Sora no Ato: Chapter 16
Farewell Wishes: Preparing to Leave
February came once more to Seize, once more bringing with it the promise of spring to come. The darkest days of winter were over—though this did not mean there were no more storms coming in March, but rather it meant that with a little more patience and fortitude they would pass and the greening days of spring would come for real.
It had been almost a full year since Rio returned after ending the war, yet in many ways the time had flown past more quickly than any of them wished. This day, Rio again brought lunch to Filicia's office where they could eat and talk together. As they ate, Filicia began, ``It's getting to be that time, isn't it?''
``Yeah,'' Rio agreed. Neither wanted to be too specific about it, but the time of Rio's posting here to Seize was drawing to a close. Emperor Franz Leopold had been generous in allowing her to return here to finish out her time in Seize among her close friends of the 1121st platoon. Also, the Helvetian army was beginning to make noises about possibly closing the base here. Then again, Takemikazuchi and the skeleton behind the dam, not to mention the uncertain state of affairs with Gen and Babylonia to the east, were strong reasons to keep them here.
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``In many ways, you're making the largest change. None of the rest of us are moving to another country and getting married. You know you can always come back here to Seize; I will be here.'' Filicia's eyes filled with concern. ``Are you sure you'll be all right?''
``I will be. And if I sacrifice some things, what I lose is part of life too.'' Rio's smile could be called both sad and happy. ``Madame Jacott taught me that. For we cannot lose without having first gained, and the joy of those gains balances the pain of the loss. We can ever after look back and savor the memory of that joy.'' Rio's expression grew thoughtful. ``And sometimes we only recognize joy when looking back on the memory. I think it was only when I was leaving here, and keenly felt the pain of losing you, all of you, that I realized just how precious a treasure I had in your friendship.'' Rio was blushing furiously now, but pushed on, trying to get her thoughts out. ``I've gained so much from you. I never want to truly leave, even if we must part. I will always treasure the memories of our happy times together here. They will help me go on, even when life is hard. And I hope someday we will be able to meet again. ...even after the wedding.''
``But I do have to leave, and that's why I came here,'' Rio continued. She handed Filicia a small, flat box. ``I want you to have these. You'll be able to use them someday, and I can think of no better person to wear them.'' Rio gestured to the box and said, ``Go ahead, open it,'' when Filicia looked up at her, confused, wondering if this might be more of her mother's jewelry.''
Filicia complied, opening the box. Inside lay a set of insignia for a Major in the Helvetian Army. She looked up at Rio. ``But I'm not... Rio, are these?...''
``Yes. These were Iliya's insignia. I know you will soon reach this rank, and I can think of no person better suited to wear them.''
``But Rio, you...''
``I doubt I will advance in Helvetian rank beyond where I am now, so I could never wear these,'' she answered. ``And also, I know that my sister would be proud to have you wear them and continue in her stead. You do such a good job of following her style.''
``But they're your sister's. I don't want to take something you treasure.''
``Filicia.'' Rio looked at her honestly and tenderly. ``In the past four years, you have come to fill the hole in my heart that Iliya's death left.'' Filicia's eyes grew wide and her cheeks colored. ``Of course, one person can never replace another, and I still miss Iliya, but whenever I think of something I would have asked or told her, I now think of you. Thank you. I don't see how I could have survived her loss without you around.''
By now Filicia was clutching the box to her chest and tears were running down her cheeks, and Rio had grown a blush to match hers.
``Are you sure?'' Filicia was still having a hard time believing.
``Yes. I had hoped to give these to you on your next promotion, but it looks like I won't be here to do that, so I leave them to you.''
``Thank you.'' Filicia blotted her tears away, futilely. ``Thank you. I'm not sure I can live up to Iliya's legacy, but I will try. Thank you. Comparing me to your beloved sister is one of the highest complements you could pay me.''
``No thank you for being ...a beloved sister, for taking care of me like that.'' Rio swallowed; her throat had a hard time holding both these words and emotions. ``And if Iliya were here, I'm sure she'd thank you too.''
``Rio.'' Filicia put all her emotion into that name, for her friend had touched her deeply. She looked up at her through tear-filled eyes. ``Thank you, Rio. I will treasure these times together as well.'' She wiped her eyes. ``I too look forward to meeting again after you've moved to Rome.''
``Thank you,'' said Rio, standing in front of Filicia. ``Thank you for being a friend. You will always be my best friend.''
``Of course, Rio. And you will always be my friend, forever, no matter what time or distance separate us.''
Rio saw through Filicia's smile, through her genuine happiness at Rio's friendship, to a hidden, buried nugget of pain, so she acted. She embraced Filicia in a tight hug. ``Forgive me, Filicia. I'm sorry.''
Filicia's eyes flew wide at this unexpected embrace and words. She didn't know what Rio was apologizing for, but her confusion robbed her of words and gave Rio the chance to continue.
