A/N: Thanks for your reviews!
Chapter 2
The next morning, Johanna made her way into the kitchen, the silence of the house bothering her when usually she liked the peacefulness of being the only one awake for awhile. There was no peace lately though which ruined these quiet moments for her. She sighed softly and turned on the small TV that sat on the counter, Sunday morning television was the height of boredom with its political commentary shows and newscasts but at least it would provide her with some noise. Her husband was still asleep and she figured it would be awhile before he got up; he'd want to sleep in since he was leaving for his trip. Her hands curled around the sink as she stared out the window; her mind drifting back to the night before. She had given in to him…loneliness and longing had overruled the logical part of her brain and she had given in. Her eyes closed; she couldn't exactly say that she regretted it because she didn't…Jim's affection came so rarely lately that she found it hard to walk away when it was being offered.
Johanna breathed deeply, stretching slightly in hope of releasing the tension in her muscles. He had promised to take her to breakfast but she knew that wasn't going to happen. Two weekends in a row had brought home that old adage of 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." Well she wasn't about to be shamed for a third time. Her husband didn't keep promises anymore; it was something she had to learn to accept. That wasn't a pleasant thought to start her day off with but it wasn't the first time her day had started with less than desirable thoughts. She shook it off; she'd grab the newspaper from the porch and then make herself some breakfast. Maybe by the time Jim found his way downstairs she'd feel a little more put together and she'd fix him what he wanted and then go collect Katie from her grandparents. Her daughter wasn't going to be happy to see her daddy go…especially since they weren't allowed to accompany him to the train station now. Yet another broken promise…he was racking up quite a collection. If that's what promotions did for him, she hoped he didn't get anymore…and she knew that sounded selfish but she wasn't sure they were going to make it through this one.
Jim laid awake in the silence of their bedroom, his gaze on the empty space beside him in bed. He didn't know how long Johanna had been gone but he figured he better drag himself out of bed and find her. He had promised to take her to breakfast…and although he was still tired and didn't really want to leave the house, he figured he better keep that promise. If he didn't it would be one more thing for her to hang over his head and she already had a long enough list. He sighed as he pushed himself up and sat on the edge of the bed; he wished she would've just stayed in bed…then maybe they could've had a repeat of last night and breakfast would've been forgotten. He sighed a little; he'd be foolish to believe that she'd give in again…he wasn't entirely sure why she had given in to him so easily the night before. He closed his eyes…for a little while, things had felt better just like he told her they would and she had fallen asleep against his chest…but it hadn't been long before she had shifted in her sleep, finding her way back on her side…her back to him. It shouldn't bother him so much…after all, he did accuse her of being clingy and needy…but it did bother him. He blew out a breath and pushed himself off the bed; there wasn't much he could do about it at the moment. For now, he better get up and find his wife…take her out to breakfast like he had told her he would.
Johanna was taking the carton of eggs out of the fridge when Jim finally made his way into the kitchen. He took note of the pancake mix near the stove and the can of coffee on the counter. "What are you doing?" Jim asked.
His sudden appearance made her flinch and tighten her grip on the egg carton. "Making breakfast," she said as she regained her composure.
He frowned. "I told you I'd take you out for breakfast."
She shrugged. "I wasn't going to hold you to that. I figured you'd want to sleep in this morning since you'll be leaving today."
"I'm already awake."
Johanna's brow furrowed as she met his eye. "Did I wake you somehow? I tried to be quiet when I got up."
"No, you didn't wake me…but since we're on the topic, how long have you been up?"
"Awhile," she admitted.
"Why?"
"I don't know. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep so I took a shower and then came downstairs and finished my grading. I thought you'd be asleep for awhile longer so I was going to get something to eat and look at the newspaper."
"Well since we're both up we may as well go out to breakfast," Jim remarked; his tone a little rougher than he had meant it to be.
"I can just make us breakfast," she replied, knowing that he didn't really want to go.
Jim shook his head. "No, all I've heard is that you want to go out so go get ready, we're going out."
The sentiment struck her already wounded heart. "I don't want you to do it out of pity or obligation, Jim. I meant what I said last night, that I wasn't asking for anything."
"You didn't ask; I offered and you accepted. Go get ready because we're going. I'm not going to have a third missed date hanging over my head."
"You're such a sweet talker," Johanna said sarcastically as she began putting the breakfast items away.
He closed his eyes for a moment, she had given him an out, he hadn't taken it and that wasn't her fault. He caught hold of her elbow as she moved to pass by him. "I didn't mean it the way it sounded," he told her, softening his tone. "I just don't want to have three no-shows in a row on my record."
"It's okay," she murmured. "I'll go get ready."
He pulled her closer, drawing her into his arms for a moment before brushing a kiss against her forehead. "We'll go somewhere nice, okay?"
"Okay," she said with a nod, telling herself that maybe he did want to turn things around. "It'll be nice…just the two of us."
"That's right," he replied, brushing a quick kiss against her lips. "It'll be good."
Jim's words saying that their breakfast date would be good echoed in her mind as they tried their best to have a peaceful meal; but it was hard to have peace when things felt awkward between them. They had talked about the weather; the unusually mild temperatures for this time of year. He mentioned that a colleague from Roche that she knew had gotten engaged. She had mentioned that she was thinking about signing Katie up for a dance class to help her burn off some of her energy but the look on his face at the idea had her dropping the topic quickly. Small talk about their families had followed and then silence had fallen; making her feel awkward and ill at ease as she tried to finish her breakfast.
Johanna found herself shifting in her seat as silence continued to linger between them. There had been a time when silences between them had been comfortable…but now, with things so off balance lately, they felt harsh and heavy as if they were proving that there was a rift there that she just couldn't seem to mend. She pushed her eggs around on the plate, desperately searching for something to say to end the oppressiveness. "I guess when we're finished, we could go ahead and pick up Katie," she said finally as she caught his eye.
Jim shook his head as he swallowed his bite of pancake. "I'd rather not."
Her brow rose a little. "Oh? Why not? Are we going to do something else after breakfast?"
"No; I didn't have any other plans…I'm leaving at eleven so I don't have much time to take you around today, Jo."
"I know. I didn't expect anything more…I didn't expect this."
