A/N: Thanks for the reviews, guys, you totally rock! I really love writing this story, it's quickly becoming one of my favorites and Chris isn't even alive lol. I hope everyone is enjoying it as well and I hope you enjoy the chapter and reviews are definitely wanted and hoped for, even if it's just a few words, they help me to want to write more! Anyways, I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. :)
I wish I could tell Chris to tell me what's going to happen in my future. I know that technically he "works" for me, if that's the correct word. Well, I guess he actually works for God so he doesn't really work for me, but he helps me and he follows me around so I'm kind of like a boss for him, middle management maybe. God's obviously the big boss, but I can be a minor boss, right? Why am I even thinking this? I think I'm still trying to wrap my mind around Chris's involvement in my life.
"Chris?" He's been watching me work. I've learned to be okay with his gaze because it's not really like a gaze, it's just like…I wish I knew how to explain it actually. It's like he's just there and his eyes are like my own eyes watching me. It's like I know gaze because it feels like my on gaze. That makes no sense to me when I say it out loud, but suffice it to say that his gaze doesn't bother me, not any more.
"Yes?" he asks, but he has a tone to his voice that tells me he knew I was going to ask him that all along.
"Paul asked me out again," I tell him, like he wasn't there to see it. I'm acting conversational with him, like he's a friend I just ran into and I'm relaying the events of my day.
"I know," he tells me and of course he does, he was there, he saw it all happen.
"Are you sure you can't tell me what's going to happen in my future?" I decide to go with the nice and easy approach, hoping that because I'm doing it that way, he might tell me what I want to hear.
"I'm pretty sure a person isn't supposed to know their own future, no."
"What would it hurt, just this once?"
"If I tell you what's going to happen, you're going to try and change it, I know you, Stephanie. I've been around you long enough to know that you want to take control of any situation that you're in. If I tell you what's going on, what might happen as I don't know the full details, you are going to try and change your own future, which could end up hurting you even more."
"How could it hurt me even more?"
"Because in order to avoid whatever it is you need to avoid you're going to have to change something and that could cause a ripple effect. I'm not going to let that happen. Stop worrying, I won't let anything happen to you."
He says it in such a way that I have to believe him. It's very curious the way he changes tone. I suspect it's a tone he's used on me on countless occasions that I have forgotten, yet, they still bring a rise of warmth into me. "I know you wouldn't, not until it's time."
"Not until it's time," he echoes.
"Which is very, very far down the road."
"Very far down the road," he echoes again and I know he's trying to sound like he's just repeating what I'm saying, but I can tell that he means what he says and that I'm not going any place for a while.
"Well, back to the issue at hand, Paul has asked me out again."
"Yes, he has and you've already made up your mind on what you want to do with that situation so why don't you go tell him that you're going to go out with him again so he can commence with coming up with even more boring topics of conversation."
"He wasn't boring," I protest.
"Stephanie, the man talked for 35 minutes, 12 seconds, and 36 milliseconds about body building. Now, I'm not exactly well-versed in everything, but from what I know of that particular activity, it is quite boring."
"It wasn't boring," I tell him, but he can read me like a book, I know he can. It was pretty boring. I never knew Paul had such an interest in bodybuilding, but I should have figured. I'm not trying to say anything against Joanie or anything, but well, she was a type and I guess that he is a type as well and I'm not getting into this anymore, he just likes bodybuilding.
"You were bored."
"Well, even if I was," I tell him, "this will be our second date so it's going to be different."
"How is it going to be different?" he asks me. "Is he going to talk about the World's Strongest Man competitions?"
I laugh. "Are all guardian angels as sarcastic and downright mean as you are? Are you sure you work for the guy up there?" I ask, pointing towards the ceiling. "Because I'm starting to think you actually work for the guy down there." I point to the floor this time.
"You can rest assured, I'm not Mephistopheles in disguise or anything," he tells me. "And as for guardian angels, we're like people, we vary. I have to imagine God gets a little bored making the same thing over and over again so he mixed it up with us just like people."
"I can't imagine God getting bored."
"Well not bored in the way you think of bored, just, well, I mean, would you want everyone to be exactly the same? No, so why should angels all be exactly the same."
"So there are others like you out there, other angels who like to antagonize?"
"Stephanie, I'm only speaking the truth. I mean, I remember everything about the date, every word he said. I could recite all 35 minutes, 12 seconds, and 36 milliseconds of it. In fact, my favorite part was when he said that the self-tanner really helped to accentuate the muscles and that's why they tend to wear a lot of it and that they have personal tanner people who rub it all over these guys."
"Chris," I giggle. "Shut up, he was just explaining the rules to me."
"Oh, of course, the rules. I just imagine him sitting in his house, videotapes filled with competitions, holding a bottle of self-tanner in one hand and a little pennant in the other, waving it around and cheering the guys on. Maybe he does this at the actual competitions, I don't know."
"You're so mean!" I tell him, but I'm laughing because I can't help but think it's funny. "You know, if I didn't know any better, I would say that you were jealous of him. I mean, I know you're not because you're an angel and you're not human and everything, but if you were alive, I would tell you that you're jealous."
