Thank you guys that you still read my story. I finally found my inspiration again - so enjoy the next chapter!

Live with passion

Chapter 12

Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas

The sun shined through the kitchen window and bathed the room in gentle morning light. JJ stood at the stove, busily preparing pancakes for breakfast so they would be ready when Henry would wake up. JJ felt tired because of the sleepless night. Although Henry had quickly fallen asleep after he had talked to Hotch JJ still had sit at Henry's bed for a long time watching over him and thinking before she had been able to go to sleep as well. Every time she thought of Hotch and how sweet he had been with Henry her heart swelled with affection.

JJ hoped fervently she would be able to just spent a quiet day at home. But seemingly fate had other plans for her: Suddenly the peaceful silence was interrupted by the shrill sound of the telephone. JJ groaned listlessly.

Without looking who was calling she answered it sullenly: "Jareau."

"Agent Jareau, it's Section Chief Strauss.", an all too familiar voice greeted her as coldly as always.

JJ groaned inwardly. "Well, hello, Chief Strauss. How wonderful. To what do I owe the honor of this call?", she responded, not even bothering to hide the sarcasm in her voice.

"Agent Jareau, may I remember you which day we have today?", Strauss asked sternly.

"Wednesday?", JJ answered carelessly, not sure where this was leading and absolutely not in the mood to find out.

"No, Saturday, Agent Jareau, but I'm sure you knew that.", Strauss retorted sharply. "Listen, Agent Jareau, I know these aren't the best days for you and your family and you are free to stay on leave for as long as needed. But I ask one thing of you: please adhere to deadlines. You already missed the appointments with the psychiatrist two times. Not only does this not agree with our arrangement but also won't this help you in any way!"

JJ frowned, annoyed. "Chief Strauss, I really appreciate that you call to check on me but that's not necessary. I can and will decide on my own whether it is good for me to see a psychiatrist or not. So please, Chief Strauss, I would prefer to end this conversation now, I have to take care of my son!"

But Strauss didn't seem to give up so easily. "Agent Jareau, since you are one of my agents I am responsible for you and it is my duty to take care of your mental health. I know out of experience that each agent who goes through this kind of trauma needs help, whether he admits it or not.", Strauss explained rigorously.

"I understand, Chief Strauss.", JJ answered languidly. The best would be to just ride it out.

"No, you don't.", Strauss insisted strictly. "I am not going to risk losing a skilled agent, so as your superior I order you to go to these appointments. And to motivate you a little: only when your psychiatrist declares you fit for service you are allowed to return to the BAU."

"What?", JJ gasped.

"You heard correctly. Today, three o'clock. Dr. Riley Buckley. You can bring your son. You know where. Be there.", Strauss commanded. Then she replaced.

JJ frowned, irritated. What did Strauss think who she was? She couldn't make her do it! She was adult, she could take care of herself and really didn't need some silly couch doctor talking to her as if she was crazy!

Suddenly JJ realized something. She behaved like a stubborn little child! She should accept the support. Everybody just wanted to help her - even Strauss. She worked with profilers every day - and had that little trust in psychology? She may not feel like going to this Dr. Buckley but she had to do it. For her job and - more importantly - for her son.

JJ stared mutely at the phone in her hand and slid down at the wall behind her. Wearily she closed her eyes. In front of her inner eye she saw Will.

JJ felt so weak. So numb. She stared at the man who killed her husband. He lay on the ground, a small bloody wound on the forehead where her bullet had hit him. She heard a soft bang when the gun fell out of her hand and hit the ground.

"JJ.", a voice behind her said. "It's over. Come on, let's go, JJ."

"Is he dead?", JJ asked weakly. Her voice was hoarse.

"Yes, JJ, he is. I'm so sorry.", someone told her soothingly and wrapped an arm around her shoulder to lead her away from the dead men.

She had killed him. She had just killed a man. He deserved it, she knew that. "He deserved it. He deserved it.", she whispered to herself, again and again, like a mantra. But it didn't made her feel better. Will was dead. And nothing could ever bring him back. Henry would grow up without a father. She sobbed. "He is gone."

"JJ!", another familiar voice shouted. Someone ran towards her. JJ tilted her head to the ground. She didn't care about anyone.

She wanted Will, no one else.

Someone threw her arms around JJ but she didn't return the embrace. She was stiff. She couldn't move. She didn't feel anything.

"Emily, she is under shock. Give her time." The arms let go of her.

Strong arms led her away. Someone made her sit down. Scrutinizing fingers touched her. A flashlight shined into her eyes. JJ didn't move. Her eyes gazed into space.

"She's okay. Physically, at least."

Again someone gently grabbed her. "Can you tell us what happened?"

