Chapter 1

Spanner's Docking

The short crimson one filled the windshield of his craft. It seemed to bob up and down like a large hideously deformed balloon during a holiday parade, or so it seemed. This effect he would later reflect upon, when matters weren't quite so pressing, was caused by the bending of space and the flux which later followed as a natural occurrence.

A dimensional boom.

"This is Test ship prototype Wildfire of the space corps team Europa, Red Dwarf do you copy? Do you copy? Aw, Smegging hell."
When one considers that though the pilot is in fact an excellent engineer first and foremost and by profession, he should have some behind the stick
skills. Naturally he had handled a few astro hoppers in his day, and now he was forced to use all his earned abilities to pull his bacon out of the fryer.
Unfortunately he was somewhat plastered at the moment and blind luck was
the only thing he had on his side.

"Attention approaching craft this is Arnold J Rimmer of the Mining ship Red Dwarf. You are in violation of our air space and hither an act of war. Hence we surrender with out condition. Thank you." Crackled over the speaker.

"Who the Smeg is that" asked the inebriated pilot to a missing conversation partner. Momentarily distracted from the screen by the strange familiarity of the voice, when he looked back up at the view port.

"Smegging smeging smeging smeging hell!" was all he could manage to say.
Veering hard to port he hoped to get away from the giant redness that filled his view port. He knew he was too close but it took a moment for his brain to realize this. Then ask the question of how he had gotten himself into this mess. Then he dismissed the thought as pointless being on how he was on a collision course no matter what he did.

Inside Red Dwarf pandemonium reigned. Rimmer was running in circles giving pointless direction to scutters, distracting them from the life and death functions they were trying to perform. Over most of his monitors Holly was shouting; "Awooga Awooga Awooga."

Kryten and Lister were in the science room when Holly appeared sounding the alarm. The Cat ran in soon afterwards.

"Holly what is it?" Kryten asked. Bathed in the glow of the blue alert bulbs wisdom.

"It's some kind of disruption to the time space continuum. At least that's what I presume it is. It has all the tell tale sighs. It's this big wobbly thing in space," stated Holly. "And somethings seems to have come through it."

"Something? What kind something Hol?" Lister asked.

"A ship looks like a small one bloke affair."

"What kind of ship?"

"I dunno. It's design doesn't conform to any in my data files."

"What's it's heading?"

"Collision."

"Can't we take evasive action?" Snapped Cat.

"Were a five mile long three mile wide mining ship cruising at 200,000
miles per hour. What kind of evasive action do you suppose we could take?"

"Can we at least see what's going on?"
Without answering the question Holly's image faded away and an outside security camera view took his place.

"What's that he's headed into?" said the Cat.

"That's a small planetoid that became lodged in the ships underbelly, it's used for ballast and helps keep the artificial gravity balanced."

"Well strange as that is in itself, our uninvited guest is about to smash into it.

"Holly what's that about ninety degrees starboard?" Shouted Lister.
The image focused in on a shaded area beyond the rock.

"That's just a maintenance landing bay, hasn't been used in eons."

"Is it possible to maneuver the Dwarf so that the ship can hit the landing bay instead of the rocks?" Lister's voice hopeful.
Holly answered "I'd have to calculate certain equations, but how would that help, the bay is still closed shut."

"Sir I calculate that the impact on that door is comparatively
equal to the rock itself. Even if he were to burst through, he would most probably be killed during impact."

"Just start punching in the coordinates and hope it's enough.
How about it Hol?"

Holly who wasn't actually paying attention to the conversation due to a run in his new, non existent stockings questioned;

"What's that there now matie?".

"The doors Hol! Open the pod bay doors!"

"No need to holler Dave, should just take but a mo, have to find the right switch. Ah there it is."

With that the maintenance bay doors let out a long creek, like an elderly aunt slowly rising from her rocker. One started into motion for the first time in over a million years. Within the maintenance bay deck, the sound filled the dust laden stillness, but outside the cold empty vacuum of space refused to carry the sound.

"This Is a smegging SOS beacon from Wildfire test drive ship. Do you copy Red Dwarf? Collision course imminent. Joy stick Dead. Do you read? Please advise."
Lister's leather palmed hand slapped the microphone communication button.

"That's a yo. We read you. Look were trying to maneuver the ship so you can land in a service cargo bay towards the aft. Can you see it man?"

"No I don't see it, where did you say? Hold on I got it now. I hate to complain," a quickly sobering voice joked, "but my maneuverability is zero and the bay doors are only half open. Is that supposed to be right?"

"Holly what the smeg is going on. The doors man?"

"I'm trying Dave but the read outs seem to indicate that power relay at the hull is out on the hydraulics. Must be jammed." Holly guessed.

"Holly may I suggest that you increase the doors hydraulics to full power." Kryten attempting to help in what ever way he could.

"Hang on just a Mo."

"Holly those bay doors we spoke about."
Before this last attempt was actually carried out, The Wild fire prototype crashed through the half open maintenance bay doors. His ship leaving a cartoon like silhouette likeness of it's wider tail section. It also served to litter debris all about the landing bay, but the craft and the pilot were both surprisingly intact. Now all the pilot had to do was survive impact of the landing bay itself.