"I told you last night that I'd take you to breakfast."
"I know you told me…I just didn't believe it would happen…which is why I told you this morning that I wasn't going to hold you to it."
Jim frowned as he eyed her. "I know it's not what you want but it's all I can give you right now."
Johanna pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "I'm always happy to have breakfast with you, Jim. I just didn't believe it would happen since our plans get canceled so often."
His jaw tightened. "I can't help it that I have meetings to go to. You'd think you'd understand about meetings since you used to have to go to them yourself when you worked there. I don't know what the hell Mark is doing at your firm but maybe if he followed how things were at Roche; you wouldn't be bored and forgetting what it's like to have to work more than half a day."
"I work all day," she said sharply.
"I don't know, back in December all I heard was how you were leaving early all the time."
"It wasn't all the time and since the new year, my caseload has picked up and I've been in court several times."
"Have you won anything?" he asked. "Because I haven't heard any bragging about victories lately…it makes me wonder how well you're really doing at this place, Jo."
Offense at the comment flickered in her eyes. "Yes, I've won."
"Big win or little win?"
"What does it matter?" Johanna asked. "A win is a win."
"In a manner of speaking…but what about in financial terms? You had reached your third tier of bonuses for case amount wins at Roche," Jim remarked.
"I don't have thresholds to reach for bonuses anymore."
"I'm aware of that," he replied. "I want to know if you're still winning the kind of cases you were at Roche. You say you've had wins, how lucrative were they?"
"What does it matter?" she asked sharply. "I won and winning is what counts."
"It's more than just winning, Johanna, and we both know it. Now were they big wins or small wins?"
She narrowed her eyes at him. "At the moment, I don't have any six figure lawsuits to work on…so if you're asking if my cases are living up to yours, then I guess the answer is no. The case I finished this week was awarded a settlement of ten thousand dollars…I know that pales in comparison to your million dollar ones."
Jim took a sip of his coffee and swallowed. "You could have bigger and better cases."
"Bigger cases will come along; I'm not worried."
"I think you are…and I hate to say it, but I don't think they're going to come like you think they are. Mark isn't doing anything to put that firm on the map. Right now it's just a hole in the wall full of people who brought established client lists with them and that's the only thing keeping the place going at the moment."
"We have new clients as well," she ground out.
"Yeah, most likely sent by people who are already established with you or Maggie or whoever else is there. Mark isn't doing anything to bring attention to the firm. Is he even advertising it?"
"It's in the phonebook," she retorted.
"So is every other place! What about some real advertising?"
"He's advertised it in the newspapers and legal magazines."
"What about other publications? No one outside of the profession reads legal magazines or newsletters."
"I don't know, Jim. It's not something I sit around worrying about. If you want to know so bad, call Mark and ask him."
"I don't need to; I already know the answer."
"All law firms start off slowly," Johanna said defensively. "We've only been open since September…that's only five months. It takes time."
"What if it never takes off, Jo? What then? I don't think you feel all that confident in it, that's why you took the job at Columbia."
"I told you, I took the job at Columbia because I wanted to do something for myself. I wanted to try it…it could be something to fall back on one day if I'd want to leave the courtroom before I'm retirement age."
"You told me you don't even know if you like it," he shot back. "So don't act like this is about some need at thirty-three to find a job to do in retirement, which is what, another thirty years away?"
"Don't remind me," she muttered.
"Of your age or how many years until retirement?"
"Both," Johanna retorted. "The class I'm teaching is going fine. As for the firm, I told you, my caseload has picked up…no it's not raking in the high dollars that yours is but a win is a win and I'm still bringing home a paycheck so I don't know what your problem is."
"The problem is your cases don't keep you as busy as they used to…you've been on a downswing for the five months you've been at that firm and it's making you forget what it's like to work on bigger cases which is why you have to make a big deal out of things when I have to work more than you do. If you were still at Roche; my work and traveling wouldn't be an issue. I guarantee you wouldn't say one word about it…but you have plenty of time to think about it now when you're bored and you get mad because you know you made a mistake not going to a busier firm and then you want to yell at me about everything."
"I didn't have time to find a busier firm," she retorted. "I wanted to get back to work as quickly as possible so that I'd have income coming in again so everything wouldn't be on you. Mark offered me a decent position and flexible hours so I went with it, because it meant I'd only be out of work for the summer and with flexible hours I could still be there for Katie."
"That's another thing, you didn't look elsewhere because you knew Mark was going to offer you whatever hours you wanted so he could have enough people going in with him for this firm. What are you going to do when Katie starts school? Really, she should be in preschool but you wouldn't hear of it."
"Yeah, I wouldn't hear of it because preschool is only half the day, Jim; I can't leave court and go pick her up at noon…and we know you're not going to pick her up. Besides, preschool isn't mandatory and I'm not shoving her into the school system before I have to. A lot of kids don't go to preschool and they're just fine. My mother didn't shove me into nursery school at the age of four so why should I do it to my kid? She's fine right where she's at; she knows her alphabet, her numbers and colors, she's learning how to write words. She's not going to be behind in any way."
"You wanted to keep her home to baby her," Jim remarked.
"You wanted to shove her into preschool to be rid of her," Johanna shot back.
"I do not!"
"Seems like it to me but I don't know why it should bother you anyway. It isn't like you have to stay home from work to watch her all day. As for what I'm going to do when Katie goes to school…well I should think it would be obvious; I'll keep the hours I have so I can take Katie to school and pick her up at the end of the day, court permitting of course. If I'm in court, I'll have one of her grandparents pick her up because I assume you won't."
"I would pick her up if needed," Jim said sharply. "Don't act like I do nothing for her."
"Well she's still waiting on you to teach her how to ride her bike…I mean you did tell her that you would help her practice in the basement since it's too cold out to go out riding her bike…but every time she asks you tell her that you're busy or that you're about to leave."
"Well then why don't you do it," he replied with a cool smile. "You think you're the better parent and mother of the year, do it. You may as well, being a mother is all you care about."
"That's not true!"
"Yeah, it is. I remember when you used to be more than just a mother, Johanna. It's too bad that you don't."
