Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...
Since the night when Olivia had tried to take back that part of her life, the one where she decided who, when, where, and why she had sex or made love, she had been short tempered and on edge. She felt bad for having hit Alex, even though they both knew it was an accident. She couldn't get over that Alex felt the need and tried to use toys their first night reconnecting. Now anytime Alex got to close or tried to hold her, touch her, or even just wanted a hug she would stiffen up and couldn't relax. She had starting having more nightmares, and even more flashbacks. she was planing on going back to work, but now was back at square one, and when Alex came home that night it all seamed to boil over. "Don't," was all Liv said as Alex tried to hug and kiss her.
Alex knew she had seriously messed up, but it had been a few weeks and nothing was getting better, in fact things were worse. Sounding harsher than she intended she threw her hands up frustrated. "What can I do Liv, what is it you need? You won't talk to me, you cringe when I get to close, and you haven't let me soothe you in weeks."
Olivia shot Alex a death glare, what did she want? oh hell how could Alex ask her that, this was her fault for making her remember that awful night, it would have been so much easier to not know, at least she thought so. Sighing as she looked away finally tears silently slipped down her face, not wanting Alex to see. After another 10 minutes of silence she dried her eyes looking back towards Alex. "What is it I want, how the hell can you ask me that?" she paused taking a deep breath. "You," She pointed at Alex, "You made me remember, you just had to use toys the first night I was able to try to show you my love." She started shaking and this time when the tears fell she couldn't stop them before Alex saw.
Feeling lower than dirt, Alex finally realized the cost of that night. She hadn't thought to bring it up when Liv said she remembered. At the time all she wanted was to make it better for Liv, but by not talking about it, bringing it up or taking it a bit easier on her, Liv had been suffering all this time silently. "Oh Liv I'm so sorry." Unshed tears threatening to spill over as she talked glistened in her eyes. "I should have tried harder when you said you remembered, I just didn't want to make it worse for you, I love you so much."
With her emotions all over the place Olivia wasn't sure what to do, first she wanted to hit something, then she wanted to crumble to the floor and curl up making herself as small as possible, then she wanted to grab Alex and shake her. She knew she could never hurt her, so she settled to meeting her in the middle and sat on the bed patting the spot next to her for Alex to sit.
Alex took tentative steps and sat down next to her, almost reaching out to take her hand but decided it was best not to. she placed her hands in her lap as she chewed on her lower lip hopping Liv would forgive her and let her in to help her.
Olivia saw Alex's movements and reached for her hand placing it on top of hers. Olivia took a few deep breaths as she sat there trying to form the words she knew she needed to say. "Alex, I love you, nothing will change that, it's just... just..." she took a few more steadying breaths. "it's just.. I felt like I was being raped all over again, I saw it all, they just flooded back, and I couldn't make the images go away." She still couldn't tell Alex exactly what happened, but she wanted her life back, her life with Alex, she wanted to feel safe with her again, and right now she didn't.
Alex felt as if all the air had been sucked from her lungs, her face paler that usual, her blue eyes sunken in sadly as she tried to wrap her mind around the fact that Liv had felt like she raped her by using toys, and caused her to remember. It wasn't that she remembered, it was they way it had been forced back into her conscience. "Oh baby, I would never purposely hurt you. I'm so sorry I did that, you don't need to love me. I hurt you." Alex felt like the perps they fought so hard to put in jail, She knew she was no better. Trying to pull away she thought about running but she felt Olivia's grasp on her hands tighten.
Olivia noticed what Alex was trying to do and although she did feel guilty for hurting Alex with her words, she couldn't and wouldn't take them back. It was just how she felt, no amount of anything right now would change it, and she didn't know how to let herself try to relax around her now. She wanted to curl up in her arms let Alex hold her kiss away her tears and bad thoughts, but she just couldn't. She did the only thing she could right now and that was to curl up on the bed asking Alex to join her but not touch her. "Alex come lay with me please, I need you close, but don't touch me, just lay as close as you can." Olivia was shaking, but forced herself to be as still as she could taking in Alex's warmth like a blanket, for now this would have to do, she only hopped Alex understood.
Alex did what was asked of her to scared to make Olivia feel anything worse, and still keep herself from running out the door, She was thinking she was a rapist of sorts, She should have known better than to try and use toys so soon. She thought back to that night and how when Olivia had curled up with her seamed tense and so unsure, even if she had said the right things at the time to make it seam she was ok. Alex was mentally beating herself up for not noticing, maybe she wanted to believe it was really ok. Maybe she just couldn't face the fact that she had broken her detective and Olivia's current state of being was her fault. She resolved to do anything and everything to make it right, just didn't know how right now.
Olivia had sworn she wouldn't drink herself into oblivion again, but after an hour of saddened silence she got up and left the bedroom to grab a beer. Maybe she would only have one maybe more there was only a 6 pack, so she couldn't drink herself into to much of a stooper, and if she asked Alex to join her she could at least get a good buzz without being drunk, she decided to ask Alex to join her. "Alex I need a drink, getting a beer want one?"
Alex a bit worried but now wasn't the time bring up her last drinking binge decided to just go with it and nodded, "sure I could use a beer too."
Please as Always R/R, I'd like 5 reviews at least before I update thanks.