Live with passion

Chapter 10

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?
Sober (Pink)

Suddenly JJ woke up. It was bright, unbearably bright. The sun shined into her bedroom and the light burnt in her eyes. A larking ray of sunshine tickled her nose so that JJ had to sneeze. Despite the warm sun JJ felt cold. When she wiped her forehead she noticed it was burning hot and dripping with sweat. But the worst was her head. It hurt terribly, a dull, thumping pain in the back of her head. As if a gigantic hammer constantly beat against her skull.

But even this horrible physical pain wasn't able to drown the other kind of pain. If anything her feeling so miserable made her crave Will's presence even more. After the numb oblivion of being drunk the pain of him not being here felt even more unbearable. The memory of Will's funeral she just relived in her dreams still played vividly in front of her inner eye. She would never forget the broken look in Henry's eyes when he lay his rose on his father's grave and blew him one last kiss. She remembered the fog around her when all she had been able to perceive had been the crying little boy in her arms and the dead man in the coffin. She remembered all the expressions of sympathy, all the voices talking about things they had no idea of. She had endured them all stoically although all she had wanted was to curl up in a corner and cry.

Reluctantly JJ tried to shake of the sad thoughts and opened her eyes again, this time she took a look at her alarm clock. With a shocked gasp she realized it was already half past eleven. Henry!, flashed through her mind. Where was he? Why didn't he wake her?

As fast as her throbbing head allowed her to she jumped clumsily out of the bed and stumbled sleepily down the stairs. Pitifully JJ rubbed the back of her head. She definitely had drunk way too much yesterday!

Slowly becoming more aware of her surroundings JJ heard happy voices coming from the kitchen. The first voice was Henry's, the second… Reid! Suddenly JJ remembered him sleeping on the couch and a slight smile appeared on her face.

As soon as JJ stepped drowsily into the kitchen a brightly smiling Henry threw himself at her. "Mommy! Mommy! Spence made me pancakes for breakfast!"

With as much enthusiasm as possible JJ answered, forcing a smile despite the pain in her head: "That's great, sweetie!"

"Oooooh, yes, it is!", Henry squealed cheerfully and slung her arms around her waist. JJ hugged him tightly but two seconds later the little energetic boy was already on the run again.

"Good morning.", Reid greeted her kindly and smiled at her. "Did you sleep well?"

JJ didn't answer this question since she didn't think she had slept well only once in the past few months. Instead she raised an eyebrow at him and said mockingly: "I didn't even know you could make pancakes!"

Reid laughed good-humouredly. "I didn't know either but I found a recipe in one of your cookbooks and thought I could give it a try."

JJ frowned. "What, you used my kitchen for your dangerous cooking experiments?"

Reid gave her a confused look, seemingly not sure whether she was joking or serious. "Hey, I'm not that bad at cooking! Admittedly, the first pancake was a little black but the others were delicious, weren't they, Henry?"

"Yes!", Henry agreed. "They were almost as yummy as yours are, Mommy!", Henry added with a charming smile which looked painfully similar to the one Will always gave her. JJ smiled back and ruffled the little boy fondly through his hair. In the beginning she had barely been able to look at Henry, too much had he reminded her of what she had lost. But now she enjoyed to see Will in his son and in a way even welcomed the pain it caused because this proved to her that Will would never be completely gone.

JJ turned to Reid. "Why didn't you wake me?", she asked reproachfully.

"I guessed you had a wild night, so I thought it would be better for you to sleep in.", Reid explained before adding soothingly: "Don't worry, JJ, I had everything under control. Henry and I here got along greatly without you for a few hours."

JJ noticed a unfamiliar sharpness in his voice which she really disliked. How did Reid dare to talk so rudely to her? Anger arose inside of JJ. "Reid! I really don't need you bossing me around!", she shouted furiously. "I'm fully capable of looking out for my son by myself, got it?"

"JJ!", Reid tried desperately to sooth her. JJ saw the hurt in his eyes but she felt way too sick and miserable to care. "JJ, you are a strong woman and I know you can do that. But you are sick, I see that, and sometimes it's the best to accept a little help."

Suddenly JJ felt really ashamed. Her anger quickly disappeared when she realized that Reid was right. All at once she felt like their roles were reversed. JJ had always been the big sister looking out for her littler brother. But now it seemed for the first time in their lives as if JJ would be the one needing protection and someone looking out for her. Instantly she felt really bad for treating Reid so unfriendly. She may have a huge hangover but that was no excuse.

"I'm so sorry, Spence.", JJ said pathetically. "I let you just deal with Henry and everything and then I'm so unthankful. Reid, thank you so very much not only for babysitting Henry but also for bearing me."

