Enjoy chapter 13! I hope you like it!
Live with passion
Chapter 13
There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. Author Unknown
JJ and Hotch agreed on a time and an ice cream parlor where they would meet later. But since JJ had to go to her appointment with the psychiatrist today they postponed their date until tomorrow. When Hotch offered to look out for Henry during JJ's appointment both Henry and JJ happily accepted. So Hotch and Henry soon left to return to Jack while JJ drove to the Hoover building next to which Dr. Buckley, one of the official psychiatrists of the FBI for its agents, had her doctor's office.
"You are Agent Jennifer Jareau, aren't you?" A brown-haired woman, only a few years older than JJ, entered the room, friendly smiling, and extended her hand.
"Yes, that's me.", JJ acknowledged and politely returned the hand shake.
"I'm Dr. Riley Buckley.", the woman presented herself.
"Nice to meet you, Dr. Buckley.", JJ answered unenthusiastically.
"So, Chief Strauss told me what happened to your family. I am truly sorry for your loss, Agent Jareau.", Dr. Buckley said compassionately.
"Please, call me JJ.", JJ told the psychiatrist. She hated those expressions of sympathy. They were just empty phrases.
"Okay, JJ, then. Please, sit down, JJ.", Dr. Buckley added, gesturing towards a cozily looking couch. JJ sat down, Dr. Buckley took a seat opposite to her.
"I know you don't want to be here and I understand that while we talk you could spent precious time with your son.", Dr. Buckley said sympathetically. Exactly, JJ thought but didn't reply.
"But now that you are here, we should use the time.", Dr. Buckley decided. „I will try to prove to you that I actually am able to help you. Please JJ, tell me something about you."
"What do you want to hear?", JJ asked petulantly. "I'm thirty-six years old, I work with a team of profilers who also are my closest friends, I have four-year old son and I was happily married to a detective… until he died saving my life." For a moment JJ halted. Then she added defiantly: "But you already know all of this!"
"Yes, but I'd like to hear your story from yourself.", Dr. Buckley explained gently. "Tell me what happened after your husband died."
"Will. His name is Will.", JJ told her sharply.
"Okay. What did you do after Will died?", Dr. Buckley repeated patiently.
JJ looked at the psychiatrist hesitantly. "I killed him… I killed Will's murderer."
"Your colleagues testified it was self-defense.", Dr. Buckley said, but there was no judgement in her words.
"Yes, that's what they said.", JJ answered, trying hard to stay calm. She knew her friends had lied for her. That's what real friends do, they had said. She was thankful for having such amazing friends. But JJ wouldn't lie.
"His name was Anthony Levinson.", Dr. Buckley told her. JJ would love nothing better than to keep her ears shut. She didn't want to know. "He was married to Laurie Levinson.", Dr. Buckley continued mercilessly. "They had a daughter, Emma. She was only eight years when she died of a brain tumor. Her father was so full of pain that he lost his head."
JJ laughed ironically. "And then he bereaved another child of his father."
"Whereupon you bereaved a woman of her husband. The eternal chain of violence.", Dr. Buckley stated calmly.
"Is it that what you want to say - that I'm a cold-blooded murderer?", JJ shouted, upset.
"No, JJ, that's not what I want to say.", Dr. Buckley soothed JJ. „You were in exactly the same situation as Anthony - full of grief."
"Only that I didn't kill an innocent person!", JJ reasoned angrily.
"I'm not going to discuss with you since it is not my job to judge. But JJ, I know you are a very sensitive and compassionate woman, you have to be in order to be as good in your job as you are. You may be full of sorrow right now but there are other people who feel just like you. For example Laurie Levinson. You are not the only one who is in pain. Please think about that.", Dr. Buckley told JJ wisely. JJ didn't know what to say. So she stayed silent.
"I think we end this session for today. I will see you next week.", Dr. Buckley announced and got up. JJ followed her example. Suddenly she was very eager to escape out of this building. She felt suffocated and numb.
"Goodbye, Dr. Buckley.", JJ managed to say before she hurried out of the room. Dr. Buckley had hit on a raw nerve. For the first time JJ really understood what she had done: She had taken a life. Because of her someone else had lost a loved one. She had been so egoistic.
Tears began to roll down her face. As fast as she could JJ got into her car and without really knowing what she was doing she just drove where her subconsciousness led her. After several minutes she noticed through the blur of tears where she had ended up: at Hotch's house.
JJ run up to the door and kept ringing the doorbell until Hotch finally opened. Seconds seemed like hours to JJ.
"Where are the boys?", JJ immediately asked a puzzled Hotch.
"In Jack's room playing.", Hotch answered, baffled. "What's up, Jayje? Are you okay?"
JJ couldn't stop the tears streaming down her face. "No!", she sobbed.
"Oh, JJ.", Hotch said compassionately and lay his arms around her shoulders to lead her into the house. "What happened?"
But JJ couldn't talk. She felt so guilty. What had she done? JJ buried her face in Hotch's shoulder and cried desperate tears. Hotch sighed sadly and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly. "It's going to be okay, JJ, I promise.", he whispered and caringly stroked her hair. Without hesitating he lifted her into his arms and carried her into the living room. Then he sat down on the couch with JJ in his lap.
But suddenly JJ pulled away. "Hotch, you know what I've done, don't you?", she asked, her voice hoarse because of crying. "You know it and you still treat me like always."
"I know what, JJ?", Hotch asked gently although he already knew what she was talking about.
"That I'm a killer!", she shouted exasperatedly. "You should hate me!"
"But I don't hate you, JJ, because I understand you.", Hotch explained soothingly. "When Hailey died I killed Foyet, too. And although it was self-defense I would have done it either way."
"But it was wrong what I did, Hotch.", JJ whispered. "He had just lost his daughter and now his wife has lost her husband, too. And that's my fault. He was not some brutal serial killer like Foyet. He was just broken. Like me." More tears came. "I'm not better than him."
Gently Hotch put one of JJ's blond strands of hair behind her ear. "JJ. You are a good person, I know that. Everyday anew I'm impressed how you feel with all the people who suffer and how you despite your own problems always give your all to help others. Yes, maybe it was wrong what you did. But now it's the way it is - you can't change it anymore. So do what Will would want you to do: use the chance he allowed you. Leave the past behind. Forgive yourself."
"I don't know if I can do that.", JJ said doubtingly.
"Try. That's all you can do.", Hotch replied. "And I am here for you whenever you need me. We all are."
JJ wrapped her arms around Hotch's neck. Hotch held tightly onto her. "Thank you.", JJ whispered into his ear.
As strong as you were, tender you go.
I'm watching you breathing for the last time.
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,
I know what it means and I'll carry you home.
I'll carry you home.
Carry you home, James Blunt
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