"So…do you like tea, Edward?"
"Not really."
"I see," said Jonathan Crane, and an awkward silence descended upon him and Edward Nygma. It was one of many such silences since Crane had invited Nygma round in the hopes of strengthening their friendship. He was going to need a friend in Arkham, after all, and since Tetch was out of the picture, Nygma had seemed like the next best option. But conversation was difficult.
"Do you like riddles?" asked Nygma, breaking the silence.
"Not really," replied Crane.
"I see," said Nygma. "Well, I did have a rather splendid one about tea, but I won't share it now."
"Oh…"
"All right, if you insist, I will," said Nygma, excitedly. "I go in dry and come out wet. I get stronger and stronger the longer I stay in. What am I?"
"Ra's al Ghul in a Lazarus Pit," retorted Crane, dryly.
"What does that have to do with tea?" asked Nygma, annoyed. "I told you, it's a riddle about tea! Now guess the answer if you can, or give up."
"It was a joke, Edward," said Crane.
"I don't like jokes," retorted Nygma. "The Joker always thinks he's so clever with his, but you don't have to be clever to tell jokes. Any idiot can do that."
"Can you?" asked Crane.
"I would never demean myself by sinking to the Joker's level of humor," retorted Nygma. "Just answer the riddle."
Crane sighed heavily.
"Do you give up?" pressed Nygma. "Do you admit I'm smarter than you?"
"I admit you're better at riddles than I am," replied Crane. "Whether that actually has any bearing on intelligence or not, I'm willing to debate."
"It has to do with thinking outside the box, Jonathan," explained Nygma, patronizingly. "Any idiot can know stuff. True intelligence is taking that knowledge and using it in creative ways."
"Oh, you mean like inventing a toxin that makes people hallucinate their deepest fears?" asked Crane. "Or did you just mean inventing childish puzzles and games?"
"A riddle is not a game!" snapped Nygma. "It's a riddle! And if you can't answer this one, you're an idiot!"
"I can answer it – I merely choose not to," retorted Crane, smiling.
"You can't do that!" shouted Nygma. "If you don't answer it, you don't know it, and I'm smarter than you!"
Crane said nothing, sipping his tea smugly. "I do know it," he repeated. "But I choose not to answer it."
"You don't know it then!" shouted Nygma, furious. "You don't, you don't, and the answer is a teabag, which I knew, which makes me smarter than you, so ha!"
"Yes, that's what I thought it was," agreed Crane, nodding.
"You did not!" he shouted. "You had no idea! You're just saying that now, but you're lying! You couldn't figure it out! I'm smarter than you! Admit it! I'm smarter than you, I'm smarter than everyone! I'm the smartest person in the world!"
"I'm sure your mother thinks so," said Crane, smiling. "But then I imagine Killer Croc's mother thinks he is, too."
"How dare you compare me to Killer Croc?!" shrieked Nygma. Lenore had been sleeping on her perch (Crane had given her a bust of Pallas to perch on, hoping she'd take to it, and to his delight, she had), but woke up at the noise, squawking loudly.
"Now you've gone and woken Lenore, Edward," sighed Crane, coming over to pet her soothingly. "There, there, my pretty, go back to sleep," he whispered. She cooed happily, shutting her eyes and ruffling her feathers, which had grown to cover her entire body.
"I have a riddle about a raven, if you'd like to hear one," said Nygma, brightening again.
"Actually, I've had quite enough of riddles for one day, thank you, Edward," replied Crane. "I suggest we find another topic of discussion."
The awkward silence descended again, which was mercifully relieved by the sound of the doorbell. "I'll get it!" said Crane, hurrying over to the door. "Even if it's Batman, I'll be grateful for the interruption…" he muttered under his breath, opening the door.
It wasn't Batman. It was Harley Quinn. "Hi, Johnny!" she exclaimed, beaming. "Hope you don't mind us dropping in, but Mr. J thought it would be nice for Lenore to meet the babies! They're good boys, and they'll play nicely…babies, no!" shrieked Harley, as her pet hyenas, Bud and Lou, suddenly knocked past her and raced into the room, heading straight for Lenore.