Reid looked at her with sincerity. "It's okay, JJ, don't worry. You are my friend and that's what friends are for."

Tears build up in JJ's eyes. "Oh, Reid, you do so much for us. You really didn't need to do that. Henry surely kept you on the run, didn't he? I don't know what I would do without you, Spence." Reid, overwhelmed by this amount of emotions, clumsily patted JJ's arm.

When Henry came back into the kitchen JJ tried hectically to brush away the tears but Henry nonetheless noticed her wet cheeks. He immediately ran up to hug her. "Don't be sad, Mommy!", he begged lovingly. "Me and Spence even left over a pancake for you!"

"Spence and me, Henry.", Reid corrected him automatically.

"Why do you talk about yourself like this?", Henry asked, confused. JJ laughed.

When Henry heard this a big smile appeared on his face. "Aren't you sad anymore, Mommy?"

JJ lifted her son onto the counter so she could look into his eyes. "No, I'm not sad anymore, Henry." Happily Henry patted JJ's head but unfortunately this caused JJ to slightly howl with pain.

Immediately Reid grinned gloatingly. "I take it, you definitely drunk too much yesterday, didn't you?"

JJ grinned back, now in a better mood although her head still hurt like crazy. "Hey, didn't you just say you are my friend? Then stop grinning like that! But - ", JJ smirked evilly. "in return Henry woke you up at the crack of dawn, right?"

Reid laughed. "Oh, that's no problem. I'm an early bird anyway!"

"But you also missed a lot of fun yesterday!", JJ pointed out. Automatically she had to think back to her conversation with Hotch. The memory of their kiss brought a small, happy smile on her face.

Reid shook his head vehemently. "Sorry, but I don't think I'm sad that I have missed that! I totally enjoyed spending some fun time with my godson!"

JJ laughed. "You bore!"

The rest of the day JJ spent in bed, more or less sleeping, numb because of several sleeping pills and painkillers. Although she had, not very convincingly though, told Reid that he really didn't have to stay and that Henry and her would come to terms on their own the genius had insisted on looking out for Henry so she could recover from her hangover. JJ really appreciated that.

The next day was Monday and the team went back to work. The whole week JJ talked neither to Hotch nor to the rest of the team, only to Garcia, since the BAU got called on a case and had to stay somewhere in Florida until Friday. Jack was out of town, too, Jessica had taken him to visit her and Hailey's parents. JJ knew she was coward but somehow this relieved her since it gave her time to think about everything concerning Jack and Hotch.

"Daddy!" A heart-breaking scream broke the silence of the night.

"Henry!", JJ gasped, starting from her restless sleep. With a look on the alarm clock she noticed it was in the middle of the night. Immediately she jumped out of her bed and ran down the corridor. Henry had nightmares almost every night. It was nothing new. But nonetheless JJ worried herself half to death each time she heard him scream like this. It was a scream full of pain, so incredibly terrified.

JJ stormed into Henry's nursery. "Henry! I'm coming!"

Henry sat upright in his bed, crying. "Daddy! Where are you?"

JJ sat next to Henry and hugged him tightly. "It's okay, Henry. It was just a bad dream."

But Henry pushed his mother rudely away. "No! Daddy! I want my Daddy! I want my Daddy!", he screamed sorrowfully.

JJ sighed deeply. As much as she missed Will, what hurt her most was to see Henry in so much pain. She wanted to make it all better, wished she could just kiss the pain away. "I know, Henry, I know.", JJ whispered into his ear. "I want him back, too. But he isn't here. I know you miss him. But it will be okay, I promise. One day it will be okay…"

But Henry wouldn't calm down. "No, no! Let go of me! I want my Daddy! I want my Daddy!", he continued to cry. JJ's heart broke. She wished so badly she could make his pain go away. But this wasn't a wound that could be healed with a colorful plaster and a simple lollipop. This was a wound only time could heal. And all she could do was to be there for him and suffer with him.

"Henry…", JJ whispered wearily and full of pain. "What can I do? I don't know! Daddy is not here! I wish he would but he isn't! Shall I call Penelope? Or Reid? Emily?" JJ hesitated. "Or Hotch?"

"Hotch!", Henry screamed desperately. "I want Hotch!"

Right now JJ would agree to everything if it would just make Henry feel better. "Okay, sweetie, okay.", JJ tried to sooth him. "I'll call him. Now. I promise, you can talk to him."

Hastily JJ went to get the telephone. Back at Henry's bed she dialed the familiar number. When after what seemed like an eternity to JJ Hotch finally answered the call, she shouted sadly: "Hotch!"

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. Anonymous.