Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Stephenie Meyer created it all.
Bella POV
A knock at the door ended my self-imposed exile. I'd told Aro I didn't want company, so I wondered if he'd disobeyed my request or if someone had come on their own. The futility of ignoring the appeal to enter was clear. I could say 'no,' and it would be respected, but whoever it was would just stand there. For a moment, fear snaked through me as I wondered if one of them had come. Alice would be determined enough. I shuddered to think of facing my former "friend." A smile, however, curved across my lips as I approached the door. I knew that scent.
"Come in, Felix," I whispered.
His face broke out in a grin as he entered in my room.
I walked over to the couch and sprawled across it. He sat at the other end as I asked, "Did Aro send you to check on me?"
His grin broadened. "Not really, he just allowed me to come. I begged the first time, but he wouldn't let me follow you, so I cornered him when he returned with Carlisle."
He noticed how my body jerked at the mention of Carlisle's name.
"I came to see if you were okay?" His eyes searched my face as he asked.
I didn't know what to say, because I wasn't okay. But of all people, I didn't want to admit to him what the sight of the Cullen family and Jake had done to me. Having to be so close to Carlisle had only ripped into me further. The pain radiated from my dead heart throughout my body. Obviously the emotions I was attempting to contain raced across my face, because he reached over and grabbed one of my hands. I'd been clenching them together.
"Isabella…" His voice was husky and deep, resonating across the space between us. "Look at me, please…"
I forced my eyes to him.
"…I'm horrible at being chivalrous, nor am I charming like Demetri. My style is more forthright. Killing someone…tearing the competition apart, that is more my method. It is why I am, where I am. My strength is in destroying our enemies, and it has earned me my place in the Volturi elite guard, even as the only untalented member among them. You know how I feel about you; I've not hidden my desires. But I want to win you fairly, without games and manipulation."
He stood quickly, going over to lean against the mantle. "Damn it." It seemed as if he struggled with something. His fists clenched and unclenched.
He cleared his throat before turning around to face me. "Isabella, you have to go face them. You can't stay up here and hide. Edward Cullen is undeniably in love with you... "
I hissed at him, interrupting him. "You do not know what you speak of. He made it quite clear how he felt about me, before walking away."
"I don't know what occurred between the two of you or what his motives were at the time, but his emotions are clear to anyone."
"Why are you telling me this?" I shouted, bringing my knees to my chest and laying my face against them.
Gentle fingers brushed the hair away from my check as he came to stand beside me. "Because you cannot remain in this room forever, and it will be better to get it over with now than to wait. You'll build it up in your mind. Go listen to what they have to say; face them, and decide for yourself whether or not they tell the truth."
"I know what they're going to say," I mumbled, and when he looked at me in question, I explained further. "They're going to say that they were attempting to protect me and left me so that I could live a 'human' life. That their existence put me in danger every day and that they left in my best interest. "
His shocked look was comical.
"They'll say it because they feel guilty." I emphasized the last word. "The Cullens are truly selfless individuals. They'll sacrifice their happiness to take care of me because they'll blame themselves for this. I will not become a burden to them. I have a place here, where I'm not an encumbrance to anyone…"
My mind ran through a memory of Aro holding me and the burden I placed on him with my reaction to feeding. He still held me each time, as I cried. I would make it up to him, I swore to myself. "Now I must ask you a question. What do you hope to gain by encouraging me to go to a man that you know I love…particularly since you seem to be under the delusion he returns the emotion? Help me understand?"
"Hell, I don't know. I just know that if you don't face it, I may never have an opportunity to fully win your affections."
"He doesn't love me, Felix."
"Yes, I know you believe that, and for my sake, I hope to hell you are right and I am wrong."
The door to the chamber stood closed in front of me…symbolic of everything in my life…avenues closed to me, opportunities blocked, futures forbidden. Felix had not come with me, leaving, albeit reluctantly, to go to his own room, after I encouraged him to do so. I had to do this myself. I heard their voices inside. Taking a deep breath, I pushed through the door and immediately focused my attention on Aro and Sulpicia. I went to her and took my place just to the side of Aro's shoulder, between him and Marcus. Discreetly, Marcus brushed my hand in support.
Aro turned to catch my eye. I attempted to smile, but it was difficult with the smells that surrounded me. I could clearly smell Edward above the rest. The scent I'd become accustomed to as a human was significantly amplified, sweeter, more seductive. I still wanted to know what reeked, though – gah, it was horrible. I couldn't look at them yet, but I'd force myself soon. One baby step at a time.