They had no intention of killing the bird – just playing with her. But Lenore didn't know that, so she did what any creature would do with two vicious predators racing toward her – she panicked.
She began squawking and flapping her wings desperately, and managed to flutter out of reach of the hyenas.
"Babies, sit!" cried Harley, but the hyenas were too excited with their new toy to obey her. Crane raced over to grab Lenore and bundle her into his arms, away from the hyenas' snapping jaws.
"Back off, you beasts!" he shouted.
"Babies, I'm surprised at you!" exclaimed Harley, rushing over to them and restraining them by their collars. "What would your Daddy say?"
"He'd say glad you're having fun!" chuckled the Joker, entering the room and beaming. "How ya doing, Johnny? How's the Bald Wonder?"
Lenore popped her head out and screeched in annoyance at the Joker and the hyenas. "Aw, got some feathers, huh?" said Joker, grinning at her. "But I'm guessing by that pathetic flapping performance that she can't fly yet."
"No," retorted Crane. "No, she's having a little difficulty with that. I daresay the fall from her nest gave her a phobia of heights. Quite understandable, really."
He placed Lenore carefully back on her perch. "Well, you know about natural selection, doncha, Johnny?" asked Joker, shrugging. "The strong survive, and the weak die out. Shame we have things like society and civilization and Batman getting in the way of nature taking its course. Though I guess it's lucky for you two losers!" he chuckled, nodding at Crane and Nygma.
"Sorry, Eddie, didn't mean to interrupt your visit," said Harley. She looked at Crane in surprise. "Does Jervis know you're seeing another guy?"
"We're not a couple!" shouted Crane.
"Hey, I wasn't accusing you of anything, Johnny," said Harley, shrugging. "But I know Jervis will be glad to hear it."
"I should be going anyway," said Nygma, standing up. "I have a very busy schedule at the moment."
"Oh yeah, I bet you're really busy, Eddie," said Joker, nodding. "God knows how you juggle a career and a relationship and an impressive public image and a family and a sterling reputation as Batman's greatest nemesis, and…oh wait, I forgot – you don't have any of those!"
"You won't be laughing when my latest series of riddles results in the Bat's demise, Joker," retorted Nygma, coldly. "And then everyone will realize that I am, and always have been, Batman's greatest nemesis. I am the only one who challenges him intellectually, after all. What do your stupid jokes do?"
"Oh, I dunno," sighed Joker. "I just like to take him out of his depressing self for awhile. The guy must need a break from all that brooding. I'm probably the reason he doesn't just get into a bath and slit his wrists."
"You're such a selfless guy, puddin'," cooed Harley, kissing his cheek.
A knock came on the door. "Goodness, I'm certainly popular today," said Crane, surprised.
"Must be a new experience for ya, huh, Johnny?" chuckled Joker. "People actually wanting your company?"
Crane glared at him and went to answer the door.
"Jervis!" he said, beaming. "What a pleasant surprise!"
"Uh oh, you'd better skedaddle, Eddie!" laughed Joker. "We wouldn't want to see a catfight between you and Hatty! It would just be awkward."
"Um…yes. How do you do, Edward?" asked Tetch, extending his hand. He was clearly distracted.
Joker whistled. "Wow. He's a lot more forgiving than I would be if I caught you hanging out with some other guy, pooh," said Joker, turning to Harley. "But then I am the jealous type. That's actually why I beat Robin to death, y'know. Jealous rage at him spending more time with Batsy than I did. And also because it was fun. Any of your riddles ever result in Robin's death, Eddie? I mean, it just seems to me like an ultimate nemesis would have killed at least one person close to the Bat. Maybe you can try murdering Batgirl – you might have a fighting chance against a girl. But then she is one tough dame, so maybe not."
