except the ones I create. This one is for Charlie.

Also, we take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

Chapter 12

Staccato's Restaurant

45 Minutes Later

The limo pulled up to a private entrance to a small Italian restaurant about 20 miles from the loft, and the driver escorted both Kate and Roz into a private backroom. Neither lady saw anyone at first until their eyes grew accustomed to the dark, having just left the bright sunshine, then they saw a table with Rick sitting with his back to them.

They walked over and Roz was the first to say anything, "Oh Rick, poor baby, I'm so sorry, what can I do to help?" she said, a tear falling from her eye, Rick stood and embraced her, for a long time, until he said, you're doing it now Roz, thanks for coming".

Kate had hung back in silence, allowing Roz to have her moment, then when she stepped aside, she stepped in and went to shake his hand, he pulled her into a loose friend hug, nothing like the hug that Roz had received, but it was still a hug. "Whatever you need Rick, you know that everyone at the 12th adored your Mother, so what can we do?" she asked, finally stepping back, he had released the hug many moments earlier.

"Well mother was specific, she wanted your team Beckett, along with and I'm sorry Roz, this is just a quote from her, get that big boobed cop's team to help Richard, Roz started to cry.

"She always called me that when she couldn't remember my name, we both knew she loved me, and I loved her as well. I mean not too many ladies would do what she did for my niece. I asked her to get an audition for her, she got her the lead in an off-Broadway play. She smiled,

"She started her acting school, and many of her first clients were friends and referrals from your niece, she also said you were there to pick the young lady up quite often," Rick said softly,

"Yes, when I was off, I would pick Mandy up, she's about the closest thing I'll ever come to having kids, and Martha would take us out to eat. She knew the spots, and they knew her, we had some great times and she loved to laugh." Roz said softly,

"That she did, she let you know where you stood, and stuck her nose where it didn't belong often, but to her, I never grew up. I was still her little boy who needed protection from the bullies in school as I did when I was 8 or 9. Mother wasn't perfect, but I knew, and Alexis and Nikki know they were loved." He said looking away in the distance,

"Rick, Mayor Weldon said you wanted Roz and my team to form the honor guard, have you worked out the details of when you'll need us Kate asked, as Rick looked up at the two ladies,

"Oh my gosh, where are my manners, please sit, we'll discuss it over lunch. This was one of Mother's favorite spots," he said sadly as Roz was quick to slide in next to him, leaving Kate the seat across from him.

They ordered, ate, and Rick explained that he was still finalizing the details but the funeral would be in three days, allowing the public time to pay their respects on day two, and the family would stay away. It was Bob's idea for the honor guard to stand outside the funeral home, as the visitation proceeded to keep things orderly. The third day would be a private mass at St. John's and then only the immediate family would be escorted to the final resting place, where the family mausoleum was located.

The plans were pretty straightforward, and didn't require a meeting, but provided her a chance to see him in person for the first time in over a year. They finished up lunch and then Rick motioned for the waiter to bring over carryout lunches for both Beckett and Roz's team, still as thoughtful as ever.

"Visitation will be tomorrow evening for family only, that includes you as well Roz, Beckett, and then the public visitation where we will need you there to keep the souvenir hunters away, sad to say but even in death they still want something. The limos will pick you up on Thursday at 10:00 AM, service starts at 11:00, and once the casket is loaded into the Hearst, your duties are complete. The family will accompany Mother to her resting place, any questions?" he asked,

"None Rick, other than are you sure you don't need anything? How are the girls holding up?" Kate asked,

"Well, once Nikki showed Alexis the type of life her Grams had been living, Lucia was her live-in nurse and facetimed with Nikki every day, she accepted that the Grams she remembered had been gone for a long time. I didn't know that Nikki was doing it, but it was Lucia's idea to let me and Alexis see some of the declines in her health, memory, and even simple tasks, it was her time, definitely her time. The realization that she was here, physically, but that was all that was left of her made it easier,"

"Lucia is staying on, she's devoted her life to helping others through this tough time, and I want her to be part of the Martha Rogers Foundation we are forming to honor Mother, by providing resources and aid to those less fortunate than we who are facing the same battle."

