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Chapter 6

Don't help them to bury the light, don't give in without a fight.
Don't tell me there is no hope at all: together we stand, divided we fall.
Pink Floyd (Hey you)

"Jareau?", JJ answered the telephone tiredly. Fortunately Hotch had been able to repair it.

"Hey Jayje! It's me, Emily.", Emily's voice sounded through the phone.

"Oh, hey Emily.", JJ answered.

"How are you?", Emily asked softly.

"Good.", JJ responded not very convincingly. "We're okay."

Inwardly Emily slapped herself. What a stupid question! Of course she wasn't okay. But Emily let the topic go without digging deeper. "Hey JJ, Garcia and I plan on a Ladies night out tonight. You want to join us?"

"No.", JJ answered immediately. She couldn't just go out and have fun as if nothing had happened. Since Will had died every joke, every laugh, every smile left a sour aftertaste. While talking JJ began to lay the table.

"Come on, JJ. It will be fun!", Emily tried to convince her. But again she had the deep desire to slap herself. Fun?

"No Emily, it will be no fun!", JJ screamed full of pain and the plate in her hand fell to the ground where it broke into a thousand pieces. "Nothing is fun without Will! I don't want to go out with you! How can you do as if nothing ever happened? He is dead, Emily, and you, you just continue to live your life!"

In the next moment JJ already regretted her outburst. Fortunately Henry hadn't been in the room. It just was hard to accept that life went on, even without Will. For her, the world had stopped turning since that moment and it only slowly get started again.

Emily sighed sadly. She felt so sorry for her friend. "I'm sorry, JJ. I know this is hard for you. I don't know how you feel and I'm sure I cannot really imagine how bad this has to be. But what can I say? All I can do is be there for you and help you get over the pain. And that's my way to help you: distract you. Please JJ, let me help."

JJ was silent for a moment. "I know, Em, that you just want to help me. But I don't know if I can bear that. To go out without having someone to come back to. To see all these happy couples. To hear Garcia talk about Kevin while Will…" JJ sobbed.

Emily's heart broke. "JJ… I know you will overcome this. I know that's hard to believe right now, but you are strong. Maybe the strongest person I know. You will survive this, and someday you will look back and think, this was a hard time but I made it through it."

JJ laughed ironically. "When you say it like this it sounds so easy. But it is not. I'm not strong, Emily, I'm weak. I wish I had died instead of him." Her voice broke.

"No, JJ, don't you dare to say that!", Emily shouted, appalled and now really worried. "Will died to save your life. He died to give you a second chance! You can't just throw that away! That's not what he would want. Please JJ, you have to hang on. If not for yourself, or for us, than for Henry. He needs a strong Mom, a mother who shows him that life can be beautiful!"

Before Will's death JJ had been such a person. She had been happy, always a smile on her pretty face and her bright personality cast a spell over everybody. But since Will's death she was no longer the JJ they knew and loved. There now was this deep sadness in her eyes and it was hard to believe that they once had been so full of life.

JJ sighed. "I know, Emily, you are right." JJ suddenly felt so guilty. Will had done so much for her. And she? She wasn't even able to do him the honor and give his death a sense. She had always known that she didn't deserve someone like him. "But Em, there is one problem. I can't leave Henry, he needs me."

Emily smiled slightly. "No excuse. Henry can spent the night with Hotch and Jack. I know how much he loves them."

"Yeah… but Hotch and I had an argument.", JJ admitted gloomily.

Emily frowned. "About what?"

"I called Hotch so he and Jack came over. I fell asleep… on his lap.", JJ told her hesitantly.

"Ooooh… if Garcia hears that…"

"Shut up, Emily. She won't, got it? So, when I woke up I remembered Will… and I suddenly felt so bad… as if I had cheated on him. I screamed at Hotch that he should leave."

"Oh no.", Emily commented compassionately.

"Yeah. Hotch went to go get Jack so they could leave. But Jack didn't want to leave. He clung to me and said he wants us to be a family. With me as the Mommy."

"Oh my God. What did you do?", Emily asked.

"Nothing.", JJ shrugged. "Hotch and Jack left." JJ sighed. "Emily, I'm not ready for this."

"JJ, that's okay. You don't have to be ready. Nobody expects you to be.", Emily told her. "But you absolutely have to talk to Hotch. And to Jack, too."

"I know, I know. But I can't face them right now.", JJ said wearily. "I have other things on my mind." For example Will.

"I know JJ…", Emily answered caringly. "So what about tonight? Reid can babysit Henry. I'm sure he would love to spend some time with his godson."

