Live with passion
Chapter 14
The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love. Hilary Stanton Zunin
JJ, Hotch, Jack and Henry spent the rest of the day together, playing cards, watching movies or doing whatever else the boys wanted. Eventually, it got dark outside and they decided it was time for dinner.
„Hey Henry, what do you think, do you want to help me preparing dinner?", Hotch suggested.
Henry nodded enthusiastically. „Good idea!", he praised generously.
Hotch laughed. „Thank you!"
„You know, I'm a master cook!", Henry boasted and went on telling his abstruse stories. Meanwhile JJ gave Hotch a thankful smile. Her talk with Jack was long overdue.
And so the two disappeared into the kitchen while JJ and Jack stayed behind in the living room. Right now, they sat on the sofa, drawing. Caringly, JJ watched Jack leading the pencil over his sheet of paper. His forehead was scrunched in deep concentration and impatiently he brushed away a few strands of his dark brown hair that had fallen into his eyes. So completely serious and immersed into his work he looked like the spitting image of his father.
Finally the boy looked up from his work. „Look JJ, what I drew!", he said and proudly showed her his masterpiece.
„Oh, that's great! You are really talented!", JJ praised and regarded the crooked figures with the way too big heads on the drawing.
„It's for you, JJ!", Jack beamed.
„For me? Thank you, Jack! I love it!", JJ smiled back at him and caringly ruffled him through his dark hair.
„JJ, you know what?", Jack suddenly asked shyly.
„No, but whatever it is you can tell me.", JJ answered and smiled at him reassuringly.
„I have something else for you.", Jack revealed and hesitantly held up another sheet of paper in front of his face. On it was written in big orange letters in Jack's scrawly seven-year-old handwriting: I love you, your Jack.
When JJ saw the beautiful words she was speechless. Tears welled up in her eyes, so touched was she.
When Jack saw her wet eyes his facial expression immediately got worried and scared. „I'm sorry JJ, I didn't mean to make you sad…", he rambled unhappily.
But quickly JJ interrupted him. „No, Jack, I'm not sad.", she told him gently and took his small hands in her bigger ones.
„But why do you cry, then?", he asked, puzzled and still a little in panic.
JJ smiled at him brightly. „Because I'm so happy, Jack. It makes me really, really happy that you wrote that for me." She looked at him intently. "I love you, too, Jack."
An amazing grin appeared on Jack's face and he hugged her tightly. "I wrote it in orange because I know that it's your favorite color!", he told her happily.
"You are the most thoughtful boy I'v ever met.", JJ whispered into the little boy's ear.
When they parted, JJ grew serious again. „Jack, I wanted to talk to you about something. Do you remember the argument you and your father had a week ago and what you said to him?"
Jack scrunched his face up in thought.
„You said you want me to be your mother.", JJ reminded him carefully.
„Oh, that…", Jack answered a little uneasily.
„I thought about it, Jack, and I have an answer for you.", JJ continued. Jack looked at her attentively. She gently grabbed his shoulders. „Jack, I would totally love to be your mother. I love you as if you were my own son and I cannot imagine anything better than being you mother."
Jack smiled delightedly at her words. But then his expression became worried again. „But I already have a mother. Do you think my Mommy will be sad when I get a second?"
JJ shook her head. „No, sweetie, I'm sure she won't. Your Mommy wants nothing but you to be happy and if that's what makes you happy then she is happy with it, too. Look, Jack, I will never replace your Mommy, she will always be your first, real Mommy. But I think she would agree when I say you need somebody who acts in her place as long as you and her are separated."
„Okay, JJ.", Jack smiled widely. But a second later once again doubt appeared on his face. „JJ, are you sad when I don't call you Mommy like my real Mommy?"
JJ laughed caringly. Jack was such a sweet, thoughtful little boy. „No, Jack, that doesn't make me sad. I understand completely that this title belongs only to your mother in heaven."
Jack beamed at her. „You know what, JJ? I think you will be the best mother ever!"
„Thank you, Jack.", JJ grinned before being serious again. „But there is something else. Even though I can be your mother we won't be a typical family since we, I mean your father and I, you know, we aren't…"
„You mean because you aren't married?", Jack finished her stuttered sentence without hesitating.
„Well, yes, Jack.", JJ agreed, a little uneasy.
„That's a pity, but I guess it's not so bad after all.", Jack told her confidently. „Daddy always says that Penelope, Morgan and the others are his family, too, and he isn't married to all of them, either, right?"
JJ laughed, amused. Jack, who was totally convinced by his logic, looked at her enquiringly. „Of course you are right, Jack. You are really clever." Jack smiled proudly. JJ looked at him seriously while continuing. „But Jack, we also don't live together like most mothers and sons."
„I know. I'm used to that.", Jack answered sullenly. „When I was only in Henry's age my Daddy didn't live with me either."
„I remember.", JJ said compassionately.
„But maybe one day", Jack remarked hopefully. „when Daddy and you finally love each other like real parents do…"
„Jack, please.", JJ interrupted him gently. „We will see, okay?"
„Okay.", Jack replied, not really satisfied but not wanting to start an argument. JJ smiled and hugged Jack once more. He wrapped his thin arms around her neck.