"Rick, I always say this, and it never seems right, but when you're ready I would like to have a private conversation with you," Kate said, then blushed,

"I know Beckett, I didn't forget from our last talk. I have to see a new doctor starting next week, a Doctor Melendez, and perhaps when"

"Did you say, Dr. Melendez Rick? Kate interrupted

"Yes, she came highly recommended by my therapist in Denver, do you know her?" Rick asked,

"Being totally honest, I am completing almost a full year of her therapy. Next week is my last session in fact, but I still see Dr. Burke, Dr. M was for an underlying root cause for many of my issues, she's good, no-nonsense but she's really good." Kate said openly and honestly,

"What's got into you, Beckett? I can remember a time when a question like that would have gotten a smart remark about your private life being private" Rick said as Kate blushed,

"I don't know anything about the therapy Rick, but I do know that Kate is more like a friend, than a boss, she's really worked hard to change her cold-as-ice attitude, and is well-liked now by almost everyone at the precinct," Roz said,

Rick looked shocked, "Well, maybe Dr. Melendez can help me as well, thanks for the recommendation, Beckett," Rick said, "I'm sorry I have another meeting so enjoy your meal, take as much time as you need the limo is waiting for you when you are ready," he said as he left hurriedly,

It didn't go unnoticed to Kate or Roz that when Rick addressed Roz, he used her first name but she was stuck with him always referring to her as Beckett. "Don't worry about it Kate, it could be just the habit, that's what you called each other when he worked with you wasn't it, I think by your request," Roz said,

"Oh my God, you're right Roz, he called me Kate once in the precinct and I bit his head off, I told him I was Detective or Beckett if he wanted to be more personal, but don't call me Kate, that's for my friends, God what a Bitch I was," she said,

"Hey, just do what you did at the precinct, just keep showing up without the chip on your shoulder, and try to remember, he's gone through a lot. I know how tough it was for him to leave Colorado, he only did it because Nikki read him a letter her mom had written her. Something about living HIS dreams not hers, she had her time, it was his now.

"Then to come back to New York and three weeks later bury your mother, although she hadn't been the Martha we knew for a long time. Give him some space, I'm sure he'll come around." Roz said softly,

"I hope so Roz, I really do." She said,

XxX

8 Months Later

Kate had settled into her new role as Captain of the precinct, although the first few weeks had been very difficult. During Martha's funeral she barely got the chance to talk to Rick, he was surrounded by Alexis on one side, Nikki on the other with Jordan Shaw, her husband Tom, and a little girl who absolutely idolized her Uncle Rwik, as she pronounced it, in his arms if not holding his hand. The little princess seemed to be able to make him laugh, no one else could get him to smile but Danielle was his little princess and EVERYONE knew it.

Immediately following she had sent notes, and called a few times, he had responded, slowly but he had sent kind, sincere, notes all handwritten to her. He explained that he had delayed his therapy for a few weeks, explaining that he wasn't strong enough now to go through that process yet. He did invite her to Remy's for lunch and unlike the old Kate, she accepted, and was there on time, without hesitation or delay.

He arrived still looking in good physical condition but the little boy charm, the excitement over the simplest of things, was missing. He smiled as he walked in and saw her waving gently,

He walked to the booth and slid in across from her, "Thanks for coming Kate, and thanks for the kind notes. I know how busy you've been since you took over for that half-wit Gates. Bob only shared that she had fudged budgets, and expenses, he just said you inherited a nightmare." Rick smiled,

"Yeah, that was a mess, I've almost gotten us back on track, but the biggest disappointment I had was when I named Kevin over Javi for Lead, it didn't go over so well" she just said,

"I heard the immature jackass transferred back to the 54th to work with your old flame Demming," he said, not in a derogatory fashion, but just to let her know he remembered her score card.

She blushed at the remembrance of her time with the smooth-talking detective "For a while, both of them are gone now, Demming got fired on a morals charge, that's all I can say, and Javi re-enlisted in the Air Force when Lanie told him to man up or take a hike. She's seeing a doctor from Saint John's now and seems to be happy." Kate offered,

"I often wondered how long a leash Dr. Parrish was going to give God's Gift to Women, AKA Javi," he laughed, "I guess he couldn't understand that if she didn't care enough to stop him from his romantic exploits so you two could have had your nights and flings, hey it was a different time back then, and none of my business." He said, and looked up as the waitress approached,

They ordered and things seemed to be transplanted back to the days when they were first working cases before, she allowed her phobias to step in and ruin any friendship, even if he was engaged. Friendly laughter, then when they had finished eating, she asked.

"So how is therapy with Doctor M going for you Rick, I know it was a bastard for me but was exactly what I needed to make sense of some very stupid, rude behavior and traits I used to cover my inner feelings," she said, the most open and honest statement Rick had heard from her.

"Well, you got the part of it was a Bastard totally correct, I delayed the start of it until 10 days after Mother's service, then thought, hell am I just using that for another excuse. It turned out I was, just like Erin and I, Doctor Melendez asked me how long we had been engaged, this time, and I had to answer it was slightly over two years, 19 months since we released the information.

