Jasper Bloodstone & Jan Saur in Eorzea
Chapter 6
It turned out only Dinah and Malachi weren't actual registered adventurers so they made a trip to the Adventurer's Guild and wrote down their names in the registry there. It was a momentous occasion at least to them. They were taking their first steps to a life they knew absolutely nothing about. As Momodi went over the usual guidelines she gave to first timers, Malachi became increasingly appreciative of Jan and Jasper's involvement. It all seemed nearly overwhelming. At least they were starting out small. They were told to introduce themselves to a local guild, attune oneself with the aetheryte inside the city, and talk to someone named Seseroga about the market. Introducing oneself to a guild seemed a bit pointless since they had already chosen which one they would pursue and knew their guildmasters quite well. The aetheryte part was an experience, however. For as long as Malachi had lived in Ul'dah, he had never paid much attention to the aetherytes in the city. He'd always thought how beautiful they looked, but never had he suspected that they could be used for teleportation. Dinah knew better. She'd seen people use it all the time. So for the majority of the first day as adventurers, they raced each other through the large city-state. There was no map as to where each aetheryte was or even how many there were so it was basically like an egg hunt.
They eventually met back up at the agreed upon spot on the steps outside of the Adventurer's Guild. Needless to say, Dinah was quite spent, but so was Malachi who was so direction challenged that he continually returned to the same spots he'd already visited before.
"You know, she did say we had to get acquainted with the city more," Malachi said through breaths.
"Yeah, but this is insane. I can't even imagine Jan doing this and certainly not Jasper," Dinah said gulping greedily at the air around her.
"Hey, everyone's young at some point in their lives."
Dinah giggled and then laughed despite not having much breath for such things. She had to wait a moment before she could say anything. "But Jasper was never young! How much you wanna bet when it came to the menial tasks, Jasper had Jan do it for him?"
"I wouldn't put it past him actually," Malachi agreed.
"C'mon, let's report back to Momodi."
"Be my guest."
Malachi paused as he watched her climb the steps. She was really quite sensual starting from the way she looked to the way she carried herself—even her walk was a turn on. He shook his head. She managed to fall in love with a man who probably couldn't see her the way he was able to. When she was almost to the top of the steps he ran after her and they entered the guild together. She was in a good mood so he was in turn.
Momodi was a cheerful woman and was quite delighted to see that they had fulfilled their tasks adequately enough.
"Now, it's getting late, boys and girls. Better that you come back here tomorrow when you're refreshed," Momodi told them after her longwinded explanation as to why attuning with aetherytes were essential for any adventurer and learning about the shops would help them later on down the road.
They took their leave presently feeling quite accomplished—they felt they had gained significant experience that day.
"Let's celebrate somewhere," Malachi said as they walked outside into the cooling air.
"Oh, I would, but I'm not a boundless ball of energy like you are. Think I just want to go back home to Jan and tell him how today went—I'm sure he's anxious to know."
"How anxious could he be? He didn't even come with you today."
"Malachi, that was rude," Dinah said with a frown. "I didn't expect him to come today—I told him not to. I know he's done all this stuff before so I didn't want to bore him to death with the minutia of things."
"Right, well, I guess I'll go home as well," Malachi said turning. "It's no fun celebrating on your own."
"Wait, Malachi, if you want, you can come back home with me—Jasper wouldn't mind. Or if he does he'll have to deal with my wrath. It's not like we don't have enough room."
Malachi stopped and looked at her thoughtfully, but then shook his head no.
"Your mother doesn't expect you home, you know. When she told you to go adventuring, she knew that eventuality. Besides, we're all going to be traveling together eventually. We should get to know each other better."
"Fine, if you insist," he said finally. "But it's not like I don't already know enough about you guys."
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"Meaning, I'm a pretty observing guy—you should be too."
Dinah shook her head and rolled her eyes. "I'm only as observing as I want to be. I've learned in life, sometimes you can just know too much. Better to enjoy things as long as you possibly can. Now c'mon, Malachi!"
Dinah was quite a joy to be around. Malachi tried but failed to remain in his bad mood, not when he could witness Dinah's genuine smile up close. It saddened him a bit that one day, she wouldn't be smiling anymore. When it came to hidden feelings, eventually they would come to light. He braced himself for that day.
When they came back to the house, Dinah gathered the two older men from whatever they were doing so that they might have an excuse to all be in the same room.
"I was hoping you two would regale us with stories about your early adventuring days," Dinah said sitting back on the couch.
Malachi glanced over at Dinah who sat very closely to Jan, but then turned his head from the scene as she leaned her head on his shoulder. That bastard…someone's going to find out even if I don't say anything. Instead, he sought solace in Jasper who sat on his own couch with crossed legs, sipping what smelled like grass tea. Jasper grinned at him when he saw him watching, but it was an unsettling kind of grin as if he had the upper hand in something.
"Jasper, why don't you start?" Jan asked the other.
"Well, weren't you guys together back then," Dinah asked.
Jan shook his head, "Not at all. At least for me, I did most things on my own."
"As did I," Jasper said.
"And you had to run around attuning yourself with the aetherytes too," Dinah said clearly amused at seeing Jasper doing such a thing.
"I didn't run per se," Jasper said slowly. "I took a map with me and meticulously searched every inch of Gridania, the old parts and the new parts, and marked each one I found. That way, if I used them for teleportation, I'd know where I was being teleported to. It did take me the better part of the day to do it. I admit, I did get sidetracked with the Conjurer's Guild. Didn't actually go back to report my progress until a few days later."
"That actually sounds…pretty sensible," Dinah said with a nod.
"I took a map as well," Jan began. "I remember not feeling like doing any of it and being constantly sidetracked by—well, I was constantly sidetracked."
"Oh, don't be shy, we all know you were quite the lady's man back then," Dinah said with a mischievous grin.
"I'd have to agree," Jasper said smiling.
"Alright, you caught me red handed."
"See, Jan, I can tell these things pretty easily."
"At least," Malachi said in low tones and received a playful shove from Dinah. "So how long did it take you, Jan?"
"Oh, about a week or so."
"A week? Jesus, man," Malachi said surprised.