Suddenly Jack's face lightened up as if he had just realized something and broke free. „If we are a family then Henry is my brother!", Jack exclaimed delightedly. „That's so cool!" JJ laughed.
„Oh, you little devil! Just you wait!", Hotch shouted jokingly. He tried to make a scary face, but couldn't help the silly grin that appeared on his face at the sight of the happily giggling boy in front of him.
He extended his hands as if they were monster claws. Henry squealed and tried to run away but he stood no chance. Hotch grabbed him, threw him in the air and then tickled him mercilessly. Henry screamed with laughter.
Finally Hotch sat the gasping boy down on the counter and continued to stir the sauce that cooked on the stove.
„Hotch?", Henry asked when he eventually had caught his breath. Trustingly he looked at Hotch with his big green eyes.
„Yes, Henry?", Hotch answered and looked up from the sauce.
„Can you take me to soccer tomorrow?", Henry asked tentatively.
„Can't your Mommy do that?", Hotch asked, unsure what Henry had in mind.
„Yes…", Henry hesitated before continuing more confidently. „But I want you to do it. And then you can watch me playing. I'm a real good player!" His chest swelled with pride. „You have to use the inside of your feet to shoot. Look, Hotch! Like this." He held his right foot the way he meant to demonstrate it to Hotch.
Hotch smiled. „I see, you are a real expert."
„Will you do it, Hotch? Please!", Henry asked again and gave him a bright, angelic smile.
„You are a such a charmer, Henry!", Hotch laughed. „Okay, I will talk to your Mommy and if she is okay with it I will take you there and watch you."
„Cool!", Henry exclaimed and threw his small arms around Hotch's neck.
„You definitely spent way too much time with Jack!", Hotch laughed at Henry's choice of words and returned the little boy's embrace.
After having eaten dinner the boys ran off to play in Jack's room. JJ smiled happily when he saw Jack take Henry's hand. JJ and Hotch sat down on the sofa in the living room, both in silence which suddenly seemed awkward.
Finally Hotch started to speak. „Henry asked me something."
„What was it?", JJ asked, a little worried.
„Nothing bad.", Hotch immediately soothed her. „He asked if I could take him to his soccer training."
„What?", JJ gasped, surprised, but also somewhat shocked. She wasn't sure if Henry's question was a good or a bad sign. But somehow it pained her.
„JJ, tell me, what's the deal with this soccer training?", Hotch asked her gently but forcefully and took her hand in his.
Hotch felt her tense under his touch but she didn't withdraw. JJ sighed deeply to regain her composure before she started telling. „Will… he always took Henry there and then watched him playing. Each week. It was a special ritual between them, something between father and son." JJ smiled at the memory. „When I once went with them… it was just so cute. Will really is the proudest father you can imagine." Her face fall. „Was."
Hotch squeezed her hand comfortingly. „JJ, I'm sorry. I really don't want to take away something that belongs only to Henry and his father. If you don't want me to I won't…"
„No, Hotch.", JJ interrupted him, trying hard to hold back her tears. „Of course you can take him there if that's what Henry wants… I want him to be happy, that's all." A sob escaped her. „But… why does he ask you that? Do you think… he already forgets Will?" She looked at Hotch desperately, tears streaming down her cheeks. „I don't want him to forget his father."
Hotch shook his head vehemently. „I swear, he won't forget him so easily. Henry may not know it consciously but he just searches for something… someone… to fill the emptiness inside of him. What he does is exactly the opposite of forgetting Will. He tries to find a way to keep his Daddy alive. I'm just a weak replacement." Hotch gave her small sad smile.
„Thank you, Hotch.", JJ said and wiped away her tears. „But you are wrong: you are definitely more than just a weak replacement."
Hotch smiled at that and looked intently at her. His chocolate brown eyes shined. Slowly his face drew closer to hers. He wanted to kiss her so badly, the desire was so strong that he just couldn't resist… But then he saw the fear and the pain in JJ's deep blue eyes. He would hurt her if he couldn't keep his desire under control, he knew that. So he simply rested her forehead against hers. JJ closed her eyes, agonized, and one lonely tear rolled down her cheek.
After few minutes of peaceful silence Hotch eventually asked: „So you are, so to speak, Jack's mother now?" JJ heard the scepticism in his voice and was slightly hurt. But immediately she scolded herself. He just wanted the best for his son.
„I guess you could say so.", JJ answered honestly. „But don't worry, Hotch." Softly she placed her hand on his chest. „He will never forget Hailey either. She will always be his real and only Mommy."
„I know. It's alright.", Hotch sighed. „I know you will be a great mother for him." He looked at her sincerely and with his thumb he brushed away the last tear traces on her cheeks. „Thank you, JJ, that you do that for him. You really are having a rough time right now and most people wouldn't be able to nonetheless do something so selfless for someone else." He smiled at her lovingly. „But I always knew that you aren't like most people."
JJ smiled back. "Well, it was not completely selfless what I did, though - I need Jack as much as he needs me."
Hotch laughed quietly and gently lay his arm around her shoulders. "Then I guess it's a win-win-situation for all concerned parties."
"Yes, it is.", JJ sighed. Contentedly, she relaxed into Hotch and placed her head on his shoulder.
They stayed like this for what felt like forever. And it felt good, JJ thought.
Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass... It's about learning how to dance in the rain. Vivian Greene