Chapter Ten

All the music I listen to now is in foreign languages.

I like it. When I don't know what they're saying. That way, I don't have to think about it much. I can just get through it without trying to decode every word into what I want it to mean. Because when I don't know what it means, it doesn't have to mean anything.

I got back into my room a bit after I was removed from it. The walls were spotless. My mark was gone. I have to ask someone who works there what cleaning supplies they use.

Vega followed me in. She sat on my bed, patting the place next to her. Either inviting me to sit or killing a bug.

I sat anyway.

It sucks. Being dependent on her. It's almost painful. I went through my whole life alone; it really shouldn't hurt so bad to try to keep her out.

"You shouldn't take anything I say seriously, you know," I muttered to her.

She looked over, her eyebrows raising in question.

I cleared my throat. "It's just that most of the time I'm lying," I continued quietly. "I just don't really say things how I mean them."

She smiled reassuringly. "I know, Jade," she replied. "Don't worry about it so much. I know it's hard for you to say how you feel."

It's not exactly hard for me to say it, I thought. I'm just afraid of how it'll sound.

I have no sense of hunger anymore. The only way I know it's time to eat is when the bell rings for lunch here. The alarm.

They watch you, the people working. Make sure you're eating. If you won't, they'd shove it down your throat in one way or another, I'm sure of it.

You see, we're all science experiments. We're here so that normal people who are having a bad day can look at us and say, 'Well, it could be worse.'

You know what really shows my insanity? The fact that there has been points in my life when I'd think that the whole purpose in it is entertainment.

That some higher power is looking down on me, watching me screw up. Try to resolve my problems. Try to run from my problems. Try to end my problems with a pocketknife. Knows more about me than I know about myself. Am I suicidal? Am I out of my mind? Does any of that actually matter anymore?

I know Vega's told me to stop worrying, to relax a bit. I can't. It's not physically possible for me. I'm so used to it now, this being uptight, I can't remember what it was like to be calm.

I don't know if I ever was.

Music can give me a glimpse into a sane mind every once and a while. Really good harmony. Or a brilliant melody. But sometimes, when the lyrics come from the heart, it's dangerous. Because then I'm ripped out of that sanity, and shoved straight back into my mind.

And then it's worse. After I get to see what I could be like. It hurts a lot more then, being like me.

Awhile ago, before I realized I didn't want heaven or hell, I came up with this: I'd rather go straight to hell than have a taste of heaven ripped away.

That makes me scared to go for things. Like Tori. It might be good for awhile, if it got anywhere, but when it ended it would be terrible.

It's times like these, when I realize that, that I feel lost. I have no idea what to do. Ever. And I suppose I should just let it happen, go along with it. But that's not an option for me in anything.

"Jade," Tori said, looking at me. I looked back at her, startled. "You okay?" she asked gently.

"Yeah...," I trailed off, coming out of my thoughts. "Sorry, just thinking is all." I stood, walking over to the window, pulling the white shade up and glancing out. People outside, getting their Vitamin D.

"About what?" she asked, closer than I thought she'd be. Right behind me. Analyzing.

I hesitated. But I'm done with hesitation. "How does it feel?" I questioned, not turning, my voice coming out softer than I figured it would.

She came closer, putting her chin on my shoulder. "How does what feel?" she asked in a voice that made me think she probably knew what I was asking about.

"Being normal," I whispered down to her.

She sighed, wrapping her arms around my waist. "I'm far from normal, Jade," she whispered back, pushing my hair away, revealing my skin. Then she placed her lips in a firm kiss on the side of my neck.

She turned down the bed covers before she left.

A/N - I'm goin on a road trip type of thing today. So I had to get up at this unholy hour to update this.

Should be fun, I suppose. Probably not. Oh well. I probably won't update again until real late today or tomorrow. Just hope for the best.

I love all you guys who reviewed, by the way! Even if you only did it to prove both of your hands were undamaged. Works for me.

For those of you who haven't reviewed... eh, I love you anyway!