"Don't tell me you guys weren't sidetracked as well. As soon as you even look like an adventurer, everyone always have something for you to do. I was picking up dropped money, running around trying to put up stupid posters, asking people what colors they liked—just any insanely pointless task you can think of. And who was I to say no? I tired myself out pretty easily that way."
Thinking better of what exactly Jan had been doing back then, he nodded. "Yeah, but Dinah and I weren't suckers. We got it all done today."
"Ay, that's really quite an achievement. I did get sidetracked pretty easily and perhaps I didn't have to do everything, but I felt really accomplished at the end of the day—I really felt like I was making a difference in someone else's life no matter how small that difference might be," Jan said.
"Isn't that the point of adventuring?" Jasper said. "We're the idiots who stick our necks out for anyone with the hope that perhaps we can make a difference."
"You guys!" Dinah said looking from Jan to Jasper, "You're making me feel pretty unaccomplished today. I was so focused on getting those aetherytes. I never stopped to think about anything or anyone else."
"Hey, this was just your first day," Jan said in coaxing tones, "There's always another day."
"Correction, there's usually another day," Jasper said darkly. But then he stood up. "Think I'll head off to bed for now. And Malachi," Jasper began turning to the youth. "Stay here if you like. There's plenty of well-furnished spare rooms."
Malachi nodded to him silently and watched the tall Elezen exit the living room. Eventually, Jan and Dinah left as well as they became increasingly entangled with one another. Malachi hated to admit it, but it did seem that Jan was genuinely interested in Dinah. Still, Jan struck him as a person who could put up a good act. Malachi hadn't so much as caught Jan's gaze that day. He was jealous, he realized. He wondered how in the world a man could attain such a beautiful woman. Jan made it look effortless, but Malachi knew from firsthand experience that women were flighty creatures, not one of them understanding the real meaning of being in a relationship. Perhaps Jasper shared his sentiment, but he couldn't stand being around the man, the one who had threatened to take away all the physical pain in his life.
Slightly put off by the situation, he slinked off to any random room he could find. He could at least look forward to the next day. Momodi seemed to be full of activities for them to do. It would be a nice distraction.
/
Dinah and Malachi were told to speak with Papashan at the Ul'dah Dispatch Yard. Malachi had jumped at the chance to leave the safety of the city walls. Dinah lamented the fact that they had to go so far just to meet the man.
"Dinah, you're always complaining about walking any long distance," Malachi said as they stepped out into the desert.
"That's because when I want to walk, you're jogging."
"Sorry, I get anxious sometimes, but I'll slow down for you."
"You won't think I'm annoying and wasting your time?"
"Ah, Dinah, we're in no rush, really. Let's take the scenic route. Better that you don't get tired out early on."
"Good," Dinah said with a nod. "Then let's take our time."
Malachi didn't mind this at all. It meant that he got to spend more time with Dinah. He was a bit nosy. He wanted to understand the relationship she had with Jan and he thought he'd start by knowing how Dinah ticked. She was only too glad to be showered with such attention and ate up all his questions. She was quite unabashed about herself and her life.
When they got to Papashan, Malachi was pretty disappointed at what they had to do, but Dinah was ever the charmer and left them in good graces with Papashan before his mouth ruined things. Dinah carried the Twilight Pretzels they'd have to deliver to the patrols to lift morale. She knew she was better suited to the task anyways. Along the way, they ran into plenty of unsavory creatures and practiced their fighting techniques on them. Seemed the desert really was a dangerous place, but nothing they couldn't handle. Malachi did get carried away a bit at the thought of the pain such creatures could potentially inflict on him. Had Dinah not dragged him away, he might still be there fighting the creatures.
"Geez, Malachi, what's your problem? You know we got to deliver these pretzels and it's already getting dark."
"Sorry," Malachi said with a bowed head, "I don't know what came over me."
Dinah shook her head. "Let's just focus on finding those patrols. And remember, no running."
They took heed to Papashan's directions as to where the patrols were and eventually, though they did get lost a few times and they did get entangled in a few random debacles with Qiqirin bandits, they got to them. There was one incident that stood out in Dinah's mind, Grishild the Ungood—at least that's what she told them her name was. If Dinah had her way, she would have avoided the woman altogether, but Malachi was itching for a fight and he went in head first.
"Malachi!" Dinah shouted as a warning.
But he hadn't been listening to her. He engaged in battle and there was little Dinah could do to stop him. It was clear as the battle wore on that her help was needed. Grishild seemed to have far more fortitude than Malachi who was already tiring out. He simply wasn't dealing enough damage and she was practically shrugging off all the hits he did manage to nab. Dinah only knew about two moves and she spammed the heck out of them. After she joined, others joined as well. She was especially grateful for the healer on hand for Malachi's sake. He might have been knocked out completely. Besides, Grishild seemed to be focused on Malachi even as Dinah dealt more and more damage along with a stray thaumaturge who let it rip on the fire blasts. Dinah thought they'd be there for hours fighting that crazy woman but eventually she backed off seeing as she was now outnumbered and on the verge of utter defeat. She might have had something to prove, but whatever it was she must have failed at it. Dinah thanked the healer for bringing Malachi back to full health, but afterwards he seemed to be in a sour mood for the rest of the day.
They delivered the pretzels and returned to Papashan who then told them it was probably too late to ask anything more of them and suggested they stay at the Black Brush Station nearby.
"Let's just go back to Ul'dah," Malachi said, "It's not that far away."
"But I'm so tired and we'd be walking in the dark. It's dangerous at night."
"Dinah, you knew about the dangers before we even came out here what's a bit more for free lodging?"
Dinah shook her head at him. "I'm staying here. You can go back alone if you want," she said stubbornly. Then she turned and began towards the station.
"Wait, Dinah," Malachi had to run to catch back up to her. "I don't want to leave you alone. If you really want to stay, then I'll do it with you."
Dinah looked at him, "Really? I'm not forcing you to do anything."
"No, it's fine. You're probably right."
Malachi walked with her now to the Black Brush Station. The big bright aetheryte in the distance was hard to miss. They used it as their compass.
"Malachi, why did you run into that fight with that woman? We could have completely avoided all the trouble."
"And miss all the experience? I mean, how do you really expect to perfect your technique if not against real enemies?"
