Day Five: "Who's Paying?"
I twitched nervously as I sat on the couch with Bebe and Butters. It's not that I'm nervous of them, they're really nice! Unless they're undercover assassins…NO! Stop thinking like that Tweek, Christophe is the killer- must avoid him!
I bit my lip to suppress one of my yelps, no need for the unnecessary attention. I gripped my thermos tighter until my hands drained in color. Oh Jesus, I'm losing circulation! I need Craig…god damnit he needs to hurry up! Why couldn't he just hold his bladdar? Oh Jesus then it would explode!
"Well, Tweeky-bear, do you want me to comb your hair?" Bebe asked with an overly sugary-sweet tone and a candy-coated grin to match. She tends to use baby voices when she's with me and Butters, like if she were to talk normal we would go into seizure mode and run away.
I guess she's taking good precautions…
"Nngh- no thanks, Bebe." I gave her a crooked grin. Bebe's one of the few people on the bus that doesn't scare the shit out of me. I used to think she was one of the Queen Bees and would stomp on me if I dropped my books in front of her in the hallway but now I know she helps me pick up my messes! Man, she's really nice.
"Oh geez…it looks awfully nice, Bebe, th-thank you." Butters said as he gazed at himself in her compact mirror. His hair had several barrettes and pins in it, plus it was combed to perfection.
I like Butters too, we've been friends since freshman year. Well we never weren't friends before that but we got close over freshman year. It became very apparent that we we're gay. I still worry about people from the Ku Klux Klan coming after us and Token too! Oh sweet Jesus I'd hyperventilate if they hurt Token- he's one of my best friends! I don't really want to be attacked either…this is way too much pressure!
I snapped back to reality when Bebe said, "Tweeky, baby, you need to stop zoning out."
I grabbed my hair, "Oh man, daydreaming is going to get me killed!"
She grabbed my hand and interlocked it in hers, my eyes widened at the contact, "Don't pull your hair, let me play with it!"
She looked ready to attack my head! I jumped back and leaned on the couch, without thinking about it I attached myself to the nearest person. Sadly that person was Cartman, "Ay! Bebe stop being a hair tease."
"That doesn't even make sense!" she spat back and crossed her arms like a child who didn't get her way.
"You're teasing their hair, aren't you?" He asked harshly as he munched on cheesie-poofs.
Clyde yelled from wherever he was, "It's not nice to tease, hair has feelings too!"
I scooted away from Cartman and he looked over, past me, at Butters. "Goddamnit, you made him look like a fag!"
"I-I am a fag?" said Butters innocently as he started rubbing his knuckles. Once his hands started fidgeting I started tugging at the hem of my shirt. I think our actions our connected in a way, that can't be good!
Maybe aliens surgically made our brainwaves synched when they gassed us with space drugs- they could have molested us? Or made clones of us with our blood, they could of taken samples of our DNA and now I have an evil clone walking the earth! Then he's going to get into illegal trouble and be sent to prison- no, even worse, he's sentenced to death! But instead of killing him they kill me because we're clones! Then the government-
"Conspiracies…" I muttered without even realizing it. I got up and moved over to an empty bottom bunk. I squeezed my eyes shut as my thoughts flowed from one bad thing to another.
"Whatever your thinking is completely irrational and would never happen." I froze at the voice and cautiously lifted one of my lids. Craig.
I sighed exasperated by all the commotion and my internal thoughts- maybe I really should see a therapist. Oh no! That's spelt 'the rapist', "Craig, I don't want to be raped."
"I don't promise anything." he winked at me but I know him…he would never hurt me. He put his arm around me protectively.
I smiled nervously but before I could reply Cartman spoke, "Butters, take out the damn clips and mess up your hair!"
"No! I worked really hard on that style! It's very Butter-esque, I know that for a fact because I'm gonna be a beautician one day." Bebe pulled on Butters arm and held him close.
Cartman grabbed his other arm and pulled him- Jesus, they might rip him apart, "Bebe, respect my goddamn authoritah! Women don't become beauticians they stay at home and make sammichs when their husbands are hungry!"
"You sexist asshole!" Wendy yelled from her spot by Christophe. She tends to hover over the driver's seat to make sure we don't all crash. Thank god…
"Wendy, go make me a sandwich." Craig added with a smug grin. I chuckled when Wendy fumed with anger. Though I find her nice, she still scares me shitless! She beat the bag out of Cartman when we were in grade school, just imagine what she could do now?
"Stop screaming! This bus is full of idiots!" said Stan as he grabbed a bag of chips.
