A Heart Afraid of Breaking

Chapter 1

A/N: This story has been cluttering my brain and my hard drive since after season 2 of the show. It has changed more times than I can recall since it first came to me, but the underlying idea of Sharon having a secret past was always there. So, here we go. Finally. A big, tight hug goes to Kadi219 for listening to me rambling on and on about it for years and for lending it her critical eye for my messed up language. Another big hug goes to VirtualTale for pushing me out of my comfort zone and making me better. Love you, ladies!

Some additional notes: While I did have quite a lot of exposure to theater that also involved some cooperation with the ballet, I am not an expert on the topic, especially when it comes to American ballet. I do hope that you can overlook a few inaccuracies.

The story also deals with sexual assault, unwanted pregnancy, adoption, and injury. If those topics are problematic for you, this might not be for you.

Disclaimer: Not my circus, not my monkeys. But Humane Society deemed their owner unfit, so I'm taking them away, and I won't give them back!

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance."

― Xiaolu Guo

Sharon had a hard time keeping her nervous energy under control. She cast surreptitious glances at the crowd around her while trying to focus on the conversation Andy and Rusty were having. They both looked incredibly handsome in their black suits and almost matching blue ties. Andy had chosen his to go with her royal blue, knee-length dress, and Rusty had thought it funny to mock the older man's obsession with color-coordinated outfits by picking a matching tie as well.

"Oh no, I'm not going to the game with you and Provenza again," Rusty protested, "I already had to go to Spring Training with him, because you were in Ireland. I've done my good deed for the year."

"Hey, I couldn't know that we would have to postpone our honeymoon when I promised to take him."

"Yeah, but he was especially cranky after Julio canceled, too."

Sharon smiled. Her son wasn't wrong. Lieutenant Provenza had been very vocal about the changed plans and the added difficulty of holding on to his two days off while she and Andy were already on vacation. Lucky for him, their division had still had a massive overtime problem that Chief Mason had been all too eager for them to tackle. The changes he had made in their department had also helped, as Robbery/Homicide and Gang and Narcotics had been folded in under her leadership, making cooperation easier and turf wars less likely.

It had been a long and not always easy process to implement their new Assistant Chief's vision, which had not been made any easier by the flu sweeping through her squad room just as they were getting started. Half her division had been down. Julio had lost his mother, and Sharon had learned the hard way that ignoring her body's signals was a bad idea. She had returned to work after only a few days of sick leave and had promptly collapsed at work while yelling at two FBI agents. She had woken up a little later in the back of an ambulance with Andy's frightened face hovering over her. That little stunt had gotten her two nights at the hospital and three weeks of mandatory medical leave. Not only had the flu symptoms returned with a vengeance, but she had also suffered a mild concussion from the fall.

She had still felt the effects of that virus weeks later, on the eve of their wedding. Originally, their plan had been to leave for Ireland the day after their wedding for a two-week honeymoon. With Sharon still not completely recovered, they had decided to postpone the trip until spring. She had been disappointed and frustrated that her lingering health issues had ruined their plans, but Andy had pointed out that, with any luck, the weather would be better in spring, anyway. Sharon knew he was relieved that she had agreed to take the extra time to recover. Slowing down and adjusting their plans was a small price to pay to give Andy a little peace of mind after everything he had been through.

"It would be fun, though. I'll even buy you a Dodger Dog."

Andy's bribe fell on deaf ears, as Sharon had suspected. Her son simply didn't care for baseball the way they did. It had been Andy's idea to ask Rusty to join them when Patrice had to pull out, but as much as Sharon would have loved it, she had known that he would decline.

"Yeah, thanks, but no thanks. I think I'm gonna avoid the Lieutenant until he's over FID investigating him for shooting Stroh. He keeps telling me that it's my fault Sergeant Staples was after him." He frowned at Sharon and threw up his hands in a familiar show of exasperation. "I mean, I'm not complaining that the asshole is dead, but I didn't ask the Lieutenant to shoot him."

