The first thing that registered with Shepard as the door opened was the loud, persistent and repetitive whooping noise that fame from within the room. The second thing that registered with him was Jack, standing in the doorway with her face hidden within its own shadow, her body dramatically backlit by the observation room's control panel which was lit up in bright and alarming shades of orange and red.
"Jack.." began Shepard, but whatever else he was about to say was forgotten as Jack took two steps forward out of the doorway. As poor as the lighting was outside of the observation room, now that Jack was out of the shadow caused by the glowing control panel it was easy to see her face in the coming from the glow of the tanks, the soft red glow that showed the blood that was splattered across her face as smooth reflective black smears. It also didn't take long to notice that her upper body and arms where similarly covered in blood that Shepard assumed was not her own.
"Jack, what the..." was as far as Shepard got the second time before Jack cut him off.
"5 minutes and this place burns in hell Shepard," she growled as she stormed past him towards the lifts.
Shepard looked back into the observation room at the crumbled form of Aresh's body that was still lying in a heap against the blood spattered wall and his eyes filled with sadness, but it was not for Aresh. Shifting Tali in an attempt to find a more comfortable position for her in his arms he started moving again towards the lift. He stopped just as he reached the lift doors and looked over at Jack who was already inside standing very still and staring at the back wall.
"So we have now become what we hate, is that it Jack?" asked Shepard quietly. "Killing out of hate and fear is something Cerberus is good at. Is that what we are now Jack?"
"You should know, you're their lap dog aren't you?" spat back Jack. "Either get in the damn lift or stay and burn for all I care, I'm not waiting."
"Does that go for Tali too?" asked Shepard gently.
Jack turned and looked down at Tali who lay slung across Shepard's arms. "Tali? No, she... fuck it, yes, yes it does. I tried it your way Shepard and look what happened. I trusted you. I relied on you and look what happened! No more. Everyone always wants to use you for something if you let them. No more."
"Then press the damn panel and get the hell out of my sight," snapped Shepard, playing the last card he had. "I thought you were strong, possibly the strongest person I had met, but it seems I was wrong. You are so full of swagger and bravado on board the Normandy while you are safe and secure in your little den in Engineering but as soon as something difficult turns up, something that you need to fight for, you just crawl right back into your shell and give up. So go ahead and press the damn controls and disappear, leave Tali and me here and persuade yourself that you did it because you are strong. Because from where I am standing it sure looks like you are running away. And it damn well looks to me like you are taking the easy way out because you haven't the balls to actually stand up and fight your fears."
"Don't you dare..."
"Don't I dare what?" demanded Shepard. "Don't I dare call you a coward for turning tail and running way? Or don't I dare call you frightened, just because you act like a little girl whenever you are faced with your past rather then standing up to it and demand that it stops ruling your life? Or don't I dare judge you, just because you are willing to leave behind someone who risked her life to help you? Or don't I dare call you a murderer, just because you shot an unconscious person in cold blood!" Shepard was at full volume by now, throwing all of his frustration, all of his anger and his best sergeant's voice at Jack. "Don't YOU dare tell me what I cannot do Jack, not while you are standing there in that lift with his blood dripping down your face."
The sheer force of Shepard's anger hit her like a hammer and she found herself taking an involuntary step back away from him. She raised a hand to her face and ran a finger across her cheek and then looked down at her blood smeared hands and forearms as if noticing the blood for the first time.
So much blood, she though, my life is just so much blood and what has it achieved?
Everything, she heard another voice say, it has kept you safe, everyone wants to use you.
Shepard doesn't.
Doesn't he? He wants you to be someone other then yourself, he wants you to stop fighting.
No, he wants me to stop killing.
There is no difference! the voice said viciously, A dead enemy is no threat, their warm blood on your hands proves you are alive.
I don't want their blood on my hands.
It is who you are, the blood of all those children on Pragia bought you your freedom and your life.
Shut up! They were attacking me! I had no choice!
Really?
Yes!
But it still felt good didn't, all that killing. It made you feel so warm didn't it.
Stop it!
You know you should have killed Aresh on Pragia. Shepard stopped you and look what happened. The blood of all those people in the restaurant are on your hands, just like Aresh's is now.
STOP IT!
You kill everyone who threatens you, it makes you feel good, it keeps you safe.
No!
It is who you are!
No it isn't! They made me this way!
Cerberus helped you didn't they, helped you became strong, helped you to kill!
NO! Cerberus has never helped me!
You are what Cerberus killed so many children for Subject Zero, you are the proof that it was all worth something.
NO! I am Jack! I am NOT Cerberus' creation. No more. Never again. I don't want to be controlled by them, ever!