Rio took a breath and began to explain. ``I'm sorry that I can only be your friend, that I can only love you as a friend ...as a dear sister. I'm sorry that I fail at being more.''
``Rio...'' Filicia was moved by Rio's being hurt by her own inadequacy.
``I... I know you care for me, and have for a long time, and your caring means the world to me, but... I'm sorry that as much as I treasure your feelings, I can't return them the same way. I'm sorry. I... I'm... I'm not attracted to women the way you are.'' Rio tightened her arms, crushing Filicia to her, and buried her head in her neck as she continued. ``Filicia, please forgive me for hurting you like this, for the pain my inability causes you. I'm sorry.''
Filicia found she could not breathe, whether from the strength and tightness of Rio's embrace, or from her words themselves, she could not tell. But Rio's sincerity came through to her with the same strength as her arms now held her tight, and to Filicia, Rio's feelings were as lovely as her strong, protective arms. Rio's words stopped but she still spoke to Filicia, with her embrace, with the care it implied, and with the moist trail she felt starting where the corner of Rio's eye pressed against her neck.
Filicia finally recovered her ability to move and brought her arms up around Rio, returning her embrace and gently stroking her head as it rested on her shoulder.
``Rio... Thank you,'' she whispered. ``Please don't worry; don't blame yourself.'' She took as much of a breath as she could. ``I love you for what you are, not for something I wish you might become. Your friendship is one of my dearest treasures, and always will be.'' She took another small breath. ``Don't worry that you cannot love me `in that way.' Your friendship, and your caring are enough. I want you to be whole and happy, and if you tried to become something that you are not in order to love me, that would hurt me more than you. So, please, stop worrying. We will just be friends—dear friends, forever—but only friends.''
Rio relaxed her grip, and they both took in a deep breath. ``Filicia, thank you,'' she said. ``That you can still be my friend, that this didn't ...turn you against me... You've given me a priceless gift, thank you.'' She smiled wryly, and gave a small laugh. ``And I guess it does work out for the best, this way. But, if only...''
Filicia smiled back, brushing away tears that had filled her own eyes. ``The path of `if only' often leads to pain. I... We should follow Kanata's example and rejoice in the joy we are given.''
Rio nodded. ``Yes, and your friendship is certainly part of that joy.''
Filicia leaned back against Rio's arms. ``Thank you. And you know that I will always love you.'' She looked into Rio's eyes and rushed on to avoid misunderstanding. ``I love you as a dear sister, like you said. I've thought about this a good deal since you left, and every time I ask myself which I would choose: having you by my side or having you happy. Every time, I find that your happiness is more important to me. And only you can decide what will make you happy. That is what will make me happy.''
``Filicia,'' said Rio as they let go of each other. She dried her own cheeks with the back of her hand. As meaningful and important as their embrace was, space between them was also important. ``Thank you.'' She paused as memories of the past hear swept through her. ``And I also want you to be happy. That I might hurt you by telling you this almost stopped me, but you've reassured me that you aren't.'' She smiled at Filicia. ``But there seems to be something about my leaving and marriage worrying you. What is it? Can I help?''
``Rio.'' Filicia undid the lock her will had put on that question. She would trust Rio to understand and answer. ``Are you sure you'll be OK marrying him?'' She suddenly found it hard to say Emperor Franz Leopold's name. ``Will you be able to be happy there? I know you've been working on the language and letters, but...'' She trailed off, not sure herself what else she was asking.
``Don't worry, Filicia, I will be. And thank you for your concern.'' Rio's eyes grew distant. She wanted to both be truthful and to reassure Filicia. ``I really do feel OK about this. Yes, Emperor Franz Leopold and I have been writing each other regularly this past year, and my opinion of him has improved and strengthened. He really seems to be a good man.''
``But don't you want the chance to find and marry your true love?''
``I learned from mother's experience that love alone may not be sufficient. And it certainly doesn't guarantee happiness.'' She took a breath. ``I think I'd rather find a partner I can respect and value, and who respects me in return than throw everything away in the search for true love. After that, if things go well, maybe we'll learn to love each other. That seems to be the way it worked with Emperor Franz Leopold and Maria. And even if it does not, we will still have that respect.''
``But you were forced...'' Filicia protested.
``Yes, this was a term in the peace treaty, but I accepted it of my own free will. Iliya was planning on doing the same. I assume she followed the same train of thought I did. I find that peace itself, is a very satisfying reward, and it also feels good to be able to do something for our country that nobody else could do.'' Rio grinned. ``And in his own way, when I think of it, Franz Leopold is kinda sexy.''
``All right, Rio. I'm not sure you've completely convinced me, but I know you're determined to go with this and make the best of it to make yourself happy. And I know when you've made up your mind...''
``And you?'' Rio turned the question back on Filicia. ``Will you be happy?''
``I guess I can say the same. I'll try and make the best of it here in Seize. I'll stay here and continue raising the girls assigned to this platoon.''
