They expected me to find somewhere
Some perspective, but I sat and stared
1st December
The first snow of the season comes abruptly. I hadn't even realized temperatures had dropped, and yet when I wake that morning, the street is covered in a thin layer of ice. It flashes white in the sun and makes me close my curtains.
The drive to La Push after school takes me 10 minutes longer than usual, the sun low on the horizon. Leah's truck is already parked, and I hear music playing from the inside, some 80s rock song I can't name.
I go inside and drop my bag behind the counter. Leah is making a drink and I only see the back of her green shirt. Her hair is shorter.
"Sorry for being late. Weather." Leah hums and I start cleaning the table.
It's almost empty today, so after the last guest leaves and no one else comes, Leah sits on the counter and starts reading something.
"You're just gonna stand there?"
"Huh?" She eyes me over the edge of her book.
"You don't have any homework or something? I don't mind if it's not busy." I shrug and she puts her book down.
"Alright then. Smoke break?"
We go outside and sit on the stairs. The sun is almost down and the sky is painted in a deep orange. It reflects in her eyes. I look away.
"Tell me something you've never told anyone before.", she says.
"What do you mean?"
I still find myself quiet most days and out of words most days. I don't know how to get them back.
"I'm bored. ", she answers, as that would explain everything. "Like… I smoked my first cigarette when I was 16."
"Oh. I don't know." She laughs and I start fidgeting with my jacket.
"Come on, Swan. You got to have something. How about your time in Florida? Or why you lost your other job and your Dad had to sweet-talk my parents to get you this one?"
I swallow once. Twice.
"Is this an interrogation? If you want to ask me something, just ask."
She sighs. "I guess not. The only things I know about you are town gossip. Maybe that's the same for you about me."
"I- don't really know anything."
It's true, mostly. I don't know the whys and hows of how she got to be here.
"Something you've never told anyone before. Still your turn." She puts her cigarette out in the sand.
"I hate the colour blue. I can't stand it." Not anymore.
"Alright", she laughs. "Not what I thought, but you got the spirit."
I'm wondering if we should go back inside. It is freezing and another 30 minutes until closing time.
"How about this…" Leah shifts and I can feel her warmth next to me. "I'm sure you've heard about Sam."
I nod. Her breath catches on my neck.
"They all think I'm angry. I guess I had that coming, after all the yelling and everything. Might've called me crazy, too. The crazy ex. It seemed easy, you know? To be angry. To fall into it. Clear." She's wrapping her arms around herself. The sky is too dark to reflect in her eyes now.
"It's not easy. Nothing of this is. But angry is all I have. And my mom and Seth, they keep telling me to calm down or do something. But I can't. I can't stop." There is a pause.
She looks at me for the first time since sitting down. "I didn't really mean to say that. Sorry."
And suddenly the words are coming to me.
"Sometimes it still feels like his hands are still touching me. And mostly it is comforting, like maybe he will come back, or part of him will be with me. But sometimes it's crushing and pulling me down and I'm slowly drowning in it."
It feels weird to say this to Leah, who I've only really known for two weeks. But she doesn't really know. Maybe she has never even seen him.
"You know if I learned one thing … It's nothing really lasts, does it?" She laughs again. It's dark now, drenched in bitterness, and it leaves me even more freezing. She stands up and goes back inside.
When I drive home after closing up, it is snowing again. I can't decide if the cold feels familiar or haunting.
That is the first night I don't dream of them. I dream of Victoria. When I wake up with a scream on my lips, I don't go back to sleep.
2nd December - 9th December
On Friday, I first hear about the murders. Bodies found in the woods around Seattle, mauled. Charlie tells me to not go outside after dark and to come home straight after work. Something settles in my gut, like a deep and endless pit.
I spend the weekend hauled up in the coffee shop. I'm caught up on school work now, my grades hanging at a B average. Old me would be disappointed. New me is just tired and scared.
Leah's wearing an orange beanie on Saturday and playing Elton John, which I finally recognize. We don't bump into each other anymore, and I almost know every drink on the menu now. I try to fall into a routine, to not think of red hair and terror.
"What's your favourite song?", Leah asks that afternoon.
"I don't really think I have one right now."
"Who doesn't have a favourite song? I'm starting to feel like you have the personality of a piece of toast."
"That's … not true." Leah laughs.