The remark stung and she found herself blinking back tears. "So what do you want to do, Jim? Send her off to boarding school so she won't be in your way anymore?"
"No! Of course not. I just wish you'd remember that you're more than a mother. I don't want to see your career go down the drain just so you can keep flexible hours and come and go as you please. I'd like for you to remember how to be a wife that didn't lecture and complain all the time."
"I wasn't aware of the fact that my career was going down the drain," she remarked as her throat grew tight. "I'm just not concerned with being something more than I am at the moment. You're climbing the ladder…it's your time."
"Meaning what?"
"Meaning I want you to have what you want…your promotions and raises and bonuses…and having all those things means you have to be away more. I'm not saying that I never dreamed of chasing bigger things in the legal field, I did…but then I married you and I had a child…and I felt fulfilled. I don't need to chase anything because I already got what I wanted. I have a good career, I have a husband, I have a child and a home…and I like being with my child. I like being home at the end of the day. As for being a wife…every time I try to be one, you bail on me or say I'm nagging you or lecturing or annoying you. I try to have time with you; you're the one who throws it away because something else is so much more important…so what am I supposed to do?"
"Don't put it all on me," he shot back. "I try to make things up to you when I have to break plans but you're always so pissed off about it that nothing is ever good enough. I bring you flowers and you throw them in the garbage…."
"In all fairness, I told you last night not to bring any…because they don't make anything better. You're not bringing them because you're sorry, you bring them because you feel guilty; there's a difference. You used to bring me flowers just because you wanted to…because you were truly sorry…as a special treat for an occasion. Now you bring them home because you feel guilty and you want to shut me up."
"I bring them so you know I thought of you even though I wasn't with you," he retorted.
"Yeah," she scoffed. "I'm the afterthought."
"It's not just the flowers, you know. I tried to make up for last night by taking you to breakfast and here we are with you ruining it."
"Me!" she exclaimed. "How did I ruin it? I asked about picking up our daughter and suddenly found myself being interrogated about my job and told of my failings as a lawyer and a wife…but it's my fault this meal is ruined?"
"Yes; because you had to make your comment about how our plans are always cancelled."
Johanna took a sip of her juice. "That wasn't a comment…it was a fact."
Jim nodded. "Fine, it's a fact…and so is everything I said about your job. You're letting your skill go to waste just so can pick and choose your office hours."
"I never said I wanted to be more than I am right now," Johanna said firmly. "I'm a good lawyer and I do my best for every client no matter how much or how little their case earns me. I went to law school because I wanted to help people. I wanted people who were wrong to face their consequences and people who were right to have justice. I never once said I was in it for the money or bonuses, partnerships or whatever else it is that you think I'm letting slip through my fingers. I don't want it; especially if it means missing my kid grow up. I want Katie to have at least one parent around every day since she doesn't seem to have two anymore. Don't worry about my career, Jim. I'll worry about it if I feel it needs worry. You ought be glad that I'm not trying to keep up with you…you might not like the competition if I was. I'm sorry I'm not living up to your expectations in all areas of life. I'm sorry I get upset when I can't have at least an hour of your time once in awhile…I get upset because I love you and I'm stupid enough to miss you and the way things used to be. I get upset because you do things now that you never used to do so much of before…"
"Johanna, if you start about the drinking, I'm walking out of here and you can get home on your own," Jim said harshly. "I'm sick and tired of hearing that bullshit. I'm a grown man, if I want to drink, I'll drink and I don't give a damn if you like it or not. You act like you're miss perfect and I've seen you so damn drunk that I had to carry you out of a bar and into your apartment."
"I don't believe I've ever denied getting drunk. I know I have…hell, I remember plenty of times when we got drunk together…and I don't care if you have a drink, I don't even care if you get drunk once every so often…it's when it's all the damn time that it's a problem but you don't think it is so I'll just stop there. When it catches up with you in one way or another, that will be your problem."
Jim eyed her for a long moment. "I didn't get drunk last night."
Johanna stayed silent; knowing that every comment she came up with would only add fuel to the fire.
Jim sighed deeply as he stared at his wife, her head lowered as she pushed the remaining eggs around on her plate. So much for making up before he left, he thought to himself…and some of it was his fault; he knew she was sensitive about her work but he only wanted what was best for her. "I just want what's best for you when it comes to your career, Jo. You had a great career at Roche and still had plenty of time for Katie. I just hate to see you going backwards instead of forward."
"I'll start looking for a new job, Jim," she remarked, keeping her gaze lowered so he wouldn't see the sheen of tears in her eyes. "If me finding a different firm to work at is what it takes to make you happy and to make you see me as an equal again, then I'll do that. I'll get my resume together and start applying elsewhere."
"I don't want you to do it for me. I want you to do it for yourself so you'll be happy."
Johanna scoffed. "I'm fine with my job…it's my marriage I'm not happy with. So you work on making me happily married and I'll work on finding a new job so that you'll be happy, okay? Will that work for you?"
"Jo, if you're happy where you're at with your career, then stay there. I just happen to think you deserve better but if you don't want it, stay put…but be done with the teaching job at the end of the semester, it's too much for you right now, trying to find extra sitters for Katie and it's more work for you."
"I didn't say I was going back next semester, because for your information, I'm not…but if they ask me again in the future when I feel I have a little more time to work with, I will take the position if I want it because it's something I'm doing for myself. I wouldn't have the issue of finding last minute sitters if you'd just come home on time once in awhile and look after your daughter for an hour so I can do the job. You're awful quick to back down on your stance about my career but I don't hear you offering up anything about making a happier marriage."
"Our marriage would be happier if you'd just settle down once in awhile. Everything is a goddamn crisis with you, Johanna. If plans change you have to have a hissy fit. If I have to be away for more than a few days, you act like it's the most terrible thing to ever happen. I try to make up to you, it's not good enough. You want everything your way or no way. You want date nights and candlelight and roses given for reasons you approve of and for me to agree that coddling Katie all of her life is best and that everything you do is right and perfect. I know I'm not the perfect husband…but you're not perfect either."
"I never said I was."
"No, you just act like it. Maybe if you'd quit bitching so much, things would be better between us. Did you ever think of that?"