"Well, when you put it that way…"
"In fact, if there is ever a fight, I always want to be involved—it's the best and fastest way to hone my skills. I mean, Jan didn't get as powerful as he is waiting for fights to come to him."
Dinah nodded with understanding. "Guess I'll always be the weakest link."
"No, that's not what I mean—I wasn't trying to—
"No, no, I understand what you're saying. It's just…the only way hitting someone feels right is if there's no other alternative left."
"I think that's a perfectly good philosophy to live by."
Dinah turned and smiled at him.
"Has anyone ever told you how beautiful your smile is?"
"Oh, stop, Malachi," she said laughing.
"I'm being serious."
"Well," she said thoughtfully, "I do enjoy the occasional compliment."
"Occasional?" Malachi said clearly surprised. "One look at you and anyone would want to compliment you."
"Now, Malachi—
"I'm being serious."
"I can see that."
"Then stop deflecting. When I say something it's because I really mean it."
"Alright, Mr. Mean-it-when-I-say-it, anything else you want to say?"
They had made it to the Black Brush Station and stood just inside the gate. Malachi turned to her fully then with eyes that were suddenly piercing. "From the moment I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on. I admit that I'm glad to have the honor of traveling with you for these couple days."
She smiled lightly at the youth. "With lines like that, you'll have the ladies swooning," she said as she touched his chin. She moved in a little closer as if to kiss him. "It's too bad I'm already spoken for," she said pulling back and dashing his hopes for a kiss. Then she laughed. "You silly boy. Go find us a room before you put your foot in your mouth."
"You're spoken for alright," he said sourly. He had to forcefully stop himself from blurting out what he knew to be true about Jan. If only she knew, she'd dump that man in a second Malachi was sure.
"You know I hate it when you constantly ruin your handsome face with your sour looks," she said shaking her head. "I'm flattered, really I am, but you know who I'm dating—the fact that you even considered doing anything with me is quite disappointing, but I'll forgive you. There's plenty of pretty girls out there—you just have to look. Now stop standing around and get that room."
Malachi's expression hadn't changed, but he turned to the nearby inn to look for a room. He was only all too glad to escape her presence. He was quite embarrassed. But then, he often spoke before he thought about what he was really saying. He needed to say it though. He couldn't imagine continuing on with her without her knowing how he felt about her even if she was dating someone else, even if he knew he would be rejected. He only wished Jan would be as open with his feelings.
/
Jasper had gone to bed early that day worrying how Dinah and Malachi were faring. He knew Malachi must have been over excited to learn that Jasper would not be accompanying him. Much as Jasper wanted to get on his last set of nerves, he didn't feel like doing the busy work of an adventurer besides, he'd already done it once in his life—he didn't plan on repeating it. He thought of Sarah and how invigorated she'd become after their sex. He'd do her again if he could find an excuse to, but he did have rules one of them being to never fuck the same woman twice. She was quite convenient though, and she wasn't particularly needy in the relationship department. She'd been there done that and probably didn't have the patience to do something so strenuous as a relationship over again. He bet she'd enjoy the friends with benefits arrangement, but Jasper had never once attempted this because there was far too much potential for things to go wrong. He knew his own feelings and whether he wanted to or not he would become emotionally attached to someone especially where sex was concerned. He was thinking of her wellbeing right now, in fact and he wanted to stay in her orbit to make sure that she was always alright and in good health. Friends with benefits wouldn't work, but the thought of sex at the moment felt incredibly enticing, but he had no convenient victim as of late.
That evening when he fell asleep, the same strange images came to him again and they remained undecipherable, but they were disturbing enough to wake him up prematurely. When he closed his eyes, he realized he couldn't sleep so he simply climbed out of bed again to see what Jan was up to. There was a chance that he might still be up.
He found Jan in the living room with a glass of what looked to be liquor in his hand. "Celebrating? What's the occasion?" But the other didn't respond as he downed the glass pretty quickly and then Jasper began to notice empty bottles on the floor. "Geez, did you raid all my cabinets? How much have you had?" Jasper tried to make good eye contact with the other, but he seemed to have trouble focusing on anything.
"Jasper?" he said finally, but Jasper heard the distinct slur in his voice.
"Are you alright?" Jasper asked stepping closer. "What's wrong? Why in the world are you—
"Jasper?" he asked again as if on repeat.
"Yes, I'm here," Jasper said moving in close enough to smell the alcohol on his breath. He bent down on his knees since the other was sitting down on the couch. He grew more and more concerned with Jan's health at the moment. His eyes traveled to the empty bottles and he began to silently count them—he was already up to twelve.
"Jasper…there's something I need to tell you…"
"Yeah, anything—you can tell me anything." The other was leaning forward now and Jasper had to press his hands against his shoulders to keep him up.
"I love you."
"What?" Jasper asked.
"I love you."
"Yeah, I love you too. Look, you need rest. You've drank far beyond your limit—
"No…I love, love you."
"What are you—
He stopped as Jan pulled him in closer and attempted to kiss him on the mouth. Jasper understood right then and there what he meant, but Jasper evaded the other's attempts quite easily.
"Jasper…what's wrong with me…what's…wrong with me…?"
"Jan…" Jasper was speechless for only a passing second, but his mind was already on the more pressing matter of Jan's deteriorating health.
He suddenly passed out and Jasper took hold of him immediately.
"What are you trying to do, kill yourself?" Jasper said in raised tones. He knew no one would hear so he was less concerned about the volume of his voice "Did you even look at the alcohol content before consumption? I only buy 100 proof or higher—Geez!"
Jasper's room was much closer so he dumped his unconscious friend on his bed and then began to heal him slowly, but there was little he could do for drunkenness. It was one of the few poisons that could only be healed with time.
"I hope you don't plan on making this a habit," he said pacing now back and forth in his room. "If there was something you wanted to say, then you should've just said it. Damn, I should've just forced you to do it before when you said you were hiding something from me."