"I'm incapable of feeling jealousy," he shrugs. "And even if I did, I don't think I'd be envious of him."
"Why not? And what exactly do you feel jealousy is?"
"It's just wanting something that you can't have or don't have, right?" he says and I nod. "I just don't think I'd be envious of him for anything. He's just…he seems like a very boring guy. I talked with his angel, Clyde, and he just had nothing but boring things to say, said his life was nothing exciting, not like he makes it out to be."
"Do you think my life has been exciting?"
"You're very exciting," he tells me kindly and kindness is definitely something he knows.
"If you were alive, you could be jealous that I was with him."
"What makes you think that if I were human I'd be interested in you?" he asks and he stumps me once again. I mean, I can't be sure. What if we'd never even met? That could've been a distinct possibility.
"Would you like to be alive?" I ask him curiously.
"No, I don't really do the whole wanting thing," he answers. I think it's so sad. He can't even want. In some ways, he's this compassionate, snarky, kind person-type thing and then on the other hand, he's so emotionless and wooden. He only knows words, no touches or anything, he's never touched anything in his entire life, never known the comfort of another person.
"But if you had a choice, would you?"
"I don't know," he tells me.
"I think we'd be friends," I tell him.
"You do?"
"I do," I nod.
"Even after you've yelled at me and called me a creepy stalker?"
"Well, that's different, you wouldn't have been following me all the time if we were both human. Maybe we'd even be together or something, I don't know. Maybe then you would be jealous of Paul for getting to date me."
He laughs at that, "I'm telling you, I wouldn't be jealous of a guy that there's nothing to be jealous about."
"So you're really understanding this whole jealousy thing, huh?"
"I don't think so. I just know of the concept, I'm not an expert on anything except you."
I don't know why that sentiment made me blush, but it did. I can feel my cheeks burning from what I know isn't a compliment, but it sure as hell feels like one. I know I shouldn't take too much stock in his words because well they're just words, but Chris only gets across what he means in words and he must mean them to a degree. His voice was even matter-of-fact when he said it, but it still bubbles up my stomach with emotion.
"Are you…blushing?" he asks me amusingly.
"No," I say defensively though there is no tangible way I can cover up my face to hide my embarrassment.
"Why are you blushing?" he asks me and I look at him, thinking that he's teasing me, mocking me for actually blushing over something he said, but when I look at him, he honestly looks curious, like he has no idea.
"No reason," I tell him. At least this way I can save a tiny bit of my dignity. What was I thinking anyways, blushing to something he was obviously very literal about? He does know everything about me, it isn't a matter of hyperbole or exaggeration, Chris, simply, knows every moment from my entire being.
"You think I don't realize you're lying through your teeth?" Chris chuckles. "Stephanie, I know you, what's up?"
I stare at him for a while. He's not translucent, no, if he were translucent, I think that it would be easier to know that he's not real, well, not real in the sense that I can't prove he's there to anyone else. He's real to me. But he's solid looking, like I can touch him or something, but I can't. I can't hug him and tell him thanks for watching out for me or anything like that, but I can see him. He's real to me. What he says is real to me.
"Nothing, I just, what you said…"
"Did I upset you?" he wonders and it's the farthest thing from upset.
"No, I just, if you were real and you said that to me, I don't know, I think I would take it in a very different way."
"Say what?"
"When you said the only thing you're an expert about is me," I answer.
"Oh, you…you liked that?"
"Yeah, I did. Just…if you were human, not my angel and you said that, I mean, I had a very human reaction to it, I blushed because it felt like a compliment and I know that you can probably compliment me, well, I don't know if you can, but either way, it felt like a compliment, but I know that you meant it in the more literal sense of you knowing everything about me, but if you weren't an angel, well, that'd just be about the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me."
He smiles at me, "You think so?"
"I know so…now are you going to tell me all the compliments I've received over the years so I can assess and you can prove that I've been told very sweet things and should appreciate them."
"No, I wasn't going to do that," he tells me and I'm kind of glad. "I'm happy that you liked what I said."
"Are you?" I ask him, "Are you really?"
"Yes, I am."
"Chris, are you sure you don't want to be real?" I have to ask, just for good measure.
Because maybe if he wants to be real, I won't feel so bad wishing that he could be real.
"Like I said, Steph, I don't want for anything."
"Oh, well, yeah, I mean, angels shouldn't be wanting things, I guess, you've got bigger things to worry about, like making sure your person doesn't go walking off a cliff or something," I ramble. "You know, I should probably get back to Paul about the date, he'll want to know, you know, so he can plan whatever it is he's planning."
"Yeah, of course, I bet he's going to take you to one of those bodybuilding things and I'll be stuck watching it. That's my idea of a fun time…for you, fun for me isn't really fun, I don't have fun, not that I mean I'm a grouch, but you know what I mean."
"I do. Don't worry, I'll make sure it's not one of those competitions or anything, I promise," I respond, taking him into consideration, but why should I? It's not like he'd really care. He doesn't care so why do I treat him like such a normal person? Why do I want him to be a normal person?
I'm starting to think these are ideas I don't want to explore.