Even with my vampiric brain, I couldn't focus on the conversation because of the stress. I heard only a few words…'rooms' and 'need' were about it. Aro finally turned enough to catch my eye, and I wished for once that I had his or Edward's ability. It would be nice to know what was going through his mind. I had no clue what he saw on my face, but I certainly wasn't prepared for what he said next.
"If everyone else will excuse us, I assume Isabella would like to speak with Carlisle and his family privately."
The gasp that came out of my throat was loud enough that Marcus ignored Aro's words, remaining in his seat even as Caius and Athenodora followed the rest. Caius did manage to wink subtly at me in support as he walked by me. I was stunned.
I was not ready…I couldn't do this…not yet…please…
The silence that reigned in the room was deafening when the doors finally closed. Was I supposed to say something first; were they? I started panicking. Of all of the unlikely sources to find strength, I caught Jasper's eyes. He smirked slightly from behind Alice, almost in encouragement.
"Bella…" Carlisle's voice rang clearly across the room, drawing my gaze away from his son. I passed across each face as my eyes journeyed to clash with his. Their faces glowed with great emotion; it almost seemed as if they were delighted to see me.
I interrupted to set the mood straight. "My name is Isabella. Bella Swan does not exist anymore."
My tone was harsh and vicious, and I didn't care. At least it stopped him momentarily. I'd never seen the normally composed Carlisle ruffled. He was clearly indecisive now.
But then, he narrowed his eyes at me slightly before continuing. "Bella…"
I wanted to smile for some reason. I'd always seen Carlisle as being so passive, not that I didn't doubt he wouldn't defend what was his, but because he didn't 'pick fights' as Charlie would say. Still, he hadn't fought for me when they had left, highlighting my exclusion from the Cullen family, so the fact that he'd openly ignore my petulant statement was intriguing. Perhaps my little time with them hadn't given me a clear picture. I even heard a sound from Aro that could have been a snicker.
"…the family owes you an explanation. But first, you must know we have been looking for you for months now. In fact, Esme had to phone us to come home when she received the missive from Aro. We'd lost your trail just after tracing you to the bank where you closed your account. I am assuming this was about the time Victoria found you?"
He was asking a question, but I couldn't move. Frozen in fear. Fear that not everything was as I assumed. They'd been looking for me? They'd been to the bank? Had that been Carlisle's car after all? So close…
"We returned to Forks the day you left. Alice saw you standing at the cliff and directed us there, but we were too late. You'd already gone. The family arrived to find Edward with Jacob and Sam."
Sam? Why would Jacob be with Sam? He hated him. Is that why Jacob was with them? But why? I saw Carlisle's strange look over at Jacob, and I followed. My eyes automatically went to Jacob's beloved tanned face. Seeing my acknowledgment of him, his face blossomed into the sun. I couldn't refuse the call of the sunshine and grinned slightly at him in response.
"Bella," came the voice I was dreading to hear.
I forced myself to tear my gaze away from Jacob and focus on Edward. His golden eyes burned with an intensity that I couldn't fathom. He slowly made his way to stand just feet from Aro, Marcus, Sulpicia, and me.
"…the day I left … I lied about almost everything. I was an idiot. I thought if I could convince you that I didn't love you that you would go on with your life…that my presence wouldn't threaten your mortality any longer."
Carlisle and Esme walked forward to stand just behind Edward, and she put a hand on his arm, as if offering him encouragement. The normally polished Edward looked down at his hands, as if he was lost…having problems wording things.
"I thought of every cruel thing I could say, and I threw it out at you. I am a good liar; I have to be. The look on your face has haunted me ever since. I tried to stay away from you. I really did. But ultimately, it was a losing battle. I came back to Forks the day you left; ready to beg your forgiveness."
I felt Marcus suddenly standing behind me. His hands at my waist felt supportive without being restraining. I didn't know what he was thinking, but Edward's eyes went to his face. Whatever communication happened between them, I didn't know, but in astonishment, I saw Edward bow his head in respect.
"I never stopped loving you, desiring you, craving you. I just stopped thinking. I had no right to do that to you, to us. I was arrogant, believing I knew what was best. I have been in agony ever since. I'm not asking you to forgive me because I haven't earned that yet. But I will if you give me the chance, I want the opportunity to earn your forgiveness and make you love me again."
