"This is nice, don't you think?"
For someone else, it might have been. For anyone else it might have been the pinnacle of romance, but I'm still left feeling somewhat cold and it's not from the weather. My hand is tightly clasped with Paul's, but I don't feel nearly the amount of warmth I do when I'm even close to Chris. I should let Paul be my anchor to the real world, pull me back from wherever my mind wanders when it thinks about Chris. I know that Paul is waiting for my answer so I think of something fast.
"Yeah, it is nice."
"Sometimes I feel like I never get to see you," he tells me and it's with a note of sadness to it, like he really wants to spend more time with me, but I'm never there for him and he's absolutely right. I've been pulling away and for no other reason than I'd rather spend my time with someone that doesn't really exist in my dimension.
"I'm sorry, I've just been so busy lately," I respond, trying to sound remorseful. "With the added the responsibility my father has been giving me, I guess I've just been MIA and I apologize for that."
"Good girl," Chris whispers in my ear, "now you two can go be lovey-dovey."
I want to tell him to shut up, but I know I can't, not with Paul right there. I don't want to be lovey-dovey with Paul and I feel like I'm just going through the motions with him now. I want someone, I just don't want Paul, but what's the alternative? Telling Chris I love him and never being able to be with him, loving an angel for all time and wishing to die? I've got to get my head in the game, but I just feel like I'm constantly getting pulled into this other world.
"You don't have to apologize," he tells me, "I get that you're busy and everything and I never have a problem with that, just wish I could see you more often than when we're at work. It's kind of weird, I mean, I know that I'm traveling a lot, but with our off days, we live so close to each other, you'd think we'd see each other more."
"We're not that close," I tell him, "you're in New Hampshire a lot of the time and that's a good four hour drive from where I am so it's not entirely that close, I mean, sure it's closer than say if you lived in Florida like a lot of the wrestlers, but just in general, I mean, it's not that close."
"Smooth, Steph, smooth," Chris tells me with a chuckle.
"Um, yeah," Paul says, a little put off by my rant it seems. I was just saying though, it's not like I'm purposely going out of my way to not be around him on our off days, not really. He's in New Hampshire and that's not close, it's just not. "I was actually thinking of getting a place in Connecticut, maybe in Stamford or somewhere close."
"Why?" I ask immediately, then realize how harsh that came out and I scale it back a bit, "I mean, that's just such a serious decision, to move, you know what I mean. I would hope that you're not doing it for me or anything because I wouldn't want you to uproot your life for me."
"I mean, partly for you, I'm not going to lie, but it'd be closer to the WWF headquarters and I like that aspect of it as well."
"But you don't actually work in Titan Towers," I say, deflecting away from him actually moving to Connecticut to be around me. When did we get that serious? I didn't realize we were in the stage of our relationship where we're suddenly moving closer to each other. I sincerely hope that he's not hinting that he wants to move in with me. For one, I'm definitely not ready to move in with anyone, especially not Paul. We haven't been going out for that long and just…then I think that if I have someone around me all the time like that, I won't get to talk to Chris. I'll have to sneak into bathrooms or closets to get a moment with him.
"I know, but I still think it would be good to live close. There's really nothing tethering me to New Hampshire."
"Isn't that where your parents live?" I ask, remembering that he had mentioned that.
"Yeah, but who wants to live around their parents…and as soon as that came out of my mouth I remembered that you live near your parents," he says embarrassedly and I laugh because it is funny and a little cute.
"Well, I need to be close to them because I do occasionally work at Titan," I tell him, "but I'm not going to say not move or move or whatever, it's always up to you, not me, of course, because it's you who would be moving."
I'm not sure I'm even making sense anymore, but he doesn't seem to mind as he kisses me on the cheek. Chris is making kissing noises in my other ear and even though I know he won't feel it and I won't feel him, I shove my arm where his stomach should be. "Really, Stephanie, now you're trying to hit me? An angel, you're trying to hit an angel? You know God keeps a permanent record and it's called my memory bank and you can for sure bet that's going to come up at some point."
He knows I can't say anything and that it's killing me that I can't argue with him. I know because when I briefly glance over at him, he has a smirk on his face that I wish I could wipe right off. "So I guess this is where I get off," Paul tells me as we stop in front of the locker room. "The guys are probably in there. I know that…I know what you said and I don't want you to feel awkward."
"Thanks," I respond and I am a little grateful that I don't have to hang around his stupid friends. Chris looks like he's relieved too. I guess as my guardian angel he can pick up on the fact that none of Paul's friends seem to like me. I don't monopolize Paul's time or act like a twit in front of them so I'm not sure where the animosity comes from, but maybe they're all bitter that they don't have anyone, I don't know nor do I care.
"Anything for you," he tells me and he sounds so sweet and sincere. I feel for him and I lean up and kiss him, ignoring anything Chris might be saying right now. Of course, the moment I try to stop thinking about Chris is the moment I wonder if his lips are as soft as they look. They probably are because angels are these pretty perfect beings and so his lips are probably perfect for kissing, not that they'll ever get to do that, but damn, what a shame that he can't be kissed properly. "I'll see you later?"