"Yes, I'm sure he would.", JJ agreed. "Okay. You won, I come with you.", JJ finally gave in. She had to stop with her self-pity. It wouldn't help her and Henry all the less. Emily was right, Will wouldn't want her to end in a depression. Since two months she had barely left the house, hadn't been working and had only done the most necessary work in the household. She had just been at home with Henry. Most of the time she had spent crying or, when Henry was there, trying to hide her tears, thinking of Will and how much she missed him. Often she had cuddled with Henry or read a story to him, but that had been all. It was time to leave her house again. And if it was really bad she could still drown all her sorrow in alcohol. Maybe a good idea.

"That's great!", Emily shouted happily. "Then we come to get you around eight, okay? Shall I call Reid for you?"

"No, Emily, I can do that.", JJ quickly told her.

"Okay, JJ. Bye, see you later!", Emily said. JJ hung up.

"Hey Henry!", she shouted. "I'm going to be away this evening. What do you think, do you want to have some fun with Reid?"

Henry shook his head. "No, I want to see Jack and Hotch!"

JJ sighed. "I'm sorry, Jack and Hotch have no time today." That was a an emergency lie.

"Will we see them tomorrow then?", Henry asked hopefully.

"Maybe.", JJ said vaguely.

"But surely the day after tomorrow, right?", Henry asked.

"I don't know, Henry. We will see, okay?", JJ tried to appease her son.

"Okay.", Henry said sadly.

"Don't be sad, Henry.", JJ begged. "We can do whatever you want today. We can have fun. What do you think?"

Henry thought for a moment. "Can we go to the zoo?", he asked hopefully.

JJ smiled. "Of course we can. That's a great idea, Henry."

So JJ called Reid, who indeed was delighted with the idea of spending some time with his godson, so she was free tonight to go out with her friends. It felt strange, tonight would be the first time to go out since Will's death. But suddenly JJ was determined to overcome her grief. Emily was right, she had to be strong, for Henry's sake.

Then she and Henry got ready to go to the zoo. JJ was happy because Henry was happy. He seemed to have a good day and danced around her the whole time in pleasant anticipation. "Mommy, I want to see the lions. Do we see the lions?"

JJ laughed. "Yes, Henry, we will see the lions. But only if you now put on your shoes instead of talking all the time!"

And the two of them really had a good time. Henry managed to make JJ laugh several times and the whole day Henry only cried three times what JJ inwardly celebrated as a gigantic success. For a few hours mother and son were able to forget their grief. For a few hours they could be carefree and could just have fun together. JJ was in a good mood today and so she bought her son whatever he wanted. He came home with a new stuffed animal, several candy bars, a mouth smudgy with ice-cream and his clothes full of dirt from the playground and the petting zoo. At the end of the day JJ was very tired but contented in a way she hadn't been since Will died. She thought about cancelling the ladies night but she knew Garcia and Emily wouldn't let her alone so easily.

When Reid arrived to babysit Henry the little boy immediately greeted him effusively. "Hey Spence!", the four-year-old yelled happily. "We were at the zoo today! We saw the lions! And the penguins!" Reid smiled. Since Henry could speak there were two people in this world who called him 'Spence'.

Reid picked the boy up and kissed him on the forehead. "That's great, Henry! I take it, you had a lot of fun?" Normally Reid wasn't good was children, most kids began to cry as soon as they saw him. But Henry was different.

"Hey Spence, thank you again for babysitting Henry.", JJ told him and hugged him. "I won't come back too late."

Reid hugged her back. "It's okay, JJ. Take your time. I'm sure we will have lots of fun." JJ smiled at seeing Reid and her son together.

"And look, Spence, my new lion!", Henry shouted excitedly and held up his new stuffed animal to show it to Reid.

"That's a very handsome lion.", Reid praised. "What's his name?"

"Lion.", Henry answered enthusiastically.

Reid laughed. "That's a very… imaginative name." Henry giggled.

"And look, Mommy bought me lots of candy bars. But they're all mine and you don't get any!", Henry shouted gleefully.

Reid made a face. JJ laughed: "Don't be so selfish, Henry!"

Henry giggled. "Okay, you can have one. But only one!"

Reid grinned. "That's very generous of you, Henry. Thank you." Eagerly he took the candy bar.

"Incredibly, two months without Will and Henry's upbringing already goes down the toilet!", JJ laughed. But then she choked on the laugh. That was the first time since Will died that she made a joke involving him. This was the first she actually talked about him just like that and without crying. JJ wasn't sure whether this was something good or bad.

Reid noticed JJ's change of mood and lay a comforting hand on her shoulder. She gave him a thankful smile. For JJ, Reid was the most pleasurable to be around since Will died. The others always either looked at her so pitiful, as if she would break down any moment, or they were so happy that it seemed as if they already had forgotten about Will. Reid whereas just treated her like always, absolutely natural and at the same time he spoke his words with a gentleness and consideration as if he always kept Will in mind.

Then the doorbell rang and JJ knew Garcia and Emily had arrived.

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. Friedrich Nietzsche

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