But it was at that moment when it suddenly donned on him what it was Jan had hidden from him and he stopped pacing abruptly as his mind finally interpreted Jan's words. And then he felt embarrassed to be in the same room as Jan so he left it immediately, but he couldn't stay out for long on account of his constant worrying. He couldn't simply leave just because he was embarrassed or even slightly disgusted. He began to understand why Jan had not wanted to disclose such information to him, but it was disturbing. He wondered if their entire friendship was based upon a lie. The presents he had been given over the years suddenly had a different meaning. What kind of dirty thoughts must he have been having whenever he happened to undress in front of him? And that time with the erection when he was acting weird—had that been for him and not Dinah?
He wanted to leave, but he stayed and watched the other intently. He could very well die right then and there—there was simply too much poison circulating in his system. And then a thought far more depressing than he'd ever had before came over him. Perhaps that had been his intention. Perhaps he had wanted to die whether it be a conscious or subconscious decision. Then Jasper began pacing once again. What if he'd lost the will to live and he'd been the reason for it? He'd been too afraid to let him know—too afraid because he knew his reaction. He'd been willing to live in complete denial and it was all because of that fear. And it wasn't as if he'd been wrong. That was also depressing. He didn't want to be responsible for trapping someone in a corner. He didn't want to be responsible for someone else's death. It was his worst nightmare.
"Jan, I don't want you to die on my account," he said aloud. "Please—not for me."
He took a seat after nearly an hour of pacing and his eyes stared at the blinds to his window. He found he didn't have the energy to open them to look at a better image. His mind simply grew blank feeling more and more guilty for Jan's predicament. One couldn't control their emotions, Jasper knew that first hand. He resented the fact that he had made someone feel as if such things didn't matter, that anything else was better than admitting one's emotions. What kind of horrible person could do that to another? And that was his darkest nightmare. His eyes began to sting with tears and it took a while for them to actually come, his water ducts probably dry from disuse. They were hot and burning as they trailed down his face. He felt no need to wipe them; he simply let them come.
His only hope was that Jan didn't die and that if he didn't, he wouldn't then be resentful for living and not dying.
/
Jasper had fallen asleep watching the other. He'd forgotten how uncomfortable it was to sleep while in a sitting position—his neck ached for using his desk as a pillow. He turned to Jan and found that his position had changed. He'd somehow found his way under the comforters and covered himself completely with them.
"Jan?" Jasper asked and then he tapped what looked to be one of his shoulders.
There was movement under the covers and then a growling voice that said something that Jasper couldn't hear correctly.
"What did you say?" Jasper asked.
" .Alone."
"You know this is my room," Jasper informed the other.
"I have…no fucking idea where I am…"
"Do you remember what happened last night?"
"Whaz with the fucking 21 questions?"
"Then I suppose not. I don't suppose you know what you said to me."
"I told you…to turn off those damn lights."
"Huh?"
"Go away already…"
"Sorry, I can't. I won't leave you to yourself until I know you're better."
"And you were supposed to…"
"Supposed to what?" But then it occurred to Jasper that Jan might not have been comprehending him at all the entire time especially when he heard his snores again.
With a sigh, Jasper sat back down. It was a start. Then he actually did exit the room but only to bring back a glass of water. Jasper expected the other to be pretty dehydrated. Jasper began pacing again and then sitting at his desk when his legs grew worn out. Jasper opened the blinds to let the light in—it wasn't something he did often. Hours passed before Jasper heard movement once again. He tried to peel back the covers to get a good look at him, but found that Jan didn't want that to happen as he had a firm grasp on it.
"What's the problem, Jan, I just want to look at you."
"…It's too damn bright…"
Jasper couldn't be sure if he was being answered or if the other was still in his own little world. "It's not," Jasper said back.
"It is."
"Do you know who I am?"
Jan didn't respond for so long that Jasper was afraid that he was once again not all there. "Is that a serious question?" Jan finally asked.
And then Jasper was overcome with joy and just as the other was trying to sit up, he grabbed Jan in an enthusiastic hug. "So you're not going to die."
But Jan was already trying to pull away from all the sudden activity and covering up his eyes from all the light. Jasper released him eventually when he realized the other wasn't quite so into it.
"Jan, what in the world did you think you were doing last night?"
"I don't know…I don't remember…" he grabbed the comforters once again and covered himself in it. "Shit…"
"Nothing at all? No memory of going into my liquor cabinets?"
"Sounds like…no it feels like I did something really stupid…"
"Good deductive reasoning," Jasper said sharply.
"You wouldn't happen to have…some water."
"I might. But I have to take those covers off."
"Shit, man, it's too fucking bright!"
"Do you want some?"
When Jan didn't respond, Jasper walked over and yanked off the covers much to Jan's dismay who shrank away from the light and ducked his head under his arms.
"Here, drink up," Jasper said waiting for the other to look up which he eventually did with squinty eyes.
Not trusting Jan's hands, Jasper held the cup to his lips and slowly poured it. Then when he couldn't take anymore, Jasper retracted the cup. As soon as he did, Jan was back under the covers. Jasper could tell the other must have been in a lot of pain as he heard the string of curses under his breath.
"How are you feeling?" Jasper asked.
"Like hell."
"How about I close the blinds and then you won't have to suffocate yourself under the covers."
"Fine…"
Jasper quickly turned down the blinds and Jan reluctantly took off the covers. He laid back down as he held his head gingerly with tightly closed eyes.
"I just need to know something…You weren't trying to kill yourself last night, were you?" Jasper asked.
"I wouldn't know…I can't really…" But he left it at this.
"You would never try to kill yourself, would you?"
But Jasper was met with more silence.
"Jan, I'm talking to you."
"…I noticed."
"You told me something last night, something I think you've been hiding from me for a long time. The fact that…well, the fact that you…love me." Jasper was met with a deafening silence. "Jan, I know you heard me."
Jasper walked over and felt his forehead and it was quite warm and closer evaluation found that he must have passed out again.
"Convenient," Jasper said as he sat back down again. But he did feel a bit guilty wanting to have a full on conversation with someone who was clearly dealing with an intense hangover.
He'd have to get Jan to eat something before long so he went to the kitchen and heated up some leftover lentil soup—it was perhaps Jan's least favorite food in the entirety of the world, but Jasper didn't care. It was something to eat and he wasn't exactly feeling charitable. Jasper found that he was becoming increasingly annoyed with Jan for making him feel so guilty about himself. He poured a small amount in a bowl and took it back to his room. He could care less that by the time Jan was awake again, the soup was less than lukewarm.