``Good. I guess we both will need to work at it. Making the best of things isn't always easy.'' A wistful smile crept onto her face. ``And I promise to keep in touch. I will write you, as I have been writing regularly this past year.'' She smiled at Filicia. ``After all, I might as well stay in practice, ...and sisters should keep in touch.''
``Thank you. And I will write you as well.'' She laughed faintly. ``We can be glad that you already proved the postal system works well between here and there.''
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Rio rose to leave, but as she headed to the door she stopped and turned back, hesitantly. ``Filicia...''
Filicia smiled back. ``Yes Rio. Thank you for talking, and I hope that you will have a happy marriage in Rome.''
``And that is the other reason why I came to talk to you,'' said Rio, looking at Filicia's feet. ``There's something a girl typically asks her best friend or her sister on that occasion.'' She took a breath and raised her gaze to look straight at Filicia. ``Will you be my Maid of Honor? I know the ceremony won't be for a while, but...''
``Oh, Rio. I would be honored to. Both because you consider me such a friend, and also that you want me to be part of this important international ceremony.'' She smiled sadly, ``But mostly, because it is you.''
``Thank you, Filicia.'' Rio wanted to say more, but the words would not come. Thankfully Filicia knew her well enough that she didn't need to, but her eyes widened in surprise then closed in contentment when Rio re-crossed the room and embraced her in another tight hug. Neither of their eyes were dry when Rio finally left to return to her room to begin packing.
ooo OOO ooo
Back in her room, Rio set herself again to packing. Unlike last time she left Seize, she had time to plan her departure and also knew where she would end up. Thus she could take more things with her, but that also meant that she had to decide what she would take and what she would leave behind. Some choices seemed easier. While they were interesting, she figured she would leave behind the instruments she had collected from around the fortress. She couldn't really play anything except the trumpet, and if Kanata wanted to follow music as a calling, they just might help her. Anyway, these instruments took up a lot of space and would take several crates to ship. They would stay here.
She sat down at her desk and took out a bundle of letters. There was no question, these were going with her, and in her suitcase not some crate to be shipped later. Untying the string holding the bundle together, she leafed through the letters. The first was the one Empress Maria had written to her—well to whichever Helvetian Princess would fulfill the treaty clause she had. She opened it up, looked it over, and smiled. It took a special kind of woman to send such wishes for well-being and love to her successor, especially her successor in her husband's bed. But Maria was such a woman, and Rio regretted never being able to meet her.
She carefully refolded Maria's letter and put it down. The next letter in the bundle was the first from Franz Leopold himself. This one even had a few lines to her in Theresa's and Elanor's own hands. She looked up from the letter to the framed photo of him and his family which he had included in this letter, along with a Roman map of the world. Yes, that picture, and the companion one of their engagement, which also held a place of honor on her desk, would also travel in the suitcase. Over the year, they had also become precious to her.
She continued through the rest of the letters in the bundle, reading some, looking at and remembering all of them. I wonder what Franz Leopold has done with my letters? She knew that he read them. Even if his references to them in reply did not already say so, there was no question that the man she had come to know would have. The question was merely what he had done with them afterwards. Has he kept them the same way I have? Rio wondered. She would soon have the opportunity to ask him, but did she want to?
As she looked over the letters her mind also went back over the ones she had sent him and his family. This was a different way of getting to know someone, but if two people had the will and dedication to keep at it, it seemed to work. She definitely felt that she knew him better now than when they first met, or even after her border tour. She hoped that they would get along well once she arrived at his palace. The letters gave her hope, but she was also enough of a realist to have some misgivings. Furthermore, how would she get along with his children? She looked at their faces in the family portrait, at Theresa, Elanor, and Anna. She would be stepping into their mother's place, but she was not their mother. She hoped they would not turn against her because of that. She did not want Franz Leopold to have to choose between his daughters and herself. She felt that was a choice she would lose—one that by rights she ought to lose. But what she read of the girls also gave Rio hope, again not certainty, merely hope.
Rio refolded the last letter, the most recent, and paused before straightening and tying up the bundle. She closed her eyes and once again saw that last letter's closing. ``I am looking forward to seeing you again soon. Theresa, Elanor, and Anna also send their best wishes and eagerly anticipate your arrival. I hope this finds you doing well and that you have a safe trip.''
Yes, he genuinely wanted to see her. Not just as some treaty bride, but Rio, herself, the person he had gotten to know through these letters. And Rio found she felt the same. She did not want to leave Seize, but that was because she did not want to be parted from her dear friends here, not because she feared the far end of her journey.
Rio put the bundle of letters safely with the items to go in her suitcase. It was now time to go to sleep. She had gotten almost none of the packing done that she had originally intended this evening, but she did not consider the time wasted. No, these thoughts and reminiscences had been worthwhile. Her task was not just to pack things away, but also to sort and organize. There were still more days to pack physical things, tonight she had worked on setting her mind in order and at peace.