Chapter Two

Waking up in that hospital room gave me a heart attack.

Everything was white. I thought maybe I woke up in heaven before I reminded myself that God would never let me in there. I'm not good enough – I must have just been made from leftover parts after he made someone who actually had a chance.

But, see, I really don't mind it. I don't want to go to heaven. Too much pressure; everything's perfect all the time, everyone expects you to be pure. No room for mistakes. Not to say I'd like to go to hell, hell would have more pressure, more expectations. There's no place for me.

The lights were blinding. The bed was so stiff it felt like wood. Like a coffin. They were just preparing for later on, for when I wouldn't wake up.

Why I was there, I had no idea. I could remember nothing. Or nothing that mattered anyway. I remembered that I was Jade West, that I had a boyfriend who I wasn't really interested in, that I was in charge of a fortress that protected nothing but my own very pathetic reputation.

Anything that could have happened to land me in a hospital was blurred out from my memory. Just blacked out. Another faulty piece in my brain.

"I thought for a minute you wouldn't make it, you know." I started, my head jerking toward the source of the voice. And there he was, his hair ruffled, his black eyes stained red. "The doctor said you might not. He said the longer you're out, the less chance you have of coming back in." A tear ripped a scar down his cheek. "It's a really shitty thing to do, Jade. Kill yourself. It really hurt me, to find out what you tried. It's like you just don't care about anyone else."

With that said, Beck was gone. I was alone, laying on my coffin, thinking about how much I deserved that. For everything. Everything I put that boy through, all the forced 'I love you's that I didn't really mean, all the bullshit I told him about how bad I have it, how terrible my life is.

And then I was thinking about what the hell I must have done, to end up here. To make him say things like that. 'To find out what you tried.' I'm not that weak, I wouldn't do that on my darkest day. I'm not that strong.

The doctor arrived a bit later. Beck must have sent him since he didn't look too surprised to see me awake. He talked to me, but it was a meaningless conversation from which I learned nothing. I only spoke once to ask what exactly happened. He wouldn't answer.

He left soon enough, leaving me to stare at the patterned circles painted on the white ceiling. Around and around. The same thing over and over. It represents absolutely everything.

I was pulled out of sleep when the white door slammed. The nightmare I'd been having left me with adrenaline pulsing through my veins. But the white room, the closed shades – I was just brought straight back inside it. The difference was nonexistent. Was I asleep? Am I still?

The slamming of the door came to mind, so I glanced over. There she was, timidly shifting, the bags under her eyes hinting that she hadn't slept through the time span of Beck's visit in weeks.

My first thought was 'Thank God.' What came from the knife in my throat was, "What do you want, Vega?" Another failed attack. Another cheap grenade. One less in the supply.

She didn't even flinch. She just set her jaw and put on her armor. "What do you mean what do I want, Jade! What do you think I want? Do you think I came to your hospital bed to discuss anything other than what put you there?" Inside her eyes was a fire – one that would burn me if it grew anymore.

I glanced down. It's not easy, you know. Pretending I hate her when it's quite the opposite. But I am an actress. "Well then, talk," I muttered, not meeting her burning gaze.

"Fine!" she shouted, shaking the medical machines I didn't even realize I was hooked up to until now. "I will! First off, I think it's really fucking stupid for you to not have tried to get yourself help before you went and did this! I think it's really fucking ridiculous for you to even try to justify the thought that nobody cares about you when I'm right here!"

With that thrown out in there, she collapsed on the floor, sobbing. Her whole body shaking, her eyes hidden by her knees pulled to her chest. Gasping for air. Drowning in tears.

Through her sobs, a broken sentence ripped out of her chest, taking slivers of her heart with it. "I just... just don't understand w-why you won't... won't let me in," she whispered.

My heart broke. I didn't think it was functioning, truthfully – I haven't felt much from it in a long time. I ripped her armor off without even noticing.

I didn't know what I was doing until I was holding her. I'd pulled the needle from my arm. Blood was spilling out, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, nothing but her.

"You're already in," I whispered to her neck. "You just don't realize it yet." I pulled back, looking in her eyes.

The fire had turned to ashes.

A/N - I'm not a hundred percent sure what to call that up there. Hardened fluff. Steel wool? Doesn't matter much, call it what you want. I'm not into labels.

Oh, by the way, it's only going to get more depressing from here on out. So you have that to look foward to. :D