Blindsided Part III

A/N This chapter revolves around the episode Renewal. That's a Logan episode, but because of where it falls in the timeline, I thought it was important to explore it a little bit. In case you haven't seen it in a while, the girl he kissed was named Holly, and he found out later her name was really Kathleen.

Chapter 43

Help me, Mike. You have to help me! The woman's hand stretched out toward him. He reached for her, but as he drew closer, it seemed she only got farther away from him. Finally, she was enveloped by darkness and disappeared completely.

Logan awoke with a start. As he tried to rub the sleep from his eyes, he was startled again by a sound coming from the kitchen. It was the dog, rooting around, sniffing and jumping up to put his paws on the counter.

Mike held his breath and tried to suppress the pain in his heart. He got to his feet. "Holly," he groaned, and went to the kitchen to do something about the dog.

"Bobby?"

"Yeah, uhm, hi Alex…"

"Look, I picked up a case. I'm gonna be working with Wheeler for a couple of days. Uh, I don't think I'll be able to come over, you know, until it's done."

"Wheeler? Why? Where's Mike?"

Alex sighed. "I don't know."

Bobby paused. He knew she knew more than she was saying. "Eames."

"Okay, look, Ross didn't tell me, but I did some snooping. His neighbor…he's looking into what happened to her."

Bobby scratched his head. Alex still didn't want to tell him. "Which was what?"

Alex sighed. "She took a header off the roof of the building. The local already wrote it off as suicide, but Mike thinks otherwise."

"And you didn't want to tell me because…"

"Look, Bobby, I know you've got a lot on your mind. I didn't want to add to that."

"Yeah. Well. Okay. Is he okay?"

"Logan? I don't know. I haven't seen him."

"What does Wheeler say?"

"She says he's upset. She thinks maybe he was dating her."

"Look, Alex, I can come back, you know. I don't have to—"

"No, Bobby. Wheeler and I can handle it. Give yourself some more time."

He nodded, and finally said "okay." Bobby looked over at his phone, which was on the counter. He hadn't told her about Declan's condolence call. He hadn't told her how the man had rambled, the things he'd said.

Alex stared at the phone, too. She hadn't told Bobby that Nicole Wallace's name had come up in this case.

For a moment, when Logan held the gun against Julian's head, he thought about justice. Holly… Kathleen… was a good woman, and she deserved justice.

Logan's mind was racing, but he put the gun away. He arrested Julian for murdering Kathleen. He had time for an unsatisfying goodbye with Wheeler before he found out Julian had been cut loose.

Ross told him the DA said an episode of hypertension wasn't proof of murder. As Mike thought about it, he thought Holly had been right. The guy kept after her, and there wasn't a damn thing that could be done. He'd driven her to suicide, and now he was going to walk away clean, probably to do it again to some other girl.

Logan left and made his way back to Peter's bar. As he waited for his scotch, he thought he saw her in the window.

I'm not dead, Mike. I'm not dead.

Bobby walked around the neighborhood, not really looking for any particular destination. Thoughts of Logan kept kicking around in his head. He saw the bright neon of Peter's and suddenly decided a drink might hit the spot. Goren ducked inside.

He was surprised to see Mike there. It shouldn't have surprised him; they both lived in the same part of town, after all. Bobby supposed his subconscious had guided him to Logan's neighborhood. He walked over and sat on the stool next to him at the bar, and ordered a scotch in a firm voice.

"Goren," Mike said with a nod.

"Logan."

Bobby's drink arrived, and the two men sipped the drinks. After a good long silence, Bobby finally said, "It sucks."

Logan raised an eyebrow and waited for him to explain.

"Death."

Logan nodded and took another drink.

"Eames told me." Bobby wriggled uncomfortably. "I'm sorry."

"Me too," was all his friend said. "And you're right. It sucks."

For some reason, Joe was on her mind. It had been quite a while since his memory had haunted her like this, and she tried to figure out why. Finally, Alex sighed, figuring it must be because of Logan and what happened to his girlfriend.

Alex sighed again. She didn't know for sure the victim was his girlfriend, but it seemed to fit with what people had seen. Someone even said Logan had cried over the girl. Someone else said he'd damned near gotten into a fight with one of the detectives on the case.

With a frown, Alex nodded to herself. That must be why Joe was on her mind now. Another person gone forever, with no warning…no chance to help or to say goodbye.

Alex started the car and pulled into traffic, hoping she could get all the way home before the tears came. She hadn't had even two years with Joe before he was killed. They'd been trying for a baby, but he died before they could live out that dream.

Her heart was breaking all over again. Of all the men she'd ever loved, no one was quite like Joe. He shared her wry sense of humor. He had loved her from the first day he met her, and had pursued her relentlessly until she agreed to go out with him. By the third date, they were talking about getting married.

Alex had never dreamed it would have been like that, but with Joe, it all felt so right. By day, he was her pal, a fellow cop, the best buddy a girl could ever have. By night, he worshipped her. Unless they were in the company of friends, he was always touching, kissing, teasing. In the home they'd built together, Alex was able to let her guard down. She was able to let it go, and just be a woman.

To her surprise, the tears did not fall. She parked the car and walked into the apartment, pausing only briefly to survey the yard and the window for possible intruders before she unlocked the door and stepped inside. She hit the lights quickly, another habit she'd picked up since her abduction. The apartment was clear. There was no need for worry. Alex locked the door behind her and walked in to the kitchen, where she set her things on the table.

Now her thoughts drifted to Bobby. All this time, she hadn't allowed herself to think of Joe and Bobby side by side. There was no need. Joe had come and gone before she'd ever met Bobby. Still, she loved Bobby. For that reason alone, she found them both in her thoughts.

Bobby wasn't anything like Joe. In fact, the only thing he had in common with the man was the fact that he was a cop. For a moment, she wondered what Joe would have said about Bobby, if he'd had the chance to meet him. Reluctantly, she admitted that her husband wouldn't have liked him. He would have been annoyed by all of Bobby's quirky habits. He would probably have discouraged her from the partnership.

Her heart was aching now, and she tried to push the pain away. It didn't matter what Joe would have thought. Joe was dead. He was gone forever, whether she liked it or not… whether they would have had children or not, whether they could have lasted all these years or not. Joe was gone.

Bobby was here, and even though they'd gone through lots of ups and downs, Alex realized with a jolt that she'd been partnered with Bobby longer than she'd even known her husband. This romance they'd been toying with had lasted almost as long as her marriage.

Alex got a bottle of bourbon out of her cabinet and poured a tumbler half full. She took a swig and thought of Bobby. Since even before his mother's death, he'd been battling depression. Their romance had taken a backseat to his family affairs, and rightly so. She tasted the whiskey once more and carried the glass with her to the bedroom. It didn't matter whether they were romantic or not, she loved him as fiercely now as she did when they were in the throes of passion.

She downed the rest of the whiskey and gave him a call, but all she got was his voicemail. Alex cleared her throat and stumbled trying to think of what to say. "Uh, hi Bobby, it's uh, it's me… we closed the case tonight, got the confession. I hope it doesn't bother you but I came to my place tonight. I, uh… I had a lot on my mind, and I didn't want to… bring you down. Well… anyway, I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you." Her voice broke as she spoke the final words of her message. "Bobby, I love you. Uhm… good night."