Yup. Still sad. Here we go. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's cold.

Haru turned and pulled his blankets closer around himself when he realized how badly he was shivering. A slight curiosity had him peaking open his tired eyes and glancing towards the window. The gray skies were present as always around this time of year and it was strangely comforting; almost like they justified his unproductive nature. It was lifeless and dull, exactly how Haru felt about himself in this current moment. He had woken up maybe around two hours ago but the thought of forcing his legs to move made him feel nauseous. His muscles ached when he shifted and Haru frowned knowing that there was no real reason behind it. It wasn't an ache of pain, it was an ache of sadness, and the more he realized it, the more overwhelming the pressure around his lungs became.

Haru's eyes shifted to his phone laying in its usual place far away from his bedside. The tiny green light blinked signaling unread messages, the one thing he hoped he wouldn't see this morning. One way or another it was going to be someone he didn't want to speak to.

Did Nagisa find out he hadn't contacted Makoto yet? Maybe he sent a text threatening to reveal the truth about his current state.

No. Things are fine.

They were fine... Haru clenched his hands into fists and pushed himself up with much effort. His joints popped loudly one after another, leading from his wrists to his shoulders. He winced at the pain of stretching out his body. Swinging his legs over the side of his bed, he wondered if his lower half would react the same way. Cautiously, he stood up and placed his hands on the back of his hips followed by a long stretch back. The soft cracks ran down his spine, but his legs seemed fine. He exhaled harshly hoping that the aching would leave him soon. Haru reached for his phone, noticing the slight twisting of his stomach when he slid it open.

What did he have to be afraid of?

Makoto's name appeared on the screen.

Exactly that.

He tentatively clicked the message and started reading.

[Haru! Nagisa said that he visited you yesterday. I've been kind of worried about you since we haven't spoken in a while but... ah never mind. I thought I should tell you that my school's reading week is coming up in two weeks.. maybe if you have time you could come up and visit. I have extra space since my roommate moved out so you wouldn't have to worry about a place to stay but... well.. only if you want to. Give me a call.]

"Makoto..." Haru held his breath. This was worse than he thought it would be. An invitation to see him? Why was Makoto still wasting time... Why did he still care after being ignored for so long. Haru closed his phone and clutched it as tight as he could. He sunk to the ground and brought his knees to his chest, still unable to take a breath. He could feel his chest being compressed and his arms shaking as they wrapped around his legs. His eyes stung with warm tears he tried to hold back. Was there any use to this at all?

"Why..." Haru whispered to himself, biting his lip hard enough to break skin.

50 days.

50 days without Makoto.

50 days he's given him to forget and yet he still sends a message like that.

Why.

Haru sucked in a shaky breath and immediately a wave of dizziness rushed to his head. He leaned forward letting his forehead rest against the cool wall and waited silently for it to pass. The contrast was comforting to some extent. It was getting worse...

He promised Nagisa he would contact Makoto. He promised in exchange for secrecy. Haru knew that putting it off for much longer was dangerous, especially considering Nagisa already contacted Makoto since yesterday. He unwillingly loosened his hold on the phone and slid it open again. The screen lit and Makoto's name flashed brightly across the top. The first contact in his address book.. out of the seven people he had in there. Haru frowned at the immediate adrenaline rush he felt when he brought his thumb over the call button.

It's better this way.

Haru shook his head at the thoughts flooding his head.

Just do it. Just click call. It's only Makoto, just tell him the truth. Tell him everything. Tell him to come home. Tell him that you lost the light from your life. Tell him you can't live without him. He'll understand. He'll come home.. He'll come back to you.

The phone rang once. When Haru realized it, he frantically held it to his ear.

It rang again. When did he even press call? Haru's hands shook worse than before.

And again.

And again.

Haru felt his heart sinking further with each ring. He felt the hollowness filling him with every passing second. The feeling of despair growing heavier and heavier until...

"Hello? Haru?!"

Makoto's voice.

"Haru, are you there?"

Exactly how he remembered it. Exactly how it sounded in his head when he read his messages. Haru opened his mouth to speak but was unable to make a sound. All he could do was pray that Makoto would speak a little more. Just one more sentence. One more word.

"Haru?"

Haru opened his mouth again. At this rate, Makoto would hang up.

Say something. Say anything.

"Mako-" he started, but immediately bit back a cry. His voice broke, there was no doubt Makoto heard it. Haru pulled the phone away from his ear and took a deep breath.

Get yourself together.

"Haru?! Haru, are you okay?!" he could barely hear the frantic voice coming over the phone. He brought his hand up to his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Stop. You're okay. Everything is fine.

