A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, I love seeing what people think of this story. Anyways, I know some of you have been clamoring for an update, so I hope the wait was worth it. If you want to leave a review, I won't stop ya, enjoy! :)
No. No. No. NO!
He's killing me. He is absolutely killing me. I mean, I wasn't entirely sure what I was expecting when I asked if he was jealous. Best case scenario would have been him admitting that he was jealous or that he at least felt something when I told him about jealousy and all that. I shouldn't have expected more. What do I think is going to happen? That he'll confess his undying love for me? I can't even touch him so it wouldn't work in the first place. Even if we loved each other, we're not both human.
I just, I want him to feel something for me other than me being his charge or duty or worst of all, job. I know he loves me, that's not the problem, but he's supposed to love me. He was created for me so of course he loves me. I just want him to love me in a way that is not entirely chaste or innocent. But what's the point in the end? I can't have anything with him. I should just forget him and move on and be with Paul. I know if I ask Chris to leave again that he will and then I may finally be able to move on, it's just…I don't want him to go.
"Did you know if you think too hard that you start to lose part of your brain?" Chris tells me from where he's lounging (I guess that's what you can call it, he's not doing anything and he's "sprawled" over one of my chairs). I look over at him in curiosity.
"You do?"
Chris starts laughing and I scowl, "No!" he guffaws. "I'm kidding with you, come on, did you really think that you would start to lose part of your brain?"
"Shut up," I tell him. I don't think it's funny that he's teasing me, especially at a time like this when I feel so conflicted. Sure, he doesn't know why I'm so conflicted, but surely he can sense there's something wrong.
"You shouldn't tell an angel to shut up," he tells me and I look at him, eyebrow raised. "I've got connections, remember?" He points up towards the ceiling and raises both eyebrows.
"Yeah, like you're going to go run and tell God on me."
"I could, you know," he responds and he has me curious. "I mean, I'm not sure I'm necessarily supposed to tell you all our secrets because you're a very nosy girl, but if I wanted to go talk to God, I could do it in the blink of an eye, literally. I didn't want to say anything because I liked to keep up the whole angel mystique and everything, but if you're up there, time is inconsequential."
"I thought you weren't supposed to leave me."
"Would you believe there's a temp that comes in?" he asks and he's obviously joking, although the idea of a temp angel is kind of funny.
"No."
"Ahh, so you're not as gullible as you seem," he says, "but seriously, it takes one nanosecond, so infinitesimal a moment that you would never know I was gone."
"I think you're lying. What about that saying that things can happen in the blink of an eye?"
"Yeah, did God come up with that saying? Didn't think so," he points out to me. "Stephanie, there are a lot of things about me that you're not going to know or understand, it's better to just be simple about things. You ask too many questions."
"Because I'm sorry I want to know things!" I snap at him.
He's so calm sometimes and it always reminds me that he can't feel everything I can. If I let my ire rise up, he's just going to stay his calm self with that stupid calm demeanor and then I'm going to blow my lid and he'll laugh at me or even worse, go to heaven or wherever and put this on my permanent record. Then someday, when I die, they're going to pull out the file and "arguing with your angel" is going to be right at the top of the list and I'll be damned if I have to see his smug face at that moment while I'm waiting for entrance into the heavenly gates. I take a deep breath.
"Stephanie, there are things in this universe that you aren't going to understand, there are things that I'm not going to understand-"
"Like feeling," I interject.
"Like feeling," he agreed. "That's just how God has decided that things are going to work, but you have to trust in him."
"Don't you want to know those feelings that you miss?"
"You can't miss something you've never had."
"Have you ever wanted to be human?"
"No, too complicated and messy."
"Complicated and messy?"
I'm aghast at the way he said that. It wasn't with contempt or derision, he's not capable of that. It's not condescending, though I could easily turn it that way. It's just…sad that he thinks that. I'm sad that he thinks that. Yes, being human means that you're fraught with mistakes and choices and things do get sticky and there are highs and there are lows, but damn it, it's living and it's breathing and it's being in the moment and it's everything, really. It's nothing and it's everything and if it wasn't anything and if it was complicated and messy, then why did they all need protecting during it?
"Yes, you know how it is."
"No, I'm not sure," I tell him, wanting him to explain.
"Look at how angry you get or how depressed you get, look at other people, walking around, thinking their lives suck, it's no way to be," he says and I think I hate him in this moment, but then, he just doesn't know.
"Chris," I start, but then I stop, get up, walk over to the bed, sit on it and scoot as close to him as I can without sitting in him, which would be weird. I don't know why I always give him space, I could probably just sit on his invisible hand, but I just…it'd be too weird so I sit close enough to see his eyes, but not close enough to where it's weird. "You have no idea what living is like."
"I think I know a thing or two."
