Chapter Five - Placating Falsehoods
Edward leaned back in his chair, holding up his arms in front of him in a gesture of submission. Only I could tell it was completely false. He was smug and triumphant, feeling victorious, and was faking this show of compromise and complacency.
"Of course, Emmett. I realize you're right. All of you should write your goodbye letters, and I promise I will deliver them into her hands personally when I tell her goodbye myself. I am going to gradually withdraw over the next two or three days to give her time to accept the inevitability. I will give you her letters the day before I go and give her the opportunity to respond to them. I'll bring any letters she writes to you with me when I join you in Alaska. I appreciate your understanding and support, family. Perhaps you are all right, and we are meant to be together, but I must give her this last opportunity to have a human life, or I'll never be able to live with myself. What if she regrets her decision after her change? What if she misses the opportunity to be a mother as Rose and Esme do? I cannot in good conscience change her without giving her one more opportunity to change her mind, to remember the good things about being human without the glamour of our beauty, gifts, wealth, and immortality to distract her. As long as we are around her, she only sees the part she wants to see. We unconsciously draw her in with our very natures. She is always talking about how we 'dazzle' humans, even unintentionally. How can she be expected to make an unbiased choice when everything about us distracts her from the truth of our predatory existence? Our looks, our voices, our smells, all of it lulls her into a false sense of security. We need to remove ourselves from the picture, at least for a little while, and give her the opportunity to really realize what she stands to lose by becoming one of us. She has isolated herself until our family members are virtually her only friends, her only companions. How can she be expected to even consider the human world and human life when she doesn't spend any time with other humans, exploring human pursuits and pastimes? We are corrupting her decision making process simply by virtue of consuming her time and energy. Yes, we enjoy her company and she enjoys ours, but how can she even compare human companionship to ours when we give her no time to pursue it? And, it's not as if we can just tell her to have Human Night once a week, like a Girls Night Out. You all know how stubborn she is. If we are here, she will resist, because she wants to spend all her time with us. She refuses to make time for her human friends and human experiences, because she naturally prefers to be with us. If we don't force her to at least try it, she won't choose to do it on her own. It is our responsibility to make sure she truly understands the choice she is making before she makes it. Once she is changed, it'll be too late, there's no going back at that point. Can't you see? Don't you understand? I have to know she tried being human and truly rejected it, knowing fully and completely the sacrifices she's making, before I can accept her decision to become a vampire. The choice is too important to make blindly."
While much of his speech contained valuable arguments and insight, I knew by his feelings how much of it was a lie, a deception. It was very convincing, laying to rest all the fears, doubts, and concerns of the rest of the family. They all agreed with the sentiments he expressed and were content to give Bella a little time to think carefully over her choices. They all believed she would still choose them in the end, so there was no harm in giving her a few weeks, perhaps even a month or two, without their distracting presence to allow her to be certain of her feelings. If this is what Edward needed to get over his odd reluctance to change her, then they were all willing to give him this time. They would communicate their feelings, hopes, and dreams to Isabella in their letters to her, presenting the pros and cons of both existences, so she could make an informed decision. Knowing the choice was hers would no doubt prevent future regret and resentment over the realities of vampire existence. It was a good plan.
At least, it would have been a good plan if Edward had been telling the truth. I looked to Alice, but the hope and understanding in her emotions showed me she was unaware of Edward's deception. This was because she was sticking to her agreement not to look into Bella's future. If she had, she'd know that Edward had no intention of passing on the letters written by the family. He also had no intention of giving letters to the family written by Bella. I wasn't sure what lies he would tell when he returned as to why he had no letters to give, or if he would forge some replies himself in response to whatever they wrote in their letters, but I was sure he would devise some plan to keep the truth hidden from the rest of them. They wouldn't know that Edward was determined to stick with his original plan of no contact, no word, no goodbye from the family. I knew more than anyone else how much Bella loved all of us. Leaving her without a word would be a betrayal, an abandonment, that would destroy her.
Bella loved Edward very much, but she was strong enough to lose him, if he was the only one to go. As long as she had the rest of us, she would survive and learn to live without him. She would learn to love again, because she was still human and unable to form a true soul mate bond while in human form. It would be quite another story if he left after she was changed, but until then, she could still recover. Edward often referred to her as his mate, but the truth was that it was impossible for a human to form a soul mate bond with a vampire. Until she was also a vampire, she was only potentially his mate. Edward loved her, certainly, and she definitely loved him, but she was not irrevocably tied to him yet. This wasn't usually a problem, because most vampires were smart enough to turn their mates very shortly after making the connection with them.
Bella was Edward's hope for a mate, likely his one and only chance at happiness, and if he turned her now, the love she had for him would grow and blossom, forming the soul mate bond as soon as their eyes meet once she's a vampire. Unfortunately for Edward, vampires hardly ever change, so now that his soul has formed into the right shape to unite with hers, like two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly, he will probably never be able to bond with another. I'm fairly confident he doesn't truly understand what he is doing. I don't think he really understands the whole mating process. I think he believes he might have a second chance if he can't manage to endure the suffering of being away from his mate, now that his soul has adjusted to join with hers.
