Hi, everybody! First of all this chapter and the next one are going to be pure Sinn smut, so prepare yourselves because I'm not very good at it. Secondly if Finn seems... dumber than on TV or in my other fics I do it mostly for comedic effect. Hey, anything for a laugh. As always reviews are welcome, along with comments or suggestions about anything you want me to write about. P.S. If Santana comes across as racist to the taxi drivers, I'm basically copy and pasting from stuff I've actually heard come out of a New York cab before.
Chapter Six: Spicy, or Ways Finn Tried to Spice Up His Sex Life
By Hikako
It wasn't really Finn's fault, nobody ever accused him of having an overabundance of brains before, but the magazine had just been sitting there on the little coffee table in the waiting room. Santana had asked him to (i.e. made him) take her to her doctor's appointment, then she disappeared into one of exam rooms for twenty minutes. They had been together for nearly four years, she should have known he was bound to get in trouble if unattended for that long. He hadn't meant to read anything when he first picked it up he just really liked the model on the cover, it was Vogue or Vanity or something weird like that started with a 'v,' and he always had a thing for exotic looking girls (hence the half-Puerto Rican girlfriend). He hoped to find more pictures so he flipped through a few pages before a picture of a couple cuddling in bed caught his attention, and then he read the caption for the article 'Spicing Up Boring Sex-Lives.'
Very slowly the wheels in Finn's head started to turn and he thought back to the last few months, Santana and him HAD kind of gotten into a routine with their sex-lives. Not that it wasn't awesome (it was Santana Lopez after all) but maybe, he thought to himself, this magazine was right and they needed to change things up. What if Santana got bored and dumped him? That thought alone made him stomach clench and his heart almost stop. Finn knew his strengths and weaknesses, or rather he had overheard as Santana giggled to Rachel or Brittany on the phone: 'size, stamina, satisfaction... and the Swirl.' But as far as coming up with new things... wasn't that Santana's job? Was that why they were here, Santana was getting tired of the same old, same old? Was she getting a clean bill of health before casting into the dating pool again? Finn felt like he was going to throw up, he needed something some new material and fast!
The small hand on his shoulder made Finn jump and let a little (manly) scream as it pulled Finn from his reverie. There stood his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend with her purse over one shoulder and a perfect eyebrow arching across her forehead. "Are you okay?" she asked, in a tone that told Finn he better be okay.
"Oh! Uh, yeah. I'm fine." Magazine, magazine! A voice screamed in his head before he nonchalantly and tactfully went about getting rid of the papery evidence in his hand (he gave it a quick toss behind his back where it landed noisily, while he sat there looking for all the world like a preteen boy caught with one of his dad's Playboys or a gassy toddler). With a roll of her eyes and a flick of her hair Santana wheeled around and headed for the door, moving purposefully while he scrambled to keep up.
"Whatever," she said in a bored tone of voice as they exited the hospital, "I'm hungry and I want a burger."
Two hours later, Finn dropped Santana off at her place. They had spent a very quiet meal at McDonald's where Finn watched in awe as his girlfriend devoured three Quarterpounders with cheese, a large fries, and topped it off with two cherry pies. When she wasn't eating, she was standoffish and evasive, not talking and looking at anything but Finn. The fears of single-hood returned as Finn tried to pry what was bothering his girlfriend out of her, with little or no success, before in a huff Santana stood up and stalked out of the restaurant, but not before ordering him to bring an order of cookies with him when he followed her. When they arrived at her apartment building in Brooklyn Santana wasted no time sliding out of the cab and wheeling around on one foot with a dancer's grace.
"Look, I'm really tired... so... I'll call you later!" was all she said before Finn got a face full of car door and rejection. If the cabbie thought he looked like a kid who just lost his favorite toy, well... that was because they had had a routine, and tonight was Sex Night. Slumping further down into the nasty backseat Finn looked at the buildings pass by, Lil' Finn wasn't gonna get any fun tonight. Terrified that at any moment a text message would appear declaring their relationship over, Finn took the stairs up to his own apartment two at time desperate to talk to his best friend and roommate, Puck. He arrived a second too late as she saw the Mohawked boy disappear into his own room with the brown haired diva that Finn used to date. Guess those two had a routine too.
As he sat on his bed (trying desperately to ignore the thumping of a headboard and perfect pitch screams of 'Oh Noah!' coming from behind his wall) Finn racked his brain trying to think of who could help him. Although he hated to do it, mostly because he didn't want to ever picture Burt doing that with Finn's own mother, those two did have the longest relationship to date of anybody he knew. So swallowing his pride, and not a small amount of vomit, Finn called his stepfather.
"Spicy, huh?" the gruff voice of the mechanic said through the earpiece, "Well, on account of my bum ticker your mom and I don't really do much more than-"
"Burt! Man, come on." Finn yelled, trying to erase the horrible mental images.
"Alright, alright, no specifics, fine." The Hummel patriarch cleared his throat as he thought for a moment. "Uh... why don't you do something real romantic-like... try doing it first thing in the morning."
With a determined nod Finn packed a quick bag and headed out the door. A short cab ride later and he was knocking on Santana's door. She was already dressed for bed in an oversized t-shirt that said 'OSU' and slippers. He could tell by her face she was not amused.
"Look Finn, I said I was tired alright-"
"I know!" he replied real quickly, he had thought up this excuse in the cab over here. "Um, but Rachel's staying over with Puck and I was hoping..." he left the rest of the sentence hang in the air as understanding dawned on her face.
"Okay..." her begrudging tone wasn't exactly what Finn was hoping to hear, but whatever got him in the door. They passed the kitchen trash can before they got to the hallway and Finn noticed an empty carton of ice cream. Weird, Santana hated most dairy products. But as they settled into sleep Finn mused to himself that cuddling wasn't so bad, it wasn't sex but it wasn't bad. The next thing he knew a vicious shrill alarm was filling the air a split second before a sharp pain in his ribs jolted him from sleep as Santana elbowed him in a desperate attempt to turn off the alarm before it became too annoying.
