I know I'm updating very often right now. But I'm sorry to tell you that this won't continue like this... normally I don't have that much time!

Chapter 5

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." Rose Kennedy

Hotch had enough. Ignoring his son's hysterical crying and protest he picked him up, put him into the car and fastened his seat belt. Then he got into the driver's seat and drove home.

While driving neither of them said a word. They both were deeply immersed in their own thoughts. Hotch could almost physically feel the angry glares his son sent him and it hurt him deeply. But he couldn't talk right now. Just couldn't. Too much happened a moment ago.

Hotch was deeply relieved when finally Jack's crying stopped and, looking into the rearview mirror, he noticed that his son had fallen asleep. In his sleep Jack looked so peaceful and innocent. But Jack had seen and experienced things a seven-year-old shouldn't even dream of.

Hotch was mad. Not at JJ, not at Jack, but at himself. JJ had just lost Will, of course this was really hard for her. He should have known that it would be a really bad idea to run her so close. She and Henry needed time to process and overcome Will's death and not him and Jack dancing around them.

It would be better for all of them not to see each other again too soon. JJ and Henry needed time to mourn and Hotch would just mess up everything with his stupid feelings for JJ. She and Henry would find a way back into life and maybe one day…

Hotch knew he had fallen madly in love with JJ. But it was his own stupid fault that the first woman after Hailey he truly loved had to be his coworker who just lost her husband. JJ had always been a very good friend for him and the last thing he wanted was him destroying what they had because of his stupid feelings for her.

He knew how important JJ was for Jack but he understood that JJ couldn't deal with him as well, it was difficult enough for her to bear the loss of Will and at the same time be there for Henry to help him through this rough time. It would be better if Jack didn't see JJ and Henry for a while. This pain and this sadness they radiated… it reminded Jack again of the terrible time after his own mother's death. Jack didn't need that right now.

For a moment Hotch thought of calling JJ to tell her that Jack was okay. But then he decided against that, he didn't want to edge JJ even more. She needed to be left alone. And as much as he understood JJ's reaction he still felt hurt and wasn't ready to talk to her. He loved her, he truly did. Of course he still missed Hailey, but he had put it behind himself. He would always love Hailey but he knew that she would want him to be happy and to find someone new. And he would wait for JJ until she was ready. Maybe one day she could love him, too.

When they finally arrived at their house Hotch lifted his son gently out of the car and carried him into his room.

"Daddy?", Jack asked sleepily. Hotch removed his son's shoes and placed him into his bed.

"Yes, Jack. Go back to sleep.", Hotch told him caringly.

"I want my Mommy.", Jack whispered.

"I know, buddy, I know. I wish I could bring her back for you but I can't.", Hotch responded compassionately and ruffled his son comfortingly through his hair.

"I'm sorry, Daddy. I didn't mean what I said. I don't hate you.", Jack said guiltily.

"I know, Jack, it's okay.", Hotch soothed him. "I'm sorry, too. I didn't mean to scream at you. I love you, Jack." Hotch kissed his son on the forehead. Jack wrapped his arms around his Daddy's neck and hugged him tightly.

"Do you think JJ hates me now?", Jack asked worriedly.

Hotch frowned. "No, Jack, she doesn't hate you. Why would she hate you?" He let go of Jack to look him into the eyes.

"Because when I said she could be my Mommy she sent me away. I think she doesn't want to be my Mommy.", Jack answered sadly.

"Jack, JJ loves you and I'm sure she would really love to be your mother.", Hotch reassured him. "It's just that… JJ and Henry just lost Will and they really miss him. Just like you miss your Mommy. They need time for each other. We have to give them this time, okay? All we can do is wait until they are ready for us."

"But, Daddy, you love JJ, don't you?", Jack asked.

Hotch hesitated. "Yes, but…", he began.

"Why can't you just marry her then so we can be a family?", Jack interrupted him hopefully. To him, it seemed so simple.

"I'm sorry, Jack, but that's not that easy.", Hotch tried to explain. "Two people have to fall in love before they can marry. And JJ loves Will." Hotch tried to hide the hurt in his voice. Inwardly Hotch scolded himself: He had to stop to be jealous of a man who was dead.

"Okay, Daddy.", Jack said sadly, accepting what his Daddy told him although it didn't really satisfy him.

"Jack, you don't need JJ. You have a real Mommy.", Hotch tried to convince his son gently.

"I know, Daddy. And I love Mommy.", Jack answered. "But she isn't here. And I want someone who cuddles me and cooks with me and kisses me all the time..."

Hotch sighed deeply. "But I can do that, Jack. Or aunt Jessica." Jack stayed silent.