My world tilted. They'd looked for me; they'd come back. Edward still loved me.
Alice's tinkling voice started almost immediately after his strangled one stopped. "Bella, I am so sorry! I thought if we gave Edward time to think through things that he would see reason. I talked to everyone else, and they agreed. My plan seemed to be reasonable at the time, and it worked, but it was just too late. Can you ever forgive us…forgive me?"
Her face was etched in pure regret, and she leaned towards me with her hands out in supplication. It was clear that she was lost, not knowing how to fix what had occurred between us. Her eyes were large saucers in her face; full of the sisterly affection she'd always given me, and repentance. Alice lived to make her and everyone else's life 'right,' in her opinion. Or at least those that she loved.
I turned my back to them and heard the audible gasp. I had to think…it couldn't be true.
Marcus caught my eyes staring solemnly at me. I knew what he was thinking, that this was an opportunity for my happiness and that I shouldn't throw the possibility away. He would have given anything to have another chance with Didyme. Marcus' only concern was for what would bring me pleasure. What had he said…that he had never felt relationships purer or stronger…both of them?
I spun back around.
"Exactly why are you here, Jacob?" I snarled out.
"I have my own explanation to be made Bella, but I would like to do that alone." His face was sincere. There was no doubt in my mind that he would provide what he determined was an adequate justification. It didn't matter to me whether it was today, as I was sure there would be time before they left.
I stepped just past Edward, barely pausing to catch a whiff of his scent. The havoc that went through my body was indescribable. I came to stop before Alice and Jasper, Carlisle and Esme beside me. I could feel Edward's eyes boring into my back.
"Let me get this straight. You left without one word, one goodbye, pinning your hopes on the fact that Edward Cullen would see reason?" My voice indicated the incredulity of that thought.
Jasper smirked at the accuracy of my statement, but pain lanced across Alice's face, because in fact that was exactly what she'd done. She shivered under the onslaught of my sarcasm, and Jasper wrapped his arms around her just a little tighter, attempting to comfort her. It was clear that he understood my anger, but Alice was still his wife. She was his primary concern, and he would do anything to keep from having her feel pain. Speaking of pain…
"Let me ask a question, Alice? Did you see what he said to me?"
Her twitch was answer enough.
"You knew how those words would crush me…of all people…you knew. Yet my 'best friend' walked away without one look back. Have you ever been told that you are not wanted, and that you aren't good enough?"
My question was rhetorical and somewhat cruel because I wanted to remind her of how it felt. She squirmed because in fact I knew she had experienced insecurities about those very things, from when she'd learned of her history and her biological family. I also knew that Jasper had held her and the family comforted her…as was appropriate. I'd also held the tiny vampire in my arms soothing her, as appropriate for a best friend.
"I couldn't find relief anywhere, with anyone, Alice. Sleep only brought dreams of all of you…every night you left me alone in the woods as I screamed your names."
A gasp at my side caused me to glance over into Esme's precious face, and I saw the sorrow etched there. "I didn't deserve a single acknowledgement…one ounce of compassion…from you, Esme? Yet, you claimed to love me like a mother. "
She reached out to me in a manner similar to what she'd done to Edward just moments before. I stared at her hand, not really knowing what she expected. She and Alice had nurtured me through my recovery from James' attack. Her hands had lovingly brushed my hair back at moments when I needed comfort or stroked my cheek. However, in my truest moment of need, her hand had not stayed the lunacy they'd agreed upon.
"I don't really know because my relationship with Renee has always been unique, but it seems that a mother would do anything to keep her child from hurting. I thought about that during the time you were gone, and I realized you were being a mother…to your son. I never had a place in your heart, Esme; there wasn't enough room."
Carlisle growled at Esme's cry of pain, and I turned my venom on him. "One moment of leadership, Carlisle, was it too much to ask on my behalf? You stand before me saying that you led a search for me. You worked to protect me from James, yet the thing that you knew would destroy me…nothing. You're a doctor. The words comatose and vegetative, they have meaning to you, right? They have meaning to me now as well. A mind that won't stop stuck in a body that won't move. I call it Hell. Edward wanted to save me from losing my soul, but in fact he tore it from my body and sent it directly to Hell. "
An errant thought ran through my mind as I saw Carlisle grapple with what I'd told him and heard Edward moan in pain from behind me. Maybe I should start feeding on those individuals; it would actually be poetic and cathartic for my history to serve as a catalyst for their salvation.