"I think of a lot of things," Johanna replied softly. Like lately she was thinking about how she was watching her marriage unravel thread by thread, wondering when the spool would be empty and she'd be forced to admit that things were over between them…that he didn't love her anymore…because he couldn't possibly still love her when he found so much fault with her lately. She thought of trying to be the things he seemed to want now; the wife who expected nothing, the one who said nothing and asked for nothing…but somehow her mouth always overruled her brain and she'd lose her grip of that plan. She didn't like the idea of it anyway…they had been together long enough that he should know he couldn't change her at her core.
Silence fell over the table and Jim felt his throat growing tight in response to it, making him wish for a drink; something stronger than the coffee in his cup. The burn of whiskey would be better but there was none to be had as he studied his wife, watching her emotions disappear as she boxed herself up and put on that face she usually reserved for the courtroom, the one where you couldn't tell what she was thinking or feeling…the one where her eyes betrayed nothing. He hated when that look came into play between them; he didn't like not being able to read her. Guilt gnawed at him; he had let her down two weekends in a row…he had brought her flowers when she asked him not to…he didn't take care of Katie that week while she taught her class like he had promised he would. He stretched his fingers out, grazing the soft skin of her hand before he curled his hand around her it, not at all surprised when she didn't turn her hand over to entwine her fingers with his. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I'm sorry about our plans being cancelled last night. I'm sorry that this breakfast isn't making it up to you and that it's gone wrong. I'm sorry that I can't try again this week since I'll be away. I'm sorry that you seem to think I'm betraying you somehow by needing to work more right now…but I'm doing it for us. The more I prove myself, the more lucrative cases I get and the more money I bring home. We're going to have the car paid off way ahead of time…and the loan we got to cover a portion of the cost of the house, we can pay it off sooner too. Katie's college fund can grow faster and so can that savings account we started for her. You can have everything you want; all those fancy shoes and designer purses that you like so much…we can take those trips you always talk about. I know we were doing fine before my promotion…but we can have so much more now."
"I'm not going to stand in your way," she said quietly. "I know it's important to you to keep going, to get more promotions and more bonuses and whatever else there is. I'm not going to stop you…I couldn't if I wanted to…and maybe once in awhile when I'm really lonely I wish I could…but I never would because I know it's what you want. I want you to be happy…and all this extra work and traveling and having bigger paychecks is what makes you happy."
"I'm not just doing it for me; I told you, I'm doing it for all of us. I want you to have everything you ever wanted."
She gave him a brief sad smile. "All I ever wanted was you and Katie."
"You have us."
"Do I have you?" she asked.
"Of course you do. I know I can't always do the things you want but it doesn't mean I don't care."
She sighed softly; she didn't want to wage the battle anymore at the moment; it was futile anyway. He was convinced he was right and she was wrong…and nothing she said or did could persuade him. "Are we going to go get Katie or not?" she asked. "You can see your parents for a few minutes before you leave."
Jim shook his head as he released her hand, seeing that she was going to change the subject instead of admitting that he did care. "No, I'm not going over there today,"
"Your mother's been asking about you. She says she sees me more than her own son. I think she misses you."
"She just wants to harp at me," he remarked. "And I get enough of that as it is."
Johanna bit back a sharp retort. "Well you could hide in the car while I run in and get Katie."
"No, you can pick her up after I leave."
She stared at him for a long moment. "You don't want to see Katie before you leave?"
"I just think it would be better if you went and got her after I leave," he said slowly.
"How can that be better?"
"Because if we don't have to go through the big goodbye scene, she won't be upset and crying."
"She'll be upset either way."
"No, she won't," he said with a shake of his head. "If I'm gone before you bring her home, she'll hardly notice. That's why I told Zach to pick me up."
Johanna eyed him. "You changed the plan after telling her that she could see the trains and the station. She was looking forward to that, you know?"
"She's never been interested in trains before."
"She was interested because it involved you. You said you'd show them to her…that's why she cares about it."
Jim sighed. "I'll make it up to her."
"Your list of things to make up must be getting pretty long," Johanna commented. "Do you write it down or do you just keep a list in your head?"
Jim's jaw tightened. "Don't worry about how I keep track of things, just know that I do…but at least Katie's easier to make up to than you. As for me changing the plan, yeah, I did, because I don't want to see her crying and I don't want to see you crying either…it's all the two of you do anymore."
Her eyes narrowed as she held his gaze. "Believe me, I'm not going to cry today. Thanks for breakfast, it's been very enlightening and has assured that I won't miss you at the dinner table tonight. Thank you for that too."
"Maybe I won't miss you either," he retorted.
"You never do so that won't be anything new," Johanna said as she picked up her glass and took the last sip of her juice. "I'm ready to go if you are."
"You didn't finish your breakfast."
"I'm not hungry."
"Seems like you're never hungry anymore."
She shrugged. "It comes from stress."
"It's that second job that's giving you stress," Jim stated as he took his wallet from his pocket to pay for their meal.
"No, I'm pretty sure it's everything but that job."
"I guess you're including me in that?"
Johanna sighed. "Yeah, I am…but I don't want to fight anymore, Jim. I just want to go home."
A small measure of remorse filled him as she rose from her seat to put her coat on. "I didn't mean for breakfast to turn out this way," he remarked as he pulled on his jacket.
She shrugged. "It is what it is. Let's go."
"When I get back from Vermont, I promise I'll take you out somewhere nice. I'll make it up to you."
"It's fine, don't worry about it," Johanna replied. "Let's go home, you need to make sure your files are packed and I have things to do."
Jim breathed deeply; she was unmovable at the moment and when she was like that, it was best to just stay silent…it wasn't a battle he could win easily and he didn't have time to wage it anyway.
Silence had reigned in the house ever since they had gotten home, with Johanna retreating upstairs and Jim moving into their shared home office to make sure his briefcase was packed. He could admit that he had lingered there for awhile longer than necessary, knowing his wife was angry and wanting to stay out of her way until she cooled off a little. He sighed deeply and stretched as he rose from his chair; he had heard her footsteps heading for the kitchen and he figured he may as well go and see where they were on the spectrum of her anger.