"You need to eat," Jasper said upon his waking.
Jan took a moment to actually sit up and Jasper could tell that the light still bothered him. Jasper spoon-fed the other when he felt Jan was ready for it and he grimaced at the taste of it. Despite this, Jasper forced the other to take two more spoonfuls but it was impossible to get him to do anymore.
"What the hell…?" Jan asked after he refused anymore.
"Only your most favorite soup."
Jan gave the other an annoyed expression. He must have figured out what it was.
"Now, how do you feel?" Jasper asked.
Jasper's bed happened to be set against the wall so Jan moved back so that he could lean against it before he spoke. "Oh, I feel wonderful."
"This isn't a laughing matter, Jan. You could have died last night."
"Well…it wouldn't matter since you can just bring me back to life."
"That's not the point. I'd rather not have to resort to such extreme measures. Would you mind telling me what you were trying to prove?"
Jasper waited for the other to respond, but Jan said nothing back. He only looked at him with the oddest expression on his face. Jasper didn't recognize it at all.
"Well, were you trying to kill yourself?"
"No," he said finally. "You don't have to feel guilty for anything that I did last night."
"So you do remember."
Jan was silent once again and Jasper realized that he was not used to this.
"Or you don't?" Jasper asked confused. He couldn't read the other's expression.
"I think I'll just…go to my room now," Jan said climbing out of the other's bed.
"What are you, ignoring me? You can't just—
But he stopped when he saw the other rush out of his room. Startled, Jasper attempted to follow him, but saw him enter the bathroom. He didn't have to come any closer to know that the other was vomiting and he stayed there for a while doing this. He was unsteady on his feet as he exited the bathroom and he had to use the wall for support, but then he went back into the bathroom and continued to barf until he had no more energy for it. Concerned when everything became quiet, Jasper went to check on Jan. He'd fallen asleep against the nearby bathtub. For a split second, Jasper thought about removing him from the bathroom, but thought better of it just in case he'd have need for a toilet again. Sensing that there was nothing more Jasper could do for him, he finally left Jan to himself. There was no way he could have a proper conversation with Jan in that condition and so he let the matter rest.
A couple hours passed before Jan woke up again and was woken by the pain in his stomach. It was the kind of pain that was worse than cramps and far worse than any punch to the guts. He hadn't eaten anything but he felt like vomiting. He found he was still in the bathroom so he bowed his head over the toilet once again, but nothing would come so he leaned back against the wall. He bent over as he was still subject to the nauseating pain. At the very least, he could think a littler clearer as his headache was finally subsiding, but at the same time he ached all over as if he'd just finished a particularly strenuous training session at the guild. He had no desire to move from the bathroom. When he felt like vomiting again, he moved to the toilet, but nothing came out. Perhaps he simply had nothing more to throw back up yet he still gagged as if he did. His heart was racing as if he was severely panicked about something and when he thought about what he had said last night, he probably had good reason to panic. In reality, were it not for his hangover, he'd feel relieved. He wasn't hiding anything anymore. Jasper knew everything now. Then he started gagging again much to his annoyance and, of course, nothing came up. He took a deep breath as he tried to calm his racing heart, but it did little to change his condition. He simply concentrated on the pain in the pit of his stomach since it bothered him the most. His mind was empty at the moment. Thinking seemed like a nuisance. He only wished that the nausea would pass and that Dinah wouldn't have to know what transpired last night. But that would be another secret. He didn't need any more of those. Dinah didn't deserve anymore of those. The thought of her depressed him beyond reason. He risked her breaking up with him and he just didn't want that to happen. But what could he do?
"You need to eat."
Jan looked up to the sound of Jasper's voice. That's all he had heard drifting in and out of lucidity. Always there with a question and he would become befuddled whenever he tried to think of how to answer.
"I don't want to. I'll just vomit it all back up again. Besides, I hate lentil soup."
"I know."
"Then—nevermind."
"It seems you're doing better."
"I suppose." His arm still pressed against his stomach firmly.
"Then I can finally say this: Don't you ever do something like this to yourself again or else I'll kill you myself."
Jan managed to grin at the other. "I doubt you'd be able to kill me yourself, but I get your point."
"You were saying last night?" Jasper asked.
"Yes, I was saying. I said it."
"And are there any other deep dark secrets you'd like to tell me?"
"Haven't you ever wondered what it was you were doing when you were possessed by Emily's mother?"
"No," Jasper said shaking his head. "I don't think I want to."
"We kissed on multiple occasions and you initiated it."
Jasper was taken aback by this and made completely speechless. "I did?"
"Yes."
"So it's my fault that you—
And then Jan shook his head. "No. I've always…from the time I introduced myself to you."
"For the last time, Jan, I'm not a girl nor do I want to be."
"I think I figured that out long ago," Jan said sardonically. "But the thought was planted and I got to know you better. And then I began to wonder…," he said unable to finish. "Shit. I never wanted to feel like that towards you. Now that I've said it, it just seems so ridiculous now."
"Funny how things work out. Here." Jasper said as he stepped in and held out his hand to the other to help him up.
Jan took it and with great care climbed back to his feet.
"Secrecy can often be alluring and make things seem far more desirable."
"It does seem that way," Jan agreed.
"But there's only one way to find out where your true feelings lie."
"How?"
Jasper stepped closer to Jan until they were only a few millimeters apart. "Kiss me."
"But…I've just barfed up all your lentil soup and there's the morning breath."
"I don't care. Kiss me before I change my mind."
And then Jan went for it, but it wasn't how he imagined it would be. There was no magic there, no emotions and Jasper, of course, didn't react to anything he did. It just felt completely wrong and unfulfilling. Last time had been different somehow. Jasper was Jasper and now it was simply him kissing another man deciphering if there really was something there.
"Nothing?" Jasper asked when the other was finished.
"Nothing."
And Jasper grabbed the other's cock hard and fast to check for himself if anything had risen. Satisfied he finally stepped away from Jan.
"What the hell?" Jan exclaimed, "What is up with you and Dinah grabbing my balls like it's completely normal."