"Tell me about it, I'm trying to sleep over here!" shouted Kenny from the back.
"I can tell, you won't get out of my bed…" added Kyle dryly.
"You adore my company." Kenny cooed seductively.
So many people talking! I moaned and within a nanosecond Craig comforted me by pulling me closer to him and smiling down at me, "Jesus, we should all just sh-shut -nngh- up!"
"Yeah lizten too ze-" Christophe grinned in the mirror just as I looked up, "Cute spaz."
I bolt of fear shot down my spine and my first instinct was to look away from the mirror and stare at the floor. Clearly, I'm a freak who enjoys studying the bus' carpet. I looked over at Bebe again, she was caressing Butters softly, "Don't let Cartman make fun of you. You look fabulous!"
"Coming from the spitting image of a slutbag." Cartman commented rudely.
My eyes widened in fear of Wendy attacking him for calling her best friend such a harsh name. Craig on the other hand just scoffed, clearly he was more amused than anything else. I nudged him, "Bebe, y-you're not -oh Jesus- a slut. C-Cartman's just an ass."
"Ay-" Eric fidgeted and mumbled incoherent words before deciding he couldn't think of something bad to say, "Fuck off!"
Even I know that's not an original comeback and of course Craig flipped him off, "Go eat a cheeseburger, tubby."
I smiled shyly, it's not that I don't like Craig defending me but he knows very well I can defend myself…I keep a baseball bat under my bed.
"Now entering New York City!" shouted Bebe, she grabbed my arm and I screeched for a moment due to my shock. She hugged me tightly like some stuffed animal, "Aren't you excited, Tweeky-bear? We're entering the big apple!"
Clyde yawned as he got out of bed, "I don't see an apple anywhere?"
"Too bad we can't blame his stupidity on lack of sleep." Token commented as he ruffled Clyde just to add even more bed head. Clyde's been asleep for hours, lack of sleep wouldn't be a proper reason for even an ounce of his stupidity. That's coming from the spaz that believes in underpants gnomes and panty fairies.
Just when all the fighting settled down and everyone stared out the window enjoying the view of all the high class stores and strangely dressed people. Well let's just say Christophe put me into a state of cardiac arrest, "Ne pas klaxonner putain de moi! Vous cocksucking fagot!"
Once he screamed at the taxi drivers I lost all tranquility I had- it wasn't a lot to begin with… Now I can't stop thinking about the murders walking amongst the large crowds of people, what homeless people live in which alleyways, who knows if the buildings are sturdy! If one goes down they're like dominos, they'll plummet to the ground and kill us all! Oh sweet Jesus! I don't want to die man, way too much pressure!
"OR WORSE! I could step on a piece of freshly chewed gum!" I shouted now letting my thoughts become speech. Way to go Tweek…I really can't stop myself from being a freak, can I?
Everyone was now staring on me which doesn't really help because now I'm twitching more than normal and I feel…the pressure…coming on…nngh.
"Chill, Tweek. New York will be fun." Stan said possibly attempting to reassure me that I'm not going to die but honestly he's doing a shitty job.
Craig gave me a genuine smile, "Someone needs to lay off the crack."
"Who? Cartman's mom?" asked Kyle.
"My mom is not a crack whore!" objected Cartman.
"I don't believe anyone called her a whore." Stan winked with a smug grin. Him and Kyle smiled at each other but Stan's faded quickly and his eyes darted around nervously, maybe even more nervous than me…psh, no.
Before I could process what we were doing I was being dragged down the street by a peppy Bebe and a just as peppy Butters. I mean it! They're freaking me out! We've been in every store, Bebe tries on like twenty shirts and only buys like one thing!
I. Need. Caffeine.
I looked around clothing store, clothing store, clothing store, clothing store, sunglasses hut, clothing store, clothing store, M&M store, clothing store, Starbucks! Bingo.
I became deadweight and stopped right in my tracks, which isn't a wise decision on a New York sidewalk especially in times square. Now I'm being shoved and I feel suffocated. Can't breath. Losing air. Being smothered. I'm gonna become a piece of smooshed gum! "Ah!" I yelped but luckily as Bebe would put it 'my knight in shining armor' saved me from the herd of evil New Yorkers.
"Tweekers, be careful!"
"Someone's showing some emotions." Kenny elbowed Craig with a grin.
I blushed and pulled my shirt again, "C-coffee?"
Craig smiled, you know, while he flipped Kenny off. "Of course."