Nygma glared at him and headed for the door. On his way past, Joker shot a leg out and tripped him, so he fell down the stairs of the apartment complex. "It's just too easy!" he giggled, as Nygma swore at him. "Still fun though. Kinda like beating Robin to death."
"We should go too, puddin'," said Harley, dragging the hyenas out by their collars. "Leave these two lovebirds to spend some time together as a couple…"
"We're not a couple!" shouted Crane.
"Though goodness knows life would be easier if we were," sighed Tetch. He seemed to suddenly notice Harley was in the room, and his eyes lit up. "Harley, yes! You'll understand! Could I have a word with you in private?" he asked.
"Sure thing, Jervis," said Harley. "Mr. J, keep hold of the babies, huh? We don't want them attacking Lenore again."
She followed Tetch out of the apartment and shut the door. "What's the trouble, Jervis?" she asked.
Tetch bit his lip nervously. "Harley, I'd like you to imagine a purely hypothetical situation in which the Joker told you…you had to kill Poison Ivy or he'd die."
"Why would he die?" asked Harley, puzzled.
"Because someone was going to kill him unless you killed Poison Ivy," retorted Tetch.
"Who?" asked Harley.
"Someone who wants him dead," retorted Tetch. "Someone who bears him a grudge and is blackmailing him."
"Nobody could ever blackmail Mr. J!" laughed Harley. "He'd fill anyone who tried full of lead!"
"It's a purely hypothetical situation, Harley," retorted Tetch. "What would you do? If you had to choose between your friend or the one you love?"
Harley shrugged. "Nobody could force me to make that choice," she said.
"What if the Joker was trying to?" he asked.
"I'd tell him to knock it off," she retorted. "I mean, I'm pretty submissive, Jervis, but if Mr. J seriously expected me to kill Red for him, it's a step too far. And I'm pretty sure he knows that, so he would never ask me to do it. If anyone ever put him in that position, I'd find out who was responsible and kick the living crap outta 'em. I think that's the only decent thing to do."
Tetch nodded slowly. "You might be right, Harley," he murmured. "Perhaps that is one sacrifice love cannot make. I suppose the danger of loving someone is that…people can do things to them to get to you. Terrible things. And they too can make you do…terrible things. But you can't destroy one type of love for another, you know. That would be nonsense."
Suddenly, they heard a roar of rage from inside the apartment, and the Joker's voice shouting, "That bird is dead!"
This was followed by several crashes and the sound of squawking. Harley threw open the door to see Crane trying to keep Lenore out of reach of both the Joker and the hyenas, who were racing around the room trying to snap at her.
"Mr. J! Babies! What's going on?" cried Harley, grabbing hold of the hyenas' collars again.
"That goddamn pigeon crapped on my new suit!" shouted the Joker, glaring at the lapel. "Look at it! It's ruined!"
"Aw, c'mon, puddin', it'll come out with a little dry cleaning," said Harley. "Or we can just get Francois to make you a new one…"
"You know how much that'll cost?!" shouted Joker. "You're paying for it, Professor! And you better keep your eye on that feathered pain in the ass, or it'll end up as food for my pets, get me?! Or maybe I'll just beat it to death with a crowbar, like I usually do to annoying birds!"
He stormed from the room. "Uh…see you later, Johnny," said Harley, smiling apologetically and following Joker, dragging Bud and Lou behind her.
"I can't say I'm disappointed in you for doing that, my precious," Crane said, replacing Lenore on her perch and petting her gently. "But you must try not to annoy the Joker. It's bad for one's health."
She cooed happily. "Now, would you like a cup of tea, Jervis?" asked Crane, turning to his friend and smiling.
"No, I…I think I'd better go," said Tetch, firmly.
"What? But you've only just arrived…" said Crane, confused.
"Yes, and I'm terribly sorry to rush off, but I have pressing business to attend to, you understand, Jonathan," said Tetch. "Late for a very important date and all that…I shall see you soon."
He hurried from the room. Crane looked after him in puzzlement, sighed, and then turned back to Lenore. "Come, my beauty, let's try helping you fly again."