Chapter 3

In Me Gut

Lister's gut instinct or what was currently kicking around in his guts, told him there was more here than meets the eye. Lister searched through the four hundred square feet of the large white Surgical medi bay with photo in hand. At the end of thirty three minutes he had deduced that nothing currently in the medi bay could possibly be the object in the background of the photograph. Slumping down absentmindedly onto the large full backed chair, he hazarded that in the next several months they must obtain some piece of hardware that would enable himself to survive the impending cesarean.

Absently tugging at a loose piece of rubber from the toecap of his boot with his right hand, Dave was studying the photo in his left, when Rimmer came marching into the Medi Bay with a hypodermic armed scutter in tow.

"Ah there you are Lister, you knocked up piece of common gutter trash. I almost didn't recognize you. Thought you might have been that inflatable beach ball that went missing last spring." Rimmer started. "Still I should have guessed it was you, just by the trail of fun size crunchy bar wrappers that led me here in he first place."

Simultaneously looking up from, and tucking his photo away into the closest pocket, Lister scowled. Rimmer who, unable to take hints, continued approaching Lister with a large smug look on his stupid face.
"I'm busy Smeg for brains, what do you want?"

"Your busy, busy doing what?" Rimmer questioned as he moved in closer, trying to see what Lister was hiding.

Lister had become more and more difficult to find for Rimmer in these past weeks. He wasn't in bed when Rimmer awoke, and he wasn't there when Rimmer went to sleep, but somehow there were always new curry stains on his sheets. They would obviously be rearranged, as slept in, but Rimmer would never actually see Lister in the bed. This bothered him a great deal.

To Arnold Rimmer the best part of bad news was to tell somebody, and almost solely for their facial reaction alone. The way a persons face would lose all emotion at first drooping sagging finely turning into something resembling a wad of bread dough. The widening of the eyes, the horror and the questioning look as to plead with the barer himself as if to question; is this is all some sort of joke? All the while Rimmer would be their smiling his stupid smile, his hair pointing in all compass directions and nodding his head in an affirmative manner. To relieve the victim of any doubts to the horrors he had just administered to them Rimmer's head would continue bobbing, like a child when asked if they would like a second helping of dessert.

Sickness and disease were similar, but not quite as powerfully so. Still one had to take what one could, and a male pregnancy with the added bonus of labor and birth was pretty good all things considered. Still where was the fun in all this if he couldn't find Lister to gloat over.

"Where have you been it's almost noon, you had a blood check with Pete the Scutter at 9:30, you missed it."

"Keep back Pete the Scutter" threatened Lister as Pete started for him, syringe in claw. The scutter stopped momentarily confused by the conflict of orders, between the dead hologram of a first technician and of a living third technician. Using this momentary respite Dave lifted his heavily burdened bottom from the chair keeping it between himself and the demented duo.

"I took my own blood, every thing's normal. Well as it could be all things considering."

"You? You don't know anything about blood. Now stand still and let Pete jab you."

"Listen Rimmer." Lister spewed as he approached his crew mates image. Slowly and emphasizing every syllable Lister looked directly into the eyes of the dead man and unblinkingly said "Stay the smeg away from me." Then shouting, "and that goes for your little droid to." Pointing to the unmoving scutter. "Or I'm libel to do something really really irrational and crazy." Growled Lister, his slightly mad gaze unwavering.

Rimmer was shocked into paralyzation, never before had Lister threatened him like this. True Lister had in the past threatened him on a daily basis, but never addressing him with this serious of a tone. Motherhood thought Arnold, how god awfully cute, he could almost see some of his own mom in Lister. Total vomitization.

"And what are you going to do to me?" Said Rimmer his voice cracking. "Kill me? Afraid your too late for that me laddo," now gaining confidence in the fact that he was dead, and pretty much invulnerable in that respect.
"No I'll just go down to the Hologramation Simulation Suite, and have a small party featuring a medium size fire ax and the central processor. "Stated the caged mother to be.

"Then Einstein, you'll definitely be alone. Trapped in deep space. You'll probably go mad. What am I saying? You've been mad since the moment we met, probably from birth that's the only thing to explain it."

"Or possibly you're mad, Smeg head, that's another explanation. Either way I'm not responsible for what I do. So stay the smeg away from me!"
Lister going out of his way to walk through the startled Rimmer on the way out the northern exit. He turned and faced the startled hologram.

"See Rimmer, just like your not even here."
So outraged was Rimmer that he almost had a full spasm on the spot.