"You know I never do things like that, but the circumstances were pretty unique, don't you think? As for Dinah," he said turning away from the other, "Why don't you stop torturing yourself and fuck her already. Maybe she wouldn't have to grab your balls all the time and perhaps you wouldn't be so confused."
"Maybe I will."
"Since we're being so personal now, I probably couldn't go a year without sex before wanting to fuck anything that moved."
"You addict."
"Maybe I am."
"You made out with Malachi's mom for crying out loud and she's ancient."
Jasper shrugged, "She was vital enough."
"I'm surprised you haven't made any moves on Dinah."
"She's off limits. I'd never do that to you."
"At least you're an honorable addict."
"That's rich coming from an exploratory bisexual."
"And since we're throwing out labels, Malachi the masochist."
"And Dinah the…hmm…"
"Nymphomaniac."
"Did you just come up with that word?"
"Nope, it's a real word."
"You're pretty lucky, you know that?" Jasper said.
They'd finally exited the bathroom and Jan followed the other to the kitchen where Jasper then began to warm up the infamous lentil soup.
"How so?"
"If you're going to settle down with anyone let it be with someone crazy about you."
"Jasper, you're not going to tell her…what happened, are you?"
"Only if you don't want me to. But then I think it'd be a bad idea to mention anything to her. It's unnecessary."
"I can trust you easily, but…Malachi also knows."
Jasper frowned at the other. "Seriously? You told that crazy child? Do you even know what it means to be masochistic?"
"Yeah, I get the gist."
Jasper began stirring the soup. "He's not only a danger to himself but to those around him as well. I'd say he shows great restraint now, but it won't always be like that if he doesn't work on it. One of his pastimes is pissing people off and he already knows the perfect way to do that to you. He already knows how to get on my last set of nerves as well and I'm pretty sure he could easily get under Dinah's skin if he wanted to. My point being, there's a reason he doesn't have friends and it's not because he likes being alone—it's because he likes the emotional pain of loneliness."
"When you put it like that…I guess he was the worst person to say anything to."
"I hope you've learned your lesson. You can tell me anything—anything at all even if I might not like what you have to say."
"I have learned my lesson."
"I suppose on the flipside, at least we have a crazy tank on hand—those kind of people are hard to find."
"So are you," Jan said thoughtfully. "But I'm just any old person who knows how to throw a few punches."
"You're not any old person. I don't know if you noticed, but I don't get along with very many people. The fact that you haven't run away from me screaming in horror counts for something."
Jan grinned at this. "You know I may just be starving enough to scarf down that disgusting soup of yours."
"That's good to hear. It's rich in all the nutrients you'd need to recover from a hangover."
"Next you'll be serving me that grass tea."
"I wouldn't do that to you. Besides, orange juice isn't such a bad choice in this situation."
Jasper was already taking two bowls from the cabinets and filling them with the strange concoction that is lentil soup—one bowl had a great deal more in it than the other and that one was for Jasper himself. When it came to lentil, Jasper sometimes overindulged in it thus the oddly large pot he had made the soup in even though no one else in the house even liked it. Jan grabbed a glass of orange juice and joined his friend out in the dining room table.
"I wonder how Dinah and Malachi are faring out there," Jan said after swallowing a dreadful spoonful of soup.
"I like to hope for the best. They seem capable enough."
"I mean, they're only tactic working together would be to completely overwhelm any enemy they face."
"But you forget they don't live in a vacuum. There could very well be others that might help them."
"Perhaps those others should be us."
"Perhaps, but they haven't really asked for our help so we'll just have to trust their judgment."
Instead of slowly eating and tasting every single excruciating bite of the soup, Jan decided he'd down it really quickly and wash away any lingering taste with orange juice which is what he wind up doing much to Jasper's amusement.
"I think I'll return to my room," Jan said when he was finished.
"Can you make it there without tripping over yourself?"
"Very funny. I'll be fine."
"And will you keep all your food down?"
"I'll do my best."
Just then, Jan heard as the front door opened—it was obvious that Dinah had used her key to get in so he made his way there along with Jasper to welcome them back. But as soon as they got to the front of the house, it wasn't what they expected. Jan, from the moment he saw the expression on Malachi's face sensed that something was amiss. He didn't, however, predict his rapid approach and the concurrent sharp jab to the guts.
"Malachi!" Dinah said in surprise, "You didn't have to—
Everything happened at once. Before Dinah could even finish her sentence, Jan was emptying all his contents on to Malachi. The youth was so shocked that he could do little more than stand there and let the regurgitated food slide down his clothes. But it was he who broke the shocked silence first.
"What the hell, Jan?!" Malachi shouted in genuine disgust.
"I'm so sorry, man—I just—
"Where's the nearest shower?" Malachi said cutting across the other.
"Past the living room, down the hall and your first left," Jasper said without skipping a beat.
Malachi was too disgusted to even begin to say what was on his mind and rushed from the room with never another word. Jan turned and watched him go completely and utterly embarrassed. There was silence for a few passing seconds before Jasper snickered unable to hide his amusement, but then Dinah started laughing as well and then they were both laughing outright. Jan could only grin at their amusement—he still felt bad about the entire thing and besides, his stomach felt not only caved in but twisted around itself. He thought he might find someplace to sit before collapsing from the debilitating pain.
"Ah…yeah, I think I'll take a seat somewhere," Jan said
Living room being the closest place, he made his way there and the other two followed in suit. He rested his head on the armrest and stared almost absently at the spinning world around him. If there was anything to feel good about it was that Malachi had an excellent right jab…
The two was still laughing as they sat down. Dinah sat next to Jan and Jasper as usual took his own couch. He felt her hand rubbing his back.
"I'm glad you two can laugh at someone else's misery," Jan said.
"Oh, come," Jasper began, "That was his just desert. Punching someone is no way to greet another after being away so long."
"He was just being rude as usual," Dinah finally said, "But he had reason to." She suddenly stopped rubbing the other's back. "I guess I'll just start by asking: what in the world happened to you while we were gone?" Dinah said with clear concern in her tone.
"Well, he's working through an impressive hangover," Jasper said when he noticed Jan's dizziness at the moment.
"A hangover. Jan, that's very unlike you. You said you were a social drinker," Dinah said speaking to Jan.
