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Chapter 2

If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again. Author Unknown

Hotch put down the phone when the call was disconnected. Suddenly he was deeply worried about JJ and Henry. He knew exactly how they felt, knew exactly what they went through. He and Jack had experienced the same. They still were experiencing every day how it was to live without the one you loved most. JJ had been right, it does get easier. But that doesn't mean that it ever stops to be difficult. Even three years after his mother's death Jack still sometimes woke up in the night screaming for his Mommy. He missed her every time he saw another child with his mother and he talked to her every evening before sleeping. Hotch loved his son more than anything else and did his best to always be there for him. But he could not replace Hailey.

"Jack!", Hotch shouted for his son who played calmly in his room.

"I'm coming, Daddy! What's up?", seven-year-old Jack screamed when running down the stairs, waving with a big plastic sword.

"We go to JJ and Henry's, okay?", Hotch told him, of course leaving out the dramatic details and trying hard to hide his nervousness and worry. "JJ is making Spaghetti."

"Yeah, hooray!", Jack yelled happily. "Can I play with Henry?"

"Of course you can.", Hotch affirmed, smiling at his son's enthusiasm. Jack had always loved JJ and this love had only increased since his Hailey's death. Hotch knew that Jack needed a mother figure in his life and seemingly JJ had automatically stepped in. Whenever Jack and Henry played together on the playground they always presented themselves as brothers. Henry admired Jack and looked up at him as if he had hung the stars while Jack was proud of being his rolemodel and loved to teach him things.

"And can I bring Cars?", Jack wanted to know hopefully. The movie 'Cars' was Jack's favorite movie right now and he watched it every evening. Hotch was already sick and tired of it.

"Of course you can, Buddy.", Hotch smiled at his son. There was something about this boy that made Hotch agree to almost everything that came out of his mouth. "But hurry up!"

After fifteen minutes, and Hotch having laughed heartily several times at the bizarre stories Jack had told him (the boy definitely had a vivid imagination), they arrived at JJ's house. Jack ran ahead and stretched for the bell, excitedly ringing several times.

At the sound of the bell JJ came abruptly back down to earth. "Henry? Jack and Hotch are coming!", JJ told her son gently and wanted to stand up. But then she noticed that her boy had fallen asleep in her arms. JJ smiled slightly. Henry was having nightmares all the time and thus both she and Henry weren't getting much sleep lately. Quickly wiping away the last tears from her face she made her way to the door, carrying Henry was her. Although the four-year-old was quite heavy she didn't think of laying him down. She was just as clingy as her son, she realized. Moreover she enjoyed these quiet times where neither of them was crying or screaming.

She opened the door. "Hello JJ!", Jack shouted happily and ran into the house. JJ smiled at the sight of the bubbly boy.

"Jack! Take off your shoes!", Hotch scolded his larking son. "Hey JJ.", he then greeted JJ gently and regarded her and the sleeping Henry worriedly with his dark eyes.

JJ felt his gaze unpleasantly on her and snapped angrily: "We're okay, Hotch, really. Stop looking at me like this."

"And what was this call, then?", Hotch asked, obviously not believing her and looking her deeply into the eyes.

JJ ignored his question and, not being able to hold his scrutinizing gaze, just said: "Come in, Hotch.", before closing the door behind him.

"JJ, I'm hungry!", Jack suddenly exclaimed.

"Jack, could you please be a little quieter? Henry is asleep.", JJ asked Jack who danced around her. JJ ruffled him fondly through his dark hair.

"I never sleep at daytime. Only babies do that.", Jack stated disdainfully.

JJ laughed and explained: "Henry didn't sleep very well last night. He is really tired."

Jack looked disappointed. "But I wanted to play with Henry!"

"I have an idea.", Hotch intervened to prevent one of Jack's tantrums. He actually was an absolutely kind and calm boy, but since Hailey's death he sometimes got terrible temper tantrums. "How about you, Jack, already start watching your movie together with JJ?"

Jack's face lit up and he immediately held up the DVD in his hand. "Look JJ, I brought Cars! It's my favorite movie. I'm sure you will love it, too!", he told her excitedly.

JJ smiled at Jack. "I'm sure it's great." Then she looked worriedly at Hotch. "But what about dinner? It's not ready yet."

Hotch frowned. "Don't worry about that, JJ. You will sit in front of the TV and just do nothing while I prepare the spaghetti.", he told her firmly. She sent him a thankful look and a yawn escaped her mouth. Hotch gave her one of his rare smiles and tentatively reached out his hand to touch her face. JJ unconsciously leaned her head towards him, longing for his soft, comforting touch.

But then a picture of Will flashed through her mind. JJ flinched full of pain and guilt. She knew it wasn't really Hotch's touch she longed for. Quickly JJ backed away from Hotch and looked away. Hotch immediately hesitated, sensing her discomfort, and lowered his hand to instead caringly pat Henry's back. JJ could see the hurt in Hotch's eyes. But she couldn't deal with that right now.

Jack, unaware of the interaction between the adults, impatiently took JJ's hand and dragged her into the living room. "Come on, JJ!"

JJ took the DVD to put it into the DVD player. One minute later Jack and JJ with Henry in her lap sat on the sofa, cozily muffled up with blankets. Jack stared at the TV like later, Henry finally woke up. At first a little disoriented he was quickly comforted by his mother cuddling him and Jack flashing him a bright smile.

JJ couldn't really concentrate on the movie. She regarded the two boys, the littler one in her lap, Jack cuddling into her side. She lay her free arm around him. For her, those two boys were the bravest children in the whole world.

After having eaten they continued, now together with Hotch, watching the movie. The boys both were absolutely delighted with the movie 'Cars' and after having finished watching the film they quickly disappeared into Henry's room to play with his cars.

JJ and Hotch sat on the couch in uncomfortable silence. Nobody knew what to say. Finally Hotch broke the silence, gently saying: "JJ. Now that the boys are gone you can tell me how you honestly are."

JJ looked down at her hands lying in her lap. "What do you think how I am?", she snapped unhappily. "How did you feel two months after Hailey died?"

"I'm sorry, JJ. I know it's not easy. But you can to talk to me.", Hotch told her compassionately. At first he hesitated but then he softly squeezed her shoulder.

"Hotch…", JJ whispered desperately and cautiously looked at him. "I'm such a terrible mother! I snap at Henry all the time. I love him and want to be near him but… every time I look at him I see Will. His amazing green eyes. The way he walks. And it just hurts so much… It want the pain to go away, Hotch! Why can't it just go away? Why?", JJ sobbed so full of pain that Hotch's heart almost broke.

"JJ, you are a wonderful mother.", Hotch reassured her comfortingly. "I know that it is hard. I know it is almost unbearable, this pain. I know you want Will back. But you are strong. You and Henry will make it. I know it. Everything will be good in time."

Hotch wrapped his arms around JJ and gently pulled her into his lap. She buried her face into his chest and cried. Hotch felt her tears wetting his shirt but he didn't care. He just wanted JJ to feel better. He cared deeply for her and it hurt him to see her in so much agony.

JJ wanted to believe Hotch. But right now it felt impossible that she would ever be okay again. Her whole world seemed to be empty and dark without Will. JJ wanted to forget. Just for a moment she wanted to forget all those memories that caused her so much pain. She wanted to sleep, deep and dreamless. "Make the pain go away, please.", she whispered into Hotch's chest. JJ clung to him as if he would be her life line, the last thing that stopped her from falling.

Hotch whispered soothing words into her ear and rocked her gently until he felt her breathing slowing down and she fell asleep in his protective embrace.

In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing. Robert Ingersoll

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