All the TV shows that Finn had seen had made morning sex seem romantic enough: with some sun dappled sheets and lazy lounging about, but seeing as Santana had to wake up at six in the morning there was very little sun in her bedroom. There was also no lounging about as his fiery Latina girlfriend streaked out of bed like a bolt of lightning straight for the bathroom where without preamble (or even closing the door) Santana dropped her panties and proceeded to pee.
Loudly.
For several minutes.
Oh yeah, thought Finn sarcastically, this is getting me in the mood.
If Finn had any hopes that Santana was going to come back to bed to relieve some pent-up frustrations they were dashed when she made her way to the kitchen and began making coffee. Taking a few minutes to loosen up his own muscles, and relieve his own bladder behind a closed door, Finn made his way to the little kitchen for his own cup of coffee. Santana was leaning up against the counter, a cup clasped in both hands right underneath her nose, as she struggled to wake herself fully.
"So why are you really here?" she asked not bothering to look up from the liquid tar she brewed. "I was hoping that if you were too tired last night, that maybe after a good night's sleep... I don't know... we could've possibly had morning sex." Almost before the words were out of his mouth Finn knew how stupid he sounded. For her part Santana let out a little bark of a laugh before ripping him a new one. "My hair is a gnarled bird's nest, I have dried mascara on my cheeks, and your class ring is imprinted into the side of my face. You really want a piece of this?" The look in her eyes told Finn that no, no he didn't really want a piece of that. Not for the price she was gonna extract from him. Rolling her eyes Santana set her mug down and pushed past her gargantuan boyfriend to head for the bathroom.
As soon as he heard the water for the shower running Finn searched the apartment for his cell, trying to think of someone, anyone, who would be awake at this time of day before it hit him. Artie had an early class at MIT, he would be awake and alert and, hell, the guy had Brittany S. Pierce practically wrapped around his little finger! If anybody could help Finn right now it was his boy Artie or at the very least Finn could try to get Brittany to explain where Santana's g-spot was again (it couldn't be that hard to find could it?).
"Forget it, she already went to the gym. Find it yourself!" Artie's voice came across clear as a bell before Finn even got a word out.
"Dude, quick, I'm like an inch away from losing my girlfriend! I need a way to spice up our sex lives and now!"
"Okay, okay. Calm down. She's gotta go to work in Manhattan right? So, try getting her to have sex in the taxi?"
"Tenderoni! You're a lifesaver man!"
Unfortunately, Finn had forgotten that Santana didn't trust the cabbies in Brooklyn, and she definitely wasn't going to let Finn near her after his half-assed attempt this morning. "Excuse me!" she practically screeched at the driver as she pushed herself forward towards the glass, "But that was a red light! Look I could give a damn if we get there within the next ten minutes, at this point I'm just hoping we get to Manhattan in one piece! So why don't you pull your turban out ya ass, turn down the Punjab Beat, and drive like they taught you at Immigration! Finn, why the hell don't you have your seat belt on?"
Yeah that was a no on taxi sex.
The drive back to Santana's place was spent trying to get a hold of Puck, who apparently was still knee-deep in Berry, because Finn obviously was going to reach the space shuttle before Puck picked up his cell. Flopping down on the couch Finn turned on ESPN before thinking about who else he could call. Alright if he couldn't get help from the Ladies' Man then he was going to half to go to the next best thing, the Man Lady himself, his stepbrother Kurt. Checking to make sure it wasn't too early in L.A. Finn skipped down his contacts list to Kurt's cell. Surprisingly Sam answered the phone.
"What are doing with my brother Lady Lips!"
"Chill, Finnessa, he and the girls are getting ready for an early shoot or something. I don't know, there's foundation and eyeliner flying like World War II out of that bathroom."
"Well, crap, hey you dated a girl once! Maybe you can help me."
"I've dated many girls, thank you, and oh, please tell me how I can help you."
"Well I'm trying to spice up Santana's and mine sex life and I was hoping-"
"Couch sex, just like in high school. Takes the girl back and makes it seem like your romance is that real heady stuff from freshman year, ya know?"
"That'll work?"
"Oh yeah, and the best thing is you won't need a rufi this time."
"A. Ha. Your momma."
"Oh, Kurt's waving at me... he says do it in the shower... and Lauren says try licking whip cream off of her... I gotta go clean out my brain now. Later Gigantor!"
"Bye, Bieber."
That night when Santana got home Finn convinced her to lay on the couch with him and watch "Piranha." It was their makeout movie from high school. Except that Santana fell asleep on his arm halfway through it and then Finn accidentally pushed her off and to the floor. Needless to say, she was pissed. The next morning was her day off, and in hind sight maybe it wasn't the best to try both Kurt and Lauren's ideas at the same time. After that Santana had had enough and booted his ass out of her apartment. Which worked perfectly with Puck suggestion of showing up late and unannounced. That earned Finn another face full of door. He was scrapping the bottom of the barrel when Mr. Schue suggested office sex, which didn't work since Santana had only a two-sided cubicle, and watching Basic Instinct and Mr. and Mrs. Smith. All Finn could think of was the look Santana would give him if he EVER tried to rip her clothes. The only thing that got smashed was a old glass and she wasn't even around for that, since Finn had dropped after reading her text message.
To Finn Hudson from Santana Lopez: OMG! WTF is your problem? I have been trying for 2 DAYS to tell you I'm pregnant and you keep coming up with weird sex things! If you ever want sexy-fun-time again you better show up to my apartment in the next six hours with a ring and an apology! XXX San