"Something came up and besides, it all happened here," Jasper said attempting to answer Dinah who only glanced at him.
"Jan? I'm talking to you—do you need your boyfriend to answer everything for you?"
That got a rise out of Jan even if he was slightly out of it. "He's not my boyfriend," Jan said immediately. "And to answer your question…Well, I was feeling overwhelmed…depressed…about the thought of losing you…"
"Oh why don't we just cut to the chase? Why in the world would you even begin to think that way unless you knew you were doing something wrong? Malachi told me—you're harboring feelings towards Jasper of all people. Is that true?" Dinah demanded.
"Was true."
"Oh and that's supposed to make it any better? You were lying to me for weeks, Jan. I mean, who knows how long?" Then Dinah turned to Jasper. "And you don't seem very surprised at all by this."
"I only found out yesterday in his drunken stupor."
"And?" Dinah asked.
"And what?"
"And do you like him?"
"Only as a friend, Dinah. It has always been that way for me."
"I see. Jan—
"I'm sorry," Jan said dejectedly. "I'm sorry for everything. I didn't mean to hurt you."
Then she went back to rubbing his back. "Is this all part of your diabolical plan to make me feel sorry for you instead of mad at the fact that you've been emotionally cheating on me from the very beginning?"
"Dinah…"
"No, I don't really want to hear anything more from you. Right now, I don't want you anywhere near me." She stood up then. "And don't bother coming to the room—I think it better you stay on the couch." Then she promptly left.
"You couldn't make it up there if you tried," Jasper said thoughtfully.
"…Doesn't matter…" Jan responded sluggishly. If he wanted to say something else, he couldn't as he fell asleep in mid-thought.
"Look at this way," Jasper said knowing he was only speaking to himself, "At least she hasn't broken up with you."
/
Malachi, Jasper, and Dinah sat down together for breakfast the next day. Jasper had gotten up a little earlier than usual to make a large breakfast in light of their long travels
"Where's Jan?" Malachi asked as they began on their food.
"Still recovering I'm afraid," Jasper said as he took a scoop of what looked to be just hot water.
Dinah's eyes seemed to be glued to her plate as they spoke of him.
"But what about you guys? I'd love to hear how your travels have gone," Jasper said lightening the mood.
"Long and arduous," Dinah said finally speaking up. "We even made a little money on the side."
"Ah, yes, able-bodied adventurers are never short of work," Jasper responded.
"Tell him about Queen Lilira," Dinah said to Malachi.
"Oh yeah," Malachi began, "Apparently she went to the Sultantree by herself without any escorts and no one knew where she was. It was just our luck that we came upon her at that tree. Just when we got there, these voidsent came out of nowhere and Dinah and I along with some weird white haired guy had to fight them."
"Weird white haired guy?" Dinah repeated, "He was quite handsome, I might add, and if it wasn't for him, we may not have made it back here in one piece."
"Alright, so he helped us a little. In the end, we saved that girl woman and we got paid very lavishly for our efforts since she happened to be of royalty. Bought us some better armor—
"Wait a minute, aren't you missing the part about the crystal you found?"
"I don't want to talk about the crystal."
"But I was so worried when you collapsed after picking it up."
"It's over now," Malachi said.
"You collapsed from picking up a crystal?" Jasper asked intrigued. "What kind of crystal, child?"
"I'm not a child," Malachi said stubbornly, but he did take the crystal out of his pocket and held it out with his hand.
Jasper peered at it closely. "May I hold it?"
"No," Malachi said closing his hand around it.
Jasper gave him an annoyed looked as he watched the other put said stone away. "I would be worried about objects that can alter your consciousness at will."
"Of course you'd be worried—that's all you're good for, isn't it?"
"Malachi, he was just concerned for you. Can't anyone be a little worried about your welfare without you turning into a complete dick?" Dinah said.
Malachi glared at her, but then turned his eyes back to his plate. "Sorry."
"Now that's what I like to hear," Dinah said with a smile.
"Sounds like you two have luck on your side, I'm glad."
"It's not just luck—it's skill," Malachi declared, "And Dinah has gotten a lot more proficient in fighting."
"Thank you," she said.
"That's nice. Just don't get carried away," Jasper said.
"Listen to this man, always doubting us at every turn," Malachi replied.
"Should I encourage you two to take more chances? That wouldn't be in my nature. I think it's time that Jan and I accompany you, next time you two go out."
"I won't let that man accompany me anywhere," Dinah said darkly. "If you want to come that's fine."
Jasper set his spoon down and looked at Dinah directly, "I find it hard to believe that it doesn't hurt you to spend so much time away from Jan. Now obviously you two have much to discuss. Don't let anger be your only guide."
"I've already told him all that I wanted," Dinah declared.
"Have you?" Jasper asked. "Was that really how you wanted to leave things?"
Malachi grinned, "Listen to you—always trying to protect your boyfriend's feelings."
"I'm only doing what any friend would do for another, but I wouldn't expect you to know such things, Malachi. You're expert in getting rid of those who care for you, but you're less than a novice when it comes to keeping them."
Malachi frowned at the other but said nothing more.
"I just need some time…and space," Dinah said. "You think it's okay what he's done? You don't think he deserves punishment? Do you think he even deserves me?" Dinah said to Jasper with challenging eyes.
"Jan can punish himself just fine on his own without you having to lift a finger," Jasper said nearly snapping back at her. "And, no, it's not okay what he's done, but if you entered a relationship without expecting there to be bumps along the road, then you're far more naïve than you make yourself out to be."
"I'm naïve? Are those the words you choose to describe me?"
"You wanted my thoughts on the matter."
"You know what?" Dinah said standing. "You two are perfect for each other. You'll forgive him anything, wouldn't you? Even the fact that your friendship with him has been a lie. And he'll put up with your insufferable attitude, the one where you think you're better than everyone else." Dinah hadn't even finished with her food, but she was done eating. "I'm going out. I need some fresh air."
Dinah left and Jasper did not follow. Malachi continued on his food—he might have left after her had he not been so famished.
"Why don't you go ahead and say it," Malachi said as the silence between them became more and more uncomfortable. "You hate me."
"You'd like that, wouldn't you? I don't hate you. I think it's a good thing this has finally come out. Jan has always been terrible with secrets and it was eating him up inside. Though it doesn't seem like it now. You may have done more good than harm."
