Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...
Alex was so busy trying to hold up what once was her detective, you know the saying my job is to now hold up the corpse that was once so and so. Well Alex was trying to hold up the corpse that was once Olivia Benson, so much so that she was walking on egg shells around her and the kid gloves were always on. They were on a broken road to nowhere, like two ships lost at sea, and the storm had crashed down on them so much so that finally threatened to pull them under and drown them. Enough was enough for Olivia finally, she had taken to drinking a beer or two, or a glass of wine with dinner anything really, but with out a drink or two she just couldn't relax around Alex. She knew that wasn't her, she had seen her mom drunk all her life, hell she hadn't even taken time off when her mom died outside a bar falling down the stairs to the subway station. Alex never mentioned the drinking, never said a word when she got that second beer, glass, of wine, shot, whatever was the drink of choice that night, she was just grateful Olivia never went over two most nights, three tops. Olivia finally had enough of Alex's kid glove's routine.
"Alex stop, for the love of it all just stop!" Olivia huffed at her, boring holes into her with her eyes.
Alex started to say something but then just snapped her mouth shut, she worried her lower lip trying to figure out what she could do to make this better.
Olivia sighed, "look I know you mean well, but the eggshells and kid glove routine has to stop, I need you to be there for me, not pity me, feel sorry for me, or treat me as if I'm a china doll that's going to break if your not extra careful." She just wanted it all to go away and for her to be herself again the one before Sealview, and this even worse attack.
Here she was the brunt of Olivia's anger yet once again, she just couldn't go on like this. She knew she deserved it, hell she deserved everything her girlfriend threw at her, wasn't she one that had hurt her, broke her, left her as she was now? She was no better than the bad guys they put away, the minute she used that thing it made her no better than they were, she was a rapist of sorts. She hadn't meant it and didn't think at the time it would be a bad thing, but she was here in a mess of epic proportions and it was all her doing. As if a light went on in her head, it hit her. While she wasn't the one physically attack, this wasn't just an assault on her detective, in a way they both had been hurt, and because of that part of her wouldn't be the same either. She had to learn how to not only hold up the new Olivia Benson, but also how to look at her, to be there for her, and as much as she wished she could be the perfect girlfriend and know all the right things to say and do she didn't, she had to let Olivia lead and she would follow. "Liv, I love you like no one I've ever loved before, your right I know it has to stop, but I don't know how right now." She was being honest and trying again to soothe Liv as best as she could.
Olivia sighed and tried to keep her anger in check, "you have to just try I can't do it all, it's all to much Alexandra do you understand? it's all just to damn much!" As much as she wanted to hold it all together right now it just wasn't happening.
Alex wanted to shake her, to get in her face and yell, to just let it all out. She wanted to say your just like your mother, all the yelling and huffing you do, the drinking, your her, you're Serena just without the getting totally smashed nightly. She wanted to say all of that to just blow off some steam but she didn't, she knew none of it was true Olivia was nothing like her mother. Alex took several deep calming breathes tears silently starting to fall decided she needed help too. "Olivia you weren't the only one attacked here, and before you say anything," she paused. "I wasn't physically attacked and hurt, no he didn't rape me, but your not alone in this, and just maybe I think I need to see someone to help me help you. Please I'm not saying your helpless, just that I want to be the one you can feel comfortable with and not need a few drinks to relax around." She really was at a loss she wanted to tell Olivia she was sorry for rapping her, she really felt as if she had. She just didn't have the words for it, so she said the words she did have even it was lacking for now.
Olivia had been looking at her hand in her lap, and her head snapped up at Alex's words. she replayed them again and again as she stared at her. And not need a few drinks to relax around her, and again about her being comfortable, all the things Olivia wanted and wanted to be but couldn't be right now. I love her so much, she knows me so well she thought. She knew Alex well too and knew this also was a new Alex, Alex was right she was hurting too, albeit for different reasons mainly that Olivia had been rapped and attacked, but now maybe she needed to see someone too, and maybe down the road they could see someone together. Olivia hadn't been big on shrinks before all of this, but Sam had been helping her a lot, she was the main reason she hadn't run off after the debacle that had been an attempt at love making. "Alex," Olivia started softly her tone having softened to just above a whisper with this new revelation. "Maybe you need to see someone also." She voice was shaky and her eyes were leaking tears as she spoke.
"Yeah, maybe I should." She agreed, with her own tears now falling she took Liv's hand, and they cried together a nice long cry. Both hurting, but now seamed finally to be on the same page that for the last two months they hadn't been even close to. They held hands, for now it was all Liv could allow, her body just couldn't let her be held, and when Alex felt her girlfriends grip tighten around her fingers she looked into her eyes and for the first time since it happened, since that monster had hurt her, she saw the tiniest glimmer of hope, "I love you Liv, I will make calls on monday, I will do what I can to make this better for us."
Olivia was staring at Alex through her tears, her body shook with silent sobs as she listen to Alex, and heard more the meaning behind her words penetrate her. The words themselves were few and more like she was talking business, but the look she saw in her councilors eyes, and the tears she saw streaming down her face, told her they were full of hope, promise, and love. Alex still loved her, she loves me, I mean really still loves me, she thought. With all the emotions she felt from Alex's body language and eyes, the small glimmer of hope it gave her she finally allowed herself to go slack and move her body so her and Alex's arms rested side by side, the were now leaning against each other this way with their hands still interlocked. "I'm sorry, so sorry, I... I... I, I love you too, I'm sorry for all of this, I just wish I could be who I was before, it's like I'm a shell and there's nothing inside." She confessed, she didn't say that was part of the reasons she drank, she wasn't ready or really didn't know if that was it, but she knew with a few in her she felt something anything was better than the shell.
Alex smiled to herself, She was so happy right at this moment. Olivia had adjusted herself to lean on Alex physically and opened up to her, had been totally honest, and even if it was only for a minute she was going to take it as a good thing. She still felt like a rapist of sorts and was afraid to hurt Olivia again, she knew if she did it once, she could again, but for now she shoved that down into the pit of her stomach and went with this feeling, this small merest speck of hope she felt that they would be okay in time. After all her birthday was in a few weeks and the only thing she wanted for a gift was to be able to pamper Olivia, take her away for the weekend maybe longer and hold her, nothing more, just take her in her arms, kiss her forehead and hold her.
Please as Always R/R, I'd like 5 reviews at least before I update thanks. Seams like they need a little bit of time away, and since we missed Liv's birthday in december and Marskia's was the 23rd... it gets to be Alex's R/R and let me know what you think, vaction/birthday time for a bit of some lighter stuff or more agnst and sadness, you call people, let me know as well as tell me what you thought of this chapter.