Day One: Miami Clubbin'
Man, I scored the jackpot! Now yes when I suggested the idea of a free for all slut trip, I didn't really think anyone would agree with me- with the exception of Bebe, she's just the girl version of me after all. But other than her I didn't think anyone else would vouch for the idea.
Bebe, Bebe, Bebe, I always had a thing for that girl. One, because we have so much in common, just the way we think is the same and two, because she's hot, duh. She'll be easy to get in bed, there is no doubt in my mind that she wouldn't want to experiment with the sex king.
Clyde might even join in. Threesomes are cool, I'm into them especially with Clyde. He might be a little on the husky side but the things I've heard from Bebe sound enticing. I licked my lips as I leaned on the couch. Bebe was on the other side and she grinned at me, "Whatcha thinking' 'bout, horndog?"
I chuckled and shrugged, "Even you'd call me a pervert."
"You are a pervert." she rolled her eyes and giggled as she read one of her teen magazines. Those things are pathetic, they are like TV shows: completely untrue and retarded. Though young girls need something to help them out with their 'hard' lives, I mean I can't imagine juggling boys, make up, hair, clothes, parent issues and best friend fights...that's just plain torture. I rolled my eyes at my own thought, girls are so over dramatic.
"As are you, dumpling." I smirked back.
"Correction, girls are never perverts, they are just sluts." she rolled her eyes, "Don't you just love sexism, guys can look at girls, but when a girl looks at guys. Oh, assumptions, assumptions."
I nodded. Although I do like sexism, it's what gives me the power to be as gross and sexual as I want without getting the harsh stares and even harsher rumors that I would have to put up with if I was a women. They do have the power of seduction though, girls wiggle their tits and shake their asses and men become putty in their hands. I wouldn't mind having that ability.
"Well why let a few comments get ya down?" I paused and sat up to put my arm around her, "Live life to the fullest, baby."
"Oh, I plan to." she kissed me. I bet any guy would be hard in their pants if they were in my situation but I've kissed Bebe before. Sadly I've only gotten to second with the little princess but that will change. I have all summer to ensure it does.
"Oh my god! Christophe! Slow down!" me and Bebe broke apart and looked over at Wendy who was gripping the drivers seat tightly and hollering in Christophe's ear.
He scowled and turned to her, "Sit down, beetch."
"Ugh! You're gonna get us all killed!" she continued to nag. Sometimes Wendy can be such a boner-kill. Like imagine making out with her then she yells at you because your lips are too chapped her something, that right there is a boner-kill.
"Non, ma cheri. Ze only one w'o weell get keelled eez you, eef you don't s'ut up." he hissed angrily in a heavy French accent. Also I'm pretty sure that was an accurate threat and again I can't blame the mercenary, I have urges to kill a lot of the people on this bus on a daily basis.
"Wendy, stop being a backseat driver. You may end up being road kill." I stated as Bebe cuddled up to me.
"Oh jeez! Road kill!" exclaimed Butters as he rubbed his fingers together nervously
"Don't worry, Buttercup. I was joking." I gave him a genuine smile. He's the only one on the bus who deserves actual affection. He's just a cutie pie. I chuckled at my own thought. If I told him that I know for a fact he'd be blushing and stuttering way more than usual. Actually that's why-
Bebe cut off my train of thought, "Moley, where are we going?"
"Miami, beetches!" he exclaimed excitedly. I through my fist in the air and whistled, Bebe mimicked me as well.
"Fuck yeah!" shouted others from the back, it was more like a roar of loud cheers.
The only person who wasn't as excited was Wendy, "To do what? We definitely won't make it their anytime soon."
"We weell make eet by tonight. Clubz all ze way beetch." he smirked as he looked up at the angry brunette.
She rolled her eyes and started to walk towards the back of the bus, "Just so you know calling us 'beetches' is not a sign of affection. It's rather rude."
"Don't worry, Wends, when we get to the clubs we'll avoid the mercenary." said Stan in an almost desperate way to calm down the girl.
Oh and guess what it worked! She smiled, climbed up onto their bunch and hugged him, "Your right, I can't let this French asshole get me down. This is our first good vacation together!"
About eight hours later…
"Are we there yet!" whined Cartman for the millionth and tenth time…
I put the pillow over my head to block out fatboy's annoying moans and objections, "Ferme ta gueule lardass!"
Kyle chuckled as he grabbed a soda from the fridge. Now that I think about it, Kyle and Christophe would be kind of cute together. It would like balance out Kyle's hotheaded temper and nerdiness, you know give him some excitement and possibly let out his anger on something else. While it would give Christophe something to actually care for.
Wow…I sound like a therapist, I have to stop analyzing other people's relationships and work on mine, "Hey, Kyle, what did Christophe just say?" I heard Stan ask.
"He just told him to shut the fuck up and called him a lardass. Nothing creative but when you say insults in French it sounds so much cooler."
"Are we there yet!"
My eyes widened in annoyance and I rolled over, nothing is going to block out his fucking noise. "H-hey, Kenny. Are you feeling okay?"
I looked up and smiled, "Yeah, Buttercup."
"We're 'ere, don't treep on your way out." he glared at Cartman, which Cartman responded by sticking his tongue out at the angry mercenary.
"Wait! Take your fake ID's." said Token as he held a stack of them. I don't know where he got them and I don't care.
Within ten minutes we were in one of the oh-so-popular clubs. The strobe lights were flickering and flashes throughout the room and creating a techno theme. Please God, don't let me die of a seizure tonight!
I opened my eyes, "So far, still alive."
Nobody probably heard me anyways considering the music is blasting on full volume not that I care, this way I don't have to participate in mindless chat with superficial bitches. Small talk really isn't my thing, that's why I tend to wear a hood that muffles my speak. BUT since we're in miami and it's like a billion degrees out, I'm not wearing my hood, I'm wearing a tank top, I do look rather yummy.
