Kakashi POV TW: Challenging Thoughts, PTSD, Trauma
That Same Night In Another City
Kakashi lazily sprawled on the couch, the clock on the wall kept him company with its silent everlasting ticks. Come on. How long are they going to take? If he had known the couple were going to take their sweet time, he would've let them at it. The sound of lips against one another was too much to endure, dredging up his own loneliness. Cursing his exceptional hearing, Kakashi exhaled the full extent of his lungs. Jiraiya and Tsunade both knew I was coming…
At one time, he was like them. In love. Resoundingly caught in the whirlwind of devotion and passion for his ex-lover. He recounted the moments he gave into the fierce, passionate kisses Anko once placed on his lips, threatening to consume him whole. How surprised he was by the tenderness she displayed, the way she coaxed him into revealing emotion he hated to display before. Yielding to that unparalleled force hadn't meant much in the end, he could give her everything except what she wanted. Her voicemail rattled everything in his cage, the resentment washing through him in waves as he tried to justify their breakup in his head. His head careened between his legs, finally hearing soft footsteps and shuffling of drawers, clothes being donned.
His dear friends rarely closed the door since the hotel was so heavily monitored. It was convenient for meeting places, and offered anonymity when the group of colleagues required it. It was an open secret among those in their circle. Yet few souls were as brave or foolish as Kakashi to waltz in. Tsunade served as a powerful ally for her ability to see through bullshit, offering whatever intel she had to direct Kakashi to trustworthy scholars and business associates.
She was one of the few women who weren't afraid of his standoffish attitude, giving Kakashi a peace of her mind when she deemed so. While he was good at making himself scarce among such occasions, Kakashi accidentally witnessed the older couple's deep love for one another, almost vomiting profusely on the spot. This time, he left the lights off and opted for a nearby lamp's amber light.
Today, the desperation didn't let him sit still.
Because Tsunade spent more time at Jiraiya's penthouse, Kakashi's older colleague no longer ventured to his usual watering hole, resulting in Kakashi requesting an audience, and promptly hopping on the next flight to a city a thirty minute plane ride away. The experience felt strange, his skin crawled with added discomfort at this fact. Reaching out always felt like pulling teeth, but he admitted it was necessary.
The uneasiness in his stomach wouldn't assuage, and he was at a loss with himself. Mulling over thoughts in his head only ran him in circles. They looped back to the lie he told himself out of self-preservation.
It's ok.
It sounded wrong. It felt like twisting a knife in his abdomen.
As a veteran not many understood the deep hatred and disgust for oneself, festering in the recesses of the mind. A plague. On most days, it agonized someone to the point of falling into the deepest pits of hell to find the corner one makes for themselves. It's endlessly burning, and finding that sometimes it felt good. If the incessant stream of accusing voices drifted away, you'd turn into a husk of your former self, and it'd be worth it. Of course it was worth it.
It's ok, the young veteran often told himself. Because if it wasn't, there would be nothing left of him anymore. To escape being engulfed, the only thing left was to embrace the awful truth of death, desperation, and isolation.
Being strong was never an option, but he always had a reason. After the war ended, being strong didn't have the same meaning, and surviving daily became a different battle. Kakashi could hold himself together after running empty for so long. He wanted to keep going until he truly burned away into nothing, if anything help the others. Then suddenly, Anko appeared, telling him so bluntly he was selling himself short. Reminding him they had all accomplished what they had to, and that it was okay to feel utterly exhausted and drained, but that letting go would only mean surrendering after the battle was already over.
A pang of pain had him gripping the left side of his face.
After trying to maintain focus throughout neverending work and battling constant nightmares, his eye gave him pounding headaches again. He'd meant to see a doctor, but teaching at the university took up most of his time, especially after co-sponsoring the medical program and directing it. He was definitely in trouble after putting it off for so long. Kakashi could handle an earful from most people, so it didn't do much to change his habits.
He knew one person that would understand his needs without needlessly getting on his case, hoping but never expecting Tsunade might take a look at it tonight. Although, her evil eye could finally be the death of me. Looking through his fingers, Kakashi idly tracked the pattern of the flooring, wondering if this purgatory and hell was indeed too good for him.
"It looks worse than last time." A woman's voice came from beside him, her cool hands carefully exploring his temples. Closing his eyes to the familiar view of pale strands of hair, he pulled the band off his head. The exhaustion sunk into his bones, weighing him to the couch.
"I know. I think the lack of sleep compounds it." Her prompt huff tickled his hair.
A deep voice disrupted the quiet, "I see you like the recliner. Are your students running you into the ground yet?"
"I'm already there," as if the words were drug from his lips, Kakashi battled the heavy fog settling in his mind for only a moment before he swiftly fell into a deep slumber. Nothing could keep him awake any longer as he succumbed to the peacefulness encompassing his body.
