A/N: Thanks for the reviews and everything, everyone! Things are starting to pick up and so I hope you enjoy the story and review if you want to. :)
They're the last words I expect to hear.
I think that's why I'm sitting here, staring at him, not saying anything because I think my brain is not working. I don't know what to say and I kind of wish I could see my face right now because it's probably in so much shock I'd laugh at myself for looking like this. I want to tell him so many things, I want to tell him that I've been wanting this for so long, that I never dared hope. I almost literally wish I could rip my heart out of my chest and just present it to him.
He looks down though and takes a sigh, "I shouldn't have put that on you. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…I know it's wrong and it violates probably every rule in the world that I have and your world too and I shouldn't…"
"Chris…" I breathe his name because I don't think my voice can go any higher right now. I'm not sure I want it to because if I raise my voice, maybe the spell will be broken and I'll be sitting here alone again. Except he can't disappear, he's here and I can feel him, that has to mean he can't leave me again, right? He can't just go away again.
"I've been struggling with this for a while. Ever since you started talking to me again. Not right that second or anything. I mean, it was after, when you started talking back, when you were…you. I shouldn't be in love with you…that's not part of the job description. I mean, I'm supposed to love you, but not be in love with you. I shouldn't hate Paul for being with you. I shouldn't want you not to die. I should be following the rules and I'm not and here I am and I don't understand it. I don't understand any of this."
I nod. I still don't know what I'm supposed to say or do. Do I reach over and kiss him? Do I tell him I feel the same way? Should I go break up with Paul because I'm not entirely sure that Chris would be willing to help me cheat. I'm not totally convinced he's not been banished, but if he has it would make it easier. Not that any of this is easy or explainable. It's all confusing and I've still not really said anything.
"I'm sorry, I'm rambling," Chris says nervously, running a hand through his hair. "Everything feels so weird. I've never felt anything, literally, I mean, I've never touched anything before. This bed is kind of hard." I laugh and he looks up at me, his eyes soft and so full of love that I feel like I'm stumbling through some abyss that is the ocean of his eyes. God created angels to be perfect and Chris is demonstrating that right now. "I'm just in love with you. I love everything about you. I love how you get pissed at me and I love how you sleep, God, I sound crazy. Please say something."
"I feel the same way," I finally tell him, my voice still quiet and almost revere when I say it, like the words aren't even right, like they are completely the wrong words, but I'm still saying them. He lets out a breath, a breath, an actual breath and he looks so relieved. I grab his hand and hold in mine. "I never…I tried…"
"Yes?" he asks expectantly and I'm really trying so hard not to lose it right now. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff. Like if I just allow myself, I'll fall right over.
"I didn't allow myself to think about it. I suppressed it because I knew there was no way we could be together," I tell him. "I've tried not to even think it because I didn't know if you could read my thoughts or anything and I didn't want to get my hopes up and you would say such beautiful things and I would…"
I can feel the tears start in my eyes and then I'm sobbing and he's scooting closer to me and holding me and I lean against his chest because he feels so damn good. Everything about him just feels so damn good and I want to curl up against him so I do and I'm crying and he's just stroking my hair and this is everything I've ever wanted. I never believed I could get it, but now that I have it…I don't know what's going to happen next and because of that, I pull away and I wipe at my eyes.
"You're beautiful," Chris tells me. "I've always thought so. Even when you refused to talk to me or acknowledge my presence, I've always thought you were beautiful. You might even be more beautiful now."
I reach out and touch his cheek, smiling at him. "I'm going to kiss you."
Chris laughs, "You always have been a girl who knows what she wants, right?"
I nod, "I know what I want and I want to kiss you so much right now that if I don't, I might just die anyways."
"Don't," he says and I expect him to lean in, but then I remember that he's never kissed anyone before. He's been on this plane of existence for all these years and he's never been kissed before. He seems to recognize the recognition on my face and he bites his lip. "I've never kissed anyone."
"I'll show you," I tell him kindly as I lean forward and press my lips against his. He doesn't know what to do at first as he sits still, but an angel's instincts must be pretty damn good because he gets into it soon after. His lips press against mine and then his hands are cupping my neck as he tries to pull me closer.
I wish I could quantify this kiss. I wish there were words that could signify what this means, what it's like to kiss someone so ethereal. It's like kissing perfection. It's like taking everything you've ever liked in the world and smashing it together and then giving it a big, wet one right on the lips. That's what it feels like, almost, because I really can't describe how good it feels, how right it feels. I feel like every other kiss I've ever had before this has been insignificant.
