Chapter Eleven

Actors are so dramatic.

It's because we live in movies, where every little gesture means something important. Someone's life story crammed into two hours. Every glance, every picture needs to have symbolism.

I don't know which is more accurate: my life or some fictional character's. Not that big of a difference, I guess.

Tori must have really low standards, to be even remotely interested in me.

They don't let me have writing utensils anymore. With good reason, but it still feels like a violation of the Constitution.

Now that my room will never be anything but white, I spend no time in it. I sleep in the lobby. Nobody notices, I'm just another shadow.

It hasn't caused a lock down, 'cause nobody cares enough to realize my room is vacant. Figures.

There's a couple big windows overlooking the city in the lobby. They made me realize how much I hate this city.

It's ridiculous, how much we all get so absorbed in our own lives. Everyone passes by each other, not sparing a second glance. Unless you're attractive.

Just keep walking, thinking you have somewhere to be. But you're going nowhere.

Nowhere at all.

Now's a good time for that whole Noah's Ark thing again, God. As if you're listening.

But I get over the disgusting view as soon as I realize it adds thousands of colors to that white wall. And I love that; the way it calms me.

It's hard to hate a city when you love it.

It's hard to hate a girl when you love her.

The desert's growing.

It's called overgrazing. Animals eat grass around the border, the desert gets bigger. And bigger. It'll just keep growing, until it consumes us all.

Now the cities are growing, too. Consuming our minds. Changing the way we think.

If you think about the story, sure, Noah was a nice guy, but does that mean everyone else in the world was evil?

What makes someone evil? Is anyone really evil? Am I evil? Am I possessed by some demon who's making me think this way? If I am, is it my fault?

Wouldn't that make Noah evil, not throwing life rafts out to the people drowning around him? Did they all go to hell? What makes their disbelief so bad? Is it a terrible thing, thinking for yourself, not being gullible?

And who's fault is it if they're evil? Surely they can't be blamed. God created them, if he didn't want them to fuck up their lives, he shouldn't have given them the will to!

God's judgment is supposed to be above all else. Well, what about my judgment? Does that matter at all? Can't I think for myself?

I hate this – sounding like a confused, lost little kid. Asking questions everyone gets offended by, but never has the answers to.

What people don't get is reading the Bible doesn't give you the right to call yourself Christian. My father thinks he's a Christian.

I don't think I should even have to tell you how wrong he is.

Reading the book is just meant to get you started on thinking about morals, how you should live. It's not meant to give you specific directions. You're not supposed to tell anybody they're living their lives wrong, that's supposed to be God's job, that's the whole damn point!

So, yeah, now I'm an atheist.

Sometimes I buy a blank calendar. Then I don't touch it for a year. Then I rip it apart and place it in the garbage truck personally.

Another year gone by, nothing to show for it. Twelve months gone from my life. Fifty-two point one seven weeks, still as fucked as ever.

It's just to be sure that I know that time is passing. That I'm aging. That I might not have too much of my life left. That I'm still doing nothing with it.

I don't celebrate New Years. I mourn old ones.

I mourn nothing else.

Some people think I have a heart. A soul.

They're wrong.

I didn't cry at my mother's funeral. So go ahead, try and justify that. The one who gave birth to me, someone who made me exist. And I didn't even cry.

Actually, I think that's the problem.

I don't want to exist.

A/N - JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR... I'm definitely not trying to offend anyone or to compromise anybody's religion. Just emphasizing on the loss of faith going on here.

If you're not Christian, I didn't use Christianity because I think it's better or something. Just because there are a lot of idiots that claim to be from that religion. It's all about love and acceptance, but some people don't really... get that.

Not to say all Christians are idiots or something. That's ridiculous. It's got good morals, if you're smart enough to figure them out.

Jumping out of that minefield, how was it? Good? Bad? Did it make you cry? No idea how to classify that.