As we were about to walk away Cartman started complaining again! "All we do is shop! Let's go get some fucking food!"
"Ze fatazz would want more food." said Christophe as he draped his arm around Kyle.
"Let's go get some coffee." said Craig as he rolled his eyes.
Before we could even take a step Bebe and Clyde grabbed us, "You can get coffee when we go out to dinner!" Bebe giggled.
"Which is now! I'm starving!" Clyde whined.
"Shocker." both me and Craig said in unison. I think his sarcasm is rubbing off on me. Oh no, is sarcasm contagious? Maybe it's like a disease! Like soon my voice will become dry and boring, not that I don't like Craig's voice…I do! Oh Jesus…
COFFEE! I started downing the cup that was placed in front of me. We're at some high class, fancy restaurant that I'm positive I can't afford. But look they gave me a whole pot of coffee, just for me. I smiled into my glass and let the warm fluid send a sensational tingle down my throat. As it drizzled down, I felt safer.
"Well not that this dinner isn't fabulous but who's paying for my share?" asked Kenny as he sucked the juice out of a lobster leg. "Pretend this is you, Buttercup." he sucked more, oh that pervert.
Butters blushed as red as the lobster that Kenny was sexually devouring, "Oh geez…"
"Kenny, you're disgusting." said Kyle with a roll of his eyes.
"Not like I wouldn't do ze zame to you." muttered Christophe. I along with some others we're shocked.
"See, it's human nature, Kyle. Guys want to suck cute, innocent fellows like you and my Butterbabe." Kenny laughed at Kyle's tomato face.
"No, only fags." corrected Craig. I couldn't help but look at him sadly. I never knew homosexuals could be so homophobic? What if Craig hates himself for being gay? That means he might be cutting himself! Oh Jesus, he's going to die of blood loss and leave me all alone with these people! These people might kill me! Oh no! that could've been their plan all along because Craig secretly hates me. I'm gonna die, man. I-
"Oh and it's obvious Craig would do Tweek. Clearly." said Token as he cut me off from my mind ramble- that was probably for the best…
Craig flipped them off but grinned at me, "Maybe."
I turned red like Kyle and Cartman spoke, "I can't believe all my friends are fags."
"I wonder if you'll all be future Mr. Garrisons." added Wendy and they laughed in unison.
Bebe giggled too, "No way! He's the reason our class is so fucked up. I mean we never learned anything important, we're practically taught to be gay or whores. In Kenny's case, both!"
Kenny nodded as he wiped his mouth, "Well I will sell my body to whoever pays for my meal."
I shook, "I-I don't think I can -nngh- afford th-this. Gah! Don't kill me!"
Craig put his hand on my knee, no one saw but me. "I'll pay for you."
Five minutes later…
"So here's the plan. Girls go to the restroom and escape out the emergency exit." said Kenny in a serious tone but with some excitement behind the expression. I'm shitting my pants right now…
"I don't approve of this!" said Wendy angrily. I just stared at her, I don't think it's possible for me to blink.
"Why not? We already skipped a tab this summer." said Cartman with a smirk.
Everyone now directed their attention to her shocked but I was starting to black out, "No I didn't!" is what I think she said.
"Well I don't think we paid for your salad or my sammich did we? At the beach." he laughed harshly. Everything starting to sound more volumized- that's not a word! I'm starting to lose brain cells!
"Moving on, Kenny throw the fuck up, Butters and Stan can escort you out." Said Craig in addition. Now I'm seriously freaking out! I was in the state of shock, now I'm shaking.
"Aw, dude, that's a waste of a good meal." Kenny whined.
"It's not like you paid a lot for it." Craig grinned at Kenny's misfortune. I don't think he notices me mentally panicking!
"Zen me and Kyle can 'ave a lovers dispute." Christophe smiled at Kyle and Kyle nodded with a faint blush. Heart is going to break my ribcage.
"Then me and Tweek follow behind trying to help you guys out. I mean we're great friends after all." Craig spat sarcastically. I'm past the point of hyperventilating.
"Token distract the lady at the counter with your suave moves. Make up a fake name and everything. That way Clyde and Cartman can sneak out the door without being seen." finished Kenny. Can't breath…
"The fattest people out of all of us just sneak out. Yeah that's a good choice." Stan mustered out with a smile and Wendy slapped his arm.
"Don't be mean. They're taking the biggest risk at getting caught." she whispered.
I'm going to die.
Another second went by and Wendy and Bebe easily pulled off the two best friends going to 'powder their noses'. Craig looked at me as I clenched my chest to stop my heart from over-beating. He put his arm around me, "Babe, your fine."