"We work together, you're going to have to see me whether you like it or not," I wink at him and he seems happier now that I'm around and actually paying attention to him. I feel bad for Paul. Sometimes I see him as this little puppy dog, begging for my scraps and being ecstatic over whatever little I give him. That's probably the worst thing I can do, let him beg for whatever I'll give. I know I'm using him to get over a man I can never have and he doesn't deserve that, but I never claimed to be an angel myself. I may have one, but I don't act like one and is it so wrong to just want someone to ease the hurt that I feel over not being able to be with Chris? I don't think that's so bad, certainly not a criminal offense.
"Then I'll see you later."
"Of course you will," I lean up and give him a brief peck on the lips before finding my dressing room for the evening. I was there earlier, but Chris was teasing me about something, I don't remember what and I've lost my bearings in the arena.
"Need help?" Chris asks and I nod and he leads me straight to my dressing room. Angels are good for something practical it seems. "So things seem to be going better between you and Paul."
"I guess you can say that," I shrug, not wanting to give a clear answer though I'm sure Chris can read my body language. When you have a whole lifetime stored up in your mind of someone, you're bound to be able to tell when someone is trying to avoid the subject.
"He's not a bad guy, Steph, I mean, you could do worse, like that grease-pit Sean Waltman. I've got to ask Paul's guardian angel why Paul stays friends with that loser," Chris said, hovering over a chair and leaning back on it. "Now, I don't throw around the word loser a lot, let me tell you, but when it fits, it fits."
"I would never date Sean."
"Good thing too. That guy has got quite the ego on him. Maybe I'll ask his guardian angel if it's all an act. God, I'd hate to be stuck with someone like him. It makes me pray in thanks every day that I got someone as amazing as you."
"Thanks," I tell him, leaving it at that. Too many times I think I pry and try to get words that I know aren't coming. I should just stop trying and then maybe they'll come. "But maybe he's different."
"Doesn't mean that I'd want to be his guardian angel," Chris says, "not that I'd really have a choice, I guess, I'm not sure what the criteria is for angel selection such as it were. I just kind of got you in some weird twist of fate, not that I'm complaining. I know that we're all supposed to love mankind, not Mick Foley…" Damn, he knew what I was going to say, "but I just don't like that guy."
"And here you're supposed to love all of God's creatures."
"Yeah, right, uh huh, sure," Chris say sarcastically as he rolls his eyes, "I have opinions too-"
"I've become well-aware of the phenomenon, yes," I interrupt and when he glares at me, I just shrug carelessly and then laugh at myself for trying to appear coy. "Sorry, go on, you have opinions to and…"
"And I just don't like him. I just don't like that he doesn't like you. I know and understand that humans feel pettiness and jealousy and all those negative things and that they have their enemies, but I'm sorry, I'm an angel and more specifically your angel so I'm damn well going to think that everyone should like you."
"Instead of knowing that millions of people hate me?"
"No, they don't! They hate a character that you portray, there's a big difference and I'm sticking too that," Chris nodded. "I don't see why anyone would hate you, you're a good person with a big heart. If Sean doesn't like that kind of person then I don't want to know what kind of people he does like."
"Probably people like him or people that will suck up to him."
"And that's what I don't get, that guy has fans. I mean, talk about riding someone's coattails. The guy isn't even that good a wrestler if you ask me."
"You know wrestling that intimately?"
"Um, hello, I've been around it as long as you have, plus I've always been cognizant, so all those lectures about wrestling your dad gave you when you were under a year old, they're all stored up in here, thank you very much," he says, tapping his head.
"Wouldn't it be cool if I could project memories from your brain?"
"You mean like a slide projector?"
"Or like a movie, slide projector, what are you, from the 50's?"
"I don't have the need for technology, work for God over here, he provides me with all the tools I could ever possibly need," he tells me. "Why would I need a phone, who am I going to call? I don't have parents, I don't have family, I don't have some angel girlfriend waiting for me at home and I certainly don't have angel kids because talk about depressing."
I laugh, he's so absurd sometimes, "You're so weird."
"I'm just stating the truth," he tells me, "I'm not up on the newest fads around your world. I might if you were some kind of salesman or something, but since you're not, I don't know so…a movie projector then?"
"Never-mind," I roll my eyes and he's laughing at me. "I'm just not going to talk to you for the rest of the evening, that's all."
"I can't project memories, I'm not a piece of equipment," he says.
"I'm going to talk to Paul," I don't know where that comes from, but because Chris and I are teasing each other back and forth, it felt right to try and make him jealous again, even though I've given up on that particular task. He's not going to be jealous no matter what I try so I might as well just not try.
"Okay, here we go again," Chris says, getting up and following me out the door. I walk quickly, like I can actually get ahead of him, but he's an angel, they can materialize and float and make my life miserable so he's constantly right there. I reach Paul's locker room and open the door without thinking, only to find that he isn't there, but that damn Sean is.
"Hello, Stephanie."