In whispers, Tsunade and Jiraiya discussed the teacher's unconscious state.
Sai POV
If Sai was unsure about anything, it involved meeting people.
During Dan's charity and fundraiser events, Sai never spoke personally with anyone. He got by with exchanging brief formalities, mostly commandeered to fall into the background by Dan by way of spying on others' conversation. Sai found himself in a similar situation among a close-knit group of friends setting up a large portable table. He mostly sat observing, listening occasionally to Sakura and Ino chat with a few other partygoers. After being introduced to those present at the moment, Sai learned Sakura and Ino had grown up and attended school with many friends, most of whom would be attending tonight's makeshift birthday celebration. Although, the celebration was for an older friend who wasn't even an alumni at their school.
"Shikamaru, what did Sasuke and Naruto end up saying? Are they coming?" Ino's question prompted a pointed look from Shikamaru who shrugged his shoulders, chewing on some indiscriminate item. Surrounding chatter stuttered as if waiting to hear an answer.
"Guess not. They both had plans."
"Hm."
Sai noticed the shifty eyes everyone wore, and specifically noted Sakura's lack of contribution, seemingly ignoring the topic. He cataloged the tidbit of information alongside another concerning the hosts of tonight's ordeal: Sakura and Shikamaru. Sakura had sneakily communicated in whispers about a possible romance between the birthday girl and her reserved friend, Shikamaru. Now, Sai hesitated, wondering what unspoken words lingered in the air and what sort of tangled web Sasuke and Naruto might have been entangled in with Sakura. Are they family? Is one an ex-lover?
So, as if he were at one of Dan's gatherings, he considered his next course of action, taking a moment to collect his thoughts and help himself to much needed hydration.
Ino was the first to speak, "Shikamaru, there's still some things left in the car."
Paying no heed to glances cast her way, Sakura made her way through various bins full of decorations and supplies. She hadn't so much as met anyone's eye since the question had been asked, allowing Sai to mull over his options. At what point to approach someone he could feel technically "close" with.
During such moments, Sai appreciated his training, coming in handy when he lacked insight. It was his second nature to observe in the shadows, practically becoming them. Yet, he almost regretted not learning who they were. Learning so many different profiles would be odious since he was trying to further himself from his stepfather's bubble of influence. If he was to truly leave his past behind him, he'd endure life as any other normal person by letting events occur as naturally and spontaneously as they came. It was a balance that continuously tipped from wanting to gather as much information as possible and wanting to push further into a world he struggled to understand. How comfortable he had gotten with having the upper hand in most scenarios. Where before, Sai intricately wove in and out of conversation, delegating what information to relay or attain on behalf of Dan's company, now, he wondered just what he was supposed to do with himself. It felt quite like a fish being taken out filthy water, and being put in a fresh new environment. Refreshing, but… untested waters.
Looking for some sense of direction, he looked towards his hosts. Ino carried supplies from a nearby parked car, complaining loudly to Shikamaru who followed in her wake. He quickly found his pink-haired friend picking up supplies the former pair brought, but didn't get to see her side profile since it was obscured by her hair as she busied herself. She had foregone the bear sweater earlier proclaiming it was too warm now. The wind had died down considerably, the gardens gently lit atmosphere generated enough warmth for everyone's skin to glisten with sweat as they moved materials to and fro. Sai's gaze cut to Sakura's hair, watching pale waves fluttering along her shoulders.
"Choji, the professor specifically said to bring the bare minimum," Sakura berated a heavyset fellow filling a third small table with an assortment of barbecued meats.
Behind Choji, Sakura strung lanterns among the looming tree branches, using a step stool to reach the taller limbs. The stool teetered precariously as Sakura struggled to hang the last light, missing a targeted twig by only a few centimeters, unleashing a colorful stream of curses Sai never imagined would come out of her mouth.
Summoned by the distress, Sai made his way over to bring the twig lower when Sakura swayed, nearly toppling over.
"Godfuckingdamnit," she hissed at the branch, disobeying her command to just do it.
He passed Kiba, a boisterous animal-lover who was studying for veterinary school, overhearing him arguing with a newcomer he hadn't met yet. The individual resembled a shadow because he was practically covered from head to toe. Sai looked back to Sakura, the dark image lingering in his mind, when suddenly, a searing pain shot through his skull. The sensation paralyzed him for a moment, causing dizziness to nearly take him to the ground. Taken aback, he slowly pressed his fingers to his head, attempting to focus on the girl just ahead of him until the pain subsided. As he looked up, he came to a stop beside Sakura on her tiptoes. The loop of the lantern scuffed the branch, refusing to go any further.