"She shot him."

"Guys. It was self-defense. Understood?"

"Of course."

"Garcia… No. Something happened… With JJ and Will… Yes. She's okay… But Will. He's dead… Come to the BAU and bring Henry with you… Yes. Bye."

JJ heard the words but she didn't understand them. They didn't make sense. Everything was a mess. But at the mention of her son's name her eyes shot open. "Henry!", she gasped.

"He's with Garcia. He's okay, don't worry."

The fog around JJ slowly disappeared. "Henry.", she breathed again. His name was her lifeline. The thought of him made her see clearer. In front of her stood someone… "Emily!", JJ whispered. Her friend's arms surrounded her again. This time JJ was thankful for it.

Afterwards JJ couldn't remember how she got to the BAU or how she made it into the conference room. All she knew was who waited for her in there. The pain in her chest seemed to lessen just a little bit when she felt her little man, healthy and alive, in her arms.

JJ opened her eyes and contorted her face with pain. The memories of this day always came back, not only in her dreams - but everyday, in the most unexpected moments. Suddenly JJ grabbed the chair next to her and with a loud desperate scream she threw it at the wall. "Will, I need you! Why can't you just come home?", she sobbed.

A moment she just stood there, completely still, immersed in her pain.

"Mommy?"

JJ looked up. Henry stood in the door and looked at her anxiously. He still wore his pyjamas with the blue cars on them and in his right hand he clutched the stuffed lion from the zoo. JJ hoped intently her son hadn't heard the chair crashing against the wall.

"Good morning, sweetheart!" JJ forced a smile. "Look, I made pancakes for you!" Inwardly she groaned: she had completely forgotten about the pancakes. Hectically she hurried to the stove. But too late, the pancake already was black as pitch. "Shit!", she hissed. But then she saw the concerned expression in Henry's face. Immediately she said smilingly: "But don't worry, I already made enough pancakes!"

Quickly she lifted Henry on his chair, placed a loving kiss on his tousled hair and then put a plate with a big pile of pancakes in front of him. Henry was still a little sleepy but immediately began to smile at the sight of his favorite meal.

When he didn't look JJ quickly put the upset chair back in place. A little black scratch at the wall would always remind her of her outburst.

Several hours later, Henry was playing in his room while JJ was cleaning the house, the doorbell suddenly rang.

"Who could that be?", JJ mumbled sullenly to herself. She opened the door.

"Hey, JJ!", a good-humouredly smiling Hotch greeted her.

"Hotch!", JJ said, surprised, but truly happy to see him. "Come in."

"Thank you.", Hotch answered while entering.

"Where's Jack?", JJ asked.

"At home with Jessica. I didn't want to bring him since I wanted to give you and Henry something special.", Hotch explained gently while regarding JJ intently.

JJ wasn't sure whether to be simply curious or also worried. "What is it that you want to give us?"

In this moment Henry saw Hotch. Immediately a happy smile appeared on his face and he threw himself at him. "Hi, Hotch!"

"Hey, Buddy!" Hotch greeted the little boy. "Henry, you know what? I have something for you."

"Really? Really? What is it?", Henry wanted to know and excitedly jumped up and down.

Hotch smiled at the lively boy and rummaged in his pocked until he found what he had searched for. When his hand reappeared and JJ saw what it was, she gasped.

"Look, Henry.", Hotch told the little boy. "This is your Daddy's badge. I'm sure he would want you to get it."

Henry was speechless and just stared at his father's badge in awe. Carefully he took it as if it was the most precious thing he had ever held in his hands. "What if I lose it?", he whispered reverently.

"You won't, Henry. Look?" At the badge was a slim chain that Hotch put around Henry's neck so that it was like a necklace.

"What do you say, Henry?", JJ reminded him.

"Thank you, Hotch!", Henry said sincerely but he was still so mesmerized by the badge that he couldn't avert his eyes from it. "Look, Mommy! I look like a real detective!", he told his mother proudly.

JJ smiled with sadness in her eyes. "You look just like your father."

"JJ, I was at the police department today and asked Will's boss if his family could have his badge. He thought it would be a good idea.", Hotch explained. "Don't worry, it's marked as invalid."

At the sight of her son who was completely in love with his gift JJ smiled brightly. "Oh, Hotch, how can I ever thank you? You just made my son really happy!" JJ couldn't help it. She went up to Hotch and hugged him tightly. Hotch gently rubbed her back.

Smilingly, he said: "I know a way for you to thank me."

"Anything.", JJ answered sincerely and looked at him.

"You and Henry could go for ice cream with Jack and me.", he suggested.

JJ nodded. "I would love to! Hey Henry, how does ice cream sound for you?"

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. Author Unknown