Malachi was caught off guard by this and his ears became red with sudden bashfulness. "Really?"
"But I'm sure it was all unintentional on your part, wasn't it?"
Then Malachi stabbed a fork at the last sausage on his plate. "Maybe."
"As soon as Jan told me he disclosed this kind of information to you, I knew this would happen sooner or later. Must you always push people away, Malachi?"
"This coming from a guy who hardly has any friends to speak of?"
"Unlike you, it isn't intentional. I try to be as accommodating as I can, but people tend to steer clear of me."
"Maybe if you didn't act so uppity all the time."
"Uppity?"
"High and mighty?"
Jasper gave the other a confused expression.
"Weren't you listening to Dinah just then—like you're better than everyone."
"But I don't think that so the notion that I act like that is invalid. I'm not an actor, Malachi. If I don't believe I'm better than anyone else, then I certainly don't go out of my way to act like that."
"See what I mean? You have an explanation for everything."
"How did we suddenly start talking about me? It's you we should be concerned with. At some point while you were enjoying yourself, having a good time with Dinah, you decided it'd be the perfect time to upset her and ruin a budding relationship."
"I wasn't try to upset her per se. I was trying to get her to see the error of her ways."
"Error?"
"For liking Jan. She's too good for him."
"And you're suddenly the end all judge about who's too good for who? What gives you the right to decide who someone should like? Speaking of acting like you know everything—
"Oh don't start with that. Would you allow Dinah to keep living in a lie if you knew the truth?"
"I would have made the decision not to get between someone else's relationship. She shouldn't have to hear the truth from you—she should hear it from the one who is responsible. It was not your place to say anything. Jan trusted you with a secret and you broke that trust. The best thing you could have done was try to convince Jan to reconsider."
"I did on plenty of occasions, but he was too hardheaded to listen."
"Oh, but he would have broken his vow of silence—just apply a little pressure. I guarantee you, Jan would have told her everything at some point and probably soon."
"I don't know him that well. I had to do what was right."
"You weren't trying to do what was right—we both know that. Do you like watching others in pain?"
Malachi glared at the other. "No it wasn't like that."
"Then why, Malachi? Why did you have to open your big mouth?"
"Because…Because I like her, okay."
"Wait, like, like her?"
"Yes. And I thought: why should she be with a guy who can't really appreciate her like I do?"
"And why did you assume that you can appreciate her better than Jan?"
"Because I'm not gay like he is."
"I can't believe you just said that," Jasper said shocked.
"Well it's true. The sooner Dinah realizes this, the sooner—
"The sooner what? She'd go for some kid who's too young to even buy her a good drink? You've made a lot of assumptions, Malachi. I suggest you become more diligent in your fact-finding before you start spouting out nonsense." Jasper put the bowl he was eating out of to his lips and drank the rest of its contents.
"Sometimes you just have to follow your gut intuition."
"You're too young to have developed such a thing. You still can't see the forest through the trees," Jasper stood up as well and left the kitchen.
Malachi was left alone and he finished the rest of his breakfast in silent thought. Then he went to go look for Jan. He found him soon enough in the living room still utterly asleep. Malachi was unconcerned with this. He shook the other to wakefulness without mercy. He appeared groggy, but lucid enough so Malachi took a seat on the couch in front of the other.
"What time is it?" Jan complained to the other.
"Late enough for any sane person to have woken up already," Malachi said sharply.
Jan sighed heavily, "What do you want, kid?"
"I just want you to know that I had no choice, you pushed my hand."
"In what way?" Jan asked confused. "I didn't force you to say anything."
"You did, by your stubborn silence."
"That was my choice to make."
"It was a terrible one."
"No, my mistake was letting you know anything in the first place."
"Maybe not. Dinah can finally be free from you. You can stop filling her head with lies."
Jan looked away when he said this.
"I just want you to know that Dinah will leave you. What you did was unforgivable," Malachi said confidently.
"I know," he muttered.
"What was that? I couldn't hear you."
"I said: I know," Jan said louder. And then he laid his head back on the armrest. "Having a hangover is a lot easier than having a clear head and the ability to think on what you've done, fully understand the ramifications of your actions."
"So you were trying to run away from your problems. Sounds about right." Malachi watched as Jan's eyes grew very blank as if he had stopped thinking altogether. "Uhh…Jan?"
"Was there anything else you wanted to remind me of?" he said forlornly. "I'd rather just be left alone."
"She's always deserved better than you. A person who can betray someone else's feelings like you have doesn't deserve anyone."
Jan's eyebrows creased as the other spoke and then he sat back up to look at the other properly. "Could you be any less subtle about your disgust of me? I get it, you've made your point. Is that all you have to say?"
"Yes, I suppose."
"Is that really all? To think, there's really someone out there who will waste time out of their life to belittle an already broken man; it's depressing all on its own. I pity the woman who would have to deal with the likes of you."
"You can talk. You've already—
"Yes, I know what I did, Malachi," Jan said drearily.
Then Malachi's eyes softened a little. "Sometimes…well, sometimes I get carried away…"
"That's just what you do with little regard to anyone besides yourself."
"I know what you think of me that I'm some troubled, rude, unappreciative youth who'll never learn how to be anything else besides what I am."
"Oh don't flatter yourself," Jan said bitterly, "You're something much simpler than that."
"And what's that?" Malachi asked.
"An asshole. I think you've done enough here—just leave me in peace and I'll wallow in my misery."
"Fine," Malachi said looking away blinking back tears. "If you think I'm such an asshole, you won't ever have to hear from me again."
Malachi practically raced out of the room in order to hide his tears. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt the need to cry. Pain had always been a good thing. People hating him was an achievement; it always made his day. But he couldn't understand his reaction now. He wiped away the wetness from his face, but the tears continued to fall. The tightness in his chest had not been there before when other people had said worse things to him.
"Shit…what's wrong with me?" Malachi asked aloud to himself genuinely concerned.
He couldn't understand this kind of despondency. He didn't feel at all like himself and he just wanted all the strange things he was feeling right then to go away.
/
AN: Some adventuring…and a lot of drama. Stay tuned!