"Hello," smiling through his pain, he greeted Sakura, and pulled the twig to a level Sakura could reach.
"I thought there was someone there, you're so quiet," Sakura planted her feet on the stool securely, reaching into her pants pocket for a small black remote. Orange, blue, red, and pink balls of light glowed against their faces.
She was much closer to his height on the stool, her eyes shining with excitement as they took in the scenery. The table now had a myriad of solo cups full of different drinks, including a 2-layer verdant cake and small gift boxes and bags teeming with decorative tissue paper. A banner displayed, "Happy Birthday Temari", for all to see.
"Thanks, Sai. I'm glad you came, even if you don't know us too well."
Before he could think to formulate a reply, Kiba drew their attention, "Shikamaru says they're coming! They're coming around the arts building!" Sai barely perceived a green figure dart under a nearby table.
Sakura stepped off the stool and approached the group in wait, "I'm turning off the lights, everyone be quiet!"
A few more people had clearly arrived, but Sai didn't get to survey anything else as the darkness shrouded the area again. Rustling noises and shuffles could be heard as everyone crouched and hid themselves. Unsure of where to place himself, Sai attempted to crawl behind the tree. His hand was suddenly yanked to the left causing him to fall off balance and toward the force of motion, and he reflexively put his hands out in motion. A soft "oof", and the thud of bodies colliding were loud in Sai's ears.
Ignoring the minor embarrassment, he couldn't help the shock for being caught off guard. He wanted to apologize immediately, but didn't dare disobey the command to be silent. It was his first time attending a surprise party, and he refused to ruin it with his awkward mannerisms.
After deliberating the thoughts in his mind, Sai noticed his prolonged action, throwing himself aside in one move. Again, he felt a smaller hand take his, stilling him completely. The dirt and small pebbles stuck to his palms were forgotten. He could barely make out the dark form next to him on the floor, only sensing the presence close to him.
Sakura's voice whispered, "Are you ok?"
Sai let out a small breath of relief that he wasn't reprimanded. He learned from his stepfather that such accidents likened oneself to an unwanted clumsy buffoon. Dan's advice surfaced once more, don't step out of line. The constant need to be neat, efficient and silent reverberated throughout him.
"Yes. I'm okay." It had to be true. Sai concluded the pain from earlier had to have been a migraine, which had dulled to an ebbing ache. He considered consulting his mother, but thought better of it knowing his mother would probably take him home to personally look after him.
A girl's exceptionally soft voice interrupted his horrendous imagination, relaying Shikamaru's and Temari's nearing footsteps.
Sai grew steadily weary of how to hold himself in such situations, and considered looking for books on social etiquette when he next visited the library for homework research. The last thing he wanted was to make a fool of himself.
Soon, he heard another girl speak in a tone more rich and demanding, "Shikamaru, you taking me somewhere dark better not be some wise idea,-"
It could've been coincidence, but at that moment Sakura had decided they were close enough to light up the area, revealing a springing bunch of new adults shouting words of surprise and cheer. Even though Sai couldn't personally muster the gall to cheer, he clapped for the merry meeting.
The subject of celebration gave an earful to Shikamaru, the argument lost among simultaneous conversation breaking out among the troupe of merry friends. Among them, he inspected new faces he hadn't seen before; individuals with pale eyes, a brown haired girl with twin buns, and another male with stark features contrasted with a ridiculous green unitard.
He could hear Ino distinctly, even through Kiba's shouting, "Hey! How is everyone?"
Sai wondered how they could be so at ease, and free. What did these kinds of festivities mean to them? Did their parents know that they were certainly disobeying their professors advice with too many decorations or presents or delicious delicacies? Campus policy strictly forbade gatherings outside of university events, club gatherings, and classes. Sai wanted to avoid bad remarks on his student record, unsure of what being caught would bring about in terms of consequences. If the others had been attending the university longer than him then surely they must know the answers he sought.
He approached Ino who was busy digging into a backpack. She pulled out a camera when he leaned in discreetly to voice his concerns, "Is this illegal?"
Immediately, her blue eyes drooped, looking quite apologetic. She hesitated, offering him an awkward, "Not really? A few of us are in the gardening club, and we asked permission from the agriculture department to be here tonight. I'd say as long as we're not too rowdy and clean up after ourselves no one will come looking or mind us being here."
Behind Ino, he could see Kiba and a small white dog being tossed into the air by the unitard wearer shouting, "LEEE!"
Ino cringed, but didn't heed the loud crash nearly flattening her.
