"Morning, Johnny! How's the patient?" asked Harley Quinn as she and the Joker entered the cafeteria. Harley took a seat next to Crane and began cooing over the fledgling, who had sprouted some soft, stubbly feathers over its otherwise bald body. It cheeped happily and nuzzled against her finger, and then began flapping its wings and chirping eagerly at Crane, who was feeding it from a plate of maggots.
"Fine, Harley," he replied, smiling. "Progressing very rapidly, aren't you, my precious?" he asked, holding a maggot over its beak. The fledgling devoured it eagerly, holding open its beak for more.
"Wow, the food in here gets worse every day!" chuckled the Joker. "Speaking of food, my own pets certainly wouldn't mind taking a bite outta yours, Johnny. You should introduce him to Bud and Lou someday."
"I have no intention of letting her anyway near your hyenas, thank you, Joker," snapped Crane.
"How do you know it's a girl bird?" asked Harley.
"Uh…the same way you…always determine gender," said Crane.
"What, IQ test?" laughed Joker.
Poison Ivy walked past and punched him in the back of the head. "Geez, learn to take a joke, Pammie!" he called after her. "Well, that's kinda nice for you, Johnny, ain't it?" he asked, turning back to Crane and beaming. "There's one dame on this earth who enjoys your company! Course she's the wrong species, and I think it's mostly because you feed her, but take what you can get, I guess."
Crane glared at him and continued to feed the bird. "Got a name for her?" asked Harley. "I'd call her Missy."
"Why?" asked Crane.
Harley shrugged. "She looks like a Missy."
"Well, much as I hate to disagree with you, Harley, I'm not sure Missy the Raven is an entirely suitable name," said Crane, stroking the bird's breast with his finger as it cooed happily. "It doesn't inspire the necessary gravitas such a bird usually possesses. Anyway, I've already given her the name Lenore."
"What kinda stupid name is that?" asked the Joker.
"It's from the poem The Raven, Mr. J," explained Harley. "By Edgar Allan Poe. We studied it in college."
Joker's eyes narrowed. "All right, Little Miss College, if you're so smart," he growled. "What's ten times a hundred?"
"Uh…a thousand," said Harley, puzzled. "I learned that one in elementary school, Mr. J…"
Joker stood up furiously. "Oh, think you're too good for me, do ya?!" he demanded. "Well, fine, I don't want a nerdy dame anyway! Why doncha just date Johnny if you wanna be with one of your own kind?!"
"Puddin', I never said…" began Harley, shocked.
"You didn't have to say it!" he shouted. "Showing off and being a know-it-all, it was implied! Well, I ain't never needed book smarts to get where I am today!"
"What, a mental institution?" muttered Crane. "Yes, what an achievement."
Joker glared at him, and then suddenly struck at Lenore, knocking the baby bird off the table and onto the ground. She cheeped wildly in terror, flapping her wings uselessly, and Crane rushed to pick her up, soothing her gently.
"Mr. J, what kinda mean thing was that to do?!" demanded Harley, angrily. "That bird didn't do nothing to you!"
Joker shrugged. "It was funny," he muttered, storming off.
"I'm so sorry, Johnny," said Harley, sincerely. "Is she all right?"
"I think so – just startled," he murmured, trying to calm the terrified bird. "There, there, my beauty, it's all right. Shh. There's no need to be frightened."
"Mr. J can be such a jerk sometimes," sighed Harley.
"Try all the time," muttered Poison Ivy, slamming her tray down next to Harley and taking a seat. "New diet, Johnny?" she asked, noticing the plate of maggots in front of him.
"It's for Lenore," he said, nodding at the bird, who he placed gently back onto the table. She studied Ivy curiously, and then tentatively began hopping up her arm.
"Aw, she likes you, Red!" exclaimed Harley.
"That's nice, although I'm not really an animal person…" began Ivy. Then she shrieked. "Oh God, get it outta my hair! It's trying to nest or something!"
"My pretty, no!" exclaimed Crane, grabbing the bird away from Ivy's hair, although it had already become entangled in it and pulled out several strands in its talons. "I'm terribly sorry, Pamela, she must have confused you with a tree or something…"
"I hate animals!" shrieked Ivy, massaging her scalp tenderly and rushing from the room to examine the damage.
"Geez, you're kinda a magnet for trouble, ain't ya, Lenore?" asked Harley, as Lenore cheeped in confusion, looking up at Crane.
"Well, traditionally ravens are considered to be harbingers of bad luck," said Crane. "Due to their association with death and carnage. But personally I can't think of a more fitting companion for the God of Fear."
He placed Lenore back on the table, and she hopped up his arm and perched on his shoulder, settling herself there contentedly.
"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" asked a voice from the doorway.
"Jervis! You're back!" exclaimed Harley, beaming at him as he sat down next to them. "Couldn't stay away from the old nuthouse, huh?"
"I'm just visiting," replied Tetch. "Wanted to see how everyone was doing. And I can see at least something's changed in my absence this time," he said, nodding at the raven. "Might I be properly introduced?"
"Of course," said Crane, smiling. "Jervis, this is Lenore. Lenore, Jervis."
