A/N: Hey Everyone!
PANICKEDCHAPTERTHATIMANAGEDTOSQUEEZEIN!
I hope you guys in joy it. PLOT DEVELOPMENTS YAY!
Your name is John Egbert and you are wiping the tear off the screen of your laptop.
Once it is gone, you stare straight ahead, your hips swivelling with the desk chair you're sitting in. You are crushed. Reduced to dust. You don't know what to do anymore. You can't seem to breath right. The air is going in and out of your lungs, in, out, in, out, but you don't seem to be absorbing it. You feel yourself beginning to panic. Your breathing comes more rapidly.
In
Out
In
Out
In
Out
In
Out
In Out In Out In Out
InOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOut InOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOut InOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOut InOutInOutInOutInOutInOut
You place your head in your hands and try to calm yourself. You can not break down, you've been doing so well. Not now. Not ever are you going to break down.
Once you slow your breathing down a little and the tears aren't coming out so quickly, you open up the log that set you off and scroll to the top. You know it will only make you more upset, but you figure you deserve it at this point, if you could seem so...
You look at your screen and see that Jade is pestering you. You can't just ignore her, not even if you are a mess. She would be upset and probably yell at you next time you saw her. You sigh and click on the tab.
gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 19:57
GG: john!
GG: :)
EB: hey there harley
EB: how's it goin'?
GG: i'm doing pretty well
GG: ...
GG: how are you?
EB: i'm doing alright, i guess.
GG: are you sure?
EB: yeah
EB: why?
GG: no reason
GG: i was just talking with dave and
EB: no
EB: i am not going there jade,
EB: i do not want to talk about it right now.
GG: john...
EB: i just...
EB: i just need to think...
EB: things aren't all that great right now.
GG: well whats going on?
EB: ...
GG: my friend rose would say its good to talk it out
GG: at least
GG: i think thats what she'd say...
EB: i don't know, jade...
GG: you dont have to tell me now if you dont want to
GG: but were family
GG: and i want to help you :)
EB: ...
EB: thanks jade.
GG: youre welcome! :)
GG: i just want you to know that you can talk to me any time you like!
EB: okay.
EB: i've actually got to go do homework now
GG: oh!
GG: okay
GG: i guess well talk later?
EB: yeah
EB: we'll talk :)
GG: ill see ya later john
EB: bye jade
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 20:20
You look at the screen and you can say that you feel mildly better that your cousin cares about you, even if you don't. You open your log with Dave again and begin to drag yourself back down into the pit.
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:36
TG: john
TG: john
TG: john
TG: john
EB: dave.
TG: there you are man
TG: i was beginning to worry
EB: really?
TG: no
TG: seriously man youre so predictable
EB: ...
EB: well okay then?
TG: so whats going on in derpton?
EB: sigh
EB: nothing really
EB: like always
EB: shitty little derpton
TG: why are you still there
TG: actually though
TG: from what ive heard
TG: it sucks ass
TG: hardcore
EB: pretty much haha
TG: ive just had an idea
EB: …
EB: care to share?
TG: not really
TG: unless you pay the fine
EB: what?!
TG: fivethousand
TG: pay up
EB: !
TG: no takers?
TG: no one?
EB: dave!
EB: come on dave! i really want to know!
TG: well
TG: since your my bro i guess i can let this one slide
TG: you could move
TG: anywhere you want
TG: move closer to jade or someone else you care about
EB: ...
EB: are you insinuating that i move closer to you, dave?
TG: fuck no
EB: why? i thought we were bros!
TG: dude
TG: no
TG: i would never be able to find you at the airport
TG: youd be stuck there for years
TG: stumbling around like a ghost
TG: whered dave go? youd ask
TG: and no one would answer because who the fuck knows who dave strider is
TG: and then id finally find you years later and youll be a hobo
TG: and i can tell that youd make a pretty horrible hobo
EB: how would you even know?
EB: you don't even know what I look like!
TG: trust me
TG: i know
EB: ...
EB: dave
EB: i've just had a thought as well
TG: oh shit
TG: not a thought
TG: please not a thought
TG: i dont think i'll be able to handle it
EB: shut up
EB: i was just wondering why we've never skyped before
EB: ...
EB: dave?
EB: you there?
TG: yeah man sorry
TG: had to talk to rose for a sec
EB: that's cool
TG: yeah shes being a pain again
EB: dave
TG: shes just like
TG: you havent picked up your room for over a year you need to do it
EB: dave
TG: which is not true
TG: its only been about a year
EB: DAVE!
TG: what
EB: you're avoiding the subject again
TG: i dont know what youre talking about
EB: dont do this dave,
EB: we do this dance every time i bring up skyping.
EB: i just don't get it.
EB: i'd like to be able to talk to my best friend face to face.
TG: ...
TG: im your best friend?