"Sakura will vouch for us anyway, she's on the student council. Don't worry, k? We've got it handled." She muttered her final words gravely, directing a sideways glare in their direction. As if they were a prayer summoning dark forces, all the joy from before quieted and Ino slowly twisted herself. Stomps from the other side of the party diverted the attention of everyone, turning their heads towards the source. Sai had never seen such intimidation from women, not even from his mother when he had accidentally drawn over an entire wall, resulting in an afternoon of discipline with Dan. To him, most methods of punishment were inferior by his stepfather's criteria of correcting insolence in subordinates.
By now Kiba and who he guessed was Lee, were cowering messes. The former of which appeared to be playing dead or perhaps laying submissively in wait for admonishment.
"Sakura, wait. I'm really sorry, I just wanted to show him the fruits of my training over the summer."
A pale eyed man was unforgiving, "I told him not to overdo it. Of course he had to show off." He continued his conversation with the bun-haired girl as most others moved on to catch up with each other. The gathering reminded him faintly of a reunion.
It seemed everyone else but Sai expected the tiny pink-haired lady to ferociously shake the two by their collars, displaying a spectacular show of violence as Ino gave them a stern lecture about self control until they were doing just as she instructed.
He couldn't help but offer, "If you really want to teach them, I can show you a few things I've learned." Immediate push back ensued.
"Hey, I don't just let anyone push me around! Who are you anyway?"
"Right. I only allow a select few like Sakura and my teacher to berate me!"
Sighing, Sakura replied, "That's not necessary Sai. These two goofballs just needed a reminder. Actually, I've yet to introduce you,"- she motioned to each of them in order- "Kiba and Lee, this is Sai. Sai, these are my childhood peers and very good friends."
They were probably good friends, but weren't well mannered or strategic.
"Aren't you too old to be ditzy?"
Halfway through their greetings, the current dynamic duo took obvious offense to his reasonable query.
Not even Sakura could stop her friend Kiba from becoming inflamed, "Are you trying to start a fight because if you're looking for it,-" He attempted to size Sai up, closing the distance between their faces as Sakura quickly got between them.
Her voice was now angry, void of Sai's concern, "Sai, what the hell are you doing?"
Again, the ruckus reached a climax upon Temari's divine intervention, consisting of a brief warning and simultaneously whacking the lot of their group with a large wooden fan.
The woman's words dripped with promise of retribution, "I knew better than to expect no trouble at my birthday party and graduate send-off by you guys,"-enunciating the "you", her cold gaze met Sai's, "but I don't even know the troublemaker this time." He gave nothing away to those angry, moss eyes as they pierced into him.
The only thing left to do was to be polite, so he gave his signature smile, "I'm Sai. I'm leaving now." There was no point in staying, not with so many oddballs and their frivolous practices.
Temari stuck her nose up in good riddance as he walked off into the night, unaware of Sakura's crestfallen face. The others dismissed the guest as inconsiderate and rude, quickly forgetting the disturbance. Sakura smiled for the others, unwilling to let her disappointment get the best of her. She had been instructed with watching him, but of course, she had let her hopes get the best of her. While the night concluded on a happy note, her thoughts of Sai spun indignantly as if they had a mind of their own. Sakura decided she didn't like the guy next door very much, he made her angry. She figured she only needed one asshole in her life anyway.
4 Hours Earlier
The lights in the restaurant hung annoyingly low, almost in a position fit to obscure the profile of the person to be seated across from him. Laminate wood booths sat tall, offering privacy from table to table and muffling the hum of talk. The seated gentleman didn't care for an exceedingly private setting, finding it frivolous of his friend to take his request for "some privacy" so seriously. Even the window's glass had a blackout tint, permitting only customers to see through the glass from inside. Consulting in this condition sent the impression that the topic of discussion was of utmost importance and secrecy when his intentions were meant to be an idle chat of the state of affairs. Taking into account his peer's need to talk as well conveyed the idea that maybe there was an important item to discuss. The seconds dragged onto minutes, until he began to feel restless. It was unlike Shikamaru to be late.
"Sasuke. Sorry, I was picking something up."
"Shikamaru. Please sit. Temari's send off, right? Let her know I said congratulations."
"You know you could just come by and see her yourself right? You haven't seen the others in a while." As he thought, the lamp shade partially obscured Shikamaru's eyes.
"I'm attending my father's reinstatement fundraiser tonight. As the mayor's son, I thought you'd be in attendance."
"My dad doesn't need me tonight, especially since I have a prior engagement. I'm guessing your brother is going?" Sasuke's gaze fell to the window, partly because he didn't care for Shikamaru's reproach, and the commotion of a group running past several bystanders had drawn their attention. Irritation bubbled inside him after recognizing a certain girl. It took Sasuke a moment to feel the gaze on the back of his head.
"Small world, I guess."
"Yes…"
"Let Itachi know I said hi."
Without another word, the Nara clan member picked himself up and left.
Sasuke didn't see his brother that night.