He took another deep breath and nodded for reassurance, quickly bringing the phone back to his ear.

"Sorry.."

"Haru! What's wrong? Is everything okay? Are you hurt?" Makoto frantic questions came out rushed and blurred together.

"Yeah, no, I..." Haru couldn't come up with an excuse, "I got your message."

There was a pause and Haru knew exactly what Makoto was doing. He was trying to read him. Even through the phone he was so persistent and most of the time accurate. It was one of the reasons Haru stopped answering the phone, because every time he did Makoto could tell he was upset. He could tell whether Haru had done anything that day or if he was lying about his health. But now Haru had another lingering question on his mind.

Did the recent lack of communication limit Makoto's ability?

"Ah! Does that mean you'll come to Tokyo? You can take the train with Nagisa, I'm sure he'd love to see Rei," Makoto's voice returned to its normal cheery tone. Haru sighed with relief, his question answered.

Makoto couldn't read him anymore.

"Not sure, I'll see if I have time," Haru said quietly. His fingers pulled at a loose string on the shirt he was wearing.

Makoto's shirt.

"Haru, surely you haven't started a job or something. You would have told me, right?"

It was almost painful to hear the uncertainty behind that statement. Haru frowned, feeling his stomach twisting into knots again. His actions were causing Makoto to question things that never had to be questioned before, and he didn't expect it to hurt this much.

"I would..." Haru regretted saying, "But... I'll let you know okay?"

He could envision Makoto tilting his head slightly and giving a warm smile. How he missed such little things...

"Sure. Either way... it's really nice to hear your voice. I was starting to get worried... how is everything?"

A sudden beep rang in Haru's ear. Another call? He has never been so grateful to receive a call in his life.

"Hold on, I have another call," Haru mumbled.

"Okay."

Haru swiped the screen to see who was calling, but the name that showed up on the screen didn't put his worries at ease in the least bit. He scoffed.

"On second thought, never mind..." Haru brought the phone back to his ear.

"Eh? Who is it?" Makoto quickly asked.

"Rin..."

"Haru! Answer it! I bet you haven't talked to him in a long while either. He hasn't been around since graduation, you should see what he wants!"

Haru rolled his eyes. What else could he possibly want...

"If you say so.."

Haru clicked into Rin's call.

"Hello?"

"Haru! Where are you right now?" he practically yelled. The background noise of the call made it sound like he was surrounded by a lot of people. Where could he possibly be? Maybe the train station?

"Home. Where are you?" Haru raised an eyebrow wondering if he was right.

"I just got off the train at Iwatobi station! I'm coming to get you and we're going to race!" Rin yelled.

Bingo.

"You don't have to yell, I can hear you just fine," Haru sighed.

"Eh? Sorry, it's really loud over here, the noise is messing with me! I'll be there in twenty minutes!"

"Sorry.. but I can't," Haru said without thinking. The sudden silence that followed immediately made Haru aware of his fatal error.

"You're turning down swimming..." Rin stated. Haru very nearly slapped himself. That was the final strike. Everything wasn't okay. Not at all.

"Did something happen?" Rin's voice grew softer.

"N-No just.. it's been really cold so I haven't swam in a while. I probably need a new swimsuit, mine are still worn out from the past season.." he lied.

"Well what better time than now to practice again! I can get us into Samezuka's pool, and knowing you, you won't turn that down. Just get ready, I'm on my way."

The call ended.

This is bad.

Makoto's call switched back over.

"Makoto?" his voice was barely above a whisper.

"Ah! I'm here, what did Rin want?"

"He wants to race..."

Haru flinched upon hearing Makoto's gentle laugh over the phone, he hadn't thought about that laugh in so long. It was one of those things he didn't even realize he missed.

"I should have guessed. I'm assuming you're gonna go then?"

"...yeah."

"Well.. don't take such a long time to call again, okay? Tell me how the race goes.. and let me know about coming up here, okay?"

Why does he sound so happy?

"Sure. I'll..." Haru stopped to wonder whether the next words were safe to say, "I'll talk to you later."

Without waiting for a response, he ended the call. He didn't want to hear Makoto's parting words again. That was one thing that still rang loudly in his memory. So loud that it left his ears ringing. Haru shut his eyes tight, once again leaning his body closer to the wall and letting his forehead rest against the cool surface. Every night it was the same thing. Every night it was reliving the same memory. The same saddened voice that he would never get used to hearing. The familiar ache that wrapped itself around his whole body. The inability to breathe. The pain in his heart. Those green eyes spilling with tears.

Makoto's goodbye.

I'm just really sorry. Pray for my life to get itself together because I really might tear Haru apart.