Johanna was plucking the grocery store list off the refrigerator when he entered the kitchen in search of her. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"Going to the store," she said as she put the list in her purse. "I need to pick up the dry cleaning too; I'll do that first and then go get the groceries. I usually take Katie with me but I want to go on my own so I'll go while she's still with your mother."
"I'm going to be leaving soon," Jim stated, watching as she pulled on her coat.
"I know."
"Are you going to be back before I go? Zach is picking me up at eleven, remember?"
Johanna shrugged. "I don't know; depends on how long it takes me."
He stared at her for a long moment. "You're not going to be here when I leave?"
"I told you I don't know if I'll be back in time. If I'm not, you'll be spared that goodbye scene that you hate…because you know, if you don't want one with your four-year-old daughter, then I'm sure you don't want one with me either…which is why you don't want us to take you to the train station. So, if I'm not back when Zach gets here to pick you up, be careful and have a safe trip."
Jim's jaw tightened. "Is that your way of saying you don't want me to call and tell you that I got there safely?"
She smiled a little. "No, I'm going to leave that decision up to you. If you want to call and tell me, by all means, do so. If not, that's fine too; I'm not asking you to call and tell me though…that's something a mother would do and remember, I'm too much of a mother and not enough of a wife, so since I'm not your mother, the decision is yours to make because your wife isn't asking you to report in; she knows how much you dislike her need to know things and consider even the slightest thing as 'nagging', so no, dear, I'm not nagging you for calls. It's up to you. If you would like to call your daughter before she goes to bed, you're welcome to do so…remember that you'll be in same time zone this time and that her bedtime is eight. If you choose not to, I'll do what I always do when you don't call her, I'll kiss her for you and tell her that you love her."
Anger flickered in his eyes. "Why are you doing this, Johanna?"
"To show you that I listened to what you said," she replied. "You don't like the so called goodbye scenes which is why you didn't want to pick up Katie, it's why you changed the plans and don't want us to take you to the train station. I'm just doing what you wanted and doing away with the goodbye scene. I thought you'd be happy."
"You're doing it to be a smartass," he retorted.
"No, I'm doing it because you pissed me off when you said you didn't want to see your daughter before you left town," Johanna seethed. "You don't want to see her cry…well she cries because she loves you, you jackass. She loves her daddy and she misses him when he's not around. What if, God forbid, something happened? Would you really want Katie to remember that the last memory she has of you is you yelling at her mother? Because the last time she saw you last night, we were fighting…and you left without saying goodbye to her then too. Do you think she doesn't notice that? Is that what you'd want her to remember? That her daddy was yelling at her mother and didn't even bother to say goodbye?"
"Don't talk like that!" Jim yelled. "What are you trying to do, jinx me with talk like that?"
"No, I'm trying to give you a dose of reality."
"I know what reality is," he retorted. "You just want to be dramatic as always."
Johanna smiled as she hooked the strap of her purse over her shoulder. "Of course, honey; your dramatic, stupid, nagging wife. Have a safe trip; I hope you do well with your case. Katie and I won't want to overwhelm you with a homecoming scene so have one of your buddies drop you off when you get back…after all, I'll be busy ruining my career and Katie will probably be busy baking cookies with her grandma so we just won't have time to pick you up. I'm sure you understand."
"I never said you were stupid," Jim said tersely.
"Not that exact word but I feel like it's been implied a few times. I'll see you when you get back," she told him as she snatched her keys off the counter and headed for the backdoor.
"Johanna, wait," he said firmly.
She paused at the door. "What for?"
"You're really just going to go and not be here when I leave?"
"Yeah," she said with a nod. "I am. I packed your suitcases, everything you need is accounted for, I double checked when we got home and carried them down and sat them by the door. You went in the office when we got home so I'm sure you have your briefcase packed. I brought you home extra money from the bank Friday to make sure you had enough in your wallet, plus made sure you put a check or two in it just in case. You have your credit cards. Make sure you have your keys before you go…in case I wouldn't be home to let you in when you get back."
"Jo," he sighed.
"What?"
"You're not going to kiss me goodbye? You're not going to say you love me?"
Johanna laughed. "Why should I? You stopped kissing me goodbye awhile back…and I only hear you say I love you when you know you've fallen into a deep hole and you're trying to dig your way out. I slept with you last night…I gave in because I was hurt and lonely and wanted to feel like you gave a damn about me for a few minutes…so consider that your goodbye, have a nice trip parting gift from me, Jim."
He moved toward her. "I thought you gave in because you love me."
"I do love you," she told him. "I'm just not sure that feeling is returned lately. Now I have to go; I should really get Katie picked up by noon so that your mother can get her things done."
He caught her elbow as she gripped the doorknob. "Jo…you know I love you."
"Yeah, sure."
He breathed deeply, lowering his head to try and capture her lips in a kiss but she turned her face, his lips landing against her cheek. "You're so damn stubborn, Jo," he murmured. "Kiss me goodbye if you're going to insist on not being here when I leave."
"You should be happy that you're going to get to leave in peace," she retorted. "It's what you wanted…and no, I'm not going to kiss you goodbye just so you can feel better. You went to Baltimore for three days in January and didn't kiss me goodbye so why does it suddenly matter? Could it be that guilt thing again? Well I don't want your affection out of guilt, Jim. I want it because you mean it…and this instance of yours right now, it has nothing to do with meaning it. It's your guilt. That's what our little romp was last night…you felt guilty and I was hurt and lonely…and yeah, maybe it made us feel better for a little while but it wasn't for the reasons I wish it had been…the reasons it should've been; because if we had gone out last night and had a nice time together and came home, had a drink and let things go like they always had on date night, then I'd know that you wanted me because you loved me…not out of guilt. I can see you opening your mouth to remind me that I went along with it without hesitation…and you're right, I did…because I wanted to be with you even if it was for the wrong reasons. Now let me go do my errands so I can pick up my kid and come home and get prepared for my week ahead."
"I'm sorry that I hurt you," Jim murmured. "It wasn't my intent and I wasn't with you last night just because I felt bad about breaking our plans. I wanted to be with you…for the reasons I always have. Why don't you just stay home and do your errands later?"
"No," she said softly with a shake of her head. "I want to do them now…and besides, you'll have a stress free departure this way."
"Johanna, I didn't say I didn't want you here when I left."