"How do you do?" asked Tetch, holding out a hand to the bird. She studied it quizzically, and then hopped onto it. He gently stroked her and she cooed happily, settling down in the palm of his hand.
"She likes you," said Crane.
"The feeling is mutual," replied Tetch, smiling. "But where did she come from?"
"Fell out of her nest," explained Crane. "And I don't quite know…what came over me, but I couldn't just leave her lying helpless on the ground."
"Yes, a man has a duty to help those in need," murmured Tetch. "The weak and vulnerable who…need him."
He stroked the bird absently and then cleared his throat. "I wonder if I might…have a word, Jonathan."
"Yes, of course, Jervis, go right ahead," replied Crane.
"In…uh…private," said Tetch, glancing pointedly at Harley.
"Gotcha, Jervis, say no more!" said Harley, standing up and beaming. "I sympathize, y'know. Ain't nothing more annoying than me and Mr. J wanting a little private time as a couple and having a third wheel just sitting there preventing us from being intimate."
"We're not a couple!" called Crane after her as she skipped off. "I personally have a passion for women who are familiar with the works of Edgar Allan Poe!"
"I don't think you actually have a chance there, Jonathan," said Tetch, gently.
"Never say never," retorted Crane.
"Well…yes, quite," murmured Tetch. "I suppose in the end who's to say what sort of hopes are nonsensical and what sort are not? It's difficult, sanity, y'know, because they expect you to have things like common sense but…but I find sense such an incredibly uncommon thing, Jonathan."
"What's the trouble?" asked Crane, looking in concern at his friend.
Tetch continued to pet Lenore. "Alice and Catherine have…come to stay with me," he murmured. "Alice…fought with her husband a few weeks ago, some sort of dreadful altercation, and he…he struck her. She assures me it was light, but the idea of anyone ever raising a hand to her is…well, it's appalling, Jonathan."
He sighed heavily. "So she left. Took Catherine and came to me. She assures me that she has spoken to her husband on the phone, and she has visited him almost daily to try to work this out. But he's fallen in with a bad crowd of people and refuses to see reason. Alice is desperately unhappy with the whole situation, and who can blame her? And it's tortuous seeing her unhappy. When she comes home from seeing him in tears…it's more than I can bear. But I don't know what to do."
"I don't think there's anything you can do except wait for them to work things out," replied Crane. "And look after her and Catherine, which I'm sure you're accomplishing admirably."
Tetch nodded slowly. "Yes. Yes, so I thought at first. But as the weeks pass, I find myself…against my will…wondering what would happen if…if they fail to work things out between them. I find myself hoping, as foolish and selfish as it is, that the rift between them might be irreparable. And that she might…might…want me…"
"Jervis, no," said Crane, firmly. "No, you can't go down this road again. You've resolved those feelings for her. I know you will always love her, but it has to be a platonic love, you know that."
"I do," he said, nodding firmly. "I do. The rational, sane man in me knows that. The madman in me, however, the madman who can never…never fully be cured…taunts me with the insanity of hope. We…we make a good family, Jonathan. Catherine adores me. And Alice…I know I could make her happy if she would only give me a chance…"
"She's a married woman, Jervis," said Crane, gently. "She made a vow…"
"Yes, yes, and I would hate for her to break it," said Tetch, nodding. "Especially if it were for me. I would hate myself for making her break it. But…but I do love her, Jonathan. And I can't control…that is, I can control my actions, because I am not mad, but I never have and never will be able to control my feelings. Especially not for her."
He buried his face in his hands. "I hate myself for these thoughts and feelings," he whispered. "I want my better self to win out – I want Alice and Billy to reconcile, and I want Catherine to be able to live at home with her parents. Consciously I want all of that. But selfishly I want…I want them both to stay with me forever and ever. And I hate myself for it."
Crane shook his head slowly. "You cannot be blamed for your feelings," he murmured. "But when you feel them, consider what would happen if your dreams and desires came true, and Alice agreed to love you. And then imagine what would happen to your friendship if she ever stopped loving you. I'm no relationship expert, obviously, but I understand it is very difficult to remain on amiable terms with people you used to love. You might lose contact with Catherine – she might be removed from your life. Could you risk all that? Could you risk your future with your goddaughter for a selfish whim?"
Tetch was silent. Lenore had hopped off his hand and returned to perching on Crane's shoulder. He stroked down her breast gently. "I understand that love is meant to bring out all that is good inside us," he whispered. "If your feelings might result in you losing the best thing that ever happened to your life…then it is not love, Jervis. You must remain sane and strong for love's sake."
Tetch smiled. "And I must work harder to get you out of here," he murmured, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "You are not mad, Jonathan. Or there is a wisdom in insanity such as sanity could never hope to compete with."
He stood up. "You have done me a good turn. I will do one for you in exchange. On my way through the grounds I passed a couple workmen on their way to lunch who were working on the cellar. One mentioned to the other that he had left the cellar door unlocked, but the other refused to go back since he was on his lunch break. I suggest you take advantage of his carelessness, and I will hopefully see you soon."
He tipped his hat and strode off. Crane took a moment to process what he had said, and then stood up. "Come along, my beauty," he murmured, petting Lenore and smiling. "I'm taking you home."