"Gah! We're gonna get caught -nngh- then we'll g-go to j-jail, do you know wh-what they do to people like me in jail? They m-make -nngh- me their bitch, I don't want to be r-raped! I already to-told y-you that!"
"Keep him quiet, asshole. We don't want to get caught." ordered Cartman and I couldn't help but flinch more, now people are mad at me!
"Listen, Cartman, I'll personally leave you here with the bill and two broken legs." Craig threatened and I froze. Everyone froze. Because Craig was serious.
"Well anyways- I'm gonna throw up now." said Kenny trying to break the new found tension between Cartman and Craig. He cracked his knuckles and held his stomach, let out a moan and blew chunks. It's disgusting! Germs are going to infect the air and I'm going to breath it in! Then I'm going to catch some rare disease that doctors won't be able to cure and the government won't allow them money to find a treatment for me because they have a conspiracy plan to get rid of me once and for all! And then I'm going to-
"Come on, dude." Stan patted the back of Kenny and pretended to care about his 'illness' he sighed, "Come on Butters let's help him back to the car."
"I don't know if I can go on living! My life is flashing before my eyes!" Kenny overacted and Stan elbowed him. I saw him grin stupidly but the waiters didn't notice they were apologizing to us for the situation.
"I am appalled by ze 'orrible conditions! W'at ze foock eez wrong wiz zis place?" shouted Christophe, he was a much better actor than Kenny. He shot daggers at the workers and they edged away slowly, "Zis waz me and my boyfriendz special night! I'm goeeng to keell ze w'ore, Kenny!"
He slammed down his glass cup which sent me into another set of twitches and then he started to storm out, "Don't blame our problems on Kenny! The only reason we went to dinner was because they forced you!" shouted Kyle, they actually seem very believable but I think Kyle's containing his urge to laugh- maybe I'm hallucinating. Oh man, this is bad.
Just as they stormed out Craig stood up and brought me up with him by holding my hand securely. I practically dug my nails into him due to my current fears floating around, or flooding my brain to be more specific. "J-Jesus Christ…" I muttered and bit my lip so hard, I think I taste blood. SHIT, I'm gonna need stitches!
"We're going to get our friends. They're going through a hardship." said Craig trying to be sympathetic but still speaking in his usual monotone, uncaring voice. The lady nodded kindly but still scared.
We started walking a bit faster until we were outside the restaurant, "Sweet Jesus! I fucking -nngh- hate you guys!" I shouted now trying to take in all the air at once.
Kenny was laughing his ass off, I don't see how it's funny! We could still get caught, not everyone is out yet! "Well let's just hope Cartman gets caught." Craig said to me, he was still holding my hand.
"Oh crap, I cut you!" I said almost in a new state of panic.
He looked at his hand and shook his head, then smiled, "It's fine. I still want to hold your hand."
I grinned, "You're a fluff ball."
"Only to you. Come on did you not hear the threat I gave Cartman? That was for you, baby." he chuckled and squeezed my hand gently.
"Ah! Mother fuckers, run!" shouted Clyde as he started hauling ass down the sidewalk past us. Our eyes widened together and I was running as fast as I could, which is apparently very fast.
We dodged people as we took sharp corners and hopped over Taxis. Shit they almost hit Kenny! I thought I was hyperventilating but I think I'm…laughing?
Yeah! I'm laughing! This is really fun! It's adventurous and dangerous but Craig still has my hand and nobody else is freaking out, so maybe I should calm down. I twitched again but this time with excitement and not fear.
I'm not nearly as jittery in my head as I am in person…oh shit! I'm talking to myself that means I'm going crazy- shit, they're going to lock me in a mental asylum!
I looked around at everyone's panting faces. Clyde flailing his arms, Cartman having a heart attack from the rare exercise, as Stan attempted to 'help' him by giving him a rough push every few feet, Bebe skipping while sticking her tongue back at Token mockingly-due to her winning, Wendy yelling at Kenny to be careful, Kenny almost getting hit by a bus while carrying Butters on his back! Kyle holding onto the back of Christophe's shirt to keep at pace, while Christophe held his shovel to shove others out of his way. Oh and Craig and me running rapidly- good thing I have caffeine in my system!
I guess if I were to go to an asylum it wouldn't be that bad…I'll probably be with the same people anyways…sweet Jesus that might be bad.
"Aw, dude, I think I stepped in gum..." whined Clyde.
Better him than me.