"Just our baby," she confirmed; "And that's fine, she's not here…and I'm not going to be here either…but don't worry, honey, I'll make it up to you one day when I have time."
Jim's jaw tightened and he slammed his fist against the doorframe in frustration, making her flinch as he did so. "Fine, Johanna. You want to be petty, go for it. Go do your precious errands and I'll wait for my ride in peace."
"Hey, I've been trying to give you peace, you're the one who keeps stopping me from going," she said as she jerked the door open. "Have a safe trip, I'll see you when you get back. I love you."
"Maybe I should start questioning the depths of your affection," he retorted.
"Go right ahead, you've got an hour to kill before Zach picks you up," she said with a smile. "Lock the door when you go."
"Johanna!" he said angrily as she pushed open the screendoor and stepped outside onto the back porch.
She ignored him, quickly pulling the door shut behind her and hurrying down the steps to get in her car. Jim jerked the door open and watched as she slid into the driver's seat and put the key in the ignition. She was really going to go, he thought to himself as she backed out of the driveway. He watched until she was out of sight and then slammed the door, stalking to the refrigerator and taking out a beer. She had really done it…well that was fine; he didn't like those goodbye scenes. Now he could leave without them making him feel guilty and yet as he cracked open his beer, he felt a sense of loneliness wrap around him. He shrugged it off; it was better this way just like he had told her…just like he was going to convince himself it was.
As Johanna pulled up in front of her in-laws home, she glanced at her watch and cringed a little seeing that it was now noon. She hoped Elizabeth wouldn't be angry with her for leaving Katie for so long; after all, her mother-in-law probably had her own things to do. She sighed a little as she got out of the car; she would've been there hours ago if it hadn't been for Jim and his need to avoid saying goodbye to their child. A flicker of anger raced through her veins, at war with the ache in heart. She had made sure that her errands took her long enough that she wouldn't be back in time before he left…and when she had taken the groceries and dry-cleaning home at eleven-thirty, him and his suitcases were gone. In his absence, she allowed herself to cry the tears he didn't want to see…the ones of frustration…of anger…anguish…love…loneliness. Now she'd have the task of telling Katie that her father had left without giving her a hug or a word of goodbye. She wasn't looking forward to the task…nor was she looking forward to a possibly angry mother-in-law.
Johanna breathed deeply as she made her way up the steps of the porch and knocked on the door. After a few moments, footsteps sounded and the door opened, revealing Elizabeth Beckett on the other side. "I'm sorry," Johanna said before the older woman could say a word.
Elizabeth's brow rose. "Sorry for what?"
"That I'm so late picking her up," she said as she stepped into the entry way. "You probably have things to do."
"We didn't have a set time for you to pick her up," Elizabeth reminded her. "And I told you yesterday that I wasn't going to church today…because I didn't want to get roped into working that bake sale again."
"I know…but it's noon…."
Elizabeth shook her head. "I'm not worried about the time…I was starting to worry a little though because I hadn't heard from you or Jimmy. What time does he leave?"
Johanna scoffed. "He already left."
"What do you mean he already left? How could he go without seeing Katie?"
"Oh he did it easily enough."
Elizabeth eyed her. "How did your evening go last night?"
A hint of a bitter smile touched her lips. "It was fine."
"Really? Because last night, Katie couldn't sleep at first because she was upset…she told me Mommy and Daddy had been yelling and that Daddy went to work and her Mommy was sad. She was also sad that her Daddy had changed his mind about letting her see the trains before he left."
Johanna's eyes closed for a moment as she tried to choose the right words. "I'm sorry that Katie gave you trouble last night. She was excited to spend the night with you and Jim told her she could anyway even though our plans were canceled. I didn't want to disappoint her."
"She wasn't any trouble; she just needed an extra story and little extra attention, nothing to get up in arms over. She went to sleep easily enough after she got it off her chest."
She breathed deeply. "I hated that she walked into the middle of our argument. I didn't want her to have to see or hear it."
"Those things happen, Johanna. Everyone has seen their parents argue at one time or another."
"I know…but I know it upset her. That's why I had to bring her over anyway. I did go out for awhile but I went by myself because he had to go to some last minute meeting."
Elizabeth shook her head. "That promotion was the worst thing they could've given him. That's all he thinks about anymore!"
"I know…and then he comes home and says he'll make it up to me, that we'll go out to breakfast…so we go out to breakfast and we fought through half of it…and when I suggested that we pick up Katie after breakfast, he said no…that he'd rather I wait until after he left because he didn't want to do the goodbye scene because she cries. We went home, we argued some more…and I left so he didn't have to have a goodbye scene with me either. That's why I'm late."
"That boy," Elizabeth said tersely. "He needs to get his head out of his ass."
"That's going to be hard to do, he's got it wedged up there pretty far."
"I bet I could yank it out if I could get my hands on him," her mother-in-law replied.
"I tried to get him here…."
"He can't hide from me forever," Elizabeth said firmly.
"Maybe you should call his office and schedule an appointment," Johanna remarked. "But then again, he plans to see me and then doesn't so…."
"Men," the older woman declared. "They just think their work is everything and you should understand it and get over it."
"That seems to be the general consensus," Johanna remarked as tears stung her eyes. "You know on my last anniversary where you adjusted your assessment of how long my marriage would last?"
"Yes," Elizabeth said with a nod.
"You said we wouldn't make it to ten…well…I think you might need to round down. I don't think we're going to make seven if you want the truth."
"You know I don't really mean it, don't you?" her mother-in-law asked.
"I know…it's just our thing…but there's just this sick feeling in my stomach that we're not going to get through this."
"You can get through it; he just has to meet you halfway."
"I'm not sure he wants to in all honesty, Liz. We're just in his way as he climbs that ladder…and he said this morning he's doing it all for us, that we can have everything we want…and all we want is him and all he wants is more."
"Don't go down without a fight, Johanna."
"Mommy!" Katie exclaimed, bounding down the stairs before Johanna could answer.
"Hi, baby," she said, conjuring up a smile as she lifted her daughter into her arms for a tight hug. "Did you have fun with Grammy and Grandpa?"
"Uh huh; I got sprinkles on my ice cream."