Suddenly, I know what Chris meant when he said that I'd never been in real love before. I'd fought him on that point so many times, told him all the time that I had been in love and who was he to say that I hadn't. Now I know, he was right, I hadn't been in love. This has to be what love feels like. It just has to because if anything could possibly top this, then I will just spontaneously combust. I guess Chris has finally realized that he needs to breathe between kisses because he's pulling away now and taking deep breaths, sucking in air rapidly.
"Wow," he tells me or says to the air I guess, I'm not clear who he's addressing, "Wow…"
"I know," I respond whether or not he was talking to me. "I love you."
"I love you too," he tells me, biting his lip again and staring at me. "I don't know where we go from here, Steph. I don't know what's happening or why it's happening. I'm just not sure. I had your life in my brain and then suddenly it stopped and I don't know what's next."
"We may only have tonight," I tell him, hoping that I'm being just suggestive enough, but if tonight really is the only one I'll get with Chris where I'm able to touch him and kiss him, you better believe I'm taking advantage of it. I've denied myself the feelings for so long that I'm not taking the chance that there will be a tomorrow. I want Chris, all of him, all of him and I'm willing to force him into this if that's what it takes.
"We might," Chris says, "my brain is fuzzy, like I can't think, not like I usually do. Usually I have more awareness and now all I can think about is you."
"Wasn't I pretty much all you thought about before?" I joke with him. He laughs and leans forward, initiating another kiss, though this one is far too brief and his lips are like magnets because I don't want to break the kiss and my lips linger on his as he pulls away.
"You were, but I had a bigger picture going on. Whatever happened in Paul's locker room earlier seemed to have broken something inside of me."
"The holographic nature of your existence?"
"Apparently," he nods. "I don't know what to do now."
"You be with me," I say to him. "That's all you have to do. You just have to stay with me tonight, okay. I don't want you to be anywhere else except here with me. You are…I want you, Chris, I want you."
"I want you too."
"No, I don't think you understand, I want you, Chris," I say slowly, letting my eyes drift over his body, hoping he'll get the point. He's not stupid and his eyes widen slightly as he regards me.
"Oh…oh," Chris nods slowly, "I wouldn't know how, I don't exactly, I mean, I've seen—"
"Can we not discuss how you probably have seen me with other men?" I beg of him. "I know you don't, but I have and I can show you if you'd like…I want to be with you, Chris. If this is the only night we have, I want it to be spent doing everything I can with you."
"Paul…" He reminds me. Why did he have to remind me? Oh yeah, that's right, because he's an angel and an angel would never condone cheating. So here I am at a crossroads. I may get this one night with Chris and then it may be taken away from me tomorrow. If that happens and I break up with Paul, then that's it, I'm alone again. But then if I don't break up with Paul, I might lose this opportunity and I'm not sure I can go the rest of my life without doing this.
"I'll be back," I tell him, making my decision and it's really an easy one. I want Chris. I've been denying I wanted him for so long and I'm done with that. I want him and I want to be with him and if that comes at the sacrifice of a relationship that doesn't mean that much to me in the first place, then so be it.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to break up with him," I tell Chris.
"Wait, Stephanie, are you sure?" he asks me. I stand up and he follows suit. I'm looking for my shoes and he's following right behind me. I find them and I stand up, turn around and Chris is right in my face. I'm startled and I almost stumble backwards, but he grabs onto me. "I'm sorry, I'm still not used to this having a real body thing. I'm so used to standing close to you without you being able to feel me."
"It's okay," I shrug, "and I am sure. I'm very sure that this is what I want. I know that it goes against all your morals to cheat so I'm going to do the right thing and then I'm going to come back here and I'm going to spend every moment I can with you. And if you're here in the morning, then you're going to have yourself a girlfriend."
He tests the weight of those words. "A girlfriend, wow, that's…a girlfriend…I never thought I'd have one of those…" He seems to remember himself though, "I don't want you to rush into anything. I mean, I love you, but I don't want you to do anything you might regret."
I grab his hand and bring it up to my lips, kissing his hand. "I want to, I would never regret this. I love you too much for that."
He grins at me, "I love you too, which is why I don't want to force you into anything."
"Okay, Chris, for one night, try not to be too much of an angel, okay," I wink at him and it seems to ease him a little bit.
"I will certainly try," he tells me, nodding as if convincing himself that it's okay to be a human for one night or however long this will last. Like when I was trying to hide my love for Chris, I don't dare hope that I might get more than one night. One day at a time is my motto for right now, but I'm hoping that I'll get forever, I really hope I'll get forever. But first things first, I have to take care of Paul. I lean up and give Chris another kiss, just one to sustain me.
"I'll be back."