"Then she asked me how long I would have been engaged if things had worked out the first time between us, less than a year, or just long enough to plan the wedding? She nailed it, I guess even up to the day Erin died, I never truly forgot what she had done. I convinced myself that I had forgiven her, but of course, you know from your sessions, that you can't truly forgive IF you aren't willing to let it go, all of it. I guess I hold on to things much too long for my own good" Rick said as he looked away,

"Well, that's not always bad Rick, you remember the bad, that's true, but you also remember the good times as well. I'm sure that you and Erin had your reasons, mainly loving each other, to wait. I didn't have as many of those one-night stands as you might think that I did, Lanie was trying to make Javi jealous enough to act like a high school girl, and I backed her. It was stupid looking back at it now, but I wasn't in a different man's bed every week Rick. Actually, I'm reserved when it comes to intimacy." She said,

"Let me get this straight, you let your best friend paint the picture you two were out screwing half of Manhattan to make a man jealous, and in reality, you are really shy when it comes to intimacy Beckett? Do you know how that sounds? I did capture all that correctly, didn't I?" he asked,

"Well, almost. You see it wasn't just Lanie who was trying to make someone jealous, I was as well. I know how juvenile that sounds now, but I didn't even know that the man I was trying to get to notice me was already taken, it was you Rick" she said, then hung her head low,

"Me?" he asked, "Beckett you acted like I was the scourge of the earth, and that you hated every minute I was breathing, so how the hell could you, or why should you try to get me to notice you? I remember Erin warning me to be careful, not around the guns or cases but you, so maybe she saw it, but I sure as hell didn't. She told me it was like boys pulling girls' pigtails when they were kids, it was a way of getting them to notice them.

"Rick, did you cover the topic of Emotional Escape with Dr. M? I need to tell you about my background, all of it, including the summer in Kyiv, to get you to understand why I did some of the stupid things I did. I'm not close to being a therapist, but having Doctors Burke and Melendez has opened my eyes to repressed events from a long time ago. I'll warn you the story isn't pretty, so think about it before you agree to hear it." She said,

"I don't know if it could be any worse than my own repressed or attempt at Emotional Escape Kate, I mean, there's a deeper story than what you've read or heard about, and it's not pretty either." He said,

"So, what do you want to do about it, Rick?" She asked point-blank,

"What do I want to do about it, I mean, what do YOU want to do about it? If I'm reading the signals correctly, you want to share them with me. I don't want to assume anything because so many times I did, and well, it was a disaster for me." He said,

"I know, and I'm sorry, I know I bit your head off, after sending you signals that I wanted your friendship. Actually, I got jealous Rick, I thought I could be your good friend, and as long as Erin made you happy, physically, I could deal with that. I was so wrong, and I took it all out on you, so again, I apologize.

"I'm sorry if I sent the wrong signals to you Kate, I loved Erin, I would never cheat, not on anyone, I know" then he stopped suddenly and looked out the window,

"You don't have to explain Rick, I knew, hell everyone knew that you were one of the guys that would go to his grave being faithful, it's one of the traits that I found so endearing. I know that sounds screwed up, but if you ever could find time to hear my story, perhaps then you would understand.

"Dr. M told me I had one of if not the worst cases of Emotional Escape Syndrome she had ever treated. I got so close then I had to escape, I would lure you in, then I would crush you, it was a control issue that stemmed from my past. I was the one to break up with my boyfriends throughout college, then the one-night stands you mentioned, often wound up being nonsexual, once I showed my badge and explained Lanie's need to get physical, a need I didn't share.

"Kate, you're getting pretty deep into your personal life, are you sure you want to continue this conversation, I mean,"

"You're waiting for me to recoil and become the old Beckett, the one that would hurt you for caring, that's gone Rick, Dr. M was a tough therapist, but I'm over those habits AND the root cause of them. Look, I know there are a lot of things that have to be undone before we can rebuild them, all I'm asking for is a chance to explain where I was coming from then, and now.

"If all that ever comes from this is a friendship, well, at least I laid my cards on the table, and for once in my life was honest." She said, a bit of a tear came to her eye, how the hell did he spot that so fast and his hankie out to wipe it away so gently.

"OK, Kate, what's next, where do you want to talk, I'm sure not in a restaurant," he said,

She smiled, "No, how would you feel if I invited you to my place, no funny business, just talk, I promise." As she blushed, he grinned remembering the first time he had invited her, she didn't know that Erin and his girls would be there as well, but the wording brought back a memory.

"OK. How did you get here, cab or walk?" he asked,

"I walked, but we can get a cab if you want, it's up to you." She said,

"How about we walk Kate, maybe we can just catch up on some of the lighter news before we get into the heavy stuff? He said, as he gently took her hand.

She didn't pull back, she interlaced her fingers with his, it felt good to be finally touching him, without guilt, without shame.