"I bet that was good."
"And Grammy made me pancakes that looked like a flower," Katie told her. "She read me extra stories last night too. I like Grammy's hair when it's down; it looks like mine."
Johanna smiled. "Grammy's hair is very pretty like yours; especially when she wears it down."
"It gets in the way," Elizabeth stated. "You ought to know, your hair is long."
"I do know," she replied. "But it is pretty when it's down…gives you a bit of a softer look."
"I can't look soft at the garden club," Elizabeth said with a huff.
"Well of course not, not with Virginia Conway around; you have to wear the armor to deal with her," Johanna stated.
A hint of a smile tipped Elizabeth's lips upwards. "I would love to take her down."
"You took her down in the gingerbread house contest."
"That's not the takedown I meant."
She nodded; catching her drift. "Got it…I have a list of people I'd like to take down as well."
"Mommy," Katie said, drawing her attention back to her. "Grandpa said he'll take me to see the trains soon."
"Did he?"
"Uh huh. He said me and him and Grammy will go on the train."
"We told her we'd take a little day trip one day while she's here," Elizabeth spoke up. "We'd be back before you got off work."
Johanna nodded. "That sounds like fun, sweetheart."
"Where's Daddy?" Katie asked. "Is he still at work?"
She sighed a little; now was the moment she had been dreading. "Daddy already left for his trip, Katie."
Her daughter stared at her for a moment, her small hand toying with her hair. "Daddy went on the train?"
She nodded. "Yes, Baby, Daddy already left on the train."
Katie's lower lip trembled and the tears came as she sank against her mother. "But I didn't get to hug him," she cried.
"I know," Johanna murmured as she held her tightly. "But he told me to tell you that he loves you very much."
"Why did he go before I got to hug him?" her daughter cried.
"Uncle Zach picked him up earlier than he thought he would," she lied, hating herself as she did so…and a small part of her hating her husband for putting her in this situation.
"But I didn't get to tell him about my ice cream and that Grandpa's going to take me on the train."
Johanna rubbed Katie's back as she cried against her shoulder. "You can tell him when he calls you on the phone."
"But I wanted to see Daddy!"
She murmured soft words to her daughter as Elizabeth smoothed a hand over Katie's hair. "Daddy will be back before long," Elizabeth told her.
"He'll just go away again," Katie sobbed. "Mommy, you 'member when Daddy used to stay with us every day?"
Her heart ached. "Yes, baby, I remember. Daddy doesn't want to leave you…but he has to go to other places to do his work now."
"Why?"
"Because…he's good at his work so his boss needs him to go to other places and work there for people who need his help."
"I miss him."
"I know, sweetheart; I do too. I think Grammy probably misses him too because she doesn't get to see him much now that he travels a lot for work."
"That's right," Elizabeth said, taking her cue. "I miss him too."
Katie sniffled. "Is he going to call us, Mommy?"
She couldn't offer a guarantee that he would but she had to soothe her child somehow. "I'm sure he will. He'll know that you're sad that you didn't get to see him before he left so I bet he'll call before bedtime."
"He will?"
"I think he will," Johanna said with a nod as Katie lifted her head to look at her. "But guess what, I went to the store before I came to get you and I got you a new book…and it's a big girl book, it's longer than your other stories."
"A big girl book?" Katie repeated, her eyes brightening.
"Yes; it's called Amelia Bedeila."
"Oh, your cousin Angie loved Amelia Bedelia books," Elizabeth stated. "They were her favorite when she was little."
"What's Melia Delia about?" Katie asked.
Johanna smiled at her mispronunciation and didn't bother to correct her for the moment. "It's about a lady who gets into all kinds of funny situations."
"They are funny," Elizabeth agreed. "I think you'll like it and the next time you see Angie you can talk to her about it; I bet you'd like that."
"Uh huh, I like talking to Angie."
"I know she likes it too," Elizabeth replied. "She might even have some of her old Amelia Bedelia books tucked away somewhere that she might share with you."
"There's more!?" Katie asked.
"Yes," her grandmother said with a nod. "I used to get her one for her birthday. So if you like it, which I think you will, we'll see if Angie still has hers and maybe she'll let you borrow them."
"Okay, Grammy. Mommy, can we read it tonight?"
"Of course, silly; that's why I bought it," she said as she kissed her forehead before sitting her on her feet. "Let's get your stuff together so we can go home."
"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
Katie looked up at her with pleading eyes. "Can we have pizza with ronis on it for dinner?"
Johanna smiled, brushing her hand over her daughter's head. "You know what, we can. We're sad today and we need a pick me up so we'll order a pepperoni pizza and breadsticks…and maybe after your bath, we'll have some cookies."
"Chocolate chip!?"
"Of course, they're the best ones," she replied.
"I've got all of her things in her bag," Elizabeth said as she led them to the living room. "I double checked to make sure Bunny is in there."
Johanna nodded. "That's always appreciated. Thanks for babysitting."
"It wasn't a problem," Elizabeth said as she checked the bag a third time just to be sure that her granddaughter's stuffed bunny was still inside. She was upset enough with the absence of her father, she didn't need further distress.
"Grammy, what are we going to do when I come back?" Katie asked.
"Oh we'll find something to do, don't you worry," Elizabeth told her.
"Give Grammy hugs and kisses," Johanna told her daughter as she picked her small coat up from the back of the sofa. "Where's Robert, Liz?"
"Oh he went over to Howard's to see his new car," she said with an air of disgust. "Howard only invites him over to show off…and then Robert will be on a kick about getting himself a new car even though the one he has isn't very old."
"Men and their toys," Johanna remarked.
Her mother-in-law nodded as she hugged Katie. "Oh I know; they're sometimes worse than children with theirs."
"Love you, Grammy," Katie said as she kissed her grandmother.
"I love you too; you have fun eating your pizza and reading your new story. I'll see you Tuesday."
"We'll be here," Johanna said as she put Katie's coat on her.
"Let me know if you hear from Jimmy," Elizabeth stated.
"Oh I will," she replied. "If he calls, I'll give him your regards."
Elizabeth smirked a little. "Tell him when I see him he'll be getting more than just my regards."