"Whatever you say, Swan."
Sunday is the day I first see Seth Clearwater. He's not allowed to have coffee, because "he is annoying enough already". He sits at the table in front of the window doing homework and giving me a thumbs-up when Leah turns around. I frown.
He leaves after bickering with Leah for a while, and she goes outside for a break. I pour myself my third cup of black coffee of the day and join her.
"Your brother seems nice."
"You might change your mind on that if you see him enough."
"Oh", I say. "I don't think so, he seems like a good kid."
Leah looks down. "He is. Might even get a track scholarship if he studies a bit more." There is a glint of admiration and softness in her eyes. "Might even make it out of here."
I wander around the block Monday morning before school. I don't really sleep anymore. There are cold white hands everywhere I go. I smell their scent, sweet and burning. It smells like a warning.
They follow me Tuesday. And Wednesday. And every day of that week. Two more people dead. I'm watching the news every night and trying to memorize their names. "It will be as if I never existed."
I dream of my name in the news next, flashing blood-red.
10th - 12th December
I hardly make it to work on Saturday. I arrive 15 minutes late with squealing tires and a shirt that is probably too thin for December. Leah eyes me warily over the purple scarf she is wearing. I grimace.
It's hard to keep awake. Victoria is haunting me in my dreams and now even when I'm conscious. The worst times are when she's not alone when amber eyes flicker and small white arms wrap around me, threatening to crush my ribs. I try to breathe.
"You good?"
"I-" I look at Leah and I notice a soft scent of flowers. "Sorry, just stressed."
"Hmm." She's cleaning a cup and lays the towel on her shoulder. "Want another coffee?"
"Um. Yeah, sure. Thanks." When she pushes it over on the counter, I realize she smells like Wisteria. I think of the blanket crumpled on my bed and blush for the first time in months.
My truck breaks down after work on Sunday. My mind flickers to Rosalie for a second, and how she would probably laugh. I cry.
Leah finds me when she's locking the door. "Something up?"
I get out and wipe my cheeks. I pretend I don't notice how she looks away. "The truck isn't starting."
She looks at it and back to me. "I can call Jacob? He'll probably fix it for free. There is a bus station near his house, too."
"You're… helping me?"
She scoffs. "What kind of shitty person do you think I am? I'm not gonna leave you in front of my family's coffee shop, stranded."
"I just thought you wouldn't… didn't like me."
She closes the truck door with a slam and takes her phone out of her back pocket. "Don't let this get to your head."
I take the bus to La Push on Monday, even though I don't have a shift. I walk to Jacob's. The truck is in his garage now and there is a radio playing the news. I change the station.
It's easy to listen to him talk. He's trying to explain what's wrong, but mostly I just try to focus on the warmth of his voice and add a comment here and there or hand him things I don't know.
I realize I haven't really seen him in months, or even at all, since moving back to Forks. He says the truck will be fixed in a few weeks and I can come over whenever I want. I try to smile and he laughs. I sleep a little more that night.
13th December
Alice used to argue that time is like a river, running in a line, with branches determining the different futures. I think that maybe she got it wrong. I think time is a circle, ever-repeating and slowly shrinking in a tight spiral around me.
My tragedies laid out and repeated over the years, being unlovable and alone. It drives me closer to the centre of despair and hopelessness, where Victoria is waiting for me with open arms.
"Tell me something you've never told anyone before.", Leah says on Tuesday evening.
"I think I deserve this."
This time, she gives me a cigarette when I ask.
14th December
Dear Alice,
I'm scared. I was nothing for a long time. Then I was sad. Now I'm terrified. I feel everything too much and not at all, and I'm entirely unequipped to deal with it. This is all too big for me.
There are people dying. I can't tell anyone. But I know she is coming back for me. And you're not here. Maybe it should be my name instead, just so this all would end. Would you come for me then?
I don't really know what to do. What if it's Charlie next? Or Jacob? Or Leah? Does she know you're not here anymore? Where should I go to for help? I can't do this on my own.
I was thinking about leaving yesterday. I used to hate it in Forks. I was once close to getting out of here. With you. With him. Now I'm not sure where I would be going and if it would change anything.
I'm waiting. No one knows I'm here, but still I'm waiting. I don't know what I'm doing here without you.
I wonder if you would come to my funeral.
Please come back.