They stood to leave the restaurant never breaking eye contact, or letting go of their hands interlocked. The stars were out, and the moon seemed like a movie prop had hung in the sky, it was so clear. They walked on in silence and were about a block away from Remy's when Kate finally got the nerve to ask,

"Rick, are you happy? I mean you've done so much in your life, books, real estate, God knows how many people you've helped but are you happy?" She asked,

"Well, I'm happier than I have been in a long time," as he squeezed her hand gently, "But am I fulfilled with what I want to do in this world before my time is up? That's another question and the answer is no. I keep thinking I need to do more, but I'll be damned if I can figure it out" he said, "What about you?"

"I never had given it a thought until Dr. M, and like you, I know there is something more out there I can do. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud to be a cop, and one of the youngest Captains in New York, but I keep thinking as you do, isn't there something else I could do?"

They reached her apartment, never letting go of each other's hands, until she had to reach for her key, and opened her apartment. It was the first time Rick had been to this one, she had moved from the Loft, leaving the forwarding address with Eduardo, and there had never been an occasion to visit her.

"Welcome Rick, Coffee, Wine, Water, or something harder?" she asked as she slipped behind him into the kitchen area.

"I could go for a good cup of coffee, that is if you're going to have some" he stumbled over his words,

"Coffee is my choice as well, I'm not sure if you want to hear the story tonight or just catch up," She said,

"I'll leave that to you, Kate, you know how you feel, so why don't you take the lead." He said

"Well how much time do you have, it's a long story," she said,

"Kate, Alexis, and Nikki are on the West Coast, I'm lucky to get a call two or three times a week, I don't have to be anywhere." He said softly, almost sadly,

"I'd like to tell you my story if it's not too much," she said, as she sat his coffee in front of him, and picked up his free hand to place in hers again.

"Please, I'd love to hear it, Kate, I'm here, you know if you need me." He said, blushing a bit.

Almost four hours later she and he had exchanged the details both had been afraid to mention before. She noticed his hand grasping the coffee cup hard when she told of the abuse Petre had inflicted, but relaxed when she revealed his death and by what means. She cried once, he pulled her into him, comforting her without a moment of hesitation, he kissed her forehead with butterfly kisses, almost as he would have done to Alexis or Nikki.

The coffee was empty, and the conversation that had been nonstop slowed, Kate afraid he wouldn't want any part of damaged goods as she described herself.

"What are you thinking Kate? I bet I know. You're afraid, of what I would want with someone who had gone through what you had, but you're wrong. I do want something more Kate, I just need to take it slow. You heard how Kyra destroyed me, Jordy restored the physical part, then Erin and Meredith, especially Mer, reduced my ability to trust so badly.

"If you're willing for a do-over, and to take it slow, and don't mind someone who sees your therapist, I'd like to see where we can take this, I mean if"

Her lips finally claimed what she had imagined for so many nights, the kiss wasn't long, but the beautiful part, Rick kissed her back and held her as the sun rose through the curtains, she never closed the previous evening.

XxX

FOUR YEARS LATER

It was a double celebration, Kate had retired from the NYPD, and taken a new job as Mrs. Richard Castle. Together they formed a non-profit organization to make it easier for women to report crimes, especially sex crimes in confidence. Safe Harbor was Kate's project that she oversaw, as Rick began a new series of NON-FICTIONAL books about the work that Dr. M had started.

They had been married in a personal ceremony with just a few guests in attendance, Alexis, Nikki of course, but Danelle was now almost 12 and still had her hero crush on Uncle Rick, and Aunt Kate, she was the flower girl. Lanie, Maddy, and as a surprise to Rick Jordy were in the bridal party, letting him know publicly, that what he did before Kate didn't matter, but do it again, and she still had her gun, even if she didn't carry it.

Rick surprised Kate with a new home, just about an hour's drive from the city, along with Hampton's home, Nikki and Alexis moved into the Loft. He had a feeling it wouldn't be long before they would be joined by their steady boyfriends, so he already had the contractor standing by.

The foundation proved to be the medicine that they BOTH needed, Kate, to try to help others from going through the hell she had, Rick to satisfy his undying need to help others. For the first time in his life, he woke up happy, every single day. That happiness only exploded when Kate broke the news to him four months later, that he was going to be the father of twins. It was all possible because they escaped the emotional chains that could have prevented them from true happiness. They both had made their Emotional Escape and made their next opportunity for love mean everything to them both.

The End,

A/N: Thanks to all of the loyal readers who have read, reviewed, and sent positive notes. They are all appreciated more than you know. This ending was reworked several times until it made sense to me, I didn't want to leave it to be continued, I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I did in creating another tale,

Till Next Time,

Tim