"You just know about what you see," I tell him. "I know you can feel emotions, but you only feel the good ones and sometimes…sometimes you have to feel the bad ones to appreciate the good ones. You've never felt any of it so you don't know. But God, Chris, if you did. I mean, yes, breaking up with someone, it's horrible and you feel awful, especially if you thought the person was the one. But then you find this other person and you fall in love and it makes it all so much sweeter because you went through all the crap to get there."
"So the bad stuff is then good?"
"I guess if you want to look at it that way. I mean, you're an angel, of course you're going to want to stay an angel," I say, even though it pains me to say it because I don't want him to be an angel. "But then, on the other hand, if you asked me to be an angel, I would have to turn you down because I like living."
"Fair enough," he tells me in that even tone of his. "So what's got you thinking so hard?"
He certainly is an expert at changing subjects, unfortunately this is one subject I can't broach with him. I sigh and lay down on the bed, facing him. "Just life, you know. I mean, you wouldn't know since you're an angel and we're all complicated and messy, but I guess mostly about Paul."
"He's been good to you," Chris points out to me and I look at him strangely. He must know what I'm thinking though because he continues, "Stephanie, I may think the guy is boring and not worthy of you, but he's still been good to you. He's been really good to you."
The only thing I latch onto in that sentence is the fact he thinks that Paul isn't worthy of me. I stretch that line in my head. I want to read Chris's body language, but I'm not entirely sure how to do that because his body is really just…it's an illusion is what it is. It's not real, I mean, it is real, but it's like, a vessel and he can't even feel certain things so body language is obsolete. Still, I look at that part of a sentence, that tiny segment and I work it over and over in my mind, looking at it from different angles. No matter which way I look at it, it's still the same sentence."
"You don't think he's worthy of me?" I ask, hope flittering in my chest, just a gentle rustle, but it's there just the same.
"Um, no, I believe I've told you this before," he says, tapping his chin playfully, like he's really thinking.
"But…but, why?" I try not to sound too eager, but maybe my face is giving me away. I wonder if that's one advantage of being an angel. I wonder if they know what they look like. I sometimes wish I could just see myself how others see me, if only for a moment. I want to guard my emotions, but I fear I put them all over my face and body, smearing them around like body paint.
"Are you kidding me with this one?" he scoffs. "I'm sorry, it's not like I don't like the guy. I like the guy, he's…he's good to you and he respects you and he treats you like a lady and he acts like a gentleman, which is more than I can about some of the guys I've seen out there who have looked at you like you're some kind of candy they want to eat or something."
"Guys out there?"
"Stephanie, I notice things that you don't notice," Chris tells me.
"You notice when other guys notice me?" I'm trying so hard not to smile right now, but I can feel the corners of my mouth tugging up.
"Yes, I notice when other guys notice you," answers Chris, "you think that I don't observe everything in your general vicinity. You have a lot of guys who would like to use you indelicately."
It's the way he says indelicately that nearly makes me melt. There's something so debonair and innocent in the way he says it. It's the fact that he uses the word indelicate, like I'm something to be treasured. I know he treasures me, but there's a masculinity behind it too that I can't readily explain. I want him to love me like that and perhaps I'm projecting, but it feels good to hear him say things that a man would say to the woman he loved. It's with a passion he says these things and though it might not be a passion I need, it's still a passion.
"But you think Paul is not worthy of me."
"To be quite frank, I haven't found one single man in your life that you've ever interacted with for more than two seconds to be worthy of you."
I feel like I'm being lit from the inside, like there's a hearth fire burning inside me and the warmth radiates out of my skin, but doesn't burn me. "Not a single one."
"Not a single one." Chris nods his head. "I don't know, I mean, Paul is good to you and he's good for you, you know, after some of the duds you insist on dating, but he's certainly not worthy of you."
"Is there someone worthy of me?" I know I'm hinting, but at this point, I could probably care less. "I mean, surely there's someone who is supposed to be worthy of me. I'm not supposed to be alone right. I don't think it would be going against the boss if you just tell me if there's someone worthy out there for me. I mean, just a hint or something?"
He appears to be thinking for a moment and it's like he's looking at something I can't see and I wonder if he's peering into my future right now. "I can't tell you that."
"Oh," I say, disappointed. "I mean, all you'd have to-"
"Stephanie, I can't tell you your future, okay?" he says and it's almost like he snaps at me, but surely he couldn't snap at me, he's an angel, he's not supposed to get mad at me. I clear my throat a little, embarrassed, and then try to change the subject. "You really think that nobody has been worthy of me yet? Why do you think that?"
"Because you're you."
"What do you mean by that?" I can feel something welling in my throat and I might choke on it if I'm not careful.
"Have you seen yourself, Stephanie?" This is the most "human" I think he's ever been. He feels different.
"I don't know what you mean?" I prod.
"You're beautiful for one," he starts.
"You have to think I am."
"You're the most beautiful girl in the world," he tells me, continuing on, "you're smart and you're funny and you've got this temper thing going that gives you depth and everything. You're pretty amazing is what I'm saying so no, no guy has ever been worthy of you."
I think there is one guy actually…