Always the protector of his family, Emmett started to say something, drawing my attention, and for the first time, I truly looked upon Rosalie's face. She seemed to be sobbing.
I interrupted whatever Emmett was going to say, "Why do you look sad? I imagine you danced a jig on my proverbial grave."
She flinched into Emmett and his deep voice finally found purchase. "Bella! Stop! We made an incredible mistake, but the family needs you."
"WELL, I DON'T NEED YOU! You don't have to pretend to care anymore, Emmett. Demetri acts in your stead as a big brother. HE at least attempts to protect me when I venture the wrong direction or when there are things around me that I don't understand. You LEFT me, plain and simple!"
I stalked back to stand before Edward. His golden eyes found purchase with my blood red ones. He understood what his decision had done to me. That much was clear from the shame in his eyes. But I couldn't accept that he truly comprehended the devastation…all because he felt he knew what was best for me. It was clear, as well, that the others hadn't really grasped what their abandonment had done. My gaze flitted back over them. Esme had her head buried against Carlisle's chest. Alice's hands covered her face while Jasper embraced her. Emmett stroked Rose's face in comfort. Mates offering what they could to those they loved.
"Bella, please," Esme's voice came gently across the room.
Please what? Forgive them so that they could feel good again. God forbid they feel one ounce of agony, even for a second.
I looked up into the face I loved beyond reason. "For months, I was nothing less than dead. I didn't eat; I barely slept. Charlie wanted to send me to Florida and even considered hospitalization. I couldn't breathe for the hole you left in my chest. I think I would have committed suicide…"
Edward visibly flinched at those words. "…if Jacob hadn't rescued me. Then, he too left."
"Bell.." Jacob began to speak.
I slashed my hand down in an arc as I growled at him, effectively shutting him up.
"I couldn't stand to see the pity in anyone's eyes so I ran…only to end up here."
"I love you, Bella. I will work to gain your trust back." Edward promised in his velvet voice, his sincerity plain across his exquisite face.
It was in that moment that I conceded Marcus and Felix had been right. Edward had never stopped loving me; he'd left believing it was the best thing for me after the incident with Jasper. I felt the rubber band within me snap.
"YOU LOVE ME? YOU THINK SAYING THOSE WORDS ARE ENOUGH? It was bad enough when I lay on the floor of my room and searched vainly for sanity believing that somewhere you were happy, that the family was happy. I sickly thought that my agony was worth it; to know you'd found your distractions somewhere else and that being around me didn't cause you pain. That Alice and Jasper were happy again without the thirst my blood caused him. That Emmett didn't have to be pulled between whatever affection he felt for me and his wife's disdain for the poor human. That Carlisle and Esme didn't have to worry about what the mere human may do to their family. You stand before me now and tell me you all left because you LOVED ME. That makes it worse…so much worse…to know your kind of love would leave me broken and be okay with it!"
Rage poured into my body. It was a heady feeling, to feel pure hatred in that moment. Even I felt a fission of fear that possibly I was about to lose control. I saw Jasper's eyes widen, and he began to step in front of the family, as if to protect them. Wise man, Jasper.
"Go back to wherever you came from, Edward. There is nothing left here for you."
Edward made the mistake of reaching for me then. When I felt his touch on my arms, after so long of nothing, it overwhelmed me. Liquid molten lava flowed through my body at the level of love and sexual longing that poured through me for him. My body instinctually moved to bury my face in his chest, but then my fury took over.
I heard Jasper shout "NO!" at the same time as I did.
CRACK!
I slammed my fist into Edward's face, knocking him to the floor with a pleasing crunch. I would have pounced on him and destroyed him in my fury if Marcus hadn't caught me from behind, wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace. Even knowing the gentle soul that caged me, I still fought to get to Edward, wanting to rip him limb from limb.
"No, Isabella, you'll hate yourself for doing any more," he whispered in my ear, urging me to calm down.
Edward rose quickly, and he came to me again. Acceptance of what I'd done to him as only part of his penance written across his face. I shrieked at him.
"Bella, I promise, I will never leave you again." I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed.
I saw red at his presumption and audacity, and the next thing I knew, Edward's body flew through the air, crashing into the wall behind his family members. Emmett streaked forward to capture me, but his strength wasn't a match for my newborn power. I shoved him backwards as well, and he slid across the floor before finding purchase.
"STAY AWAY FROM ME!" I screamed at them all.