"I have an idea, Jack.", Hotch told him. "Tomorrow we visit Mommy's grave and you can talk to her. We buy flowers and you can put them on her grave."

"Okay.", Jack sighed.

"And afterwards we go to the toy store and you can choose a new action figure.", Hotch tried to cheer his son up but even that didn't make Jack smile.

"Can I sleep in your room tonight?", Jack asked quietly.

Hotch smiled lovingly. "Of course, buddy."

"He is dead, JJ. He is dead. I'm sorry."

JJ couldn't believe what she heard. She couldn't believe what she saw. Will's dead body, the blood… it couldn't be real. It had to be a horrible nightmare. A horrible one, but just a stupid nightmare. Every moment she would wake up and laugh because it had been just a silly nightmare. Will would lie next to her and hug her to comfort her…

"JJ, come on. You have to stand up. He is dead. I'm so sorry, JJ. There is nothing we can do for him. He is dead."

JJ squeezed her eyes shut. "No.", JJ whispered desperately. "He cannot be dead." Now, JJ thought, now she would wake up. She knew it.

Then, suddenly she heard another voice. A familiar voice. A voice that made her tremble and made her flesh crawl. She opened her eyes. Realization sunk into her. There, only five steps away from her, stood the man who murdered the love of her life and the father of her child. The man who destroyed her life with just one little piece of metal. Only five steps away.

A sudden wave of energy flashed through her. With a yell she jumped to her feet. Somebody stood next to her. A hand squeezed her shoulder. But JJ pushed the person aside and broke away from the hand. She stormed towards the man to whom the terrible voice belonged. The man who had just destroyed her life.

"YOU! You killed him!", she screamed desperately and full of anger. Her face was contorted with pain and she saw everything through a thick blur of tears. A police man stood next to the murderer. JJ saw the gun at his belt. Without thinking she pulled it out and directed it at the head of the man. "I will kill you! You don't deserve to live when he is dead!", JJ yelled, blind with rage and grief.

"No, JJ!", somebody shouted. Hands grasped at her.

The man looked at her. JJ looked him straight into the eyes. But there was no fear in them. Instead he grinned maliciously.

JJ pulled the trigger.

"Will!" With a scream JJ woke up. Since that moment in which she had shot this man she not only saw Will's face in front of her inner eye every night but also that of his murderer. But while Will's pale and painful face filled her with sadness and grief the murderer's dead face filled her with nothing but satisfaction. Not one moment had she regretted to having killed him. Not one second. He deserved to be dead. His death had spared her and Henry a painful trial, she had gotten her revenge and he had gotten his fair punishment.

Once again the memory of him had hit her with an incredible force. Again the pain of losing Will ate her up, drained her like dry flames. It hurt so terribly. Every night she cried herself to sleep, missing his presence next to her so badly. She longed for his warmth, his gentle touch, wanted to feel him again. Without him by her side she felt so empty. Lonely. Abandoned. The rest of the night she barely slept. She cried, remembered, thought, and cried more.

"Mommy?"

JJ started from her sleep. In the first moment she felt slightly disoriented. Where was she? Oh, in her bed. What had happened…? She had gone to bed after… oh no, the argument between her and Hotch! And the argument between Hotch and Jack. Suddenly she was very worried about Jack. Was he okay? But then she thought, of course he was okay. Otherwise Hotch would definitely have called her.

She remembered the harsh words she had yelled at Hotch. How could she have been so mean to him? He had just wanted to help her. Suddenly JJ felt so sorry. She should call him and apologize. It was all her fault. If she hadn't overreacted this whole disaster yesterday hadn't happened. She should... no. No, she couldn't face Hotch right now.

She remembered what Jack had said. He wanted her to be his mother. It had broken JJ's heart to see Jack so sad. Jack was almost like a second son for her. Seeing him like this was too much for her. But she couldn't do that. She couldn't replace Hailey. She would say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing… she would mess it up. Jack deserved something better than her. Oh, what a coward she was. She was a terrible coward and a weakling. Jack had put his trust into her and she betrayed him. But she wasn't ready for this.

"Mommy!", once again Henry's voice brought her back down to earth.

"Yes, Henry, I'm awake.", she told him, still sleepy.

"I'm hungry, Mommy.", Henry whined impatiently.

JJ forced a smile for her little son. "Then I guess I will make us breakfast."

JJ got out of her bed, picked up Henry, who was playing on the ground next to her bed with his cars, and walked down the stairs.

Suddenly the telephone rang.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. From a headstone in Ireland

Reviews make me happy! And when I'm happy I write more... :)