Hahahahhhhh so... my laptop is broken. I've lost all my data for the 3rd time this year. I mean... I had most of the things backed up but I haven't done an update in weeks so everything I recently wrote is gone. Fantastic. I'm not sure what else I have that can be ruined for me~ Sorry for taking so long to update... I decided to leave the country for a week~

"Nanase..." Seijuuro lowered his voice to barely above a whisper, eyes still carefully watching Rin. Haru pushed his bangs away from his eyes and offered a questioning look. And while Seijuuro's calm face was stationary, the things around him were still spinning slightly. He couldn't stop his eyes from shutting tight when he felt himself sinking further into a head rush, it felt like he was falling into the depths of the water where it was soundless and dark. A place he often imagined himself but the last place he'd like to be right now. His eyes opened when Seijuuro spoke.

"You haven't seen him since he left, huh?"

Nobody was going to leave this alone, were they?

"No..."

Seijuuro shifted back onto his ankles, resting his elbows on his knees.

"And you don't plan on seeing him? You plan to avoid him at all costs for the next few years while he's away at school?"

Haru frowned, he never really thought that far into the future. He never realized that this could continue for years. He never realized that this ache wouldn't leave him anytime soon. All that was left was the undeniable fact that answering Makoto's phone calls would make him a burden. Going to see Makoto would serve as a distraction. And that if Makoto knew the current state of Haru's mind, he would worry entirely too much.

And that couldn't happen.

"I guess so..."

The words cut deep into Haru's heart. This was the first time he's said it out loud. The first time the words left his lips.

"Okay, and how about after?"

Just how long would it be before he saw Makoto again? Haru blinked. "...After?"

Seijuuro smirked, "After he finishes school and comes back to his home. What then?"

Haru sucked in his breath and held it, trying to force his body to ache less, hoping that his hands wouldn't start shaking again.

"Do you really believe that cutting all contact with him makes this easier for him? You don't think that maybe he's sitting in his dorm room feeling completely alone, surrounded by unfamiliar things and people, wishing for his cherished friend to give him a sense of home?" Seijuuro stood when he saw Rin coming back with a water bottle.

"Do you really think you're the only one who was hurt when you said goodbye?"

Haru's eyes widened.

Was that the truth?

"It's a long ride, that's why I'm leaving so early." Makoto's voice shook and Haru didn't have the courage to bring his eyes up, he forced himself instead to focus on anything else. The uncertainty, how he spoke holding his breath, it was strange, it wasn't like him at all. Haru kept his eyes averted, staring at the ground and noticing how close together they seemed to stand. Makoto was barely an inch away. The sun had started to peek out over the rooftops of the neighboring houses; it was still incredibly early. If he only knew Makoto would be leaving like this, he would have stayed up. He would have... gone over or spent the night or... something other than this. It was too bland and too quick, it was definitely too soon. Haru wasn't prepared for this at all.

"I'm sorry that I woke you up.. but it just wouldn't feel right leaving without saying goodbye," Makoto added. Haru frowned, he felt his jaw tighten accompanying the pain that flared in his chest. This isn't what he wanted. This isn't how he wanted it to happen. Haru tilted his head up.. and his heart sank.

Tears.

There were tears streaming down Makoto's cheek, and he made no effort to hide them. No effort to wipe them away. If anything, it was the most honest display Haru had ever seen coming from the boy. More honest than confessions in the rain and in empty hotel rooms. More honest than overjoyed embraces after winning a race. Because this wasn't a choice, it was an impulse from having too many emotions pushed too far. Makoto couldn't hold it in any longer. And even through that display of raw emotion, something Makoto rarely let anybody see, there was one thing that was ever preset that Haru couldn't help but feel angry about.

Makoto's smile.

How could he smile? How could he so freely display such contrasting emotions? Even now, even when he made a drastic choice on his own, that smile was still displayed. Still holding a brave front... and for who? For his own sake? Or was it for Haru's? What was he trying to prove by leaving him with that smile?

"It's fine," Haru finally said.

'Please end this suffering, don't leave me to linger with your sweet gestures.'

"I'll give you a call when I'm settled in. And..." Makoto paused and took notice to the indifferent glance he received in return, was Haru's blank stare registering his voice at all, was there even a point to continue the sentence... "You're always welcome to come visit. I have room... and the school has a pretty big pool. We could still swim together if you're up for it."

Haru nodded. He opened his mouth to speak but the words he wanted so desperately to say were lost on him, forever stuck in his throat because he knew there was something more important than his feelings. He held back his selfish desires just this once.

'Please don't go.'

'Don't leave me here alone.'

'Don't leave like everybody else.'

For a second, Makoto flinched, taking one hasty step forward before stopping himself. Haru noticed it too. How stupid could he be..