"Language," she warned, narrowing her eyes at him until he lowered his eyes in an adequate show of shame.

It wasn't the first time she had heard that particular complaint. She knew that Lieutenant Provenza did not really blame Rusty. He simply enjoyed bickering, and apart from Andy, Rusty had become his favorite partner. As exasperating as that could be, she was eternally grateful for the strong friendships her son had formed with her team.

The trust that had developed between Rusty and her detectives had made it easier for him to sit back and allow the professionals to handle Stroh. Sharon was aware of his desire to help, to play an active role in the capture of the man who had cast a dark shadow over his life for years. The fact that her lingering health issues had bound her to her desk had put her in a good position to keep an eye on him. She might have resented the idea of handing over the more active part of the investigation to her second in command, but in the end, it had been for the best. Rusty had been safe, following the operation to take Stroh down from Electronics with her. He had already been too involved in the investigation for her taste. She had been concerned that he would try to see it through to the end.

It had been Lieutenant Provenza who had shot Stroh when he had pulled a concealed gun. FID had cleared him, but Sergeant Staples had been concerned about her entire division's close ties to the case. According to him, they should have handed the case to another team, so he had been especially diligent in his investigation into the shooting, much to Lieutenant Provenza's dismay.

With Stroh out of the way and the department slowly starting to settle into a new routine after the changes Mason had implemented, life had begun to return to normal. The past year had been stressful. If she was honest, they hadn't really had much of a break since she and Andy began dating two and a half years ago. There had been Andy's accident and the subsequent blood clot issue. When they had just recovered from that and found their footing again, full of plans for their joint future, Taylor had been killed and Andy had had a heart attack. The months following that had been hell on so many levels. The search for Taylor's replacement had been stressful, but more than that, Sharon remembered how frightened she had been of losing Andy, how this latest health issue had affected him emotionally, especially when it became clear that it would be a long time before he would be allowed to return to full duty. Just as that had begun to happen, her own health issues had thrown them for another loop. It had been a long journey back to normal for both of them, but it had happened eventually.

When they had finally left for their honeymoon at the beginning of March, it had been with the knowledge that they were in a good place, both at work and in their personal life. The only thing that had still needed work was Andy's relationship with his children. Or more to the point, their attitude towards their father. Over the years that she had grown closer to Andy, Sharon had gotten to know both Nicole and Charlie. While Nicole had seemed willing to move on from past disappointments, Charlie had always been more reluctant. He had attended Nicole's wedding, and she had met him again at the ballet later that year, but apart from that, he had made little effort to reach out to his father, nor had he been particularly receptive of Andy's attempts at connecting with him.

Nicole's attitude had changed as well, after Andy had missed her last birthday. There had been plans for them to celebrate the day with the young woman and her family, and Andy had been looking forward to it for weeks. It had been a really bad case, combined with the beginning of the flu epidemic taking out half their team that had made his attendance impossible. Despite his heartfelt apology, the thoughtful gift he had sent, and his offer to take her out to dinner the following weekend, Nicole had not forgiven him. Of course, she had not stated it quite that openly. It had been in the cold tone of her voice, the declined invitations, and the calls that were never returned.

Sharon had stood by for a while, hoping that their relationship would heal, but it had not. Instead, she had been forced to see her husband's heart break over and over again, and never more than on the day his children had informed them that they would not be at their wedding. While in Ireland, Sharon had finally decided that she had seen enough. Andy was too frightened of causing further damage and too used to shouldering all the blame to talk to them, but it had been well past time that someone told them to grow up. Not everyone was lucky enough to have a father who worked so hard to try to fix the mistakes he made in the past. She only hoped that her actions had helped them realize how fortunate they were, instead of making the situation even worse. She would not have to wait much longer for her answer. In the meantime, she would continue to pretend that she was following Andy and Rusty's banter while she surreptitiously eyed the crowd around her for familiar faces.

~TBC~