Johanna smiled while gathering up Katie's bag and taking her daughter's hand. "I hope I get to watch."
The older woman nodded. "You can be front row center."
"Thinking about that might be enough to hold me together for the rest of the day," Johanna admitted.
"Whatever works…believe me, I know…I've been there before."
"That's the only thing that gives me hope at the moment…that you've been there and got out of it somehow without the need of a lawyer," she told her.
"Yeah, well…those were different times and it was frowned upon," Elizabeth replied.
"True…but still."
Elizabeth nodded. "It'll be alright…he's just got to have a long hard fall to remember who he is."
"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of," Johanna said softly as she led Katie to the door.
That evening, Jim sat his glass of scotch on the nightstand before he opened the suitcase he had placed on the bed. He blew out a breath, this was the one part he hated most of all, having to pack and unpack…but of course, he only had to pack when it was time to leave. Johanna always packed for him before his trips if he gave her enough notice. Her touch was easy to see in the neat stacks of clothing, carefully arranged and packed tightly together to prevent shifting. His fingers brushed across the clothing for a moment, thinking about her carefully placing each item, the concentration that would've creased her brow as she made everything fit just right. A soft sigh crossed his lips; she had kept her word…she had left and still hadn't returned when Zach came to pick him up that morning…and he hadn't bothered to call and tell her that he arrived safely. Instead, he had dropped his bags in his room and then went and had an early dinner with his colleagues…but now he was alone, the unpacking to be done and he couldn't help but think back on it all.
She just didn't get it, he thought to himself as he began to put his clothes away. She just didn't get that his new position meant that sometimes he couldn't be there as much as he had been. She didn't get that he couldn't just say no to a meeting because she wanted to be taken out for the evening. She didn't seem to understand that after six years of marriage and one child that her fairy tale ideals should be long behind her. His wife seemed needy lately…needy and demanding, so desperate to keep things the way they used to be when they both knew it couldn't be that way anymore. She wanted to fuss and cling…be a mother hen like she was to Katie and it was the last thing he wanted or needed. Jim shook off those thoughts, dwelling on them did him no good. She didn't understand him lately and he didn't understand why she had to be so damn bullheaded. They used to be so in sync and now they weren't. He didn't know how to fix it…didn't have the time to fix it at the moment even if he did know. It would be so much easier if she'd just realize that everything he was doing he was doing for them.
Jim took a sip of his drink and continued unpacking his clothes until he picked up a few shirts and found two envelopes and two small boxes beneath them. Puzzlement furrowed his brow as he laid the shirts aside and sat down on the edge of the bed. The first envelope had 'Daddy' scrawled across it and he carefully opened it, pulling out the white construction paper card. The front was covered in heart stickers, wobbly letters spelling out Happy Valentine's Day Daddy in pink crayon. He smiled a little, opening the card to find his daughter's pink painted handprint on one side and the words Love Katie on the other, a five dollar bill falling into his lap. Confusion flicked across his face as he picked up the money, his gaze finding Johanna's elegant script at the bottom of his card. "Katie wants her Daddy to buy his favorite dessert for Valentine's Day with this money. The slightly bigger box is her gift to you."
Jim picked up the larger of the two small jewelry sized boxes and untied the red ribbon, lifting the lid and finding a pack of baseball cards and a few miniature candy bars. He smiled, his gaze moving back to the pink handprint in the card, his heart suddenly aching as he laid his own hand against it. His baby girl…she always picked him a baseball related gift and would bounce on her toes waiting for him to tell her that it was just what he wanted. She wouldn't get to do that this time; he wouldn't see that anxious look on her face, the need for approval in her eyes and the excitement that would glitter when he told her she chosen wisely. Regret welled up within him…he hadn't even hugged his baby before he left. He hadn't wanted to see her cry…he had thought it was the right thing to do; but now he ached to gather her up in his arms and hold her tightly, kiss her chestnut colored curls…open the pack of baseball cards and tell her about each player as she sat on his lap and ate one of his candy bars. His eyes closed, emotion tugging at him unexpectedly. He should've seen her before he left, whether she cried or not. He hadn't said goodbye to her before she went to his mother's either…and Friday night he had chastened her for being loud while he was on the phone. He shouldn't have left her that way. She'd think he didn't care and that was the last thing he wanted.
He sighed deeply and laid Katie's gift and card aside and opened the next one that had his wife's handwriting on it.
"Happy Valentine's Day to my Husband," the card read in flowing red script. He opened it, items falling into his lap but his eyes were drawn to her handwriting instead of the verse on the card.
"I love you, Jim. I know you don't really believe it but I do and I always have. Hard times can't change my feelings for you, I hope you know that. I'm not entirely sure that they haven't changed your feelings for me, but my love for you is still as strong as it was the day I married you. Don't get mad about the money in the card; Katie and I want to buy you dinner for Valentine's Day even though we can't be with you…and you'll find in her card a few dollars for dessert because as always, that's the most important part of a special meal in her mind and she wanted to provide it for you. She gets that dessert thing from her daddy, you know? I hope you'll like your gifts; I admit that for the first time in a very long time, I was unsure of what to get you. It's a feeling I'm unaccustomed to so if you don't like the gifts, I'll return them when you get home and I'll get you something else. Be careful in Vermont. I know you think I'm silly for worrying when you're away but I can't help it, I do…so be careful. I hope your case goes well. Katie and I will be waiting for you when you get home. Love Always, Johanna.
Jim picked up the money that had fallen into his lap and the scraps of paper that he found to be tickets to a car show in the spring that he had always wanted to go to. He picked up the small box and opened it, finding a silver monogramed tie tack that was engraved with an elegant B. She worried that he wouldn't like his gifts…and he hadn't even remembered to give her her gift. He squeezed his eyes shut once more; remorse spreading through him. He hadn't gotten her a card…her gift was unwrapped and shoved in the back of his desk drawer at home. Her Valentine meal had been canceled because he had felt his meeting was more important. His make up offer of breakfast had turned sour. He had screwed it all up…just like he had done for her birthday. God, why did she even stick around with an idiot like him? Jim wondered as he tucked the tickets and money back into the envelope. Why had he picked a fight with her? Why did he have to leave with them on bad terms. What was he supposed to do now?