Phil was dead. How unbelievable it was. Let me tell you, you never thinking about know well you know a person until their gone. Now that Phil was gone, I knew now that I knew Phil... He was one of my brothers.

I knew by Phil's death that my sister was dating Tommy. Some people would think that it would piss me off, but honestly, after giving it some thought, I don't want Kimi with anyone else. I know my parents have seen it coming for years, just like the rest of us.

Me, Kimi, Lil, Tommy, Dil, Betty, Howard, Didi, Stu, Angelica, Charlotte, Drew, and my parents were on the way to Phil's funeral. Quickly and unusually, the funeral was the night after he died. About 36 hours, I guess.

There was Lil. She sat right next to me on the bus we took from the church. She looked so beautiful, as always. Smelled pretty damn good, too. I have been in love with this girl since High school, having barely seen her since we all left for college. If there was only some way I could just set my feelings on the table. If I could just put the love I have for her in a cup and make her drink it... Now certainly wasn't the time. Her only brother had just died. What kind of person would I have been if I had just told her then and there? A complete asshole.

We were at the funeral home, ready to bury Phil. Tommy decided to say a few words.

"How does one describe Phillip Deville? One might say ambitious. One might say careless. Another might say stupid. Some might say loving. Me? I say asshole. Don't let that be a shock to you. It's the elephant in the room, someone had to say it. But, I think we all know that Phil wasn't the bad kind of asshole. He was the fun, caring, loving, considerate asshole. I put that word at the end because while he was thinking about us... He was also thinking about himself. It was a 50/50 in his heart between the people he loved, and himself. Now, I know Phil would have took a bullet for everybody sitting here. But... his carelessness killed him. While he was protective of us... He never thought about our feelings while he was getting drunk. All he wanted to do was party, party, party. He would leave any of those parties if he ever heard that one of us needed help... But, the second he was done, he would get right back to drinking. Some of you are surprised at my speech. And I don't blame you. Phillip was an asshole, but..." his voice choked up here. "... He was our asshole." Tommy wiped some tears away from his eyes, and gave the casket a pat. "See you later, man. Don't be an asshole to God."

Then, Lil went up. So beautiful, incredible. I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

"Phillip was my brother. My only brother. He helped me get through some tough times... through going to get my mom that time I scraped my knee when I fell off my tricycle, to kicking my second boyfriend's ass when he cheated on me. He kicked it pretty good, too... Phillip was my best friend, my brother, and now, he's my guardian angel. I am very upset with him that he left us before he got a chance to meet any of our children... But, they'll get to see him someday." she looked at the casket. "I love you, Phillip." She said with a broken voice.

Then, she came to me. Straight to me, and wanted me to hug her. Did I take that opportunity? Hell yes, I did. But, I wasn't going to let it get to my head. It was just a hug, as far I as I was concerned. Everybody ended up giving a speech, most of it your standard run-of-the-mill funeral speech. Phil was buried, and we all cried. Lil came to me again, and wanted me to hold her. So I did.. Tightly. I didn't want to let her go.

So I didn't. For about 30 minutes, I held her while she cried. Everybody else was joined in for a big group bawl before it was over... But, spiritually...and as far I was I concerned...it was just Lil and I...

I had to tell her. Or I would end up being killed by my own conscience because of being stupid enough to not tell her... But if I do... what if... something happens...?