I looked around and noticed everyone took off in different directions and I was left standing alone. Well time to go on the prowl, I will get laid tonight.
As I moved through the dancing crowd I noticed a hot blonde waiting for me to pounce on. I creeped up behind them and started to grind, sexily. "Oh jeeze!"
I chuckled, "Hey, Buttercup."
"Wh-what are y-you do-doing, Ken?" he stuttered a bit more than usual.
I whispered in his ear, "Dancing."
I didn't even notice that I had stolen Bebe's dance partner, "Way to hog my hottie!"
I looked up at her but she wasn't mad she was smiling and I could tell she was telepathically telling me to get some. "Sorry but he was just too cute to pass up."
"H-have you been dr-drinking?" he asked nervously.
I put my arm around him and made a confused face, "No. I'm sober right now, this upsets me." I looked down at him and smirked, "Let's go take some shots."
On our way to the punch bowl I noticed Kyle and Stan downing some shots while Wendy watched from the sideline. "What's wrong, Wends, don't wanna take some shots with the guys?"
Wendy smiled at me, her and Bebe were all for me and Butters being a couple. "Someone has to be the mature one."
"As you wish but me and Buttercup are joining in the fun, you should too." I put my free arm around her and she chuckled.
"Fine but if I get wasted nobody better take advantage of me."
"No promises." I wiggled my brow and she punched my arm gently.
Approximately eight shots later I'm standing in the middle of the dance floor shit-faced and as far as I can tell none of my friends are in sight. I can't really see with clear vision considering my shit-faced state. "Buttercup?" yeah I'm so drunk that I'm going up to about every blonde and feeling them up, realizing that all of them have tits, thus they aren't Butters.
Oh yeah not to mention I've had about ten slaps to the face, so far. Maybe more…math isn't my best subject when I'm sober, so yeah…
"Whoa!"
I'm usually not one to complain when people grab me, I tend to like it. Right now, it's different, these assholes are shoving me out of the club through a back door leading to a roach infested alley. Fun.
I stumbled over my foot and landed on the ground…hard, "Well that was a little rough." I mumbled out. As I stood up I noticed them glaring at me with arms crossed and fists clenched, "What did *hic* I do?" I asked confused.
"We've had several complaints-"
"Fifteen girls said you were touching their asses and seven guys." one, that guy totally cut off the other one and two, he clearly wants to fight me.
"So?" I asked mockingly as I pretended to wipe dirt off my clothing but really I think I should have worried more about balancing myself.
"That's sexual assault." the first one answered in a stern tone.
Oooooo someone thinks their a badass because they weigh three hundred pounds more than me! As I was about to speak the second one interrupted, "Plus, I don't take kindly to faggots."
"Homophobia hurts, man." I let my lopsided grin spread across my face as I leaned against the wall beside them, not trying to be intimidating but again more so trying to find my balance, "But I'm not a hundred percent gay, thus I'm not a hundred percent hurt."
Coherent sentences, I'm on a role!
"Real men don't touch other dudes!" said the second one angrily, he stepped forward and held his stance.
I rolled my eyes, being as intoxicated as I am, I think I'm going to be a sly dog and make smartass comments to a guy who could kill me and there are no witnesses in this dark alley. "Well, well, well, Mr. Man." I patted his arm and he tensed quickly. Yes, gayness is contagious!
I rolled my eyes again and bit my lip, "Well you know, once you get bent your stuck like that." I paused and chuckled, "Except me, I must be like rubber or something because I can be ninety degrees or a hundred and eighty degree line." I motioned a line with my hand for emphasis.
"You look more along the lines of an acute angle." said the first one. Well that was nice of him though I think I'm more along the lines of hot, not cute.
"Thank you, I know I'm cute." I put my arm around the first guy and was instantly shoved off by the second, "Well, I didn't know you two were a thing. My bad, my bad."
"We're not obtuse, asshole!"
I looked down at my figure. You know I've been thinking about my alcoholic intake lately, I thought I've been gaining some weight but personally I think I look decent. "Well that hurt my feelings, I thought I was pretty damn skinny."
"Not obese, 'e said obtuse, your bent." I turned to see Christophe lighting a smoke behind me. Go figure a guy named 'the mole' is hiding in a dark alley, sounds like a rapist name now that I consider it. "t'is eez w'y drunk people don't talk math."
"Hey, moley." I greeted but before I could resume my attempt of getting back in, they slammed the door and left me in the dark with the human chimney.
"Want one?" he extended his hand holding the carton of cigarettes.
Now how in the hell could I pass up a free cigarette? I sure as hell can't afford to buy them, so stealing others is my current duty! I snatched one and held it out to him, he lit it without complaint. "So *hic* what are you doing outside?"
"Came out for a smoke." he stated simply, we began to leave the alleyway, "Deedn't zink I would run eento one of you guys."
I stumbled but he caught me, "Well I didn't mean to be a pervert-"
"Yes you deed." he rolled his eyes and we sat on the curb.
"Actually I know you won't believe me but this time it was a mistake." I held my head in my hands, "I was searching for Butters."
He leaned back and huffed a ring of smoke, "Zo you do like ze shy boy."
"Who wouldn't?" I grinned and chuckled, "So do you like-"
"I just found Bebe drowning in a bowl of tequila, we're going." said Wendy impatiently as she struggled to hold a fidgeting Bebe and to add to it she so rudely interrupted my question.
"Dude I'm about ninety-nine percent sure I just saw Edward Cullen." Wendy scoffed at Bebe's drunkness, "No human sparkles like that."
"I think I saw him too." I smirked and with that we went back to the bus with two drunken messes. I told you me and Bebe had way to much in common.