I turned to make sure I hadn't hurt Marcus, wondering what had happened to him during my loss of control, and saw that Aro had come from behind me to join him as Sulpicia screamed for them to do something. I threw my hands up at them, warning them to stay away. My hands found purchase in my hair, and I wanted to rip something in my newborn rage. In my indecision, feral snarls emanated from my chest before I felt the first wave of calm hitting me.
"FUCK YOU, JASPER! DON'T YOU DARE!" I spit at him before hearing the doors to the room open behind me. Several Guards had heard the commotion and come to check.
Run, Isabella, Run! My mind screamed. Don't run, Isabella! My heart begged. Uncertainty swamped me, and during that time, I closed my eyes to find some balance. Then, I opened my eyes to find a wolf the size of a horse standing between the family and me, as if it was protecting them from me.
DANGER to us all! My mind screamed this time. And I lunged.
A crack of thunder echoed throughout the room as Jasper and I collided in mid air. He wrapped his arms around me, and had it not been for the wave of calmness he saturated me with, I would have ripped loose and crushed him. We fell to the floor with a crash. Jasper's golden eyes locked with mine, and I lay wrapped in his arms, panting. Sorrow, sadness, and understanding were apparent in his gaze, and it infuriated me.
"Get out of here!" his voice echoed through the cavernous room. "Leave me with her." I heard someone coming close, and Jasper answered my question of who when he snarled, "Edward, for the love of God, listen for once!"
And they obeyed, but not before I saw the anguish in Edward's face and the thing turn back into a naked Jacob. What the hell…
I lay caged in Jasper arms as he saturated me with the calming influence of his gift.
"Damn you to Hell," I whispered, and ironically his golden eyes crinkled in slight humor.
"I've been there Bella, and the past months have been a living Hell without you in the family. Unlike the others, I didn't assume you would forgive us so easily. You have the right to feel exactly what you are experiencing. In fact, I would respect you less if you'd caved and made this easy for us. If you so decide, make my brother work for it. It will be good for him. But please know I sincerely apologize for my part in this fiasco."
It took even Jasper a few minutes to calm me down enough to the point I could speak. He'd obviously just saved me from hurting Jacob – although I was greatly puzzled over that! I needed to assuage his guilt so that when he left he did not carry it with him. "Jasper, stop, please. When you leave here tomorrow…"
His face looked strange at my statement, but I continued anyway. "…know that I understand your actions more than anyone's. I didn't understand the burn. I do now. I respect you immensely. You can go in peace."
He looked horrified, understanding dawning across his face. "You've chosen to feed off humans?" he strangled out.
"Choice is a word that has many meanings."
His hold on me tightened. "Who forced you?"
I stiffened, in defense of my Volturi family. "I made the decision, for reasons I don't have to explain to anyone."
Jasper grabbed my head and brought it into my chest, cuddling me like a lover. I didn't cry this time, but the comfort he offered was welcome. It was a clear definition of just how much my life had changed that I felt safe in his arms.
"I would like to go to my room now," I finally said.
"I will walk you there before finding the others."
"Jasper, you don't…"
He interrupted me. "I was raised a gentleman, Bella. I will escort you before going to find the family."
When my door opened, I wandered what Jasper would think to find Aro sitting in my room. There were a few moments of tense silence before I caught Jasper unconsciously nodding his head in acceptance.
"Good night Bella. Master Aro…"
Master Aro?
Aro rose, and I was delighted to see him in jeans. I could only hope that meant one thing.
"Isabella, let's go for a run…"
I would love to know what you think! Unlike my other story where I couldn't ask for reviews, I'm soliciting your thoughts here. Please!
As always, I want to thank my Betas – please check out their stories here on FF – they are incredible:
hopeforastalemate – A better name for this woman would be Volturi Girl. I'd started this story months ago, during short breaks from Harvest Moon. So… in response to her love of the 'Italian scum' and her personal invitation for me to write something a little darker, my planned sweet, angsty story between Bella, Edward, and Jacob took a dramatic turn. See the link to her profile below:
http: / www. /u /2173996/
Crmcneill – For his patience with me (contrary to how he presents himself on his FF profile) and his incomparable editing skills. Male twilight fans are not a myth – they do exist, and I am so glad I was able to connect with him. I've called many men friends, but I've never called one master until now. "Strong is the power of the comma. Mind what you have learned. Save you it can." See the link to his profile below.
http: / www . /u /1933926/