EB: yes dave!
EB: you're my only friend...
TG: …
TG: im your only friend?
EB: is it repeat an egbert day today?
TG: john
TG: why dont you have any friends
EB: why? it doesn't matter.
TG: im allowed to be concerned.
TG: your my best bro and you dont have any friends
EB: im your best bro?
TG: oh god lets not start this again
TG: really dude
TG: is something going on over there?
EB: what would give you that impression?
TG: a lot of things actually
TG: none that we need to talk about right now
EB: yes i think we do
EB: …
EB: has karkat said anything to you?
TG: and what if he had?
EB: *sigh
EB: what did he say?
TG: …
EB: DAVE! i need to know
EB: you can't just keep this from me
TG: he said
TG: and i have no idea if hes right or not
TG: i have no idea how close you two were...
TG: but he said you were gay.
TG: …
TG: john my man
TG: cant just leave me hanging over here
TG: come on bro
You remember staring at the screen for a solid five minutes before you were snapped out of you reverie only to be met with a wall of red text begging for your attention.
TG: im gonna go buy a plane ticket john
TG: im gonna fly out to derpton, wa
TG: just to kick your ass for ignoring me
TG: im getting online now
TG: oh look
TG: theres the ticket button right there
TG: last chance john
TG: 3...
TG: ...2...
TG: ...1...
TG: alright john ill see you in a few hours
EB: dave what
EB: jesus
TG: took you long enough
EB: sorry i was responding to jade
TG: shes on vacation in the alps
TG: they dont get service dipshit
TG: dont avoid me
EB: …
TG: im just going to assume the worst if you dont say anything man
EB: …
EB: i've just come up with a compromise
EB: i'll tell you everything that's going on with me...
EB: over skype.
TG: …
TG: i dont need to know everything right now
TG: i can weasle it out of you later
TG: i just want to know if what karkat told me is true
EB: that's cheating
TG: i obviously do not give a single fuck
TG: tell me john
EB: i don't see why it matters!
TG: youre my bro john and id like to know if youre gay
TG: it seems like something you'd tell your bro
EB: i still dont see it dave
TG: come on egbert just tell me
TG: i even reverted back to the breakfast muppets
EB: no dave
TG: tell me
EB: NO DAVE!
TG: i can basically tell what it is at this point anyway
EB: YOU KNOW WHAT?
EB: FUCK IT!
EB: I'M GAY
EB: I LIKE GUYS
EB: NOT GIRLS
EB: THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT
EB: AND TRUST ME, I'VE TRIED
EB: AND IT GOT OUT AT MY SCHOOL AND I'M DOING MY BEST TO MAKE SURE MY DAD DOESN'T FIND OUT.
EB: AND I'M TRYING TO COPE WITH EVERYTHING AT ONCE AND PRESSURING ME DOES. NOT. HELP.
TG: …
EB: is that what you wanted to hear, dave?
EB: huh?
TG: wow john
EB: yeah i know
EB: so
EB: are you going to tell me why you won't skype, now?
TG: …
EB: cause i think i deserve at least that
TG: i know you do
TG: but i just
TG: i just cant
EB: fine
EB: whatever
TG: john
EB: i've gotta go
TG: wait man
EB: bye dave
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 19:32
You close the window again and sigh. You knew it would make you upset. You knew it wouldn't do you one lick of good. And what do you do? You read it... you're so stupid.
You get up from the computer and go you your window. You look up at the almost full moon for a moment before opening the window and sitting on the sill with your legs resting on the shingles of a protruding room on the first floor. You look at your feet for a while and you force yourself to stare off into space. You had realized a while ago that only this and sleep would provide you with an escape from the failure of a life you find yourself enduring. As your mind wanders, your eyes begin to drift down the shingles and takes the drop to the soft grass that runs along the side of your house. You begin to wonder what it would be like to fall from there. To just let yourself go and tumble to the ground. It wouldn't be high enough to kill you, but maybe the pain would make you feel better.
You snap yourself out of your trance and look down at your hands. You see a ring of red, nearly bruised, flesh around your right wrist from where your left was gripping and twisting. You look at it again and prod the slightly swollen skin. Where you touch turns white for a moment and then fades back to red, like a sunburn. You hadn't even realized you were gripping yourself so hard. All that you had felt was pressure, but it never seemed to be quite enough.
You feel tears in your eyes as you climb back inside. You stretch your cramped muscles and instantly regret it as pain shoots up your torso. You hiss in pain and lift up your shirt to inspect your injuries. You groan when you realize that none of the bruises have gone away. Your body is blotched with a sick tye dye of blacks and purples and a sickly yellow color in the case of the bruises that were trying to heal. You prod one of them and feel a flair of fire-like pain. You pull your shirt down with tears in your eyes and go to bed.
You stare at your wrist again and grip it with all your might