He was transparent. It was useless to try to hide things from Makoto. In that moment, they both understood each other's feelings completely. Makoto understood Haru's vacant expression and internal struggle, and chose to dismiss it. Haru understood Makoto's weakness and his inability to lock his selfish desire within him prompting him to show up at the door this morning, and he chose to ignore it.

Both stayed silent, neither able to come up with something that could be said to sooth the other's pain. More than likely, there wasn't anything. This far down the line... nothing could be done. Nothing could be said to fill the emptiness of the silent minutes that passed. Makoto took a deep breath, blinking away tears, and slowly stepping forward to reach his arms around his friend. Haru's eyes widened when he felt Makoto's arms come together around him. He couldn't breathe.

'Please don't do this...'

"Take care of yourself, alright?" Makoto solemnly said before breaking apart. There was silence that followed and it came as no surprise to Makoto, due to experience, due to habit, maybe just due to how well he knew the person standing motionless in front of him. Haru wouldn't answer him, so he didn't wait for a response. He turned to leave, pulling the door closed behind him.

"Goodbye, Haruka."

"Here," Rin's voice snapped Haru out of his thoughts. His eyes were glazed over, and as observant as Rin was, it wouldn't go unnoticed. Why did he have to remember that memory now? Why after trying to block it from his mind for so long?

"Thanks," he said, taking the water bottle and drinking a generous amount. The tension was obvious, neither having the initiative to bring up what needed to be said. Rin sank to the ground and crouched beside Haru.

"Are you feeling better?" he quietly asked.

"Yeah... sorry."

"It's okay, I just don't really understand what's happening with you I guess... I've been away much longer so... you have to fill me in," Rin looked up with hopeful eyes, praying that Haru would finally say something.

"What about you? We barely get updates from you, what have you been doing?" Haru muttered.

"No, this isn't about me, Haru," Rin ran a hand through his hair, this running in circles was exhausting, "Don't change the subject, I'm not going to drop this, so just spill it."

Haru rolled his eyes.

"There's nothing to spill. It's too cold to swim so I haven't been in practice. Makoto and Rei are in Tokyo, Nagisa is working a new job, so I haven't really seen anybody. The lack of activity just took a toll on me I guess, I underestimated it."

Rin shook his head, "No see... I study books on how the body works for training, I know what it takes for muscles to diminish and 'lack of activity' isn't it, Haru. You haven't been moving at all. If I had to explain this, I'd say you weren't eating either. I didn't notice it until we swam, but your swimsuit doesn't cling to your legs anymore. Muscle deterioration doesn't happen that quickly! It's actually really scary to see..."

Seijuuro eyed Rin's shaky hands. He wasn't kidding, it was worrisome. Rin had a point, muscle didn't diminish that quickly unless he wasn't eating... or had a disease. To think that Haru would take it this far...

"Nanase, I think you'd better say something about all this. I don't want to be the one to do it for you," the red head noted sternly.

"There's nothing to say..." Haru sighed. He pushed his tired body up, walking over to the bench where he left his clothes and ignoring the sigh he heard behind him.

"Haru, wait!" Rin shouted, running after him. Haru slipped his clothes back on quickly, wrapping his sweater around himself for warmth.

"Haru, this isn't a joke anymore. Look at yourself." Rin's voice grew lower reflecting the obvious anger that had awakened from the stubbornness. But wasn't this to be expected by now?

"I know! I get it!" he snapped.

"...this really is about Makoto, isn't it?"

Stop saying his name.

Haru didn't have the strength in him to deny it any longer. Instead, he bit his lip and tightened his fists as he felt a burn stinging at his eyes. He shied back when Rin stepped closer, craning his neck to catch the troubled glance.

"It hurts, Rin."

There was no going back.

"All the time, it's just... it's just cold. And I can't pull myself out of it."

"Go see him." Rin voice made it clear that it wasn't a suggestion. It was a threat. Just like Nagisa's. "Go see him and soon. If not for his sake, do it for your own."

"I can't."

"Why the hell not?"

"Do you really have to ask that? You know exactly what will happen if I go see him. He'll see through me in a second and I'll be a distraction. I'll be burdening him again, holding him back even more.."

"You are the most idiotic kid I know."

"You're one to talk..."

"I don't want to hear another excuse out of you. I swear to God, if you do not go see him, I will personally drag you onto a train and toss you into his dorm room handcuffed." Haru froze. Rin could very easily get handcuffs on his wrists, leaving him alone in the darkness of an empty unfamiliar dorm room, only to stare at an alarm clock in anticipation for when that door would finally open and reveal the surprised face of the person he's put so much trouble into avoiding. It's not something he would put past Rin at all..

"And I'll give Nagisa the key..."

[Nagisa and I bought train tickets for the 22nd]

Whyyyy doesn't ff let you use - - - as breaks. Rude. Thank you to all the wonderful people who review and actually read this terrible story. All my love. Seriously. I'll try to update soon.