The problem with that theory is that unlike vampires, humans can and do change quite frequently. Every day he waits without initiating the change, he runs the risk of her outgrowing him. Humans don't have forever to search for their other halves, so they are designed to be able to fit with more than one person. Their souls are much more malleable than our own. If we all turn our backs on her and leave without a word, the pain this will cause her will change her irrevocably, will alter the design of her soul, changing the shape of it in an attempt to heal the damage of our betrayal. The connection and bonds she and Edward have already formed over the past months will be severed, and the new Bella's soul may no longer be able to join with Edward's. The scar tissue will alter the shape of her puzzle piece, quite possibly leading her to find an entirely new mate. If that happens, Edward will be stuck pining for the matching piece of his soul that no longer exists and may never exist in anyone else.
Edward knew that humans were capable of forming mating bonds with more than one potential mate, knew their souls could change shape to match with different potential mates, which was the reason he believed he was right to be planning this abandonment, even knowing how much it would hurt her. He wants her to move on, to change, to find someone else, rather than go ahead and make her into a vampire. Personally, this makes me wonder how much he even loves her or understands the meaning of love for him to be making the choices he is. Were Carlisle and Esme right to be concerned he was changed too young? Is he too emotionally immature to develop deep romantic love? Is he only capable of the infatuation most teenagers mistake for long lasting and abiding love?
He claimed to be doing this because it was the best for Bella, but truly it was because he was running scared. I could tell because of his emotions, especially in relation to various conversations we had. He was a coward who was sure Bella would regret joining him in this life. He loved her humanity and fragility and couldn't stand the thought of her becoming a monster. I wondered if he was afraid he wouldn't respect her or want her anymore if she was cold, hard, invincible, and addicted to blood. After all, he'd never been attracted to a vampire before, though admittedly, he'd never been attracted to another human before Bella either. I knew I would do everything in my power to undermine and sabotage his plans, for both Bella's sake and the family's sake. I did love the girl, as a member of my family at least, and I wouldn't be cruel enough to allow her to suffer the amount of pain and devastation Edward was planning.
For beyond not passing on the letters from the family, Edward had no intention of ever returning to Bella. His comforting plan of a few weeks to herself to think things over was a complete fabrication to placate the family long enough to get them out of the way so he could enact his true plan. He intended a permanent separation, for Bella to never become part of the Cullen family. He wanted to force the human life on her, not for a short time, but forever. He had no desire to ever change her or allow anyone else to change her. He considered us all monsters and couldn't even imagine why Bella could possibly want to become a monster too. He didn't want to 'damn' her to our existence. He would rather see her die, albeit of old age in his imagination.
I wasn't nearly as sanguine in my beliefs. I doubted she would survive long without us, considering the number of times she was in life threatening situations in the short time we'd known her. She would have been dead many times without our direct intervention. He was being totally irrational, but the level of determination in his emotions made it clear talking to him would be a wasted effort. He had no desire to listen to reason and was convinced he was making the right choice, despite all the evidence to the contrary. That was okay, I had time to work a little manipulative magic of my own as soon as he was out of the way.
I hid my smirk as he announced it was time for school and insisted Alice should stay home and begin packing. I ignored him as he made a few final comments to each of us and headed out to his Volvo to begin the process of 'letting Bella down gently'. I was glad Alice was staying home today. She and I had a little unfinished business. My Major persona rose to the forefront, and I allowed him to take the dominant role in our brain. He had a lot of skill and experience in both interrogation and putting others in their places.
I was determined to find out what game Alice was playing - why she was blaming me for 'ruining everything', what exactly she had expected to happen last night considering the steps she had taken and the guilt she had felt, and what Edward knew about her that she was afraid for the rest of us to discover. The little girl was going to spill her guts for me as soon as I got her far enough away that nobody else in the family would overhear her delivering up all her secrets and plans for my delectation. She was also going to find out just how much the Major hated taking orders and why female vampires were all submissive to their mates out in the real vampire world. No more shopping sprees, designer clothes, and prissy accents for this Texan soldier. I was going to be the man my human mama proudly raised me to be and if Alice didn't like it, she could suck my dick and kiss my ass, like a good little mate should.
Charlotte may give Peter a run for his money, and he would do anything for his little woman, but she knew better than to cross the line with him. Not all her bites came from the wars. Quite a few came from learning her place. Male vampires were stronger than the females for a reason, and Alice was about to get her first lesson in mating etiquette.
AN: No doubt a few of you will be offended by the "like a good little mate should" comment. Don't be too upset with Jasper. After all, he's been kissing up to Alice for the past fifty years, letting her dictate every aspect of his life, and he's finally reached his breaking point. Time for Major Whitlock to reclaim himself and stop being Alice's whipping boy and Ken doll.