You don't want to stop, all your life you have been running away from the fact that Cerberus made you and you like it what they did. You don't know how to stop do you.
Enough! No more. Please, no more, just leave me alone.
She lifted her head up and looked back at Shepard, all of the fight and all of the anger gone from her eyes, pleading, "I, I don't, I can't... what do I do? How do I stop it?"
Shepard stepped into the lift and kicked the control panel with his foot. As the lift began its descent he faced Jack and spoke, "Hoe do you stop it? Well, for one you stop hating yourself. For two, you stop hating everyone else. And for three, you figure out how to let go of your past. And you do all that by taking it one day at a time. And most importantly, when Tali is on board the Normandy and she is safe you come with me somewhere quiet and private and we will get very drunk together while I tell you about Akuze, about how to let go and about how to not wake up in the middle of the night screaming because the past is trying to consume you." And then more gently he said, "You are not the only one who has nightmares Jack."
Jack nodded her head slowly, a tear running down her cheek creating a single clear track through the blood.
The lift stopped and the silence was broken as everyone stepped out. Shepard began running as fast as he could across the room without jolting Tali too much, followed closely by Jack. At the bottom of the stairs they raced across the open room, past the destroyed Mech and into the second lift, acutely aware that time was ticking away for both them and, more importantly, for Tali. Once inside Shepard leant back into the corner of the lift holding Tali while Jack hammered on the control panel, "Come on you stupid thing, move!"
Shepard closed his eyes as he leant against the wall, breathing hard. A combination of the recent fighting, the wounds received, the subsequent adrenaline withdraw, the concern for Tali, the distinct possibility that moments ago that Jack was going to kill them and the buried past of his Akuze nightmares whirling around in head had left him drained and exhausted, and the dead weight of Tali in his arms was becoming difficult to hold. He took a slow deep breath and gritted his teeth as the lift descended, refusing to give in to the screaming agony in the muscles of this arms.
"Shepard?" Jack's voice broke him out of his struggle with his own body and he opened his eyes. "Can I, I mean could I... Oh fuck it. I'm no good at apologies, just give her here before you collapse Shepard." Stepping up to him, Jack slide her arms under Tali's body and took her weight out of Shepard's arms. Shepard nodded his thanks and pushed himself off the wall as the lift came to a halt and he moved out of the lift ahead of Jack. As soon as they exited the lift they saw that the Normandy's shuttle had just arrived and had began it's landing cycle in front of the doors that Jack had driven the taxi through. Before the shuttle had actually touched down the door swung open and Garrus and Grunt both leapt out and began to run towards them.
"Good way to open a door" said Grunt, casting an eye over the taxi as they reached Shepard and Jack. He then holstered his shotgun and held out his hands to Jack, "Give her here."
Jack shook her head and held Tali tighter to her chest as she started to move off towards the shuttle. Shepard reached out and placed a restraining arm on Grunt's shoulder, "Let Jack take her Grunt, it's important to her right now." Grunt shrugged and followed Jack back towards the shuttle.
"Okay..." said a bewildered Garrus as he watched them go, "Jack? Tali? What happened in there Commander?"
"Notice the big blue building you landed next to Garrus?" Shepard asked, leaning on his friend.
"You mean the one we are inside of Commander? Yeah I noticed it."
"It is going to exploded in about one minute, so do you think you could stop asking pointless questions and move?"
Garrus responded by grabbing Shepard by the arm and half dragging half guiding him towards the shuttle, "Move it is!"
By the time Garrus had dragged the Commander to the shuttle Jack was already on board cradling Tali's head in her lap, a medic already administering to her. Grunt gave Garrus a hand in getting their Commander none to gently into the crowded shuttle and Garrus yelled at the pilot to make like a scalded Pyjack back to the Normandy.
The shuttle had just lifted off when they all felt a ominous rumble throughout the hull. Almost immediately afterwards they also all felt the sudden acceleration of the shuttle as the pilot threw it into a steep climb at maximum engine power. Shepard pulled himself upright and looked out of the window, with Illium falling away below him, and watched the tower implode in upon itself, sending out a circular tidal wave of dust and debris that flowed around the nearby buildings.
Stepping around the wounded from the restaurant that were laying in stretchers across the shuttle's floor Garrus moved up next to him and placed his hand on Shepard's shoulder. "Damn, you like to keep it interesting don't you Commander! Mission successful I take it?"
Shepard nodded his head as the cityscape below disappeared and he turned to look at Jack and Tali, "Yes, but at what cost Garrus? For how long can we keep paying the price that is asked?"
Garrus shrugged, "For as long as we must."
Shepard nodded.